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Lance had yearned for such a moment for as long as he could remember. Even from his first glance, Lance knew they were destined to be together. The tingle down his spine as he gently stroked her skin, how she slithered over his neck, it was a match made in heaven.
At last, the day of his life arrived. "Do I have your permission Mr. Shankly? I promise she'll have the best life as I can afford."
"Aye lad, I cannot imagine one to care for my girl any better than you. Take good care of her, for she's most precious to me."
"Oh thankyou sir! We've waited for an eternity for this moment!" Lance beamed enthusiastically.
"Okay lad, with the price of the compartment, and food good for a few weeks, that comes to two hundred and nineteen pounds."
She gave a contented hiss as Lance gently lifted her from the cage, and he gave her temporary free reign over his body.
In a blissful daze Lance swung outside the pet store, not caring about the looks the lavish Ball Python swanning on his shoulders received from those around him, and unceremoniously dumped the cage and snake in the boot of his mother's volvo.
"Stop day-dreaming and get your ass into school!" erupted his mother's shrill voice.
"I'll see you later, Alambre my love."
Lance had made a solemn promise to Alambre and Mr.Shankly to keep her a secret. They hadn't made it clear why, but the look in their eyes told him it was of utmost importance. Lance had just assumed Alambre didn't like great crowds, and he gave it no further thought, it wasn't a difficult request to fulfil.
He knew the wait and secrecy was more than worthwhile the moment he reached his room and took her in his arms. She was to be his companion, one whom he could do anything with, anything at all. He found her to be immensely time-consuming, and it was not long before the arms of the wall clock where 30 degrees apart at 11 and 12. He moved to the cage, taking measure of Alambre's magnificent frame, before moving to lower her into her compartment.
Lance then felt his mind shift, a hideous grinding filled his ears, collapsing to the floor. He regained his composure, climbing to his feet. He soon realised during his turn he had lost control of Alambre, who had been dropped onto the sharp corner of her cage. With a roar filled with emotion he scooped her limp frame into his arm to inspect the extent of the damage caused by his clumsiness. But far from the blood he expected to flow from the breach, there appeared to be no material appearing from the wounded area. Confused, Lance fell to his knees, and stooped to inspect the imperfection in Alambre's skin. He glimpsed, but only for a second, what seemed like a group of black sreams of plastic flowing through the body of his precious Ball Python.
Before he had the chance to express his incredulity his mind doubled up in pain as his body seemed to be separated apart. The last vision Lance had of the world was the now completely black ball python being consumed into his stomach, forcing the both of them down to become one with a single conscience with the ground, the atmosphere, the world.
At last, the day of his life arrived. "Do I have your permission Mr. Shankly? I promise she'll have the best life as I can afford."
"Aye lad, I cannot imagine one to care for my girl any better than you. Take good care of her, for she's most precious to me."
"Oh thankyou sir! We've waited for an eternity for this moment!" Lance beamed enthusiastically.
"Okay lad, with the price of the compartment, and food good for a few weeks, that comes to two hundred and nineteen pounds."
She gave a contented hiss as Lance gently lifted her from the cage, and he gave her temporary free reign over his body.
In a blissful daze Lance swung outside the pet store, not caring about the looks the lavish Ball Python swanning on his shoulders received from those around him, and unceremoniously dumped the cage and snake in the boot of his mother's volvo.
"Stop day-dreaming and get your ass into school!" erupted his mother's shrill voice.
"I'll see you later, Alambre my love."
Lance had made a solemn promise to Alambre and Mr.Shankly to keep her a secret. They hadn't made it clear why, but the look in their eyes told him it was of utmost importance. Lance had just assumed Alambre didn't like great crowds, and he gave it no further thought, it wasn't a difficult request to fulfil.
He knew the wait and secrecy was more than worthwhile the moment he reached his room and took her in his arms. She was to be his companion, one whom he could do anything with, anything at all. He found her to be immensely time-consuming, and it was not long before the arms of the wall clock where 30 degrees apart at 11 and 12. He moved to the cage, taking measure of Alambre's magnificent frame, before moving to lower her into her compartment.
