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"Alexander"

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Mon 10/01/05 at 13:02
Regular
"Wanking Mong"
Posts: 4,884
Under no circumstances see this film. It is without any shadow of a doubt the biggest and most putrified box of monkeycock I've ever had the bored and restless displeasure of sitting through.

It starts out so promisingly; there's angelina looking good. There's Val Kilmer being mad. And...some annoying little proto-Anakin brat too. Okay, all of the dialogue thus far is pretentious, and the score seems to have been borrowed from another film, but lets give it a chance.

We even get to see Brian Blessed in the opening minutes, which put my mind at rest of the rubbish dialogue. Then I remembered he was also in the Phantom Menace, and my heart began to sink.

After an eternity of the Irish voiced Macedonians childhood, we get to the 1st big battle scene. And it's decent. However, it's also the LAST big battle scene. There is one more good sized battle, and that's at the end. Frankly the film isn't worth sitting through to get that far.

Of a 3 hour film, about 10 minutes is worth watching. For the rest of the time, not much happens. And it happens S-L-O-W-L-Y.

I spent the last hour actively willing Alexander dead so that the film would finish and I could go home.

All this is before I even start on the ropey acting, appalling script and melodrama throughout, and a score that sounds as if it was hurriedly put together for a sequel to The Sound of Music.

Alexander the Great: Ruler of the known world by the time he was 30, and arguably the greatest warrior, general...hell, greatest man who ever lived. And he's been remembered by a 3 hour dirge. Bah.
Thu 13/01/05 at 11:15
Regular
Posts: 863
The Hibernator wrote:
> And who's Brian Blessed?

Ohoho dear.
Thu 13/01/05 at 10:18
Regular
"56 000"
Posts: 279
Well might not have much action as I hoped. But the film Alexander still was very good. Didn't like angelina Jolie in it. But i like a good epic.
Tue 11/01/05 at 23:25
"period drama"
Posts: 19,792
You don't know who Brian Blessed is?
Ohohoho, Satan will have your ass for this.
Tue 11/01/05 at 22:17
Regular
"For One Night Only"
Posts: 3,773
Cycloon wrote:
> Die. Die now.

It's weird you should say that actually, 'cos I lived...
Tue 11/01/05 at 19:35
Regular
"Devotion 2The Ocean"
Posts: 6,658
Light wrote:
> I spent the last hour actively willing Alexander dead so that the
> film would finish and I could go home.

lol! That was my feeling exactly! Never wanted someone to die in a film as bad.

Somehow I did actually manage to stay awake though. So it wasn't as bad as The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen, which I actually fell asleep watching.

:)
Mon 10/01/05 at 22:54
Regular
"gsybe you!"
Posts: 18,825
Die. Die now.
Mon 10/01/05 at 19:37
Regular
"For One Night Only"
Posts: 3,773
I like Troy...

And who's Brian Blessed?
Mon 10/01/05 at 18:52
Regular
Posts: 11,038
No-one seems to know how to make a good "swords and shields" film now.

It's quite simple really.

All you have to do is have the main characters family killed
Angry main character starts a battle.
Have the good guys go back to camp after suffering a huge loss.
The main character gets angry gets bigger army.
Goes out and kills the enemy in revenge battle 1.
Love interest
The baddies come back and kill love interest.
Angry main character runs into main baddie camp with small posse.
Kills lotsof people, but is outnumbered and captured.
Awaiting execution with his posse, he remembers his love interest.
Rest of good guy army come in and kill baddies.
Good guy goes away and finds a couple of birds.


Hey, it's THAT simple.

All you have to do is make the main character a well known warrior (even if he is technically the bad guy), and the baddies someone that everyone knows.


Genghis Khan versus Hitler or something.
Mon 10/01/05 at 18:39
Regular
Posts: 13,611
Yeah, I found Troy very mediocre, as I did King Arthur.

Lots of people seem to be trying to cash in on the post Lord of the Rings swords-and-shields craze.
Mon 10/01/05 at 18:38
Regular
"No Surprises Please"
Posts: 2,192
Light wrote:
> Under no circumstances see this film. It is without any shadow of a
> doubt the biggest and most putrified box of monkeycock I've ever had
> the bored and restless displeasure of sitting through.

I described it as a barrel of monkey spunk, but both will do. Worse film I've seen in a very long time.

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