The "Freeola Customer Forum" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
Drive-thru to the forums
Hello, this is the place they call 'ukchatforums.com'. Welcome. Take a seat. Settle yourself. Get comfortable. Have a rich tea, or a garibaldi if you must. But the bourbons are mine. Ready? Remember not to lose interest during the drive-thru, as I anticipate taking up to five minutes to prepare this and do not want my time wasted. So. Onward we go.
Our first port of call is the General Chat forum. Now, with a name like "General Chat" you may be thinking that this is a sub-forum dedicated to a member of the military. If you are thinking that, this is definitely the forum for you. But also, you are wrong. You see, General Chat is a place where people go to chat generally. There's a slight clue in the name, I'm sure the more intelligent amongst you spotted it. It's a place where you will find all kinds of topics, from people's hairstyles (long is best) to member size (long is best). Feel free to post just about anything, no matter how insignificant, personal, or stupid, as this is what everybody else does. No porn links though.
Secondly we find the Life and Everything forum. This is real high brow stuff (supposedly). Weighty subject matter goes in here. You can give your views on political events, debate the current issues of society and speak your mind on what matters to you. In theory. In practice there is quite a lot of arguing, really, although from time to time we do get actual debates showing themselves and it's quite nice. Feel free to post, although remember to back yourself up with evidence if you want to make claims that aren't obvious (one of our forum regulars, Light, killed three newbies last year with the sheer voracity of his arguments). Alternatively, you can post a heartfelt goth poem, or a short story in one of the endless competitions (seriously, there are about a million, and that's not even an exaggeration).
Next up is the Movies, Music, TV forum. This used to be Movies, Music, TV and Books, but they split due to musical, film, written and televisual differences last year. Everyone rejoiced when they reformed, however Books was tragically killed in a boating accident just two short months before the regroup. But don’t get yourself down, this is still a place where you can chat your ass off about American Pie 8, Little Britain (“Yeah but no but yeah but PLEASE be quiet your quotes annoy me) and Evanescence albums. In fact, I’m sure they wouldn’t really mind if you had a quick natter about your favourite reads as well – Trotsky, no doubt. I say “Trotsky,” obviously I mean “Chuck Palahniuk.”
Moving on, we stumble across the Nintendo forum. Brace yourself. “Oh no, here comes a stereotypical rant on how Nintendo forumgoers are young, illiterate fanboys who will brown nose their favourite company in vain and are separated from all powers of logic,” you’re thinking. In which case, I’ll spare you the details. But there is good stuff to be found here. Yes, some of this forum’s patrons will love anything and everything Nintendo, and will argue this to the death (/bedtime), but there are conversations to be had on an intelligent level with intelligent users. I just can’t remember any of them off hand.
Now, if online gaming is your thing, then you may wish to travel to the PC Gaming area. If you love Counterstrike, come on down! If the Sims is your bag, just mosey on over! Operation Flashpoint? Roll on in! Microsoft Train Simulator? GET OUT!
The next forum is fun, fun, fun. It’s called Site Bugs and Customer Service, and it’s basically your chance to speak your brains to staff members about anything Special Reserve-related. If your item hasn’t been despatched within five minutes of ordering, this is where you shout at the incompetent dogsbodies responsible. What? You haven’t won Gameaday? Then it is your right to shout at the staff – you deserved to win! But it’s not all there for your own amusement/laziness, this is where you put all those boring things as well, such as “I bought a keyboard from you and it isn’t working????” “Why aren’t I a regular yet????” and “Help I am being bullied on the forums.” Basically, anything to direct at the staff, shove it in here.
Onto the Sony – PS1 and PS2 forum. Similar to the Nintendo forum in that it has a mix of average and below average posters. Just kidding. However this forum does seem to have peaked. Gone are the glory days, when it throve like a right old thriver. A hive of activity. Now there isn’t too much going on, although still the best place to go to talk all things PS2, and you will get some decent responses to any message you leave (within reason). Note, as this forum is called Sony – PS1 and PS2, all other Sony chat STRICTLY PROHIBITED.
Hmm, is that the smell of big, butch, men, sweating pure testosterone, whipping each other with wet towels in the changing rooms, having naked showers together and slapping each other on the butt, saying “Nice job back there, buddy”? Yes, I believe it is, as we’ve come to the Sport forum. If you like football, CLICK SPORT! If you like rugby, CLICK SPORT! Tennis, hockey, volleyball, CLICK SPORT! La Crosse, steeplejack, synchronised diving, CLICK SPORT! Archery, Greco-Roman wrestling, dwarf throwing, CLICK SPORT! Every sport is discus-sed in here (See that? See how clever that was? No, I’ve never been in this forum).
