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5:00 pm
I love that release, you know the one; you’ve just had a hard day at work, the streetlights begin to flif**ker to a warm glow in an otherwise bitterly cold street, and then that one moment when you sink into your seat on the train, glaring happily out of the carriage window as the lights hidden behind the tear-stains slowly disappear into darkness.
The aching in my legs is slowly subsiding to a comfortable pulse, shoulders beginning to slouch and wrap around my seat, my eye line following the endless patterns ahead and slowly growing tired under the gentle revolutions of the train gliding over its traf**ks. You only start to respect how soothing the sound of metal rolling upon metal is at the end of a weeks work. It seems to have nursed my head from the splitting pains, and now my mind is awash with slumber. Just colourful images gleefully hopping in and out of my focus, watercolours dripping down my eyes leaving me in a state of restful bliss.
It didn’t last too long this time, though; the systematic chugging of the trams has started turning to an abrasive shriek as the first stop begins to emerge from beneath my blinking eyes. A loud clif**k signals the train to be lof**ked in position and my body is pushed forward at the sudden change of pace. So much for rest on the way home then. Even the routine sounds of the train have changed to an annoying scraping motion, getting louder as we move faster and quif**kly changing to a subtle clif**k. Oh well, I’m happy enough, as long as I can wallow in my thoughts, thinking about tonight, my glee won’t be tarnished.
The clif**king seems to have become more frequent, and the train isn’t particularly smooth today. If I wasn’t so tired I’d go and ask what it was, I suppose my mind is in a bit of a conflict; do I break from my thoughts so I can see if I can perhaps get some rest, or sit in a relaxing daze until I reach my destination? There’s no contest there for me.
A large bump snaps me out of my little world once again, and the train now seems to be veering off to the left, the clif**king grower much louder. Should I be worried? Looking out of the window everything seems fine, but I suppose I’d better go and ask. Another large thud brings me crashing to my seat, as the train seems to derail and begin to the left. Peering out of the window once again shows the traf**ks slowly fading away as leaves whip the carriage glass my eyes are trying to focus on.
The entire carriage is starting to lean over now; metal buf**kling under the pressure, seats warping ahead of me. All I can do is sit. I’m torn between screaming at the top of my lungs and breaking down in tears, so I clutch onto my seat as the train begins to lean, gargling swear words through the new-found hatred for the world that’s streaming down my face, only the feeling of my own tears dripping onto my body left to comfort me. It’s the only thing that feels real right now. Then, as sharp as the knife that pushing in my soul, the tram finally comes crashing down.
Blinking twice I eagerly begin looking around. I was alive, caught between two malformed wref**kages that once sat myself and others. There’s no life to speak of, all I see In front of me is a smouldering tip. Why the f*f**k did this have to happen to me? I wish I could scream until my vocal chords snapped, but the energy escapes me. Smoke fills everything, I can hear the slight roaring of a fire in the distance, and what looks to be an occasional flif**ker past the thif**k blanket of darkness that burns my eyes red raw. I can’t even try to cough; the smoke just enters and leaves me freely, slowly bleeding my lungs of their life. Where is everyone? How can I be alone?
I try to reach up to my mouth to cover it but I don’t have the strength, as I look down all I see is blood dripping from my hands. Slowly I begin to move skywards, yet the ringing silence tells me that no one has come. Instead I see my body beneath me, head beginning to tilt and arms rolling down my chest, leaving blood in its wake. Perhaps I will get some rest after all…
10:13 am
The thumping in my head is beginning to give way. It’s still splitting through my temples slightly, but I’m no longer groggy, the morning air is seeing that I’m wide-awake, caressing the aching with its cold breeze. Such a cold day would normally bother me, but the restless heat racing through my veins calls for such a morning, just something to refresh my senses.
Nothing seems to be bothering me this morning; even a crowded train station seems somewhat homely, just the comfort of being so close to people, lost in a sea of bodies, as subtle as a single grain of sand in a vast desert. It’s so reassuring to be such an insignificant part of a gargantuan world; just to know there is always going to be someone in the same situation as you, thinking the same as you. Even the sound of abrupt hammering upon metal can be forgiven; knof**king me out of the little dream world I was sketching in my mind. Looks like there’s work being done on the opposite rail; 4 tired faces quif**kly moving across the traf**ks performing routine chef**ks. I can’t help but smile at them, but they fail to notice. Even if they do I doubt they would raise a smile baf**k.