Lance then felt his mind shift, a hideous grinding filled his ears, collapsing to the floor. He regained his composure, climbing to his feet. He soon realised during his turn he had lost control of Alambre, who had been dropped onto the sharp corner of her cage. With a roar filled with emotion he scooped her limp frame into his arm to inspect the extent of the damage caused by his clumsiness. But far from the blood he expected to flow from the breach, there appeared to be no material appearing from the wounded area. Confused, Lance fell to his knees, and stooped to inspect the imperfection in Alambre's skin. He glimpsed, but only for a second, what seemed like a group of black sreams of plastic flowing through the body of his precious Ball Python.
Before he had the chance to express his incredulity his mind doubled up in pain as his body seemed to be separated apart. The last vision Lance had of the world was the now completely black ball python being consumed into his stomach, forcing the both of them down to become one with a single conscience with the ground, the atmosphere, the world.
I didn't think I was doing one.
And then I got an idea on Friday and have started something off.
And then I got an idea on Friday and have started something off.
Ta for the comments folks, curse my feeble ending skills.
Where's yourzuh entry FFF? :'{
Where's yourzuh entry FFF? :'{
I wouldn't give this up - I liked the idea a lot, and would have loved you to write more on it. Could turn into something fantastic quite easily.
Unlike Ashman, I thought the word 'slithering' lead directly to snakes, seeing as that's the token description. Something a little more unconventional would have kept the mystery at the start.
Good stuff.
Unlike Ashman, I thought the word 'slithering' lead directly to snakes, seeing as that's the token description. Something a little more unconventional would have kept the mystery at the start.
Good stuff.
I see what you're trying to do and it's a really good idea. Like other have said the second half needs a little work and a re-write.
I think you could benefit from reading some Poe as this seemed to be the style you were aiming for, but in a more modern sense.
As the main character's description of the snake he likes is so detailed at first so much I'd consider replacing some of the later descriptions where the snake is simply described as 'Snake' or 'Bull Python' and replace them with more detailed descriptions of the creature that continue to show the main characters fascination for it.
I think you could benefit from reading some Poe as this seemed to be the style you were aiming for, but in a more modern sense.
As the main character's description of the snake he likes is so detailed at first so much I'd consider replacing some of the later descriptions where the snake is simply described as 'Snake' or 'Bull Python' and replace them with more detailed descriptions of the creature that continue to show the main characters fascination for it.
I didn't like the last half either, left a lot to be desired.
Ah well, always next time.
Ah well, always next time.
Uck, I don't like snakes. The story was well written, and I really enjoyed the start where the descriptions left you wondering where it would lead. "A girl slithering?" I thought, for example. Also good was your description of the snake "swanning" on the shoulders of the character, for example. Brilliance on this part.
However as it moved on, it didn't feel quite...hmmm...natural. Don't get me wrong, the standard of writing was just as good, but I just feel it trailed off slightly. Sort of a bit snappish in parts, perhaps, no real build up.
Other than that, a couple of errors to pick up on, including the last line. Re-read it and you'll see what I mean.
But yeah, on the whole good stuff. Keep writing.
However as it moved on, it didn't feel quite...hmmm...natural. Don't get me wrong, the standard of writing was just as good, but I just feel it trailed off slightly. Sort of a bit snappish in parts, perhaps, no real build up.
Other than that, a couple of errors to pick up on, including the last line. Re-read it and you'll see what I mean.
But yeah, on the whole good stuff. Keep writing.
Volvo should have a capital V
Lance had yearned for such a moment for as long as he could remember. Even from his first glance, Lance knew they were destined to be together. The tingle down his spine as he gently stroked her skin, how she slithered over his neck, it was a match made in heaven.
At last, the day of his life arrived. "Do I have your permission Mr. Shankly? I promise she'll have the best life as I can afford."
"Aye lad, I cannot imagine one to care for my girl any better than you. Take good care of her, for she's most precious to me."
"Oh thankyou sir! We've waited for an eternity for this moment!" Lance beamed enthusiastically.
"Okay lad, with the price of the compartment, and food good for a few weeks, that comes to two hundred and nineteen pounds."
She gave a contented hiss as Lance gently lifted her from the cage, and he gave her temporary free reign over his body.
