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Beer Troubleshooting
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
Signs You Are Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence???
Two hands and just one mouth - now THAT's a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
Every woman you see has an identicle twin.
You fall off the floor.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
"Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!"
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Vampires and mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
The whole bar says "HI!" when you come in.
"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
"I'm not drunk, you're just sober"
You don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.
"That damned pink elephant followed me home again."
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
"I'm as jober as a sudge."
You wake up in Korea in May and the last thing you remember is being in the pub for the St Georges Day Celebrations.
You've fallen and you can't get up.
When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
"Beertender! Get me another bar!"
The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
Why You Should Be Allowed To Drink Beer At Work
It's an incentive to show up.
It reduces stress.
It leads to more honest communications.
It reduces complaints about low pay.
It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
It encourages carpooling.
Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
It makes fellow employees look better.
It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
Everyone agrees the work is better after they've had a couple of drinks.
Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. (May be good or bad)
The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross"
Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
Beer Facts
Studying the experimentally induced intoxicated behavior of ants in 1888, naturalist John Lubbock noticed that the insects that had too much to drink were picked up by nest mates and carried home. Conversely, drunken strangers were summarily tossed in a ditch.
Despite the month implied by its name, Munich's annual 16-day Oktoberfest actually begins in mid-September and ends on the first Sunday in October.
The familiar Bass symbol, a red triangle, was registered in 1876 and is the world's oldest trademark.
According to a journal entry from 1636, farm workers in the colony of Quebec not only received an allowance of flour, lard, oil, vinegar, and codfish; they were also given "a chopine of cider a day or a quart of beer."
In their efforts to regulate beer quality, the ancient Babylonians, who were among history's earliest brewers, decreed that any commercial beermaker who sold unfit beer would be drowned in his/her own libation.
Bottle caps, or "crowns," were invented in Baltimore in 1892 by William Painter. Painter proved his invention's worth when he convinced a local brewer to ship a few hundred cases of beer to South America and back and they returned without a leak.
On October 17 of 1814, a rupture in a brewery tank containing 3,500 barrels of beer caused a flood of fatal proportions in the London parish of St. Giles. The wave of beer swept victims off their feet, dashed them against walls, and buried them under debris. Two houses were demolished in the sea of beer suddenly loosed upon town, and nine people lost their lives in the flood of suds.
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month", or what we know today as the "honeymoon".
There are 19 different versions of Guinness.
According to a diary entry from a passenger on the Mayflower, the pilgrims made their landing at Plymouth Rock, rather than continue to their destination in Virginia, due to lack of beer.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle, often without armor or even shirts. In fact, "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
12 oz of a typical American pale lager actually has fewer calories than 2 percent milk or apple juice.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
Signs You Are Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence???
Two hands and just one mouth - now THAT's a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
Every woman you see has an identicle twin.
You fall off the floor.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
"Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!"
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Vampires and mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
The whole bar says "HI!" when you come in.
"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
"I'm not drunk, you're just sober"
You don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.
"That damned pink elephant followed me home again."
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
"I'm as jober as a sudge."
You wake up in Korea in May and the last thing you remember is being in the pub for the St Georges Day Celebrations.
You've fallen and you can't get up.
When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
"Beertender! Get me another bar!"
The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
Why You Should Be Allowed To Drink Beer At Work
It's an incentive to show up.
It reduces stress.
It leads to more honest communications.
It reduces complaints about low pay.
It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
It encourages carpooling.
Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
It makes fellow employees look better.
It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
Everyone agrees the work is better after they've had a couple of drinks.
Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. (May be good or bad)
The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross"
Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
Beer Facts
Studying the experimentally induced intoxicated behavior of ants in 1888, naturalist John Lubbock noticed that the insects that had too much to drink were picked up by nest mates and carried home. Conversely, drunken strangers were summarily tossed in a ditch.
Despite the month implied by its name, Munich's annual 16-day Oktoberfest actually begins in mid-September and ends on the first Sunday in October.
