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I awoke, I believe, upon a barren, featureless plateau covered with sharp rocks and pitted with minute craters and indentations. No life dwelt there, and the cold air was utterly still. I lay inert upon the rocks, neither living nor dead, but something more, watching the swirling mists surround me. There were shapes in the billows; fluctuating and always changing. As I struggled with the fractured images in my head, I came to establish a link between them and my past life - scarcely remembered.
There was a girl, someone I knew or had known, speaking to me, but making no sound. Her bright and perfect face warped in the mists, becoming mutilated and scarred, but the mouth still moved, trying to tell me something...pleading with me. I had taken it - left her and taken the diamond to be mine. Why? How could I have commited this monstrosity? Then, however, a thought entered my mind; perhaps it was worth it.
Suddenly the fog parted, blowing aside to reveal a tall, gaunt creature striding towards me. It moved with sleek and purposeful steps, and at the sound of it's footsteps I felt the sheer vindictive malice of it's demeanour wash over me. One last fleeting cry from the elegant creature in the foggy void and then the creature was all that existed.
It stood before me, clad in a long, dark robe, bedecked in sinister finery, shrouding it's face. Diamond-like jewels of a thousand shades of darkness shone at it's wrists, and a dull metal choker around it's neck. They called out to me, pulling my gaze towards them as I cowered in the dust. They seemed to speak to me, talking of my ruin, the death of all that I could have been. I willed myself to run and leave the cursed place forever, to return to the friendly, twilight streets of my home. I tried to forget, forget the blasphemy and depravity that had taken place, but I couldn't, and as the robed figure drew near, I knew that now, this was my home.
As I walked alongside the beast through the mists I brooded on what had been. I had taken it, the diamond, in despite of the warnings of those I cared for, and in doing so, I had destroyed them. This was now the only place left - the only place for me. I realised that there was nothing left for me where I had been, that it had been destroyed by my greed and weak will. I could not cry, as I understood that this was the way it had to be, I could not deny my nature.
I stumbled on through the mists of the void, as the last vestiges of true thought slipped away from me. Doomed forever to wander the bleak plains of the damned.
There was a girl, someone I knew or had known, speaking to me, but making no sound. Her bright and perfect face warped in the mists, becoming mutilated and scarred, but the mouth still moved, trying to tell me something...pleading with me. I had taken it - left her and taken the diamond to be mine. Why? How could I have commited this monstrosity? Then, however, a thought entered my mind; perhaps it was worth it.
Suddenly the fog parted, blowing aside to reveal a tall, gaunt creature striding towards me. It moved with sleek and purposeful steps, and at the sound of it's footsteps I felt the sheer vindictive malice of it's demeanour wash over me. One last fleeting cry from the elegant creature in the foggy void and then the creature was all that existed.
It stood before me, clad in a long, dark robe, bedecked in sinister finery, shrouding it's face. Diamond-like jewels of a thousand shades of darkness shone at it's wrists, and a dull metal choker around it's neck. They called out to me, pulling my gaze towards them as I cowered in the dust. They seemed to speak to me, talking of my ruin, the death of all that I could have been. I willed myself to run and leave the cursed place forever, to return to the friendly, twilight streets of my home. I tried to forget, forget the blasphemy and depravity that had taken place, but I couldn't, and as the robed figure drew near, I knew that now, this was my home.
As I walked alongside the beast through the mists I brooded on what had been. I had taken it, the diamond, in despite of the warnings of those I cared for, and in doing so, I had destroyed them. This was now the only place left - the only place for me. I realised that there was nothing left for me where I had been, that it had been destroyed by my greed and weak will. I could not cry, as I understood that this was the way it had to be, I could not deny my nature.
I stumbled on through the mists of the void, as the last vestiges of true thought slipped away from me. Doomed forever to wander the bleak plains of the damned.
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I awoke, I believe, upon a barren, featureless plateau covered with sharp rocks and pitted with minute craters and indentations. No life dwelt there, and the cold air was utterly still. I lay inert upon the rocks, neither living nor dead, but something more, watching the swirling mists surround me. There were shapes in the billows; fluctuating and always changing. As I struggled with the fractured images in my head, I came to establish a link between them and my past life - scarcely remembered.
There was a girl, someone I knew or had known, speaking to me, but making no sound. Her bright and perfect face warped in the mists, becoming mutilated and scarred, but the mouth still moved, trying to tell me something...pleading with me. I had taken it - left her and taken the diamond to be mine. Why? How could I have commited this monstrosity? Then, however, a thought entered my mind; perhaps it was worth it.
