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As the current obesity epidemic, and subsequent media obsession with said problem, continues to sweep unabated through our nation like Rik Waller in a pie factory, the Labour government has earmarked a key area to help them get re-elected by outlining plans which ministers hope will cut the levels of obesity.
According to a shocking new Channel 5 television survey on ‘The Wright Stuff’, obesity is now a grave problem in the UK, and the problem will get much worse unless some serious action is taken. Rough estimates show that by 2012, 90% of the British public will be clinically or morbidly obese, of which 85% will blame it on a glandular problem or big bones, and that’s one big fat problem.
According to recently compiled official government statistics, obesity now poses almost as serious a problem to our nation as terrorism. If we don’t do something to curb the current crisis, millions of people will suffer from heart and respiratory problems, diabetes and lots of excess perspiration. The NHS will also have to fork out millions of pounds investing in all-new heavy load bearing beds to carry the weight of these larger patients, and all kinds of chairs will have to be widened to accommodate the larger posteriors of the population.
So, it was the job of a specially commissioned highly trained government “Obesity Taskforce!!1”, a specialist branch of the Nanny State Department, to end this madness. They assessed the problem that fatty food abuse and lack of exercise is causing the population, and have found a viable solution to the impending crisis, seeing as people can’t simply take some responsibility by controlling their own weight and eating sensibly. The breakthrough in the government’s new war, dubbed “The War on Weight: Dessert Storm”, has been made; the solution is not some hastily thought-up fatty food tax, the banning of crisps, mandatory gym memberships and liposuction or free Geri Halliwell yoga dvds, it’s the humble tapeworm.
Health chiefs in the UK worked closely with their colleagues over the pond, and believe that tapeworms could be the key to tackling the big sweaty flabby problem of obesity.
The recent UK announcement follows extensive trials and testing in America, where thousands of citizens in New York and Los Angeles were prescribed with special genetically produced medicinal super tapeworms.
Usually, tapeworms in the body spells bad news for the host, as they can cause all kinds of nasty symptoms and problems, such as abdominal discomfort, diarrhoea and really smelly farts, but now scientists believe that they can utilize the weight loss factor achieved by having a tapeworm in the body for the good of mankind. According to the tests carried out in the US, many of those given the tapeworm treatment managed to lose considerable amounts of excess fat thanks to the presence of the tapeworm.
So how does it work? By using ridiculously expensive genetic engineering technology, scientists monkeyed around with normal tapeworm DNA to create friendly tapeworms (dubbed F.A.T: Fat Absorbing Tapeworms), which live in the gut region doing good work to keep the body healthy and keeping down excessive levels of fatty deposits. The majority of the fat contained in foods like crisps, chocolate, cakes, burgers, chips, lard sandwiches and McDonalds Thickshakes are absorbed by the tapeworm, processed in his stringy little body and broken down into harmless waste. This reduces the fat absorbed into the human body, but increases the amount of waste needing to be expelled from the body in the form of fecal matter (pooh).
One scientist who played a key role in the development of the tapeworm technology said, “We know fat people don’t like doing exercise and eating healthily, hey, that’s why they’re fat, so this project will be highly beneficial. It’ll be a symbiotic relationship, meaning that both parasite and host will be mutually beneficial to each other; the tapeworm will enjoy being fed a constant diet of whatever fatty rubbish the host eats, and the host won’t have to cut down their high fat diet because the presence of the tapeworm will keep them thinner. It’s a lot like common garden worms in a compost heap; they say an earthworm is a gardeners’ best friend, well, the medicinal tapeworms will be a lazy obese persons’ best friend. It’s pretty sad that we’ve had to resort to this kind of action, but what can you do?”
The average members of the British public interviewed seemed either oblivious or slightly wary of the F.A.T project however, with many not too keen on the idea of letting a parasite, albeit a friendly one, living inside the body. Some people though, thought that if the project really does work, then it could be a good way of cutting obesity levels without the need of mass fasting or drastic operations.