The familiar Bass symbol, a red triangle, was registered in 1876 and is the world's oldest trademark.
According to a journal entry from 1636, farm workers in the colony of Quebec not only received an allowance of flour, lard, oil, vinegar, and codfish; they were also given "a chopine of cider a day or a quart of beer."
In their efforts to regulate beer quality, the ancient Babylonians, who were among history's earliest brewers, decreed that any commercial beermaker who sold unfit beer would be drowned in his/her own libation.
Bottle caps, or "crowns," were invented in Baltimore in 1892 by William Painter. Painter proved his invention's worth when he convinced a local brewer to ship a few hundred cases of beer to South America and back and they returned without a leak.
On October 17 of 1814, a rupture in a brewery tank containing 3,500 barrels of beer caused a flood of fatal proportions in the London parish of St. Giles. The wave of beer swept victims off their feet, dashed them against walls, and buried them under debris. Two houses were demolished in the sea of beer suddenly loosed upon town, and nine people lost their lives in the flood of suds.
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month", or what we know today as the "honeymoon".
There are 19 different versions of Guinness.
According to a diary entry from a passenger on the Mayflower, the pilgrims made their landing at Plymouth Rock, rather than continue to their destination in Virginia, due to lack of beer.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle, often without armor or even shirts. In fact, "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
12 oz of a typical American pale lager actually has fewer calories than 2 percent milk or apple juice.
5 Stages Of Drunkenness
Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert
on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know
everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who
will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of
course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This
makes for an interesting argument when both parties are
SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are
the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people
fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they
fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that
you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any
subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest
person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar
because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind
the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of
course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your
bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.
You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because
now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with
anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been
betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At
this point you can also go up to the partners of the people
who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You
have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you
are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are
anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.
At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE
YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy
because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your
lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're
still SMART you know all the words.
A More Detailed Scale
0- Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1- Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
2- Beer warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse. Barmen complimented on nice trousers.
3- Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4- Barmaid complimented on choice of bra/Barmen complimented on his boxers. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisp one by one.
5- Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody French.
6- Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realise that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend/boyfriend to tell them you love them and they still have an amazing a**e.
7- Send drinks over to woman/man sitting at table with boyfriend/girlfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them across the room. Boyfriend/girlfriend gets p****d off. You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea.
8- Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
9- Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say "that's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.
10- Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
11- Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.
12- Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realise you've given address of local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.
Beer Quotes
I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer. Abraham Lincoln
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? Stephen Wright
One of the hallmarks of the baby boomer generation is that it doesn't live like the previous generation. It hasn't yet given up jeans and T-shirts or beer. Ron Klugman, SVP, Coors Brewing
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Benjamin Franklin
The roots and herbs beaten and put into new ale or beer and daily drunk, cleareth, strengthen and quicken the sight of the eyes. Nicholas Culpeper
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. Dave Barry
[I recommend]...bread, meat, vegetables and beer. Sophocles' philosophy of a moderate diet
Alright brain, I don't like you and you don't like me, so just get me through this exam so I can go back to killing you slowly with beer. Homer Simpson
Oh, lager beer! It makes good cheer, And proves the poor man's worth; It cools the body through and through, and regulates the health. Anonymous
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." Jack Handy
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. Dave Barry
I would give all my fame for a pot of ale and safety. Shakespeare, Henry V
Make sure that the beer - four pints a week - goes to the troops under fire before any of the parties in the rear get a drop. Winston Churchill to his Secretary of War, 1944
We old folks have to find our cushions and pillows in our tankards. Strong beer is the milk of the old. Martin Luther
Beer will always have a definite role in the diet of an individual and can be considered a cog in the wheel of nutritional foods. Bruce Carlton
No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer. John Churchill, First Duke of Marlborough
An oppressive government is more to be feared than a tiger, or a beer. Confucius
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. David Daye
He was a wise man who invented beer. Plato
This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption... Beer! Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, Friar Tuck
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. Kaiser Welhelm
Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink. Whitstran Brewery sign
The Beer Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen
Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert
on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know
everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who
will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of
course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This
makes for an interesting argument when both parties are
SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are
the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people
fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they
fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that
you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any
subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest
person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar
because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind
the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of
course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your
bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.
