The "Creative Writing" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
He was facing the other direction on the corner at the far end, and failed to notice me as I strolled past the parked cars, glowing their deceptive colours, and down the middle of the road, as if I was Mayor. The surface was perfect. To call it damp would be too suffocating, yet wet would suggest it was uncomfortable. It was solid, absorbent of footsteps but sturdy and sure. I hopped onto the pavement behind him and he turned to face me.
“Good evening.”
For no less than five seconds he stood rigid and stared at me, evidently taken aback by my sudden appearance, but was quick soon after to remember his duty.
“Sir, I must advise you to return to your house. The rules are there for your protection.”
I had not prepared an excuse, though if I had, it would have been of little use. He sighed and removed a gold pocket watch from his front-right jacket pocket.
“The curfew began at ten o’clock. It is now four minutes past two.” He paused to let this sink in. I hadn’t known the time, but I didn’t care – it made little difference to what I was doing. “Do you need me to escort you home?”
“Cigarette?”
I presented the unopened box in an outstretched palm. The universal gesture of a helping hand towards a slow death momentarily disarmed him from his placid professionalism, but he refused, and returned the watch to his pocket.
“No thank-you Sir, I’m on duty.”
At last I had an opening.
“Isn’t it a little quiet around here for a graveyard shift? I’d have thought you’d have more to do in the town centre.”
He cleared his throat gruffly. “Too bloody right, I’ve seen nothing but foxes and rain all week.” The transition my comment provoked from orderly to emotional was so immediate that it forced a smile – an unfortunately naked reaction that was instantly misconstrued. “And what the hell do you think you’re smiling at?”
“No, no, I know what you’re saying.” I made a pressing down motion with my hands as if attempting to physically defuse the situation. “I live just up the road, and there’s never any sign of trouble.”
He made a surrendered “h’m” sound, possibly apologetic. I had worried at this point that he would recognise the irony of what he was saying, and send me home, or arrest me, but he pressed on, and began offloading a career’s worth of personal aggravations. I had obviously struck a familiar chord.
“I never really wanted this job.” he began slowly, “I know none of us get to choose, but I really thought I could be different. Every night I stand here, and for what? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. There’s no point, but there’s nothing I can do about it. You’d have thought I’d have some comfort at home, with my wife, my children.” He laughed sharply and sarcastically. “Believe me, working ten hour night shifts doesn’t give you much time to stay awake elsewhere.” He hesitated, and I felt again the anxiety that the conversation may fizzle and I would have to leave, but it was quickly defeated. “And this bloody rain!” I smiled and nodded, but didn’t speak. He held a second-long pause, then said “What do you do?”
I smiled once more, and he echoed a similar albeit less convincing reflection. The equality was now perfectly established.
“I’m an accountant.” and before he could comment, I said, relishing the control, “Listen, I need to get going. It was nice talking to you.” He blinked as if jerking awake, and straightened his back a little.
“Very well Sir, please hurry along.”
I walked briskly back down the road, enjoying the pleasures of the street in reverse, and stepped onto the opposite pavement. Checking behind to see if he was watching – he was, but looked around when I turned – I pushed through the hole in the fence into a small wooded area that surrounds a path and a stream.
At the base of the thickest trunk was my nest. Carefully, I removed my shoes, socks, trousers (taking the cigarettes out of the pocket and the belt out of the loops), shirt, jacket and hat and placed them in their black bin liner, tucking the package into a hollow beneath the tree. Then I picked up the rags from the floor and shook the damp dirt from them, pulled the torn garments on and collapsed between the thick roots, smiling, and drifting into a comfortable sleep.
He was facing the other direction on the corner at the far end, and failed to notice me as I strolled past the parked cars, glowing their deceptive colours, and down the middle of the road, as if I was Mayor. The surface was perfect. To call it damp would be too suffocating, yet wet would suggest it was uncomfortable. It was solid, absorbent of footsteps but sturdy and sure. I hopped onto the pavement behind him and he turned to face me.
“Good evening.”
For no less than five seconds he stood rigid and stared at me, evidently taken aback by my sudden appearance, but was quick soon after to remember his duty.
“Sir, I must advise you to return to your house. The rules are there for your protection.”