Now we come to the Web Design & PC forum. There is an easy test to see if this is the place for you. The following are two posts made in a thread entitled “Your System Specs,” the former made by a regular known as Alastair, the latter made by myself:
1. Philips 17" LCD/TFT TV
Red Ferrari Enzo Case
520 watt Q-TEC PSU
ABIT AV8 Deluxe (939)
Athlon 64 FX53 (939)
2GB Corsair XMS3200 PRO in Dual Channel
2 X 36.6GB Western Digital 10,000 RPM in Raid 0
DVD/RW 52x
DVD 48x
X800 XT Platinum Edition clocked at 620 – 600
2. 1 x Personal Computer
Which of these do you prefer? Alastair’s? Then click through to Web Design & PC. Mine? Steer clear.
But if designing webs isn’t your thing, maybe you prefer men in spandex hurling each other around a greasy ring. I know I do. And if you’re honest, you do too. Come on, let’s both visit the WWE forum together. We can write fiction involving regular forum members grappling with each other and performing their speciality moves. We can talk of upcoming storylines and how much of a git that Mr McMahon is. And if anyone says it’s all fixed, they’re a liar.
Moving away from the fake tanned, chair smashing areas of the site, we come to the Xbox and Windows area. This is the place, where, surprisingly, people go to chit, and indeed chat, about Xboxes, windows…and things of that nature. Xbox LIVE seems to have a large forum following, so why not pop over, list your “gamertag” in one of the dedicated threads, and play against your forum friends online? Go on, you deserve it.
What’s this floating along the tunnel towards us? Yes, you guessed it, it’s FOG Prime. What? You didn’t guess it? Well, I’m not particularly bothered to be honest. This is The Future Of Gaming prime forum. It’s where you talk about games in more general terms, aside from the console specific forums. How games have changed over the years, what you expect new developments will bring to the industry, your favourite games of all time – all of these subjects are welcome here. Think of this as the “Life and Everything” forum – but about games.
In contrast to the last forum, the next item on the agenda is more like the “General Chat” of the gaming world. It’s called FOG Chat. This used to be the place to talk about random nonsense, but then we got a real place for that with an appropriate name, and so now this where you talk games in a more relaxed atmosphere. Less heavyweight issues in here, less intellectual subjects. As a general rule of thumb, if it doesn’t seem to fit in any of the other gaming forums, it goes in here. But don’t blame me if it doesn’t.
Hmm, what’s next? Ah, the Classic Games forum. Is it a game? Is it a classic? Then talk about it in here, moron!
Forum Patrons
There are numerous types of users aboard the ukchatforums ferry, and this is my chance to tell you how rubbish they all are. Only kidding, I like three of them.
Newbies – these members usually have not been here long and have not made too many posts. Their usernames are coloured in a lovely deep red, like a fine wine.
In theory they are – new, fresh faces with ambition, drive, the will to succeed and a desire to impress, who should be treated with all the care of a new puppy.
In practice they are – impudent upstarts who take more than their share of abuse.*
Also, there is a “Just Arrived Today” (or JAT) status for users who have been registered less than 24 hours. These users have a bright red colour, so people can see them coming and prepare to give them a good kicking.*
Regulars – the average forum member. Most people you come across will be regulars. To become a regular you must have been here a certain amount of time and posted a certain amount of messages, but be warned: people will not take kindly to spamming in order to get your status changed. Regulars are purple in colour, due to a fetish on the part of a founding webmaster.
In theory – good, solid posters who can be trusted to submit worthwhile contributions to the site. They know the boundaries, and generally make ukchatforums a nicer place to visit.
In practice – annoying spamheads who will pester staff about why they haven’t won Gameaday or why they’ve been warned, and will start a whole new topic about “help wiv lvl 3 of harry potter.”*
Notables – one lucky regular gets to metamorphose into a notable in the quarterly elections. All regulars vote for their favourite member (easy now) and whoever comes out on top (steady) is given the ‘golden shower’ and revered as a god amongst men. A quick browse of the forum will reveal many references to the fact that the colour of the notables looks less like the golden aura it was designed to resemble and more like the colour of wee wee. But this is the internet we’re talking about.
In theory – watch out when these guys are about, everything they say is sheer genius. A wonder to behold. They are the forum forefathers.
In practice – “What? HIM!? Pfffft.”*
Staff Regulars – these old fools have hopped on the SR gravy train – yes, they actually work for Special Reserve! They have a nice turquoise colour, and are payed for the privilege. Hop along to the Customer Services forum to hurl abuse or praise at them.
In theory – helpful old souls who will bend over backwards to give you a hand with any query. They are only too grateful when you point out that you haven’t won Gameaday despite entering fifteen hundred reviews an hour.
In practice – like everyone else, they really don’t care if you’ve posted 2 more messages than required but still haven’t got your ‘regular’ status.*
NEW!! Staff now available in brand new “newbie” flavour. These are recently recruited staff, still learning the ropes, and will take more cack before shouting. Spot ‘em by the bright green name colour and give ‘em hell.
*Note, may be a SLIGHT exaggeration.
Well, it looks like we've come to the end of our excursion. I'm so sorry for keeping you. Hope you enjoyed the trawl through the wonderful world of the Special Reserve forums, please return any uneaten biscuits.