In order to gain public acceptance, the tapeworm treatment has been likened to that of drinking Yakult, as it took the public a great deal of time to accept Yakult; originally the idea of drinking a drink filled with bacteria seemed as desirable as drinking your own urine, but people have been told it’s healthy and good for them so they lap it up, and the tapeworm scheme may be the same. If the F.A.T project proves successful, there may even be plans to release all manner of different tapeworms in different colours and designs, much like the Apple iPod, to suit the users tastes and make it a hip and trendy lifestyle accessory.
No matter how people feel about the new treatment, there’s little doubt that we could be on the verge of a gargantuan medical catastrophe with obesity, and if we continue to live in ignorance with people’s attitudes not changing, the tapeworm could be our last, best hope for a thinner future…
According to a shocking new Channel 5 television survey on ‘The Wright Stuff’, obesity is now a grave problem in the UK, and the problem will get much worse unless some serious action is taken. Rough estimates show that by 2012, 90% of the British public will be clinically or morbidly obese, of which 85% will blame it on a glandular problem or big bones, and that’s one big fat problem.
According to recently compiled official government statistics, obesity now poses almost as serious a problem to our nation as terrorism. If we don’t do something to curb the current crisis, millions of people will suffer from heart and respiratory problems, diabetes and lots of excess perspiration. The NHS will also have to fork out millions of pounds investing in all-new heavy load bearing beds to carry the weight of these larger patients, and all kinds of chairs will have to be widened to accommodate the larger posteriors of the population.
So, it was the job of a specially commissioned highly trained government “Obesity Taskforce!!1”, a specialist branch of the Nanny State Department, to end this madness. They assessed the problem that fatty food abuse and lack of exercise is causing the population, and have found a viable solution to the impending crisis, seeing as people can’t simply take some responsibility by controlling their own weight and eating sensibly. The breakthrough in the government’s new war, dubbed “The War on Weight: Dessert Storm”, has been made; the solution is not some hastily thought-up fatty food tax, the banning of crisps, mandatory gym memberships and liposuction or free Geri Halliwell yoga dvds, it’s the humble tapeworm.
Health chiefs in the UK worked closely with their colleagues over the pond, and believe that tapeworms could be the key to tackling the big sweaty flabby problem of obesity.
The recent UK announcement follows extensive trials and testing in America, where thousands of citizens in New York and Los Angeles were prescribed with special genetically produced medicinal super tapeworms.
Usually, tapeworms in the body spells bad news for the host, as they can cause all kinds of nasty symptoms and problems, such as abdominal discomfort, diarrhoea and really smelly farts, but now scientists believe that they can utilize the weight loss factor achieved by having a tapeworm in the body for the good of mankind. According to the tests carried out in the US, many of those given the tapeworm treatment managed to lose considerable amounts of excess fat thanks to the presence of the tapeworm.
So how does it work? By using ridiculously expensive genetic engineering technology, scientists monkeyed around with normal tapeworm DNA to create friendly tapeworms (dubbed F.A.T: Fat Absorbing Tapeworms), which live in the gut region doing good work to keep the body healthy and keeping down excessive levels of fatty deposits. The majority of the fat contained in foods like crisps, chocolate, cakes, burgers, chips, lard sandwiches and McDonalds Thickshakes are absorbed by the tapeworm, processed in his stringy little body and broken down into harmless waste. This reduces the fat absorbed into the human body, but increases the amount of waste needing to be expelled from the body in the form of fecal matter (pooh).
One scientist who played a key role in the development of the tapeworm technology said, “We know fat people don’t like doing exercise and eating healthily, hey, that’s why they’re fat, so this project will be highly beneficial. It’ll be a symbiotic relationship, meaning that both parasite and host will be mutually beneficial to each other; the tapeworm will enjoy being fed a constant diet of whatever fatty rubbish the host eats, and the host won’t have to cut down their high fat diet because the presence of the tapeworm will keep them thinner. It’s a lot like common garden worms in a compost heap; they say an earthworm is a gardeners’ best friend, well, the medicinal tapeworms will be a lazy obese persons’ best friend. It’s pretty sad that we’ve had to resort to this kind of action, but what can you do?”
