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Chili Tasting Whilst Drunk
Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the score cards from the event:
Chili #1: Mikes Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A ls**ttle too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Me: Holy s*s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, ws**th a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Excs**ting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Me: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bs**t salty, good use of red peppers.
Me: Call the Environmental Protection Agency, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I igns**te. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s*s**tfaced from all the beer.
Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili ws**th almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Me: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste s**t; is s**t possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me ws**th fresh refills; that 300 pound b*tch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must adms**t the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Me: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on s**t. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili #6: Verbs Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Me: I'm starting to s*s**t lava! My intestines are now a straight pipe filled ws**th gaseous, sulphuric flames. I s*s**t myself when I farted and I'm worried s**t will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that s*ut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass ws**th a snow cone!
Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili ws**th too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef ls**terally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bs**t of distress; a vein in his forehead is starting to throb and he is cursing uncontrollably.
Me: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like s**t is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered ws**th chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s*s**t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, s**ts too painful. Screw s**t, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck s**t in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. Are those flames shooting out of my ass?
Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare s**ts existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, nes**ther mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of s**t was lost when the vein in Judge Number 3's head burst; he passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make s**t. Poor Limey, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
Me: -------- (eds**tors note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the score cards from the event:
Chili #1: Mikes Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A ls**ttle too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Me: Holy s*s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, ws**th a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Excs**ting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Me: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bs**t salty, good use of red peppers.
Me: Call the Environmental Protection Agency, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I igns**te. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s*s**tfaced from all the beer.
Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili ws**th almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Me: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste s**t; is s**t possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me ws**th fresh refills; that 300 pound b*tch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must adms**t the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Me: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on s**t. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili #6: Verbs Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Me: I'm starting to s*s**t lava! My intestines are now a straight pipe filled ws**th gaseous, sulphuric flames. I s*s**t myself when I farted and I'm worried s**t will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that s*ut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass ws**th a snow cone!
Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili ws**th too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef ls**terally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bs**t of distress; a vein in his forehead is starting to throb and he is cursing uncontrollably.
Me: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like s**t is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered ws**th chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s*s**t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, s**ts too painful. Screw s**t, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck s**t in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. Are those flames shooting out of my ass?
Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare s**ts existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, nes**ther mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of s**t was lost when the vein in Judge Number 3's head burst; he passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make s**t. Poor Limey, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
Me: -------- (eds**tors note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
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The bit in a few minutes where he eats wax and spits out a candle will have me rolling :D
Johnny Cash is the business.
Cheers Smed, love that episode ...
Channel 4 now is the Simpsons Chilli Cook Off episode - classic!
Yeah it was bad :( but I carried on for the free beer :)
Hahahahaha. You actually crapped your pants?
Worthy of a gameaday.
Worthy of a gameaday.
I kept getting free beer if I kept eating and I wasn't going to turn that down!
Like I said I was wasted so those are the comments I really put down, if you've seen me writing on here at night when I've had a few you'll see they are my real comments!
Like I said I was wasted so those are the comments I really put down, if you've seen me writing on here at night when I've had a few you'll see they are my real comments!
Why did you keep eating? The beer?
And what did you really write on those judge thingees.
And what did you really write on those judge thingees.
It's 6 months later and I've only just got a clean bill of health.
Although I do still find it hard to sit down at times.
Although I do still find it hard to sit down at times.
I <3 Chilli
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