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"Rant ~ Cigarettes and Me"

So, after ten-twelve years of fighting myself, natural urges to kill others, kill myself, to destroy and maim... odd little hallucinations that, hell, I swear are as real as reality gets.. oh, and a good few pointless little disorders along the way to keep me from killing myself, it all comes down to the simple fact that my brain is damaged, that I'm over the borderline schizophrenic, and I'm quite, quite psychotic for being so.

And at the moment, I think I'm feeling pretty damn good about myself. It's taken me a long time to get any such sense out of it all (mainly because the part of my brain that handles self-analysis is dead and dying, meaning: I can call you a fat loser, but I can't tell you for sure if I want a cup of tea or not. Don't take it for granted, kids.), and in terms of success, I've managed to amazingly:

1) Not kill myself
2) Not kill anyone else

Which I believe I deserve a pat on the back for. Everything doesn't make that much more sense, but hell, it's a start.

Tomorrow evening I shall be starting a rather large dose of anti-psychotics. The hopeful idea behind it is, it'll make it easier for my brain to make connections, should substantially decrease the confusion in my mind, and generally make it easier to think. The prospect of this, truly, is exciting. I don't want to look forward to it too much for fear of it not affecting me at all, but well, it'll be interesting at least.

The thing though, to say honestly at the moment, I don't really think there's anything wrong with me, which is why I hate to write this topics, and end up forcing myself to. I've battled solidily and constantly against whatever it is that's telling me I'm fine and should shut up, and to come out of it to find someone saying to you 'hey, you know, you're right, something's wrong' is both horrific and relieving at the same time. I even had to fight to stop myself from stealing all the notes when the final diagnosis was made.. made me wonder, why the hell had I even gone to get help in the first place? I couldn't even remember, but it had took me long enough.

Remember about the multiple personalities thing? Well, that was just a tiny bit of it, some little disorder I'd managed to pick up along the way. My mind is somehow split in two, which I kinda refer to as Grix and Seiyo just to make things cute. Leon, the 'other', I found out I had created just to try and put a middleman between the two of them because there was such a massive clash between them. Scary, but then, I'm psychotic.

Well, it's pretty obvious what I need to do next. My mind is split, there's no curing that (and to be honest, thank God, I'd always want it this way)... but I can help the confusion, I can help myself to arrange my thoughts so I can access them easier. It's all I want, I don't want rid of anything else, just the confusion. If it could make me less lazy too, hell, I won't complain.

Now. Let's put a few things into rational sentences for my own use here. I'm not special. I'm just another, single human being with a strange little mind and the ability to imagine etc etc. I am no saviour, no God or Christ and I'm not the President of the USA. Although, sometimes I wish I was.

But you know what scares me? That when you look at things, really closely, deep into the structure of human life on this planet, there are really a hell of a lot of things that just shouldn't exist.

I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark here. Cigarettes. If you smoke, I hold nothing against you, whatsoever. You can smoke two hundred cigarettes a day, you can go through six lighters or whatever, it's your life, it's your body, you do whatever the hell you want.

BUT, and this is one MASSIVE fat backside of a but.

People, human beings on this planet, are manufacturing, creating, tiny little sticks which are filled with addictive, cancerous causing drugs. Rubbish wrapped in a paper tube, that does NOTHING for you. It doesn't enhance your mind, it doesn't give you a high, it does zero, zilch, nothing. Tobacco and some more rubbish, rolled. All it seems to ever do, is to stop you from wanting another cigarette for a while.

Cannabis is as addictive as a placebo. You can buy it off skinny people with bad facial hair, you can grow it, PURELY, grow, in your back yard. It'll damage your brain, it may or may not cause cancer, it may do a million things to you, but guess what? It's not addictive. It's YOUR own choice that is affected UNCHEMICALLY and your intake is controlled by your OWN FREE WILL. It is, however, illegal. And yes, this is personal experience, intellectual research, as it were. I feel the urge for cannabis as much as I feel the urge to paraglide. It'd be cool, but it can wait.

And small sticks, which are advertised as cool, which were piped out by cinema, are STILL being sold. They are even being TAXED. They are pumped into the sub-conscious as being a DRUG. The WORST crappy little drug on planet Earth.

Have I smoked? Why, yes I have. Why? Because hell, you know, things are here to be tried, attempted, and I will never shoot anyone down for trying something, no matter how desperate or ridiculous it may seem because we are human beings of this green planet and we have the right to be curious about anything we want and find fit to even remotely desire.

Hope I'm not just catching up with the general consensus here, but doesn't this bother anyone? At all?

It occured to me that maybe it's just some secret Government plot to try and push back self-harm. 'Try and take control of your sucky spinning life and pay taxes while you're at it. No blood lost!' Maybe that's all it is.

There are men, human beings, responsible and making a large amount of money, from causing other people on this planet to become addicted to inhaling the fumes of a bunch of chemicals stuck in a tube. I'm not making this up, I'm just using different words.