Blank
Hello, this is the place they call 'ukchatforums.com'. Welcome. Take a seat. Settle yourself. Get comfortable. Have a rich tea, or a garibaldi if you must. But the bourbons are mine. Ready? Remember not to lose interest during the drive-thru, as I anticipate taking up to five minutes to prepare this and do not want my time wasted. So. Onward we go.
Our first port of call is the General Chat forum. Now, with a name like "General Chat" you may be thinking that this is a sub-forum dedicated to a member of the military. If you are thinking that, this is definitely the forum for you. But also, you are wrong. You see, General Chat is a place where people go to chat generally. There's a slight clue in the name, I'm sure the more intelligent amongst you spotted it. It's a place where you will find all kinds of topics, from people's hairstyles (long is best) to member size (long is best). Feel free to post just about anything, no matter how insignificant, personal, or stupid, as this is what everybody else does. No porn links though.
Secondly we find the Life and Everything forum. This is real high brow stuff (supposedly). Weighty subject matter goes in here. You can give your views on political events, debate the current issues of society and speak your mind on what matters to you. In theory. In practice there is quite a lot of arguing, really, although from time to time we do get actual debates showing themselves and it's quite nice. Feel free to post, although remember to back yourself up with evidence if you want to make claims that aren't obvious (one of our forum regulars, Light, killed three newbies last year with the sheer voracity of his arguments). Alternatively, you can post a heartfelt goth poem, or a short story in one of the endless competitions (seriously, there are about a million, and that's not even an exaggeration).
Next up is the Movies, Music, TV forum. This used to be Movies, Music, TV and Books, but they split due to musical, film, written and televisual differences last year. Everyone rejoiced when they reformed, however Books was tragically killed in a boating accident just two short months before the regroup. But don’t get yourself down, this is still a place where you can chat your ass off about American Pie 8, Little Britain (“Yeah but no but yeah but PLEASE be quiet your quotes annoy me) and Evanescence albums. In fact, I’m sure they wouldn’t really mind if you had a quick natter about your favourite reads as well – Trotsky, no doubt. I say “Trotsky,” obviously I mean “Chuck Palahniuk.”
Moving on, we stumble across the Nintendo forum. Brace yourself. “Oh no, here comes a stereotypical rant on how Nintendo forumgoers are young, illiterate fanboys who will brown nose their favourite company in vain and are separated from all powers of logic,” you’re thinking. In which case, I’ll spare you the details. But there is good stuff to be found here. Yes, some of this forum’s patrons will love anything and everything Nintendo, and will argue this to the death (/bedtime), but there are conversations to be had on an intelligent level with intelligent users. I just can’t remember any of them off hand.
Now, if online gaming is your thing, then you may wish to travel to the PC Gaming area. If you love Counterstrike, come on down! If the Sims is your bag, just mosey on over! Operation Flashpoint? Roll on in! Microsoft Train Simulator? GET OUT!
The next forum is fun, fun, fun. It’s called Site Bugs and Customer Service, and it’s basically your chance to speak your brains to staff members about anything Special Reserve-related. If your item hasn’t been despatched within five minutes of ordering, this is where you shout at the incompetent dogsbodies responsible. What? You haven’t won Gameaday? Then it is your right to shout at the staff – you deserved to win! But it’s not all there for your own amusement/laziness, this is where you put all those boring things as well, such as “I bought a keyboard from you and it isn’t working????” “Why aren’t I a regular yet????” and “Help I am being bullied on the forums.” Basically, anything to direct at the staff, shove it in here.
Onto the Sony – PS1 and PS2 forum. Similar to the Nintendo forum in that it has a mix of average and below average posters. Just kidding. However this forum does seem to have peaked. Gone are the glory days, when it throve like a right old thriver. A hive of activity. Now there isn’t too much going on, although still the best place to go to talk all things PS2, and you will get some decent responses to any message you leave (within reason). Note, as this forum is called Sony – PS1 and PS2, all other Sony chat STRICTLY PROHIBITED.
Hmm, is that the smell of big, butch, men, sweating pure testosterone, whipping each other with wet towels in the changing rooms, having naked showers together and slapping each other on the butt, saying “Nice job back there, buddy”? Yes, I believe it is, as we’ve come to the Sport forum. If you like football, CLICK SPORT! If you like rugby, CLICK SPORT! Tennis, hockey, volleyball, CLICK SPORT! La Crosse, steeplejack, synchronised diving, CLICK SPORT! Archery, Greco-Roman wrestling, dwarf throwing, CLICK SPORT! Every sport is discus-sed in here (See that? See how clever that was? No, I’ve never been in this forum).