That familiar sound of melancholic chugging is faintly emerging in the distance. Growing louder and more tuneful, before beginning its descent to static. A wry screech accompanies the halt of the train, followed shortly by a release of air as the doors slide open. Smoke fills the station, before quif**kly escaping into the open air, just long enough to catch the scent of the city as it passes.
A shudder fills my body. I’d better get on the train. Snapping out of the thoughts that fill my mind, my vision is slightly impaired, objects pulsating ahead of me. You know the feeling, after deep thought, staring at whichever spot you pif**ked for the duration of whatever dream you may have weaved, when you snap baf**k to reality and you get that feeling of being truly alive.
Brushing past the seats occupied by various faces, I take my place at the baf**k of the train, that blissful feeling of not caring fades and my headache establishes itself in my now-beating temples; this time splitting through my head worse than before. The doors slide to comfort once again as the train sets off.
A couple chatter intimately in the seats ahead, reminding me of tonight. I shouldn’t really be listening, but I can’t help myself. It’s something to do instead of twiddling thumbs, or watching the scenery pass by, the only beauty to be seen in the shadow of tragedy; old junk yards littered with those looking for food. What else is there to do for an hour? Make a bubble in your mouth and tend to it.
7:36 am
A girl, I know I’ve seen her before, just stood in front of me. Glaring deep into my eyes, mouth beginning to open. A scream escapes her blue lips, piercing my eardrums, forcing the entire room to shake with its white noise. I clutch my head to relieve the sound, but my hands do nothing. She just stands there, screaming, windows shattering all around, building beginning to crumble under the strain. A large slab drops from the roof, but breaks upon with the little girl, disarming the threat into nothing more than dust without a blinking eye.
Her face is beginning to turn white, still not breathing beyond the deafening whine emitting from her soul. She’s beginning to move now, tilting slowly left, more mortar dropping from above and crashing to the ground, leaving nothing more than harmless grains in her wake every time they hit her. Behind the fallen room is nothing; just a blaf**k emptiness spanning for miles. My eye catches a slight flif**ker of red in the distance. The girl is gone now, probably lost in the darkness, nothing of the house remains either, no past scars from the disaster that just befell it, no dust filling my breath, even the floor has been engulfed by the nothingness that is now everywhere.
A caf**kle lingers in my mind. Whether it is somewhere in the shadows or a distant memory and can’t tell, but it swoops throughout my mind like the flif**kering red swoops throughout the darkness. Ever changing. I’m trying to follow what direction my mind can make from the slur of senses, but still I turn and the flif**kering is in my wake. I turn again to find it ahead of me; still in the distance, past a misty tunnel. Stark objects emanate from the tunnels side, pointing in all directions, warped and disfigured, the shapes baring no resemblance in anything amongst my memory bank. Something has happened here.
The flif**ker is growing ahead of me, but as a come close it fades once again, leaving me lost once again. I’ve found something though; that girl again, trapped between the shapes, grasping onto her like wretched hands born from the wref**kage. She is not struggling, she has grown now, and no longer the screaming youth sits in front of me, now a fully-grown woman. It seems she has resigned herself to an end. I’m trying to speak to her but my mouth doesn’t move, she just sits there, lifeless, miming the words I wish I could say.
I’ve seen that face before, I know it so well, why can’t I think who it is? The only face that enters my mind is my sister. But it can’t be. The hands that clutch her squeeze tighter, breaking through her skin, leaving blood to drip down her side. Still her face shows no emotion, no thoughts whatsoever. Just a shell, slowly being crushed. The hands are beginning to ease up, as her body begins to rise. I look up and white lights blind me…
The sun shining through the curtains catches my eye and they jolt open. It was just a dream after all. All just a dream. I get out of bed and a shudder hits my spine, it’s such a cold morning, it makes me want to climb baf**k into bed and bask in my own warmth all day, but today, I don’t want to waste a second. As I make my way to the bathroom, a headache begins to chew away at me, boring into my skull. This must be the first time in years I’ve woken up with a headache, the bitter cold seems to be getting to me.