It's taken me a long time to think about this. I've been helped along the way by Bill Hicks and my Grandfather and to their dead souls I thank.

But surely, am I not the only one who begins to get the very difficult to control urge to try and blow up every single cigarette factory this planet holds?

Like I said I don't care wherever you smoke or not, I don't care for your reasons, I just care that someone is making money from this.

Now, I'm not the most intelligent of people anyway, and it takes a long while to start realising something like this. Sooner or later, maybe, I'll start realising it about the Government and everyone, and hell, if my dark side ever truly took over me, I could take a gun and make this world a better place. Perhaps.

And I'm sure, dead positive I'm not psychotic for thinking this. Thinking it seems rational, logical.

Although I really shouldn't convince myself too much. The psychotic bit is more to due with me fighting myself to become a superhero, in this belief I could actually have a remote chance of making the world a far better place. Thinking that the newspapers would all say "Cigarette Factories Burn to Ground. World Laughs. Standers By Said to be 'Coughing' Nicotine Patches Sell Out."

And delusions of grandeur aside.. I'm beginning to really believe it would. Really, probably best for someone to stop me before I decide to rally all the goths and raise an army.

Cigarettes or Dope Tea Bags?

Hmmm ... you kinda stole my words there, Grix. Git.
Yeah, I think the same.

It's just the idea of setting fire to a little paper tube, crammed with stuff that first of all stinks like feck, tastes even worse, and you know is extremely addictive, plus about 100 other chemicals you couldn't even name - then breathing in and out the fumes created. Worse of all - what really makes me laugh - it's actually fine, because there's a filter on the end.
Great

I don't see how anyone could think that was ever a good idea.
But, yeah, it's their choice - I'm not one to preach. But I also don't want a toke, no thankyou, nono, that's fine, I don't. Just go away now.

And yet, my poor image-pumped brain still thinks I'd look (if even possible) that little bit cooler with a smouldering roll of crap hanging out the corner of my mouth.
*sigh*

If there isn't a proverb saying:

"Humour a curious if irrelevant philosopher"

then there should be! :-P

Strafio, I really haven't a clue, like I said to Pb, it was just said for a laugh more than anything :)

Won't be starting the pills tonight fortunately, or not so, gotta wait till tomorrow now.

the sagacious one wrote:
> After taking several substantial beatings I realised that this is a very
> emotive subject.

Excellent.

When I was at university in Brighton and being a proactive student, I decided that beacuse I detested cigarettes so much, I should walk around with a t-shirt that proclaimed "I hate fags". After taking several substantial beatings I realised that this is a very emotive subject.

*****

The whole smoking debate is of course very contentious and those who are for or against it, often have very viciferous views. Personally I don't care if you smoke (it's where you smoke), as much as I don't care if you eat burgers or drink. We know that excessive consumption of any of these three is bad for you health.

What does bug me however is the trite arguments that smoker's offer, when their right to smoke in public is opposed. The old "well people drink and that's harmful to them" is rubbish. I bet plenty of smokers drink. In fact plenty of people only smoke when they drink. The argument that "people shouldn't go into pubs/restaurants where people are smoking", is as ludicrous.

They [smokers] complain that their "right" to smoke is being taken away, but people's right not to have to a pint whilst breathing in smoke particulates (large nasty particles that other nasty particles adhere to) and put up with the smell, and the irritation, is just as worthy. And any amount of Jack Deee-esque mockery about "oooh smoking hurts my eyes" in that whinny voice, isn't going to be effective.

Grix Thraves wrote:
> but I can't tell you for
> sure if I want a cup of tea or not.

Interesting. Call me a pest for walking the tangent but this caught my thinking. Basically, are you sure whether you want some tea, or are you unsure whether you'll still want it in a few seconds...

You know, the mind changing and all that.
You see, I've sort of come to realise that there's rarely a simple yes and no. I know if I want a tea because I'd feel like drinking some and put the kettle on.

Now if someone asks... that can be tricky, because you didn't have a feeling on it, someone put the idea in the head and you've got to work out whether you actually want it or not...

You feel that you should want it, because someone is offering to make you a drink, which should always be a good thing, but then you feel that if you changed your mind and didn't drink it, then you'd sort of be letting them down, or something?

You say you can call someone a fat loser.
Maybe if the thought popped into your head.
But what if someone came up to you, out of the blue, and interrupted your train of thought with the question "am I a fat loser?".

I know I'd be stumped...

As to ciggerettes, it's the way I've always seen it.
I can see why people get into it, I mean when everyone else is smoking, and making it look so enjoyable, it sometimes makes it look tempting.

And then I remember when I actually tried smoking one.


It's like smack. You have to force it down until you get hooked, and then you just feel like crap without one.

But people like it.
C'est la vie.
And you can't force people what to do, even if it IS for their own good because it wouldn't work like that...

Well, er, I'll go to bed now, but I'll give it five minutes, or people might get suspicious.

*looks about*

I'm tired and my boss moaned at me so I'm going to bed.

Goodnight my Welsh more mental in the head than me friend.

If only I knew.