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Phil awoke sharply at 6.13 AM in a cold sweat...
He had had the same dream he had been having for the last forever.
He was dreaming that he was locked in a cage, an invisible cage but one nonetheless where every time he got to the boundary of his confinements, he could go no further. Something inside him compelled him to stay within the boundaries and never to venture out.
He was as unsure as ever as why he had this dream and why he was so petrified of it but never mind that, it was 6.13 AM and it was time for his daily routine. This routine consisted of a quick shower, watching TV until the mailman delivered the mail and playing pool. This was then rounded off by his search for a job. He had been searching for eternity for a job that suited him and showed off his credentials but unfortunately had yet to find one. As soon as Phil had started looking, he had finished and decided to grab a bite to eat.
He wondered into the kitchen and was taken back by his new fridge, he couldn’t remember buying it but it was there... He suddenly realised that it had been there for months and he had actually bought it because the old one wasn’t as nice as this new shiny one. This often happened to Phil, he would wonder the house and be amazed by something then realise in an instant that he had used and had the object for ... well ever.
He glanced at the clock, it was 6.47 AM, he remembered what happened everyday at 6.47 AM, so he did his usual routine and watched the morning grass in his garden, which was sparkling with the morning dew. The same bird that had arrived for months now at this exact time went to the same spot he always went too to eat the worm he always ate. The bird would wonder around and find his usual patch dip his beak through the grass and pinch a worm. He had always succeeded and Phil knew deep down that today would be no exception. So as he watched the bird scuttle to his usual patch, he hoped that today he wouldn’t find a worm and today would be different... So as the Bird stuck his head in the grass, and the build up got unbearable, the bird pecked and brought out...
Nothing. Phil was ecstatic, the bird hadn’t got the worm, the spell of routine had been broken, but with this moment of happiness, he had a realisation, perhaps he could be this independent. Perhaps he didn’t have to follow routine like a rope was dragging him by some unknown.
This split second of ecstasy and independency had brought life to Phil. He decided that today was going to be a big change day. He was going to get his mail as he always did at this time but instead of venturing back inside his house, like he always would, he would go for a stroll in the park.
With this sudden spark of urgency and adventurousness, he walked casually to collect his mail. He picked it up as always and was about to wonder into his house when he remembered his plan.
He turned slowly towards the park and started walking towards the end of his pathway struggling with a willingness to turn back. The same sharp feeling that stabbed him in the dream was coming back... but Phil struggled valiantly and kept moving. The mail fell out of his hand and made a crash and disappeared into nothing. Everything in his body was compelling him back towards his house but Phil’s one second of independency a few minutes earlier was driving him forward.
Phil was pushing with every muscle against him but he was winning. Then, as soon as he won his independence, it was taken away with a deafening silence and a terrifying blue screen.
Leslie kicked his computer in disgust.
“What the Hell! A System Error!” he said angrily. “I hadn’t saved for ages”
He had had the same dream he had been having for the last forever.
He was dreaming that he was locked in a cage, an invisible cage but one nonetheless where every time he got to the boundary of his confinements, he could go no further. Something inside him compelled him to stay within the boundaries and never to venture out.
He was as unsure as ever as why he had this dream and why he was so petrified of it but never mind that, it was 6.13 AM and it was time for his daily routine. This routine consisted of a quick shower, watching TV until the mailman delivered the mail and playing pool. This was then rounded off by his search for a job. He had been searching for eternity for a job that suited him and showed off his credentials but unfortunately had yet to find one. As soon as Phil had started looking, he had finished and decided to grab a bite to eat.
He wondered into the kitchen and was taken back by his new fridge, he couldn’t remember buying it but it was there... He suddenly realised that it had been there for months and he had actually bought it because the old one wasn’t as nice as this new shiny one. This often happened to Phil, he would wonder the house and be amazed by something then realise in an instant that he had used and had the object for ... well ever.
He glanced at the clock, it was 6.47 AM, he remembered what happened everyday at 6.47 AM, so he did his usual routine and watched the morning grass in his garden, which was sparkling with the morning dew. The same bird that had arrived for months now at this exact time went to the same spot he always went too to eat the worm he always ate. The bird would wonder around and find his usual patch dip his beak through the grass and pinch a worm. He had always succeeded and Phil knew deep down that today would be no exception. So as he watched the bird scuttle to his usual patch, he hoped that today he wouldn’t find a worm and today would be different... So as the Bird stuck his head in the grass, and the build up got unbearable, the bird pecked and brought out...
Nothing. Phil was ecstatic, the bird hadn’t got the worm, the spell of routine had been broken, but with this moment of happiness, he had a realisation, perhaps he could be this independent. Perhaps he didn’t have to follow routine like a rope was dragging him by some unknown.
This split second of ecstasy and independency had brought life to Phil. He decided that today was going to be a big change day. He was going to get his mail as he always did at this time but instead of venturing back inside his house, like he always would, he would go for a stroll in the park.
With this sudden spark of urgency and adventurousness, he walked casually to collect his mail. He picked it up as always and was about to wonder into his house when he remembered his plan.