Now we come to the Web Design & PC forum. There is an easy test to see if this is the place for you. The following are two posts made in a thread entitled “Your System Specs,” the former made by a regular known as Alastair, the latter made by myself:
1. Philips 17" LCD/TFT TV
Red Ferrari Enzo Case
520 watt Q-TEC PSU
ABIT AV8 Deluxe (939)
Athlon 64 FX53 (939)
2GB Corsair XMS3200 PRO in Dual Channel
2 X 36.6GB Western Digital 10,000 RPM in Raid 0
DVD/RW 52x
DVD 48x
X800 XT Platinum Edition clocked at 620 – 600
2. 1 x Personal Computer
Which of these do you prefer? Alastair’s? Then click through to Web Design & PC. Mine? Steer clear.
But if designing webs isn’t your thing, maybe you prefer men in spandex hurling each other around a greasy ring. I know I do. And if you’re honest, you do too. Come on, let’s both visit the WWE forum together. We can write fiction involving regular forum members grappling with each other and performing their speciality moves. We can talk of upcoming storylines and how much of a git that Mr McMahon is. And if anyone says it’s all fixed, they’re a liar.
Moving away from the fake tanned, chair smashing areas of the site, we come to the Xbox and Windows area. This is the place, where, surprisingly, people go to chit, and indeed chat, about Xboxes, windows…and things of that nature. Xbox LIVE seems to have a large forum following, so why not pop over, list your “gamertag” in one of the dedicated threads, and play against your forum friends online? Go on, you deserve it.
What’s this floating along the tunnel towards us? Yes, you guessed it, it’s FOG Prime. What? You didn’t guess it? Well, I’m not particularly bothered to be honest. This is The Future Of Gaming prime forum. It’s where you talk about games in more general terms, aside from the console specific forums. How games have changed over the years, what you expect new developments will bring to the industry, your favourite games of all time – all of these subjects are welcome here. Think of this as the “Life and Everything” forum – but about games.
In contrast to the last forum, the next item on the agenda is more like the “General Chat” of the gaming world. It’s called FOG Chat. This used to be the place to talk about random nonsense, but then we got a real place for that with an appropriate name, and so now this where you talk games in a more relaxed atmosphere. Less heavyweight issues in here, less intellectual subjects. As a general rule of thumb, if it doesn’t seem to fit in any of the other gaming forums, it goes in here. But don’t blame me if it doesn’t.
Hmm, what’s next? Ah, the Classic Games forum. Is it a game? Is it a classic? Then talk about it in here, moron!
Forum Patrons
There are numerous types of users aboard the ukchatforums ferry, and this is my chance to tell you how rubbish they all are. Only kidding, I like three of them.
Newbies – these members usually have not been here long and have not made too many posts. Their usernames are coloured in a lovely deep red, like a fine wine.
In theory they are – new, fresh faces with ambition, drive, the will to succeed and a desire to impress, who should be treated with all the care of a new puppy.
In practice they are – impudent upstarts who take more than their share of abuse.*
Also, there is a “Just Arrived Today” (or JAT) status for users who have been registered less than 24 hours. These users have a bright red colour, so people can see them coming and prepare to give them a good kicking.*
Regulars – the average forum member. Most people you come across will be regulars. To become a regular you must have been here a certain amount of time and posted a certain amount of messages, but be warned: people will not take kindly to spamming in order to get your status changed. Regulars are purple in colour, due to a fetish on the part of a founding webmaster.
In theory – good, solid posters who can be trusted to submit worthwhile contributions to the site. They know the boundaries, and generally make ukchatforums a nicer place to visit.
In practice – annoying spamheads who will pester staff about why they haven’t won Gameaday or why they’ve been warned, and will start a whole new topic about “help wiv lvl 3 of harry potter.”*
Notables – one lucky regular gets to metamorphose into a notable in the quarterly elections. All regulars vote for their favourite member (easy now) and whoever comes out on top (steady) is given the ‘golden shower’ and revered as a god amongst men. A quick browse of the forum will reveal many references to the fact that the colour of the notables looks less like the golden aura it was designed to resemble and more like the colour of wee wee. But this is the internet we’re talking about.
In theory – watch out when these guys are about, everything they say is sheer genius. A wonder to behold. They are the forum forefathers.
In practice – “What? HIM!? Pfffft.”*
Staff Regulars – these old fools have hopped on the SR gravy train – yes, they actually work for Special Reserve! They have a nice turquoise colour, and are payed for the privilege. Hop along to the Customer Services forum to hurl abuse or praise at them.
In theory – helpful old souls who will bend over backwards to give you a hand with any query. They are only too grateful when you point out that you haven’t won Gameaday despite entering fifteen hundred reviews an hour.
In practice – like everyone else, they really don’t care if you’ve posted 2 more messages than required but still haven’t got your ‘regular’ status.*
NEW!! Staff now available in brand new “newbie” flavour. These are recently recruited staff, still learning the ropes, and will take more cack before shouting. Spot ‘em by the bright green name colour and give ‘em hell.
*Note, may be a SLIGHT exaggeration.
Well, it looks like we've come to the end of our excursion. I'm so sorry for keeping you. Hope you enjoyed the trawl through the wonderful world of the Special Reserve forums, please return any uneaten biscuits.