I drop a headache tablet into a glass of cold water and watch it fizz, bubbles shooting to the surface. They finally die down so I can bring the glass to lips, hopefully this will sooth the aching. I can’t help but grin, despite my chattering teeth and beating head. Looking out at the deep red, morning sky, like an aurora filled with colour, I can’t wait to get on with the day. Today is special for me; I’m 22 now, and my boyfriend is coming over especially to see me. Once I’ve got baf**k from work I’m going to meet him and we’re going somewhere special. I haven’t felt so excited since I was small child, eagerly waiting for Santa on Christmas morning.
I don’t know, I just feel like this is going to be a good day.
I love that release, you know the one; you’ve just had a hard day at work, the streetlights begin to flif**ker to a warm glow in an otherwise bitterly cold street, and then that one moment when you sink into your seat on the train, glaring happily out of the carriage window as the lights hidden behind the tear-stains slowly disappear into darkness.
The aching in my legs is slowly subsiding to a comfortable pulse, shoulders beginning to slouch and wrap around my seat, my eye line following the endless patterns ahead and slowly growing tired under the gentle revolutions of the train gliding over its traf**ks. You only start to respect how soothing the sound of metal rolling upon metal is at the end of a weeks work. It seems to have nursed my head from the splitting pains, and now my mind is awash with slumber. Just colourful images gleefully hopping in and out of my focus, watercolours dripping down my eyes leaving me in a state of restful bliss.
It didn’t last too long this time, though; the systematic chugging of the trams has started turning to an abrasive shriek as the first stop begins to emerge from beneath my blinking eyes. A loud clif**k signals the train to be lof**ked in position and my body is pushed forward at the sudden change of pace. So much for rest on the way home then. Even the routine sounds of the train have changed to an annoying scraping motion, getting louder as we move faster and quif**kly changing to a subtle clif**k. Oh well, I’m happy enough, as long as I can wallow in my thoughts, thinking about tonight, my glee won’t be tarnished.
The clif**king seems to have become more frequent, and the train isn’t particularly smooth today. If I wasn’t so tired I’d go and ask what it was, I suppose my mind is in a bit of a conflict; do I break from my thoughts so I can see if I can perhaps get some rest, or sit in a relaxing daze until I reach my destination? There’s no contest there for me.
A large bump snaps me out of my little world once again, and the train now seems to be veering off to the left, the clif**king grower much louder. Should I be worried? Looking out of the window everything seems fine, but I suppose I’d better go and ask. Another large thud brings me crashing to my seat, as the train seems to derail and begin to the left. Peering out of the window once again shows the traf**ks slowly fading away as leaves whip the carriage glass my eyes are trying to focus on.
The entire carriage is starting to lean over now; metal buf**kling under the pressure, seats warping ahead of me. All I can do is sit. I’m torn between screaming at the top of my lungs and breaking down in tears, so I clutch onto my seat as the train begins to lean, gargling swear words through the new-found hatred for the world that’s streaming down my face, only the feeling of my own tears dripping onto my body left to comfort me. It’s the only thing that feels real right now. Then, as sharp as the knife that pushing in my soul, the tram finally comes crashing down.
Blinking twice I eagerly begin looking around. I was alive, caught between two malformed wref**kages that once sat myself and others. There’s no life to speak of, all I see In front of me is a smouldering tip. Why the f*f**k did this have to happen to me? I wish I could scream until my vocal chords snapped, but the energy escapes me. Smoke fills everything, I can hear the slight roaring of a fire in the distance, and what looks to be an occasional flif**ker past the thif**k blanket of darkness that burns my eyes red raw. I can’t even try to cough; the smoke just enters and leaves me freely, slowly bleeding my lungs of their life. Where is everyone? How can I be alone?
I try to reach up to my mouth to cover it but I don’t have the strength, as I look down all I see is blood dripping from my hands. Slowly I begin to move skywards, yet the ringing silence tells me that no one has come. Instead I see my body beneath me, head beginning to tilt and arms rolling down my chest, leaving blood in its wake. Perhaps I will get some rest after all…
10:13 am
The thumping in my head is beginning to give way. It’s still splitting through my temples slightly, but I’m no longer groggy, the morning air is seeing that I’m wide-awake, caressing the aching with its cold breeze. Such a cold day would normally bother me, but the restless heat racing through my veins calls for such a morning, just something to refresh my senses.