He turned slowly towards the park and started walking towards the end of his pathway struggling with a willingness to turn back. The same sharp feeling that stabbed him in the dream was coming back... but Phil struggled valiantly and kept moving. The mail fell out of his hand and made a crash and disappeared into nothing. Everything in his body was compelling him back towards his house but Phil’s one second of independency a few minutes earlier was driving him forward.
Phil was pushing with every muscle against him but he was winning. Then, as soon as he won his independence, it was taken away with a deafening silence and a terrifying blue screen.
Leslie kicked his computer in disgust.
“What the Hell! A System Error!” he said angrily. “I hadn’t saved for ages”
Phil awoke sharply at 6.13 AM in a cold sweat...
He had had the same dream he had been having for the last forever.
He was dreaming that he was locked in a cage, an invisible cage but one nonetheless where every time he got to the boundary of his confinements, he could go no further. Something inside him compelled him to stay within the boundaries and never to venture out.
He was as unsure as ever as why he had this dream and why he was so petrified of it but never mind that, it was 6.13 AM and it was time for his daily routine. This routine consisted of a quick shower, watching TV until the mailman delivered the mail and playing pool. This was then rounded off by his search for a job. He had been searching for eternity for a job that suited him and showed off his credentials but unfortunately had yet to find one. As soon as Phil had started looking, he had finished and decided to grab a bite to eat.
He wondered into the kitchen and was taken back by his new fridge, he couldn’t remember buying it but it was there... He suddenly realised that it had been there for months and he had actually bought it because the old one wasn’t as nice as this new shiny one. This often happened to Phil, he would wonder the house and be amazed by something then realise in an instant that he had used and had the object for ... well ever.
He glanced at the clock, it was 6.47 AM, he remembered what happened everyday at 6.47 AM, so he did his usual routine and watched the morning grass in his garden, which was sparkling with the morning dew. The same bird that had arrived for months now at this exact time went to the same spot he always went too to eat the worm he always ate. The bird would wonder around and find his usual patch dip his beak through the grass and pinch a worm. He had always succeeded and Phil knew deep down that today would be no exception. So as he watched the bird scuttle to his usual patch, he hoped that today he wouldn’t find a worm and today would be different... So as the Bird stuck his head in the grass, and the build up got unbearable, the bird pecked and brought out...
Nothing. Phil was ecstatic, the bird hadn’t got the worm, the spell of routine had been broken, but with this moment of happiness, he had a realisation, perhaps he could be this independent. Perhaps he didn’t have to follow routine like a rope was dragging him by some unknown.
This split second of ecstasy and independency had brought life to Phil. He decided that today was going to be a big change day. He was going to get his mail as he always did at this time but instead of venturing back inside his house, like he always would, he would go for a stroll in the park.
With this sudden spark of urgency and adventurousness, he walked casually to collect his mail. He picked it up as always and was about to wonder into his house when he remembered his plan.
He turned slowly towards the park and started walking towards the end of his pathway struggling with a willingness to turn back. The same sharp feeling that stabbed him in the dream was coming back... but Phil struggled valiantly and kept moving. The mail fell out of his hand and made a crash and disappeared into nothing. Everything in his body was compelling him back towards his house but Phil’s one second of independency a few minutes earlier was driving him forward.
Phil was pushing with every muscle against him but he was winning. Then, as soon as he won his independence, it was taken away with a deafening silence and a terrifying blue screen.
Leslie kicked his computer in disgust.
“What the Hell! A System Error!” he said angrily. “I hadn’t saved for ages”
He had had the same dream he had been having for the last forever.
He was dreaming that he was locked in a cage, an invisible cage but one nonetheless where every time he got to the boundary of his confinements, he could go no further. Something inside him compelled him to stay within the boundaries and never to venture out.
He was as unsure as ever as why he had this dream and why he was so petrified of it but never mind that, it was 6.13 AM and it was time for his daily routine. This routine consisted of a quick shower, watching TV until the mailman delivered the mail and playing pool. This was then rounded off by his search for a job. He had been searching for eternity for a job that suited him and showed off his credentials but unfortunately had yet to find one. As soon as Phil had started looking, he had finished and decided to grab a bite to eat.
He wondered into the kitchen and was taken back by his new fridge, he couldn’t remember buying it but it was there... He suddenly realised that it had been there for months and he had actually bought it because the old one wasn’t as nice as this new shiny one. This often happened to Phil, he would wonder the house and be amazed by something then realise in an instant that he had used and had the object for ... well ever.
He glanced at the clock, it was 6.47 AM, he remembered what happened everyday at 6.47 AM, so he did his usual routine and watched the morning grass in his garden, which was sparkling with the morning dew. The same bird that had arrived for months now at this exact time went to the same spot he always went too to eat the worm he always ate. The bird would wonder around and find his usual patch dip his beak through the grass and pinch a worm. He had always succeeded and Phil knew deep down that today would be no exception. So as he watched the bird scuttle to his usual patch, he hoped that today he wouldn’t find a worm and today would be different... So as the Bird stuck his head in the grass, and the build up got unbearable, the bird pecked and brought out...
