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"SSC15 - The Underpants Gnomes"

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Wed 08/12/04 at 21:20
Regular
"Copyright (c) 2004"
Posts: 602
The Underpants Gnomes


“But I don’t have any mummy!”. The anguished cries of a young boy in desperate need of some underwear. “Then where are they?”, a disgruntled mother shouts. “They were taken by the Underpants Gnomes,” the boy replies. What proceeds is a flurry of slaps and scolding as one of societies' future grunts is taught not to use that stupid lie again. Any protests, few as they are, are met with increased scolding. “But I can show you, just come and see!”. A fresh pair of underwear sits peacefully in a drawer, viewed eagerly by a pair of eyes, and not so eagerly by another. “This is ridiculous, no T.V. for a month, and if any more underwear goes missing no snacks either.”. The mother walks towards the door, patience leaking rapidly from every orifice. “but…..but…MUMMY, LOOK!!” An excited boy jumps up and down and points at the drawer. After glancing back at the drawer the only reply is “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THEM??” Her shouts echo all over the house, into the living room, where a distressed father tries to read his sports page above the noise, and out into the yard of the house, where on a small rock sits a quaint wee creature often referred to as a Gnome, gleefully eyeing his white, cotton bounty.

Contrary to popular belief not all small things are sweet and cuddly, as proven by Tom Hanks *pause for laughter*. As shown by the above situation these Gnomes exists only to spread fear and panic, oh and also to collect underpants, thus the name Underpants Gnomes. Coincidence? I think NOT. These dastardly little fellows are so sneaky and skilful you could be chatting in a crowd, and the next thing you know you feel a little breeze down there. It can be very embarrassing, especially when smuggling. What could possibly motivate such a beast? I’ll tell you what. Apart from massing a huge stockpile of underpants, the only thing that drives these Gnomes is seeing their work completed. Seeing scores of people with no underwear (especially in relation to skirts), seeing those two full circles through victims trousers, the full circles that drive their quest for underpants.

Maybe people don’t grasp the seriousness of the situation. Imagine a world leader, giving a speech to an international audience. After a few too many trips to the cleft and beyond, trying to relieve himself from those itchy trousers, the cameras catch on. The world is thrown into chaos. Civilisations fall, because the President of country X was scratching his ass while negotiating peace talks with country Y. Or not.

On a quiet country road, somewhere in the east of England, a little Gnome hops along, taking with him his underpants bounty, heading home after a successful days steal. Across fields, through woods, over streams and finally, reaching the well hidden entrance he went inside. A great Gnome meeting had just begun, with massed crowds of people from all over the world, gathered in the name of underpants. Up, upon his pinnacle, stood the great Gnome leader. The bearded one. Bill Oddie spoke to the chanting crowds, spreading a thin silence all over the cavern. "My bearded Brethren!" he yelled, "For many long hours we have toiled collecting underpants. Finally, on this, the glorious day of days, we have enough underpants to..." Bill Oddie paused, before continuing, obviously for dramatic effect. "..TAKE OVER THE WORLD!" Evil laughter trickled down from the plinth. "My brothers, we shall do this by.." "Collecting underpants??" a young Gnome piped in. "..NO", the bearded one continued. "We shall use them to build an ultimate doomsday device, against which none shall be able to resist!" "Then do we collect underpants?", another Gnome asked. An enraged Bill Oddie glared down at them huddled masses. "The collecting part is over", he said as calmly as he could, "Now we take over the world...". The mandatory manical laughter followed, shaking the cavern to its very limit.

"But collecting underpants is all we do...". Gnomes hung their heads in dismay at the news. Collecting underpants was all that mattered to them, seeing those two full circles made life worth living. Slowly, as the realisation dawned on all the Gnomes a chant began. "Full Circle, Full Circle!". Bill Odie stood, aghast, on his pinnacle, faced by hordes of chanting Gnomes. Was this a revolution? Knowing he couldnt win he submitted, and told them to, "Go and collect your stupid underpants, see if I care". And so, hundreds of Gnomes, doomed to an eternity of collecting underpants marched out of the cavern. Never would a pair of underpants be safe again. Full Circle.

Yes, I stole the idea from southpark. Only the basics though
Sat 18/12/04 at 01:21
Moderator
"possibly impossible"
Posts: 24,985
heh. Great stuff. I love those stories where the narrator butts in (only if it's written well, mind you).

Boy, will this be a difficult one to call...
Wed 15/12/04 at 15:41
Regular
"Going nowhere fast"
Posts: 6,574
* chuckles *

I don't watch Southpark so it was new to me and I enjoyed it. Also it's nice to know where they all disappear to so thanks for solving that mystery for me :D
Tue 14/12/04 at 15:39
Regular
"not dead"
Posts: 11,145
It brought a smile to my face - just a small one mind you, only the corners. ;o)
Thu 09/12/04 at 21:02
Regular
"Copyright (c) 2004"
Posts: 602
Black Glove wrote:
> Amusing. I like this line:
>
> "The mother walks towards the door, patience leaking rapidly
> from every orifice."
>
> I would've liked it more if it was knicker-based. But I'm just a
> pervert.

wouldnt we all.
Thu 09/12/04 at 20:35
Regular
"Laughingstock"
Posts: 3,522
Amusing. I like this line:

"The mother walks towards the door, patience leaking rapidly from every orifice."