You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because
now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with
anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been
betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At
this point you can also go up to the partners of the people
who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You
have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you
are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are
anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.
At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE
YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy
because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your
lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're
still SMART you know all the words.
A More Detailed Scale
0- Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1- Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
2- Beer warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse. Barmen complimented on nice trousers.
3- Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4- Barmaid complimented on choice of bra/Barmen complimented on his boxers. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisp one by one.
5- Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody French.
6- Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realise that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend/boyfriend to tell them you love them and they still have an amazing a**e.
7- Send drinks over to woman/man sitting at table with boyfriend/girlfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them across the room. Boyfriend/girlfriend gets p****d off. You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea.
8- Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
9- Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say "that's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.
10- Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
11- Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.
12- Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realise you've given address of local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.
Beer Quotes
I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer. Abraham Lincoln
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? Stephen Wright
One of the hallmarks of the baby boomer generation is that it doesn't live like the previous generation. It hasn't yet given up jeans and T-shirts or beer. Ron Klugman, SVP, Coors Brewing
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Benjamin Franklin
The roots and herbs beaten and put into new ale or beer and daily drunk, cleareth, strengthen and quicken the sight of the eyes. Nicholas Culpeper
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. Dave Barry
[I recommend]...bread, meat, vegetables and beer. Sophocles' philosophy of a moderate diet
Alright brain, I don't like you and you don't like me, so just get me through this exam so I can go back to killing you slowly with beer. Homer Simpson
Oh, lager beer! It makes good cheer, And proves the poor man's worth; It cools the body through and through, and regulates the health. Anonymous
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." Jack Handy
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. Dave Barry
I would give all my fame for a pot of ale and safety. Shakespeare, Henry V
Make sure that the beer - four pints a week - goes to the troops under fire before any of the parties in the rear get a drop. Winston Churchill to his Secretary of War, 1944
We old folks have to find our cushions and pillows in our tankards. Strong beer is the milk of the old. Martin Luther
Beer will always have a definite role in the diet of an individual and can be considered a cog in the wheel of nutritional foods. Bruce Carlton
No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer. John Churchill, First Duke of Marlborough
An oppressive government is more to be feared than a tiger, or a beer. Confucius
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. David Daye
He was a wise man who invented beer. Plato
This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption... Beer! Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, Friar Tuck
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. Kaiser Welhelm
Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink. Whitstran Brewery sign
The Beer Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen
Beer Troubleshooting
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
Signs You Are Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence???
Two hands and just one mouth - now THAT's a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
Every woman you see has an identicle twin.
You fall off the floor.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
"Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!"
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Vampires and mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
The whole bar says "HI!" when you come in.
"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
"I'm not drunk, you're just sober"
You don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.
"That damned pink elephant followed me home again."
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
"I'm as jober as a sudge."
You wake up in Korea in May and the last thing you remember is being in the pub for the St Georges Day Celebrations.
You've fallen and you can't get up.
When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
"Beertender! Get me another bar!"
The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
Why You Should Be Allowed To Drink Beer At Work
It's an incentive to show up.
It reduces stress.
It leads to more honest communications.
It reduces complaints about low pay.
It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
It encourages carpooling.
Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
It makes fellow employees look better.
It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
Everyone agrees the work is better after they've had a couple of drinks.
Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. (May be good or bad)
The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross"
Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
Beer Facts
Studying the experimentally induced intoxicated behavior of ants in 1888, naturalist John Lubbock noticed that the insects that had too much to drink were picked up by nest mates and carried home. Conversely, drunken strangers were summarily tossed in a ditch.
Despite the month implied by its name, Munich's annual 16-day Oktoberfest actually begins in mid-September and ends on the first Sunday in October.
The familiar Bass symbol, a red triangle, was registered in 1876 and is the world's oldest trademark.