Blank
There have been no replies to this thread yet.
Drive-thru to the forums
Hello, this is the place they call 'ukchatforums.com'. Welcome. Take a seat. Settle yourself. Get comfortable. Have a rich tea, or a garibaldi if you must. But the bourbons are mine. Ready? Remember not to lose interest during the drive-thru, as I anticipate taking up to five minutes to prepare this and do not want my time wasted. So. Onward we go.
Our first port of call is the General Chat forum. Now, with a name like "General Chat" you may be thinking that this is a sub-forum dedicated to a member of the military. If you are thinking that, this is definitely the forum for you. But also, you are wrong. You see, General Chat is a place where people go to chat generally. There's a slight clue in the name, I'm sure the more intelligent amongst you spotted it. It's a place where you will find all kinds of topics, from people's hairstyles (long is best) to member size (long is best). Feel free to post just about anything, no matter how insignificant, personal, or stupid, as this is what everybody else does. No porn links though.
Secondly we find the Life and Everything forum. This is real high brow stuff (supposedly). Weighty subject matter goes in here. You can give your views on political events, debate the current issues of society and speak your mind on what matters to you. In theory. In practice there is quite a lot of arguing, really, although from time to time we do get actual debates showing themselves and it's quite nice. Feel free to post, although remember to back yourself up with evidence if you want to make claims that aren't obvious (one of our forum regulars, Light, killed three newbies last year with the sheer voracity of his arguments). Alternatively, you can post a heartfelt goth poem, or a short story in one of the endless competitions (seriously, there are about a million, and that's not even an exaggeration).
Next up is the Movies, Music, TV forum. This used to be Movies, Music, TV and Books, but they split due to musical, film, written and televisual differences last year. Everyone rejoiced when they reformed, however Books was tragically killed in a boating accident just two short months before the regroup. But don’t get yourself down, this is still a place where you can chat your ass off about American Pie 8, Little Britain (“Yeah but no but yeah but PLEASE be quiet your quotes annoy me) and Evanescence albums. In fact, I’m sure they wouldn’t really mind if you had a quick natter about your favourite reads as well – Trotsky, no doubt. I say “Trotsky,” obviously I mean “Chuck Palahniuk.”
Moving on, we stumble across the Nintendo forum. Brace yourself. “Oh no, here comes a stereotypical rant on how Nintendo forumgoers are young, illiterate fanboys who will brown nose their favourite company in vain and are separated from all powers of logic,” you’re thinking. In which case, I’ll spare you the details. But there is good stuff to be found here. Yes, some of this forum’s patrons will love anything and everything Nintendo, and will argue this to the death (/bedtime), but there are conversations to be had on an intelligent level with intelligent users. I just can’t remember any of them off hand.
Now, if online gaming is your thing, then you may wish to travel to the PC Gaming area. If you love Counterstrike, come on down! If the Sims is your bag, just mosey on over! Operation Flashpoint? Roll on in! Microsoft Train Simulator? GET OUT!
The next forum is fun, fun, fun. It’s called Site Bugs and Customer Service, and it’s basically your chance to speak your brains to staff members about anything Special Reserve-related. If your item hasn’t been despatched within five minutes of ordering, this is where you shout at the incompetent dogsbodies responsible. What? You haven’t won Gameaday? Then it is your right to shout at the staff – you deserved to win! But it’s not all there for your own amusement/laziness, this is where you put all those boring things as well, such as “I bought a keyboard from you and it isn’t working????” “Why aren’t I a regular yet????” and “Help I am being bullied on the forums.” Basically, anything to direct at the staff, shove it in here.
Onto the Sony – PS1 and PS2 forum. Similar to the Nintendo forum in that it has a mix of average and below average posters. Just kidding. However this forum does seem to have peaked. Gone are the glory days, when it throve like a right old thriver. A hive of activity. Now there isn’t too much going on, although still the best place to go to talk all things PS2, and you will get some decent responses to any message you leave (within reason). Note, as this forum is called Sony – PS1 and PS2, all other Sony chat STRICTLY PROHIBITED.
Hmm, is that the smell of big, butch, men, sweating pure testosterone, whipping each other with wet towels in the changing rooms, having naked showers together and slapping each other on the butt, saying “Nice job back there, buddy”? Yes, I believe it is, as we’ve come to the Sport forum. If you like football, CLICK SPORT! If you like rugby, CLICK SPORT! Tennis, hockey, volleyball, CLICK SPORT! La Crosse, steeplejack, synchronised diving, CLICK SPORT! Archery, Greco-Roman wrestling, dwarf throwing, CLICK SPORT! Every sport is discus-sed in here (See that? See how clever that was? No, I’ve never been in this forum).
