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Looking at the launch schedule for the DS, you can see why everyone regards Nintendo as nothing but a purveyor of cheap children's games. The box art for Yoshi's Touch & Go, one of the best looking games on the console at the moment, just oozes sickeningly cute kids television all over you, as do Pokemon Dash, Zoo Keeper, and even Mario 64. With the only remotely mature Nintendo game on the horizon for the DS being Metroid Prime Hunters, I have taken it upon myself to rebrand all of Nintendo's current franchises for the DS, in a hope of salvaging their reputation.
Now I know that many of you will cry "But handhelds only sell to children!", but with the current state of world affairs, I don't think a rebranding would do them any harm. Harry Potter kills people (well, he almost did, once), so why can't Toad, Peach, or even Fils-Aime himself?
Deep down in all of urge is the primal urge to kill anything that moves. Don't think you can supress it, I've seen the way you look at the postman when he's late with another precious delivery. So let me fulfil your wildest dreams, and give Nintendo's most famous characters some serious edge (with accompanying photo mock-ups, of course)
First up, Yoshi's Blood & Guts
You can see it in his eyes - the blood of a million years of carnivorous slaughter pumps through his very veins. His bulging cheeks and oversized, bulbous nose are filled with litres of poisonous venom, and his cute smile hides rows of razor sharp, blood stained teeth. Yoshi is a killing machine, pure and simple. In this new DS adventure, guide Yoshi through the Mushroom Kingdom by first picking apart a live Toad with a scalpel, then trailing its still warm entrails across the screen, guiding the bloodthirsty dinosaur towards the palpitating carcass, which he proceeds to rip to shreds on the top screen, while the bottom screen shows the face of the innocent 'toad - creature' still twitching. Baby Mario features heavily in the first level, luring Toads and Toadettes into a dark cave to be set upon by a ravenous Yoshi, until a particularly violent, chainsaw-wielding ghost appears and slices his head clean in two. Being a dinosaur with no feelings, Yoshi feasts on his meagre brains and wears his skin like a coat for the rest of the game. Tough, but fair.
Here's my box art:
[URL]http://img24.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img24&image=yoshistouchgo20050114060556137.jpg[/URL]
I think you'll agree it's a little more appealing and would sell like blood-filled hot-cakes.
Next, Pokemon Dash
Pokemon is in dire need of an overhaul, and as new president and CEO of Nintendo of Europe I'm the man to do it. What Pikachu and friends really need is a savage beast, hungry for genetically engineered pocket monster flesh, to keep them on their toes. Obviously Yoshi is busy with other things, so we have to turn to our next most ferocious character, Donkey Kong. With his perpetual hatred of all living creatures, monkey-boy Donkey Kong is the perfect antibiotic to cure the Pokemon disease. Pounding through Johto, crushing houses and Pokemaniacs beneath his bus sized feat, the 600m tall Donkey Kong seeks to destroy all Pokemon life forever, with the aid of Brock, who went insane, and who's head DK now wears as a trophy on his shoulder. Here is my artists rendition:
[URL]http://img48.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img48&image=donkeyk6tu.jpg[/URL]
As one of the last surviving Pokemon, you must dash to escape Donkey Kong, although on the last level, you will finally succumb, after weeks of tortuous running through thorns and bracken, and be devoured by the now foaming giant ape.
Finally, Animal Crossing DS gets some much needed Nintendo of Europe treatment
A community game already released twice on two separate consoles, Animal Crossing is getting old quickly. To bring it up to date with Nintendo of Europe's current view of the twenty first century, there will need to be some radical changes. For a start, the idea of "community" is out, replaced instead by a more, hip, jazzy, tribal mentality. It is kill or be eaten in this mouse eat cat world, where forced cannibalism and an invasion by carnivorous robots provide a thrilling contemporary backdrop to the traditional Animal Crossing theme:
[URL]http://img48.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img48&image=animalc9lv.jpg[/URL]
As you face new and exciting challenges each day, the game throws up real ethical issues, downloaded directly from the internet via your DS WiFI connection. "Should we be attempting to prolong the life of humans against the design of nature?", "can cpmputers really think?" "which of my neighbours should I eat today?". Should you answer any of these questions incorrectly, the facist robot police will come to your house and cart you away in their meat truck for 'processing'. Don't worry, though, Nintendo of Europe will look after your DS while you're in there, using it as the sole display case to market our fantastic new handheld in the UK.
As you can see, Nintendo would clearly benefit from these changes of image. In an ever more violent and bleak world, Nintendo needs to change in order to keep up and give consumers what they want - a cold, hard kick in the groin. I hope you agree that the future looks bright.
Now I know that many of you will cry "But handhelds only sell to children!", but with the current state of world affairs, I don't think a rebranding would do them any harm. Harry Potter kills people (well, he almost did, once), so why can't Toad, Peach, or even Fils-Aime himself?
Deep down in all of urge is the primal urge to kill anything that moves. Don't think you can supress it, I've seen the way you look at the postman when he's late with another precious delivery. So let me fulfil your wildest dreams, and give Nintendo's most famous characters some serious edge (with accompanying photo mock-ups, of course)
First up, Yoshi's Blood & Guts
You can see it in his eyes - the blood of a million years of carnivorous slaughter pumps through his very veins. His bulging cheeks and oversized, bulbous nose are filled with litres of poisonous venom, and his cute smile hides rows of razor sharp, blood stained teeth. Yoshi is a killing machine, pure and simple. In this new DS adventure, guide Yoshi through the Mushroom Kingdom by first picking apart a live Toad with a scalpel, then trailing its still warm entrails across the screen, guiding the bloodthirsty dinosaur towards the palpitating carcass, which he proceeds to rip to shreds on the top screen, while the bottom screen shows the face of the innocent 'toad - creature' still twitching. Baby Mario features heavily in the first level, luring Toads and Toadettes into a dark cave to be set upon by a ravenous Yoshi, until a particularly violent, chainsaw-wielding ghost appears and slices his head clean in two. Being a dinosaur with no feelings, Yoshi feasts on his meagre brains and wears his skin like a coat for the rest of the game. Tough, but fair.