According to a journal entry from 1636, farm workers in the colony of Quebec not only received an allowance of flour, lard, oil, vinegar, and codfish; they were also given "a chopine of cider a day or a quart of beer."
In their efforts to regulate beer quality, the ancient Babylonians, who were among history's earliest brewers, decreed that any commercial beermaker who sold unfit beer would be drowned in his/her own libation.
Bottle caps, or "crowns," were invented in Baltimore in 1892 by William Painter. Painter proved his invention's worth when he convinced a local brewer to ship a few hundred cases of beer to South America and back and they returned without a leak.
On October 17 of 1814, a rupture in a brewery tank containing 3,500 barrels of beer caused a flood of fatal proportions in the London parish of St. Giles. The wave of beer swept victims off their feet, dashed them against walls, and buried them under debris. Two houses were demolished in the sea of beer suddenly loosed upon town, and nine people lost their lives in the flood of suds.
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month", or what we know today as the "honeymoon".
There are 19 different versions of Guinness.
According to a diary entry from a passenger on the Mayflower, the pilgrims made their landing at Plymouth Rock, rather than continue to their destination in Virginia, due to lack of beer.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle, often without armor or even shirts. In fact, "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
12 oz of a typical American pale lager actually has fewer calories than 2 percent milk or apple juice.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
Signs You Are Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence???
Two hands and just one mouth - now THAT's a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
Every woman you see has an identicle twin.
You fall off the floor.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
"Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!"
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Vampires and mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
The whole bar says "HI!" when you come in.
"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
"I'm not drunk, you're just sober"
You don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.
"That damned pink elephant followed me home again."
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
"I'm as jober as a sudge."
You wake up in Korea in May and the last thing you remember is being in the pub for the St Georges Day Celebrations.
You've fallen and you can't get up.
When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
"Beertender! Get me another bar!"
The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
Why You Should Be Allowed To Drink Beer At Work
It's an incentive to show up.
It reduces stress.
It leads to more honest communications.
It reduces complaints about low pay.
It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
It encourages carpooling.
Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
It makes fellow employees look better.
It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
Everyone agrees the work is better after they've had a couple of drinks.
Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. (May be good or bad)
The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross"
Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
Beer Facts
Studying the experimentally induced intoxicated behavior of ants in 1888, naturalist John Lubbock noticed that the insects that had too much to drink were picked up by nest mates and carried home. Conversely, drunken strangers were summarily tossed in a ditch.
Despite the month implied by its name, Munich's annual 16-day Oktoberfest actually begins in mid-September and ends on the first Sunday in October.
The familiar Bass symbol, a red triangle, was registered in 1876 and is the world's oldest trademark.
According to a journal entry from 1636, farm workers in the colony of Quebec not only received an allowance of flour, lard, oil, vinegar, and codfish; they were also given "a chopine of cider a day or a quart of beer."
In their efforts to regulate beer quality, the ancient Babylonians, who were among history's earliest brewers, decreed that any commercial beermaker who sold unfit beer would be drowned in his/her own libation.
Bottle caps, or "crowns," were invented in Baltimore in 1892 by William Painter. Painter proved his invention's worth when he convinced a local brewer to ship a few hundred cases of beer to South America and back and they returned without a leak.
On October 17 of 1814, a rupture in a brewery tank containing 3,500 barrels of beer caused a flood of fatal proportions in the London parish of St. Giles. The wave of beer swept victims off their feet, dashed them against walls, and buried them under debris. Two houses were demolished in the sea of beer suddenly loosed upon town, and nine people lost their lives in the flood of suds.
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month", or what we know today as the "honeymoon".
There are 19 different versions of Guinness.
According to a diary entry from a passenger on the Mayflower, the pilgrims made their landing at Plymouth Rock, rather than continue to their destination in Virginia, due to lack of beer.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle, often without armor or even shirts. In fact, "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
12 oz of a typical American pale lager actually has fewer calories than 2 percent milk or apple juice.