I would've liked it more if it was knicker-based. But I'm just a pervert.
Wed 08/12/04 at 22:15
Regular
"Copyright (c) 2004"
Posts: 602
sorry, stuck against the spine. a little hard to get out.
Wed 08/12/04 at 21:58
"period drama"
Posts: 19,792
Full circle, yes.
Put the crowbar away now.
Wed 08/12/04 at 21:20
Regular
"Copyright (c) 2004"
Posts: 602
The Underpants Gnomes


“But I don’t have any mummy!”. The anguished cries of a young boy in desperate need of some underwear. “Then where are they?”, a disgruntled mother shouts. “They were taken by the Underpants Gnomes,” the boy replies. What proceeds is a flurry of slaps and scolding as one of societies' future grunts is taught not to use that stupid lie again. Any protests, few as they are, are met with increased scolding. “But I can show you, just come and see!”. A fresh pair of underwear sits peacefully in a drawer, viewed eagerly by a pair of eyes, and not so eagerly by another. “This is ridiculous, no T.V. for a month, and if any more underwear goes missing no snacks either.”. The mother walks towards the door, patience leaking rapidly from every orifice. “but…..but…MUMMY, LOOK!!” An excited boy jumps up and down and points at the drawer. After glancing back at the drawer the only reply is “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THEM??” Her shouts echo all over the house, into the living room, where a distressed father tries to read his sports page above the noise, and out into the yard of the house, where on a small rock sits a quaint wee creature often referred to as a Gnome, gleefully eyeing his white, cotton bounty.

Contrary to popular belief not all small things are sweet and cuddly, as proven by Tom Hanks *pause for laughter*. As shown by the above situation these Gnomes exists only to spread fear and panic, oh and also to collect underpants, thus the name Underpants Gnomes. Coincidence? I think NOT. These dastardly little fellows are so sneaky and skilful you could be chatting in a crowd, and the next thing you know you feel a little breeze down there. It can be very embarrassing, especially when smuggling. What could possibly motivate such a beast? I’ll tell you what. Apart from massing a huge stockpile of underpants, the only thing that drives these Gnomes is seeing their work completed. Seeing scores of people with no underwear (especially in relation to skirts), seeing those two full circles through victims trousers, the full circles that drive their quest for underpants.

Maybe people don’t grasp the seriousness of the situation. Imagine a world leader, giving a speech to an international audience. After a few too many trips to the cleft and beyond, trying to relieve himself from those itchy trousers, the cameras catch on. The world is thrown into chaos. Civilisations fall, because the President of country X was scratching his ass while negotiating peace talks with country Y. Or not.

On a quiet country road, somewhere in the east of England, a little Gnome hops along, taking with him his underpants bounty, heading home after a successful days steal. Across fields, through woods, over streams and finally, reaching the well hidden entrance he went inside. A great Gnome meeting had just begun, with massed crowds of people from all over the world, gathered in the name of underpants. Up, upon his pinnacle, stood the great Gnome leader. The bearded one. Bill Oddie spoke to the chanting crowds, spreading a thin silence all over the cavern. "My bearded Brethren!" he yelled, "For many long hours we have toiled collecting underpants. Finally, on this, the glorious day of days, we have enough underpants to..." Bill Oddie paused, before continuing, obviously for dramatic effect. "..TAKE OVER THE WORLD!" Evil laughter trickled down from the plinth. "My brothers, we shall do this by.." "Collecting underpants??" a young Gnome piped in. "..NO", the bearded one continued. "We shall use them to build an ultimate doomsday device, against which none shall be able to resist!" "Then do we collect underpants?", another Gnome asked. An enraged Bill Oddie glared down at them huddled masses. "The collecting part is over", he said as calmly as he could, "Now we take over the world...". The mandatory manical laughter followed, shaking the cavern to its very limit.

"But collecting underpants is all we do...". Gnomes hung their heads in dismay at the news. Collecting underpants was all that mattered to them, seeing those two full circles made life worth living. Slowly, as the realisation dawned on all the Gnomes a chant began. "Full Circle, Full Circle!". Bill Odie stood, aghast, on his pinnacle, faced by hordes of chanting Gnomes. Was this a revolution? Knowing he couldnt win he submitted, and told them to, "Go and collect your stupid underpants, see if I care". And so, hundreds of Gnomes, doomed to an eternity of collecting underpants marched out of the cavern. Never would a pair of underpants be safe again. Full Circle.

Yes, I stole the idea from southpark. Only the basics though

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