Here's my box art:
[URL]http://img24.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img24&image=yoshistouchgo20050114060556137.jpg[/URL]
I think you'll agree it's a little more appealing and would sell like blood-filled hot-cakes.
Next, Pokemon Dash
Pokemon is in dire need of an overhaul, and as new president and CEO of Nintendo of Europe I'm the man to do it. What Pikachu and friends really need is a savage beast, hungry for genetically engineered pocket monster flesh, to keep them on their toes. Obviously Yoshi is busy with other things, so we have to turn to our next most ferocious character, Donkey Kong. With his perpetual hatred of all living creatures, monkey-boy Donkey Kong is the perfect antibiotic to cure the Pokemon disease. Pounding through Johto, crushing houses and Pokemaniacs beneath his bus sized feat, the 600m tall Donkey Kong seeks to destroy all Pokemon life forever, with the aid of Brock, who went insane, and who's head DK now wears as a trophy on his shoulder. Here is my artists rendition:
[URL]http://img48.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img48&image=donkeyk6tu.jpg[/URL]
As one of the last surviving Pokemon, you must dash to escape Donkey Kong, although on the last level, you will finally succumb, after weeks of tortuous running through thorns and bracken, and be devoured by the now foaming giant ape.
Finally, Animal Crossing DS gets some much needed Nintendo of Europe treatment
A community game already released twice on two separate consoles, Animal Crossing is getting old quickly. To bring it up to date with Nintendo of Europe's current view of the twenty first century, there will need to be some radical changes. For a start, the idea of "community" is out, replaced instead by a more, hip, jazzy, tribal mentality. It is kill or be eaten in this mouse eat cat world, where forced cannibalism and an invasion by carnivorous robots provide a thrilling contemporary backdrop to the traditional Animal Crossing theme:
[URL]http://img48.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img48&image=animalc9lv.jpg[/URL]
As you face new and exciting challenges each day, the game throws up real ethical issues, downloaded directly from the internet via your DS WiFI connection. "Should we be attempting to prolong the life of humans against the design of nature?", "can cpmputers really think?" "which of my neighbours should I eat today?". Should you answer any of these questions incorrectly, the facist robot police will come to your house and cart you away in their meat truck for 'processing'. Don't worry, though, Nintendo of Europe will look after your DS while you're in there, using it as the sole display case to market our fantastic new handheld in the UK.
As you can see, Nintendo would clearly benefit from these changes of image. In an ever more violent and bleak world, Nintendo needs to change in order to keep up and give consumers what they want - a cold, hard kick in the groin. I hope you agree that the future looks bright.
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Dringo wrote:
> mermoid wrote:
> Dringo wrote:
> Dringo does not write essays on the
> forums
>
> Clearly lies.
>
> Not essays that are after a grade or anything. Not even essays that
> are after free games.
But essays nonetheless :)
> mermoid wrote:
> Dringo wrote:
> Dringo does not write essays on the
> forums
>
> Clearly lies.
>
> Not essays that are after a grade or anything. Not even essays that
> are after free games.
But essays nonetheless :)
mermoid wrote:
> Dringo wrote:
> Dringo does not write essays on the
> forums
>
> Clearly lies.
Not essays that are after a grade or anything. Not even essays that are after free games.
I write reviews for that.
> Dringo wrote:
> Dringo does not write essays on the
> forums
>
> Clearly lies.
Not essays that are after a grade or anything. Not even essays that are after free games.
I write reviews for that.
Dringo wrote:
> Dringo does not write essays on the
> forums
Clearly lies.
> Dringo does not write essays on the
> forums
Clearly lies.
mermoid wrote:
> grammar
hur hur.
Dringo writes like he talks. Dringo does not write essays on the forums, does not check his grammar and spelling...
In fact Dringo doesn't bother because this is a forum about Nintendo gaming, not the place I hand in essays on Rennaissance society and the alagorical meaning of Paradise Lost.
> grammar
hur hur.
Dringo writes like he talks. Dringo does not write essays on the forums, does not check his grammar and spelling...
In fact Dringo doesn't bother because this is a forum about Nintendo gaming, not the place I hand in essays on Rennaissance society and the alagorical meaning of Paradise Lost.
grammar
Yes, I have also noticed Dringo's atrocious spelling and grammer (I'm sure there's something highly ironic in this sentence, but still).
:-D
lcarus wrote:
> Great. I'm all warm and fuzzy inside now. Let's copulate.
Works everytime ;)
> Great. I'm all warm and fuzzy inside now. Let's copulate.
Works everytime ;)
Great. I'm all warm and fuzzy inside now. Let's copulate.
lcarus wrote:
> Still not convinced you go to Cambridge Uni.
>
> Dringo wrote:
> jurastiction.
Oh no, not a spelling error! Jurisdiction then.
> Still not convinced you go to Cambridge Uni.
>
> Dringo wrote:
> jurastiction.
Oh no, not a spelling error! Jurisdiction then.
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