Now we come to the Web Design & PC forum. There is an easy test to see if this is the place for you. The following are two posts made in a thread entitled “Your System Specs,” the former made by a regular known as Alastair, the latter made by myself:
1. Philips 17" LCD/TFT TV
Red Ferrari Enzo Case
520 watt Q-TEC PSU
ABIT AV8 Deluxe (939)
Athlon 64 FX53 (939)
2GB Corsair XMS3200 PRO in Dual Channel
2 X 36.6GB Western Digital 10,000 RPM in Raid 0
DVD/RW 52x
DVD 48x
X800 XT Platinum Edition clocked at 620 – 600
2. 1 x Personal Computer
Which of these do you prefer? Alastair’s? Then click through to Web Design & PC. Mine? Steer clear.
But if designing webs isn’t your thing, maybe you prefer men in spandex hurling each other around a greasy ring. I know I do. And if you’re honest, you do too. Come on, let’s both visit the WWE forum together. We can write fiction involving regular forum members grappling with each other and performing their speciality moves. We can talk of upcoming storylines and how much of a git that Mr McMahon is. And if anyone says it’s all fixed, they’re a liar.
Moving away from the fake tanned, chair smashing areas of the site, we come to the Xbox and Windows area. This is the place, where, surprisingly, people go to chit, and indeed chat, about Xboxes, windows…and things of that nature. Xbox LIVE seems to have a large forum following, so why not pop over, list your “gamertag” in one of the dedicated threads, and play against your forum friends online? Go on, you deserve it.
What’s this floating along the tunnel towards us? Yes, you guessed it, it’s FOG Prime. What? You didn’t guess it? Well, I’m not particularly bothered to be honest. This is The Future Of Gaming prime forum. It’s where you talk about games in more general terms, aside from the console specific forums. How games have changed over the years, what you expect new developments will bring to the industry, your favourite games of all time – all of these subjects are welcome here. Think of this as the “Life and Everything” forum – but about games.
In contrast to the last forum, the next item on the agenda is more like the “General Chat” of the gaming world. It’s called FOG Chat. This used to be the place to talk about random nonsense, but then we got a real place for that with an appropriate name, and so now this where you talk games in a more relaxed atmosphere. Less heavyweight issues in here, less intellectual subjects. As a general rule of thumb, if it doesn’t seem to fit in any of the other gaming forums, it goes in here. But don’t blame me if it doesn’t.
Hmm, what’s next? Ah, the Classic Games forum. Is it a game? Is it a classic? Then talk about it in here, moron!
Forum Patrons
There are numerous types of users aboard the ukchatforums ferry, and this is my chance to tell you how rubbish they all are. Only kidding, I like three of them.
Newbies – these members usually have not been here long and have not made too many posts. Their usernames are coloured in a lovely deep red, like a fine wine.
In theory they are – new, fresh faces with ambition, drive, the will to succeed and a desire to impress, who should be treated with all the care of a new puppy.
In practice they are – impudent upstarts who take more than their share of abuse.*
Also, there is a “Just Arrived Today” (or JAT) status for users who have been registered less than 24 hours. These users have a bright red colour, so people can see them coming and prepare to give them a good kicking.*
Regulars – the average forum member. Most people you come across will be regulars. To become a regular you must have been here a certain amount of time and posted a certain amount of messages, but be warned: people will not take kindly to spamming in order to get your status changed. Regulars are purple in colour, due to a fetish on the part of a founding webmaster.
In theory – good, solid posters who can be trusted to submit worthwhile contributions to the site. They know the boundaries, and generally make ukchatforums a nicer place to visit.
In practice – annoying spamheads who will pester staff about why they haven’t won Gameaday or why they’ve been warned, and will start a whole new topic about “help wiv lvl 3 of harry potter.”*
Notables – one lucky regular gets to metamorphose into a notable in the quarterly elections. All regulars vote for their favourite member (easy now) and whoever comes out on top (steady) is given the ‘golden shower’ and revered as a god amongst men. A quick browse of the forum will reveal many references to the fact that the colour of the notables looks less like the golden aura it was designed to resemble and more like the colour of wee wee. But this is the internet we’re talking about.
In theory – watch out when these guys are about, everything they say is sheer genius. A wonder to behold. They are the forum forefathers.
In practice – “What? HIM!? Pfffft.”*
Staff Regulars – these old fools have hopped on the SR gravy train – yes, they actually work for Special Reserve! They have a nice turquoise colour, and are payed for the privilege. Hop along to the Customer Services forum to hurl abuse or praise at them.
In theory – helpful old souls who will bend over backwards to give you a hand with any query. They are only too grateful when you point out that you haven’t won Gameaday despite entering fifteen hundred reviews an hour.
In practice – like everyone else, they really don’t care if you’ve posted 2 more messages than required but still haven’t got your ‘regular’ status.*
NEW!! Staff now available in brand new “newbie” flavour. These are recently recruited staff, still learning the ropes, and will take more cack before shouting. Spot ‘em by the bright green name colour and give ‘em hell.
*Note, may be a SLIGHT exaggeration.
Well, it looks like we've come to the end of our excursion. I'm so sorry for keeping you. Hope you enjoyed the trawl through the wonderful world of the Special Reserve forums, please return any uneaten biscuits.