I had not prepared an excuse, though if I had, it would have been of little use. He sighed and removed a gold pocket watch from his front-right jacket pocket.
“The curfew began at ten o’clock. It is now four minutes past two.” He paused to let this sink in. I hadn’t known the time, but I didn’t care – it made little difference to what I was doing. “Do you need me to escort you home?”
“Cigarette?”
I presented the unopened box in an outstretched palm. The universal gesture of a helping hand towards a slow death momentarily disarmed him from his placid professionalism, but he refused, and returned the watch to his pocket.
“No thank-you Sir, I’m on duty.”
At last I had an opening.
“Isn’t it a little quiet around here for a graveyard shift? I’d have thought you’d have more to do in the town centre.”
He cleared his throat gruffly. “Too bloody right, I’ve seen nothing but foxes and rain all week.” The transition my comment provoked from orderly to emotional was so immediate that it forced a smile – an unfortunately naked reaction that was instantly misconstrued. “And what the hell do you think you’re smiling at?”
“No, no, I know what you’re saying.” I made a pressing down motion with my hands as if attempting to physically defuse the situation. “I live just up the road, and there’s never any sign of trouble.”
He made a surrendered “h’m” sound, possibly apologetic. I had worried at this point that he would recognise the irony of what he was saying, and send me home, or arrest me, but he pressed on, and began offloading a career’s worth of personal aggravations. I had obviously struck a familiar chord.
“I never really wanted this job.” he began slowly, “I know none of us get to choose, but I really thought I could be different. Every night I stand here, and for what? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. There’s no point, but there’s nothing I can do about it. You’d have thought I’d have some comfort at home, with my wife, my children.” He laughed sharply and sarcastically. “Believe me, working ten hour night shifts doesn’t give you much time to stay awake elsewhere.” He hesitated, and I felt again the anxiety that the conversation may fizzle and I would have to leave, but it was quickly defeated. “And this bloody rain!” I smiled and nodded, but didn’t speak. He held a second-long pause, then said “What do you do?”
I smiled once more, and he echoed a similar albeit less convincing reflection. The equality was now perfectly established.
“I’m an accountant.” and before he could comment, I said, relishing the control, “Listen, I need to get going. It was nice talking to you.” He blinked as if jerking awake, and straightened his back a little.
“Very well Sir, please hurry along.”
I walked briskly back down the road, enjoying the pleasures of the street in reverse, and stepped onto the opposite pavement. Checking behind to see if he was watching – he was, but looked around when I turned – I pushed through the hole in the fence into a small wooded area that surrounds a path and a stream.
At the base of the thickest trunk was my nest. Carefully, I removed my shoes, socks, trousers (taking the cigarettes out of the pocket and the belt out of the loops), shirt, jacket and hat and placed them in their black bin liner, tucking the package into a hollow beneath the tree. Then I picked up the rags from the floor and shook the damp dirt from them, pulled the torn garments on and collapsed between the thick roots, smiling, and drifting into a comfortable sleep.
:)
Excellent.
Is that truly surrealism, because it seems to be a popular style of writing that I've only taken an interest into lately. Mainly because I didn't understand it and so couldn't appreciate it other than for the quality of the spelling and grammar, which is quite depressing.
However, having said this, I have now found a place for it. This is the first piece I've read in a little while, so, in short, thank you.
The first and last passages truly were well written and entertained me greatly. The rain comments at the beginning and the clothes one at the end were very different, but showed a certain style.
I will be as harsh to say though, that apart from the opening and closing paragraphs, there was a void of anything in the middle apart from a couple of lines.
Haven't read many entries, but this seemed like it was better than some.
Has anyone got any links to other short pieces of surrealism?
> For the less intelligent among us, or those like me who are reading
> this when they really should be doing something else, where is the
> diamond link?
Diamond served as more of an inspiration here - the story being about the valued and unbreakable pride of this man. Diamonds obviously being worth a lot and difficult to break, that's where it came from.
I especially liked the imagery at the start.
> Has anyone got any links to other short pieces of surrealism?
[URL]http://ukchatforums.reserve.co.uk/display_messages.php?threadid=117338&forumid=4011[/URL]
Mmmmmm... plug.