Suddenly the fog parted, blowing aside to reveal a tall, gaunt creature striding towards me. It moved with sleek and purposeful steps, and at the sound of it's footsteps I felt the sheer vindictive malice of it's demeanour wash over me. One last fleeting cry from the elegant creature in the foggy void and then the creature was all that existed.
It stood before me, clad in a long, dark robe, bedecked in sinister finery, shrouding it's face. Diamond-like jewels of a thousand shades of darkness shone at it's wrists, and a dull metal choker around it's neck. They called out to me, pulling my gaze towards them as I cowered in the dust. They seemed to speak to me, talking of my ruin, the death of all that I could have been. I willed myself to run and leave the cursed place forever, to return to the friendly, twilight streets of my home. I tried to forget, forget the blasphemy and depravity that had taken place, but I couldn't, and as the robed figure drew near, I knew that now, this was my home.
As I walked alongside the beast through the mists I brooded on what had been. I had taken it, the diamond, in despite of the warnings of those I cared for, and in doing so, I had destroyed them. This was now the only place left - the only place for me. I realised that there was nothing left for me where I had been, that it had been destroyed by my greed and weak will. I could not cry, as I understood that this was the way it had to be, I could not deny my nature.
I stumbled on through the mists of the void, as the last vestiges of true thought slipped away from me. Doomed forever to wander the bleak plains of the damned.
There was a girl, someone I knew or had known, speaking to me, but making no sound. Her bright and perfect face warped in the mists, becoming mutilated and scarred, but the mouth still moved, trying to tell me something...pleading with me. I had taken it - left her and taken the diamond to be mine. Why? How could I have commited this monstrosity? Then, however, a thought entered my mind; perhaps it was worth it.
Suddenly the fog parted, blowing aside to reveal a tall, gaunt creature striding towards me. It moved with sleek and purposeful steps, and at the sound of it's footsteps I felt the sheer vindictive malice of it's demeanour wash over me. One last fleeting cry from the elegant creature in the foggy void and then the creature was all that existed.
It stood before me, clad in a long, dark robe, bedecked in sinister finery, shrouding it's face. Diamond-like jewels of a thousand shades of darkness shone at it's wrists, and a dull metal choker around it's neck. They called out to me, pulling my gaze towards them as I cowered in the dust. They seemed to speak to me, talking of my ruin, the death of all that I could have been. I willed myself to run and leave the cursed place forever, to return to the friendly, twilight streets of my home. I tried to forget, forget the blasphemy and depravity that had taken place, but I couldn't, and as the robed figure drew near, I knew that now, this was my home.
As I walked alongside the beast through the mists I brooded on what had been. I had taken it, the diamond, in despite of the warnings of those I cared for, and in doing so, I had destroyed them. This was now the only place left - the only place for me. I realised that there was nothing left for me where I had been, that it had been destroyed by my greed and weak will. I could not cry, as I understood that this was the way it had to be, I could not deny my nature.
I stumbled on through the mists of the void, as the last vestiges of true thought slipped away from me. Doomed forever to wander the bleak plains of the damned.
Hmm did me and Pumpkin betray you on Live a minute ago? Also nice story, I liked it.
I don't know-maybe. Thanks for the feedback.
Probably.
I wanted alone time, THAT'S ALL I ASKED FOR!
I wanted alone time, THAT'S ALL I ASKED FOR!
All I could say is that the sentences flow nicely and that I like your choice of words in some places. In others they seem a little needlessly abstract.
Cycloon wrote:
> Probably.
>
> I wanted alone time, THAT'S ALL I ASKED FOR!
Alone time with me, talking about Zen(s)
> Probably.
>
> I wanted alone time, THAT'S ALL I ASKED FOR!
Alone time with me, talking about Zen(s)
Wow, no one cares about my story. I think I'll go off and die (for the third time).
1) It doesn't convey any real sense of excitment/mystery etc. You might have a personal image of this. It doesn't come across
3) Tone done some of the descriptions. I hate this in stories (not just yours), the over description of every little thing
4) You have nice sentences
I missed 2) because I'm so damn cool.
3) Tone done some of the descriptions. I hate this in stories (not just yours), the over description of every little thing
4) You have nice sentences
I missed 2) because I'm so damn cool.
On a second reading, I would add that there is definately the makings of a story there, with certain sentences that draw it all together.
This created the effect of pointing to much more than what was actually in the words. I like it when that happens. So I like this.
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