Blank
Hello, this is the place they call 'ukchatforums.com'. Welcome. Take a seat. Settle yourself. Get comfortable. Have a rich tea, or a garibaldi if you must. But the bourbons are mine. Ready? Remember not to lose interest during the drive-thru, as I anticipate taking up to five minutes to prepare this and do not want my time wasted. So. Onward we go.
Our first port of call is the General Chat forum. Now, with a name like "General Chat" you may be thinking that this is a sub-forum dedicated to a member of the military. If you are thinking that, this is definitely the forum for you. But also, you are wrong. You see, General Chat is a place where people go to chat generally. There's a slight clue in the name, I'm sure the more intelligent amongst you spotted it. It's a place where you will find all kinds of topics, from people's hairstyles (long is best) to member size (long is best). Feel free to post just about anything, no matter how insignificant, personal, or stupid, as this is what everybody else does. No porn links though.
Secondly we find the Life and Everything forum. This is real high brow stuff (supposedly). Weighty subject matter goes in here. You can give your views on political events, debate the current issues of society and speak your mind on what matters to you. In theory. In practice there is quite a lot of arguing, really, although from time to time we do get actual debates showing themselves and it's quite nice. Feel free to post, although remember to back yourself up with evidence if you want to make claims that aren't obvious (one of our forum regulars, Light, killed three newbies last year with the sheer voracity of his arguments). Alternatively, you can post a heartfelt goth poem, or a short story in one of the endless competitions (seriously, there are about a million, and that's not even an exaggeration).
Next up is the Movies, Music, TV forum. This used to be Movies, Music, TV and Books, but they split due to musical, film, written and televisual differences last year. Everyone rejoiced when they reformed, however Books was tragically killed in a boating accident just two short months before the regroup. But don’t get yourself down, this is still a place where you can chat your ass off about American Pie 8, Little Britain (“Yeah but no but yeah but PLEASE be quiet your quotes annoy me) and Evanescence albums. In fact, I’m sure they wouldn’t really mind if you had a quick natter about your favourite reads as well – Trotsky, no doubt. I say “Trotsky,” obviously I mean “Chuck Palahniuk.”
Moving on, we stumble across the Nintendo forum. Brace yourself. “Oh no, here comes a stereotypical rant on how Nintendo forumgoers are young, illiterate fanboys who will brown nose their favourite company in vain and are separated from all powers of logic,” you’re thinking. In which case, I’ll spare you the details. But there is good stuff to be found here. Yes, some of this forum’s patrons will love anything and everything Nintendo, and will argue this to the death (/bedtime), but there are conversations to be had on an intelligent level with intelligent users. I just can’t remember any of them off hand.
Now, if online gaming is your thing, then you may wish to travel to the PC Gaming area. If you love Counterstrike, come on down! If the Sims is your bag, just mosey on over! Operation Flashpoint? Roll on in! Microsoft Train Simulator? GET OUT!
The next forum is fun, fun, fun. It’s called Site Bugs and Customer Service, and it’s basically your chance to speak your brains to staff members about anything Special Reserve-related. If your item hasn’t been despatched within five minutes of ordering, this is where you shout at the incompetent dogsbodies responsible. What? You haven’t won Gameaday? Then it is your right to shout at the staff – you deserved to win! But it’s not all there for your own amusement/laziness, this is where you put all those boring things as well, such as “I bought a keyboard from you and it isn’t working????” “Why aren’t I a regular yet????” and “Help I am being bullied on the forums.” Basically, anything to direct at the staff, shove it in here.
Onto the Sony – PS1 and PS2 forum. Similar to the Nintendo forum in that it has a mix of average and below average posters. Just kidding. However this forum does seem to have peaked. Gone are the glory days, when it throve like a right old thriver. A hive of activity. Now there isn’t too much going on, although still the best place to go to talk all things PS2, and you will get some decent responses to any message you leave (within reason). Note, as this forum is called Sony – PS1 and PS2, all other Sony chat STRICTLY PROHIBITED.
Hmm, is that the smell of big, butch, men, sweating pure testosterone, whipping each other with wet towels in the changing rooms, having naked showers together and slapping each other on the butt, saying “Nice job back there, buddy”? Yes, I believe it is, as we’ve come to the Sport forum. If you like football, CLICK SPORT! If you like rugby, CLICK SPORT! Tennis, hockey, volleyball, CLICK SPORT! La Crosse, steeplejack, synchronised diving, CLICK SPORT! Archery, Greco-Roman wrestling, dwarf throwing, CLICK SPORT! Every sport is discus-sed in here (See that? See how clever that was? No, I’ve never been in this forum).