Nothing seems to be bothering me this morning; even a crowded train station seems somewhat homely, just the comfort of being so close to people, lost in a sea of bodies, as subtle as a single grain of sand in a vast desert. It’s so reassuring to be such an insignificant part of a gargantuan world; just to know there is always going to be someone in the same situation as you, thinking the same as you. Even the sound of abrupt hammering upon metal can be forgiven; knof**king me out of the little dream world I was sketching in my mind. Looks like there’s work being done on the opposite rail; 4 tired faces quif**kly moving across the traf**ks performing routine chef**ks. I can’t help but smile at them, but they fail to notice. Even if they do I doubt they would raise a smile baf**k.
That familiar sound of melancholic chugging is faintly emerging in the distance. Growing louder and more tuneful, before beginning its descent to static. A wry screech accompanies the halt of the train, followed shortly by a release of air as the doors slide open. Smoke fills the station, before quif**kly escaping into the open air, just long enough to catch the scent of the city as it passes.
A shudder fills my body. I’d better get on the train. Snapping out of the thoughts that fill my mind, my vision is slightly impaired, objects pulsating ahead of me. You know the feeling, after deep thought, staring at whichever spot you pif**ked for the duration of whatever dream you may have weaved, when you snap baf**k to reality and you get that feeling of being truly alive.
Brushing past the seats occupied by various faces, I take my place at the baf**k of the train, that blissful feeling of not caring fades and my headache establishes itself in my now-beating temples; this time splitting through my head worse than before. The doors slide to comfort once again as the train sets off.
A couple chatter intimately in the seats ahead, reminding me of tonight. I shouldn’t really be listening, but I can’t help myself. It’s something to do instead of twiddling thumbs, or watching the scenery pass by, the only beauty to be seen in the shadow of tragedy; old junk yards littered with those looking for food. What else is there to do for an hour? Make a bubble in your mouth and tend to it.
7:36 am
A girl, I know I’ve seen her before, just stood in front of me. Glaring deep into my eyes, mouth beginning to open. A scream escapes her blue lips, piercing my eardrums, forcing the entire room to shake with its white noise. I clutch my head to relieve the sound, but my hands do nothing. She just stands there, screaming, windows shattering all around, building beginning to crumble under the strain. A large slab drops from the roof, but breaks upon with the little girl, disarming the threat into nothing more than dust without a blinking eye.
Her face is beginning to turn white, still not breathing beyond the deafening whine emitting from her soul. She’s beginning to move now, tilting slowly left, more mortar dropping from above and crashing to the ground, leaving nothing more than harmless grains in her wake every time they hit her. Behind the fallen room is nothing; just a blaf**k emptiness spanning for miles. My eye catches a slight flif**ker of red in the distance. The girl is gone now, probably lost in the darkness, nothing of the house remains either, no past scars from the disaster that just befell it, no dust filling my breath, even the floor has been engulfed by the nothingness that is now everywhere.
A caf**kle lingers in my mind. Whether it is somewhere in the shadows or a distant memory and can’t tell, but it swoops throughout my mind like the flif**kering red swoops throughout the darkness. Ever changing. I’m trying to follow what direction my mind can make from the slur of senses, but still I turn and the flif**kering is in my wake. I turn again to find it ahead of me; still in the distance, past a misty tunnel. Stark objects emanate from the tunnels side, pointing in all directions, warped and disfigured, the shapes baring no resemblance in anything amongst my memory bank. Something has happened here.
The flif**ker is growing ahead of me, but as a come close it fades once again, leaving me lost once again. I’ve found something though; that girl again, trapped between the shapes, grasping onto her like wretched hands born from the wref**kage. She is not struggling, she has grown now, and no longer the screaming youth sits in front of me, now a fully-grown woman. It seems she has resigned herself to an end. I’m trying to speak to her but my mouth doesn’t move, she just sits there, lifeless, miming the words I wish I could say.
