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Timmy didn't like it when the big men came. They never looked at him they just went upstairs. Timmy would watch the saturday film and try to ignore the comings and goings.
He watched the war film focusing as hard as he could on the action. Men were dying on a beach, good men it seemed from their talking before they got into the funny shaped boats. Those men were good people.
He watched the good men climb up a steep hill to get to the bad men. The bad men fired guns down on the good men and many good men were dying. Timmy wanted the good men to win, he crossed his fingers and hoped they would.
His mother came down and made him a bowl of coco pops. There was a noise from upstairs and she hurried backup. Timmy watched the film. He wondered where all the good men had gone, perhaps they'd all died in wars? He didn't know.
The good men seemed to be winning, although some were hung from churches. A man left, Timmy didn't watch him go.
His mother picked him up saying 'time for your nap timmy'.
He wondered where all the good men were.
He watched the war film focusing as hard as he could on the action. Men were dying on a beach, good men it seemed from their talking before they got into the funny shaped boats. Those men were good people.
He watched the good men climb up a steep hill to get to the bad men. The bad men fired guns down on the good men and many good men were dying. Timmy wanted the good men to win, he crossed his fingers and hoped they would.
His mother came down and made him a bowl of coco pops. There was a noise from upstairs and she hurried backup. Timmy watched the film. He wondered where all the good men had gone, perhaps they'd all died in wars? He didn't know.
The good men seemed to be winning, although some were hung from churches. A man left, Timmy didn't watch him go.
His mother picked him up saying 'time for your nap timmy'.
He wondered where all the good men were.
Thanks. Yeah it could have done with a bit more but I was caught up in the constraints of the simplistic language I wanted to use to convey the child's thoughts. If I'd have added more the language would probably have dragged or I'd have had to use more variation which would have broken the effect I was going for.
Rock and a hard place :)
Rock and a hard place :)
Quite good, but I felt it needed expanding slightly.
Anything else from this bustling forum?
Wow detailed criticism.
Yeh, rubbish.
Any other comments/advice?
Very good!
Timmy didn't like it when the big men came. They never looked at him they just went upstairs. Timmy would watch the saturday film and try to ignore the comings and goings.
He watched the war film focusing as hard as he could on the action. Men were dying on a beach, good men it seemed from their talking before they got into the funny shaped boats. Those men were good people.
He watched the good men climb up a steep hill to get to the bad men. The bad men fired guns down on the good men and many good men were dying. Timmy wanted the good men to win, he crossed his fingers and hoped they would.
His mother came down and made him a bowl of coco pops. There was a noise from upstairs and she hurried backup. Timmy watched the film. He wondered where all the good men had gone, perhaps they'd all died in wars? He didn't know.
The good men seemed to be winning, although some were hung from churches. A man left, Timmy didn't watch him go.
His mother picked him up saying 'time for your nap timmy'.
He wondered where all the good men were.
He watched the war film focusing as hard as he could on the action. Men were dying on a beach, good men it seemed from their talking before they got into the funny shaped boats. Those men were good people.
He watched the good men climb up a steep hill to get to the bad men. The bad men fired guns down on the good men and many good men were dying. Timmy wanted the good men to win, he crossed his fingers and hoped they would.
His mother came down and made him a bowl of coco pops. There was a noise from upstairs and she hurried backup. Timmy watched the film. He wondered where all the good men had gone, perhaps they'd all died in wars? He didn't know.
The good men seemed to be winning, although some were hung from churches. A man left, Timmy didn't watch him go.
His mother picked him up saying 'time for your nap timmy'.
He wondered where all the good men were.