In a blissful daze Lance swung outside the pet store, not caring about the looks the lavish Ball Python swanning on his shoulders received from those around him, and unceremoniously dumped the cage and snake in the boot of his mother's volvo.
"Stop day-dreaming and get your ass into school!" erupted his mother's shrill voice.
"I'll see you later, Alambre my love."
Lance had made a solemn promise to Alambre and Mr.Shankly to keep her a secret. They hadn't made it clear why, but the look in their eyes told him it was of utmost importance. Lance had just assumed Alambre didn't like great crowds, and he gave it no further thought, it wasn't a difficult request to fulfil.
He knew the wait and secrecy was more than worthwhile the moment he reached his room and took her in his arms. She was to be his companion, one whom he could do anything with, anything at all. He found her to be immensely time-consuming, and it was not long before the arms of the wall clock where 30 degrees apart at 11 and 12. He moved to the cage, taking measure of Alambre's magnificent frame, before moving to lower her into her compartment.
Lance then felt his mind shift, a hideous grinding filled his ears, collapsing to the floor. He regained his composure, climbing to his feet. He soon realised during his turn he had lost control of Alambre, who had been dropped onto the sharp corner of her cage. With a roar filled with emotion he scooped her limp frame into his arm to inspect the extent of the damage caused by his clumsiness. But far from the blood he expected to flow from the breach, there appeared to be no material appearing from the wounded area. Confused, Lance fell to his knees, and stooped to inspect the imperfection in Alambre's skin. He glimpsed, but only for a second, what seemed like a group of black sreams of plastic flowing through the body of his precious Ball Python.
Before he had the chance to express his incredulity his mind doubled up in pain as his body seemed to be separated apart. The last vision Lance had of the world was the now completely black ball python being consumed into his stomach, forcing the both of them down to become one with a single conscience with the ground, the atmosphere, the world.
At last, the day of his life arrived. "Do I have your permission Mr. Shankly? I promise she'll have the best life as I can afford."
"Aye lad, I cannot imagine one to care for my girl any better than you. Take good care of her, for she's most precious to me."
"Oh thankyou sir! We've waited for an eternity for this moment!" Lance beamed enthusiastically.
"Okay lad, with the price of the compartment, and food good for a few weeks, that comes to two hundred and nineteen pounds."
She gave a contented hiss as Lance gently lifted her from the cage, and he gave her temporary free reign over his body.
In a blissful daze Lance swung outside the pet store, not caring about the looks the lavish Ball Python swanning on his shoulders received from those around him, and unceremoniously dumped the cage and snake in the boot of his mother's volvo.
"Stop day-dreaming and get your ass into school!" erupted his mother's shrill voice.
"I'll see you later, Alambre my love."
Lance had made a solemn promise to Alambre and Mr.Shankly to keep her a secret. They hadn't made it clear why, but the look in their eyes told him it was of utmost importance. Lance had just assumed Alambre didn't like great crowds, and he gave it no further thought, it wasn't a difficult request to fulfil.
He knew the wait and secrecy was more than worthwhile the moment he reached his room and took her in his arms. She was to be his companion, one whom he could do anything with, anything at all. He found her to be immensely time-consuming, and it was not long before the arms of the wall clock where 30 degrees apart at 11 and 12. He moved to the cage, taking measure of Alambre's magnificent frame, before moving to lower her into her compartment.
Lance then felt his mind shift, a hideous grinding filled his ears, collapsing to the floor. He regained his composure, climbing to his feet. He soon realised during his turn he had lost control of Alambre, who had been dropped onto the sharp corner of her cage. With a roar filled with emotion he scooped her limp frame into his arm to inspect the extent of the damage caused by his clumsiness. But far from the blood he expected to flow from the breach, there appeared to be no material appearing from the wounded area. Confused, Lance fell to his knees, and stooped to inspect the imperfection in Alambre's skin. He glimpsed, but only for a second, what seemed like a group of black sreams of plastic flowing through the body of his precious Ball Python.
Before he had the chance to express his incredulity his mind doubled up in pain as his body seemed to be separated apart. The last vision Lance had of the world was the now completely black ball python being consumed into his stomach, forcing the both of them down to become one with a single conscience with the ground, the atmosphere, the world.