I’ve seen that face before, I know it so well, why can’t I think who it is? The only face that enters my mind is my sister. But it can’t be. The hands that clutch her squeeze tighter, breaking through her skin, leaving blood to drip down her side. Still her face shows no emotion, no thoughts whatsoever. Just a shell, slowly being crushed. The hands are beginning to ease up, as her body begins to rise. I look up and white lights blind me…
The sun shining through the curtains catches my eye and they jolt open. It was just a dream after all. All just a dream. I get out of bed and a shudder hits my spine, it’s such a cold morning, it makes me want to climb baf**k into bed and bask in my own warmth all day, but today, I don’t want to waste a second. As I make my way to the bathroom, a headache begins to chew away at me, boring into my skull. This must be the first time in years I’ve woken up with a headache, the bitter cold seems to be getting to me.
I drop a headache tablet into a glass of cold water and watch it fizz, bubbles shooting to the surface. They finally die down so I can bring the glass to lips, hopefully this will sooth the aching. I can’t help but grin, despite my chattering teeth and beating head. Looking out at the deep red, morning sky, like an aurora filled with colour, I can’t wait to get on with the day. Today is special for me; I’m 22 now, and my boyfriend is coming over especially to see me. Once I’ve got baf**k from work I’m going to meet him and we’re going somewhere special. I haven’t felt so excited since I was small child, eagerly waiting for Santa on Christmas morning.
I don’t know, I just feel like this is going to be a good day.
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Yeah, I was unsure about the crash part. I just can't seem to write actions very well, I go all descibe-ee and something that should hit you ends up plodding a bit. :D
Good stuff - an interesting breakaway from the usual chronology of stories to this more original time sequence. Effectively done, too - first of all confusing and ambiguous, and then ultimately satisfying. The first two paragraphs really did stand out - you absolutely nailed the feeling you were describing. Very impressive.
On a less positive note, there were some irritating tense inconsistencies and a few unfortunate cliches. The crash itself was also a little bit lacking in impact. Fair play to you if it was intentionally woven in like this, but if there was a quickening of pace it may have made her death a bit more believable. I also could not work out the full significance of the dream, other than something of a premonition - maybe this could've been a bit clearer.
On the whole though, not bad at all.
On a less positive note, there were some irritating tense inconsistencies and a few unfortunate cliches. The crash itself was also a little bit lacking in impact. Fair play to you if it was intentionally woven in like this, but if there was a quickening of pace it may have made her death a bit more believable. I also could not work out the full significance of the dream, other than something of a premonition - maybe this could've been a bit clearer.
On the whole though, not bad at all.
Aye, top 3 for sure at the mo.
Probably top if no-one else can pull anything off.
Enjoyed it muchly - you're still one of my favourites by the way you write.
Probably top if no-one else can pull anything off.
Enjoyed it muchly - you're still one of my favourites by the way you write.
Thanks for the comments. I was trying to make it so you deeply felt the sense of tragedy, and hopefully so you came away from reading it with something to think about.
Of course that was my aim, I was always worried it could become like a plodding overdose of pretty words. :) Thanks for taking the time to read it.
Of course that was my aim, I was always worried it could become like a plodding overdose of pretty words. :) Thanks for taking the time to read it.
I semi-enjoyed it. Don't quite know. Nicely written and flowed well enough but I think I'll have to read it again later :)
I like this story.
The layout is very clever, and may have suited my entry if implicated in the right way, but it was, as a whole, bloody good. Keep it up.
Podium finish = very likely.
The layout is very clever, and may have suited my entry if implicated in the right way, but it was, as a whole, bloody good. Keep it up.
Podium finish = very likely.
Paradox: wrote:
> I posted after one minute, without reading it :-)
Well duh, I know you love me really. ;)
> I posted after one minute, without reading it :-)
Well duh, I know you love me really. ;)
Lovely words, but I just didn't 'feel' the whole. I think I missed something somewhere though...
I posted after one minute, without reading it :-)
Heh.
Just like digging at you because my stories are rubbish.
I'll read it propperly now babydoll.
Heh.
Just like digging at you because my stories are rubbish.
I'll read it propperly now babydoll.
I'm thinking Para's comment is void, somehow.
From a quick skim through, you've changed things.
Soon, boy, soon.
From a quick skim through, you've changed things.
Soon, boy, soon.
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