Nothing. Phil was ecstatic, the bird hadn’t got the worm, the spell of routine had been broken, but with this moment of happiness, he had a realisation, perhaps he could be this independent. Perhaps he didn’t have to follow routine like a rope was dragging him by some unknown.
This split second of ecstasy and independency had brought life to Phil. He decided that today was going to be a big change day. He was going to get his mail as he always did at this time but instead of venturing back inside his house, like he always would, he would go for a stroll in the park.
With this sudden spark of urgency and adventurousness, he walked casually to collect his mail. He picked it up as always and was about to wonder into his house when he remembered his plan.
He turned slowly towards the park and started walking towards the end of his pathway struggling with a willingness to turn back. The same sharp feeling that stabbed him in the dream was coming back... but Phil struggled valiantly and kept moving. The mail fell out of his hand and made a crash and disappeared into nothing. Everything in his body was compelling him back towards his house but Phil’s one second of independency a few minutes earlier was driving him forward.
Phil was pushing with every muscle against him but he was winning. Then, as soon as he won his independence, it was taken away with a deafening silence and a terrifying blue screen.
Leslie kicked his computer in disgust.
“What the Hell! A System Error!” he said angrily. “I hadn’t saved for ages”
My first attempt at a story, hope it isn't too awful.
There are some nice ideas in that, but don't ever feel you need to liven up an everyday story with a twist or whatnot. A story about a man overcoming the trivialities of everyday life and breaking free from routine would have been much more interesting than someone playing The Sims.
In this case however, I suppose the fact that he was trapped in the game was essentially the pivotal element in the story, and so it was nice when the twist came, and the prior events in the story fitted neatly into place.
On a more critical note, your lack of story writing experience does show through in your vocabulary, spelling, grammar and sentence structure. If possible, think a little more about the function of each paragraph and how you want to phrase it. Think from a reader's point of view.
Don't be too disheartened by all that. With stories, the more of them you do and the more books you read, the better you'll become at writing them. So write some more :-)
In this case however, I suppose the fact that he was trapped in the game was essentially the pivotal element in the story, and so it was nice when the twist came, and the prior events in the story fitted neatly into place.
On a more critical note, your lack of story writing experience does show through in your vocabulary, spelling, grammar and sentence structure. If possible, think a little more about the function of each paragraph and how you want to phrase it. Think from a reader's point of view.
Don't be too disheartened by all that. With stories, the more of them you do and the more books you read, the better you'll become at writing them. So write some more :-)
I want constructive criticism.
Thanks Mav.
Thanks Mav.
Seemed constructive to me.
Hence why he thanked him.
I shall read this...very soon.
I shall read this...very soon.
It was fairly good for a first try. The twist was neat, if a little outrageous, the build-up logical, and inspired some thought amongst me at least. But as Mav pointed out your grasp of writing needs work.
For instance, you use "He" and "The bird" a lot in specific areas, when the reader would know what you were talking about anyway. Just a little sentence turn around can make worlds of difference. Example:
“So as he watched the bird scuttle to his usual patch, he hoped that today he wouldn’t find a worm and today would be different... So as the Bird stuck his head in the grass, and the build up got unbearable, the bird pecked and brought out...”
becomes
“He watched the bird scuttle it’s usual path, hoping that today it wouldn’t find a worm, breaking his unchanging customs. The little bird, now hobbling across the mown lawn, stuck his head into the grass, pecked with all his might, and emerged with…”
This second sentence uses two less of “the bird”, two less of “So as”, and two less of a couple of other words you use to make the sentence continue. I think by comparison the second flows a lot more. Also, you shouldn’t include, “the build up got unbearable” during the story; find a way to make it SOUND unbearable.
But this detracted only from a story with great ideas and a nice twist. If you can change your sentence structure with this, it’ll be a much more gripping piece. The only way to improve your writing skills, however, is to read other peoples work.
For instance, you use "He" and "The bird" a lot in specific areas, when the reader would know what you were talking about anyway. Just a little sentence turn around can make worlds of difference. Example:
“So as he watched the bird scuttle to his usual patch, he hoped that today he wouldn’t find a worm and today would be different... So as the Bird stuck his head in the grass, and the build up got unbearable, the bird pecked and brought out...”
becomes
“He watched the bird scuttle it’s usual path, hoping that today it wouldn’t find a worm, breaking his unchanging customs. The little bird, now hobbling across the mown lawn, stuck his head into the grass, pecked with all his might, and emerged with…”
This second sentence uses two less of “the bird”, two less of “So as”, and two less of a couple of other words you use to make the sentence continue. I think by comparison the second flows a lot more. Also, you shouldn’t include, “the build up got unbearable” during the story; find a way to make it SOUND unbearable.
But this detracted only from a story with great ideas and a nice twist. If you can change your sentence structure with this, it’ll be a much more gripping piece. The only way to improve your writing skills, however, is to read other peoples work.
Thanks Ashman.
Thanks Ashman.
Thanks Assman.