The average members of the British public interviewed seemed either oblivious or slightly wary of the F.A.T project however, with many not too keen on the idea of letting a parasite, albeit a friendly one, living inside the body. Some people though, thought that if the project really does work, then it could be a good way of cutting obesity levels without the need of mass fasting or drastic operations.
In order to gain public acceptance, the tapeworm treatment has been likened to that of drinking Yakult, as it took the public a great deal of time to accept Yakult; originally the idea of drinking a drink filled with bacteria seemed as desirable as drinking your own urine, but people have been told it’s healthy and good for them so they lap it up, and the tapeworm scheme may be the same. If the F.A.T project proves successful, there may even be plans to release all manner of different tapeworms in different colours and designs, much like the Apple iPod, to suit the users tastes and make it a hip and trendy lifestyle accessory.
No matter how people feel about the new treatment, there’s little doubt that we could be on the verge of a gargantuan medical catastrophe with obesity, and if we continue to live in ignorance with people’s attitudes not changing, the tapeworm could be our last, best hope for a thinner future…
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Are you available for hire at Christmas? That would make for an interesting conversation piece at anyone's festive do. Plus, when I crack walnuts I always make such a hash of it.
Walking 4-5 miles every morning carrying monstrously heavy bags of post keeps you fit, gives you a neck like Henry Rollins, legs like a racehorse and the ability to crack walnuts with your asscheeeks.
Light wrote:
> The only to deal with the obesity epidemic is to point at fat
> people and laugh at them until they cry.
My girlfriend had a good idea: stop selling size 14+ clothing, and the fatsos will either have to waddle the streets naked and filthy, or lose some of it.
"But what will you wear?", said I, moments before the first impact of the rolling pin.
> The only to deal with the obesity epidemic is to point at fat
> people and laugh at them until they cry.
My girlfriend had a good idea: stop selling size 14+ clothing, and the fatsos will either have to waddle the streets naked and filthy, or lose some of it.
"But what will you wear?", said I, moments before the first impact of the rolling pin.
You can lose weight and still get tired running after kids that laugh at your newly-acquired 'batwings' - exercise is the best method as it tones the body, making you look buff and trim.
That's one fat baby.
I hope it's neck gets so chubby it swallows it's face.
I hope it's neck gets so chubby it swallows it's face.
Most fat people are fat by their own fault. But did anyone watch that program about the 6-stone baby? It was about a two-year-old that weighed 6 stone.
Some medical problem.
Still, to look on the bright side, if that kids mum decides to have another baby it should be a pain free birth. It'll probably be able to walk out.
Some medical problem.
Still, to look on the bright side, if that kids mum decides to have another baby it should be a pain free birth. It'll probably be able to walk out.
I'd have preferred the free Geri Halliwell DVD idea.
Still, I did in fact join a gym on Wednesday.
Still, I did in fact join a gym on Wednesday.
There will always be fat people.
"It's my glands"
No, it's your 14 pizzas in one sitting, you porker. And here's a quick tip: Diet Coke isn't gonna help you Orca.
"It's my glands"
No, it's your 14 pizzas in one sitting, you porker. And here's a quick tip: Diet Coke isn't gonna help you Orca.
I had a tough battle with Obesity.... just hopefully I can now battle my dyslexia... But pills and special drinks are useless. Watching advertisments about them makes you think that if you drink 1 a day you will lose weight. But, the only decent way to lose weight and keep it off is to eat healthy and in moderation plus excersice daily. There are no shortcuts or the quick and easy way with dieting... it might work in short turn but you'll end up putting it back on. I was at 16, 19stone, but now at 21 i'm only 11stone, and its taken me these 5 years of strong commitment to do that...
The only to deal with the obesity epidemic is to point at fat people and laugh at them until they cry.
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