Now we come to the Web Design & PC forum. There is an easy test to see if this is the place for you. The following are two posts made in a thread entitled “Your System Specs,” the former made by a regular known as Alastair, the latter made by myself:
1. Philips 17" LCD/TFT TV
Red Ferrari Enzo Case
520 watt Q-TEC PSU
ABIT AV8 Deluxe (939)
Athlon 64 FX53 (939)
2GB Corsair XMS3200 PRO in Dual Channel
2 X 36.6GB Western Digital 10,000 RPM in Raid 0
DVD/RW 52x
DVD 48x
X800 XT Platinum Edition clocked at 620 – 600
2. 1 x Personal Computer
Which of these do you prefer? Alastair’s? Then click through to Web Design & PC. Mine? Steer clear.
But if designing webs isn’t your thing, maybe you prefer men in spandex hurling each other around a greasy ring. I know I do. And if you’re honest, you do too. Come on, let’s both visit the WWE forum together. We can write fiction involving regular forum members grappling with each other and performing their speciality moves. We can talk of upcoming storylines and how much of a git that Mr McMahon is. And if anyone says it’s all fixed, they’re a liar.
Moving away from the fake tanned, chair smashing areas of the site, we come to the Xbox and Windows area. This is the place, where, surprisingly, people go to chit, and indeed chat, about Xboxes, windows…and things of that nature. Xbox LIVE seems to have a large forum following, so why not pop over, list your “gamertag” in one of the dedicated threads, and play against your forum friends online? Go on, you deserve it.
What’s this floating along the tunnel towards us? Yes, you guessed it, it’s FOG Prime. What? You didn’t guess it? Well, I’m not particularly bothered to be honest. This is The Future Of Gaming prime forum. It’s where you talk about games in more general terms, aside from the console specific forums. How games have changed over the years, what you expect new developments will bring to the industry, your favourite games of all time – all of these subjects are welcome here. Think of this as the “Life and Everything” forum – but about games.
In contrast to the last forum, the next item on the agenda is more like the “General Chat” of the gaming world. It’s called FOG Chat. This used to be the place to talk about random nonsense, but then we got a real place for that with an appropriate name, and so now this where you talk games in a more relaxed atmosphere. Less heavyweight issues in here, less intellectual subjects. As a general rule of thumb, if it doesn’t seem to fit in any of the other gaming forums, it goes in here. But don’t blame me if it doesn’t.
Hmm, what’s next? Ah, the Classic Games forum. Is it a game? Is it a classic? Then talk about it in here, moron!
Forum Patrons
There are numerous types of users aboard the ukchatforums ferry, and this is my chance to tell you how rubbish they all are. Only kidding, I like three of them.
Newbies – these members usually have not been here long and have not made too many posts. Their usernames are coloured in a lovely deep red, like a fine wine.
In theory they are – new, fresh faces with ambition, drive, the will to succeed and a desire to impress, who should be treated with all the care of a new puppy.
In practice they are – impudent upstarts who take more than their share of abuse.*
Also, there is a “Just Arrived Today” (or JAT) status for users who have been registered less than 24 hours. These users have a bright red colour, so people can see them coming and prepare to give them a good kicking.*
Regulars – the average forum member. Most people you come across will be regulars. To become a regular you must have been here a certain amount of time and posted a certain amount of messages, but be warned: people will not take kindly to spamming in order to get your status changed. Regulars are purple in colour, due to a fetish on the part of a founding webmaster.
In theory – good, solid posters who can be trusted to submit worthwhile contributions to the site. They know the boundaries, and generally make ukchatforums a nicer place to visit.
In practice – annoying spamheads who will pester staff about why they haven’t won Gameaday or why they’ve been warned, and will start a whole new topic about “help wiv lvl 3 of harry potter.”*
Notables – one lucky regular gets to metamorphose into a notable in the quarterly elections. All regulars vote for their favourite member (easy now) and whoever comes out on top (steady) is given the ‘golden shower’ and revered as a god amongst men. A quick browse of the forum will reveal many references to the fact that the colour of the notables looks less like the golden aura it was designed to resemble and more like the colour of wee wee. But this is the internet we’re talking about.
In theory – watch out when these guys are about, everything they say is sheer genius. A wonder to behold. They are the forum forefathers.
In practice – “What? HIM!? Pfffft.”*
Staff Regulars – these old fools have hopped on the SR gravy train – yes, they actually work for Special Reserve! They have a nice turquoise colour, and are payed for the privilege. Hop along to the Customer Services forum to hurl abuse or praise at them.
In theory – helpful old souls who will bend over backwards to give you a hand with any query. They are only too grateful when you point out that you haven’t won Gameaday despite entering fifteen hundred reviews an hour.
In practice – like everyone else, they really don’t care if you’ve posted 2 more messages than required but still haven’t got your ‘regular’ status.*
NEW!! Staff now available in brand new “newbie” flavour. These are recently recruited staff, still learning the ropes, and will take more cack before shouting. Spot ‘em by the bright green name colour and give ‘em hell.
*Note, may be a SLIGHT exaggeration.
Well, it looks like we've come to the end of our excursion. I'm so sorry for keeping you. Hope you enjoyed the trawl through the wonderful world of the Special Reserve forums, please return any uneaten biscuits.
Blank