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“Quieten down, gentlemen” boomed a voice from the centre of a circle of people crowded into Old Rusty’s basement. The voice belonged to none other than Old Rusty himself, a mechanic by trade and a utilitarian at heart – he liked thing to work properly and never left a customer dissatisfied with his excellent mechanical skills. Old Rusty saw things on a grand scale and found a few things that didn’t quite work. In Rusty’s eyes a few pointless aspects, three to be precise, tainted the near-perfect system of humanity. These were rats, jealousy and clowns.
Rats, first of all, were pointless because they contributed nothing to humanity, they didn’t create anything nor were they of any use. They couldn’t be eaten, not could they be burnt for fuel – they are leeches of humanity. Secondly jealously was a pointless thing, it didn’t achieve anything positive, only negative – it created fights and anguish and destroyed life. Never did jealously put food on the table or raise a family, it was purely destructive. It could be argued that anger was pointless but Old Rusty would disagree, anger can be creative if channelled creatively and provide the world with beautiful artwork.
The third thing was the one that grated the most on Old Rusty and that was clowns. Primarily designed to entertain children the clown was meant to be a tool of delight, which failed on all accounts. Studies had shown that 89% of children were in fact scared of clowns and the other 11% found them unappealing. Also an amazing 25% of professional clowns were paedophiles and a further 7% had a fetish for balloon animals. Clowns failed miserably in their aim to entertain children in the yes of Old Rusty, and he had decided on a stormy April night that he would destroy them all.
After a news report on conveniently placed advertising, an advert caught Old Rusty’s eye. “The National Clown Convention” giggled a wretched voice “is in town for one night only – come and see all your favourites including BoBo and, erm, that other one only on the 7th August” An idea hit Old Rusty and he began scribbling ideas down on a notepad than was conveniently by his side as the terms and conditions were quietly and quickly read, “We are not responsible for any molestation, kidnap, dismemberment of trauma caused by our clowns, entry to the circus of clowns is at your own risk”
Old Rusty decided to try and recruit an anti-clown army on the internet. He first of all googled “clown punishment” but only found bizarre German fetish porn, so instead launched his own website, www.ihateclownswithavengeance.org - which quickly became the number 3 non-porn website on the Internet, number 16,807 on the Internet overall. He quickly assembled an army of clown haters and managed to lure 300 willing participants into his basement on the evening of 7th August, the night of the Clown Circus.
In the middle of a circle of angry men, and one feminist who seemed to have got entirely the wrong idea from the website, stood Old Rusty – dressed in his old overall with a tool belt full of weaponry. “Right gentlemen” said Rusty, looking at the feminist’s moustache, “thank you all for coming”. There was a small ruckus in the crowd as someone stood on someone else’s shoe. “Before we embark on this mission of missions I need to teach you an important lesson, a lesson that will turn you all from boys into men” Rusty stared again at the feminist. “I’m going to teach you all how to fight a clown” There was a rapturous applause from the circle of men who had being long awaiting this moment, and a confused look from the feminist who wasn’t quite sure what was going on.
Old Rusty dished out various weapons including spanners, wrenches and sharpened sticks he found in the yard and showed his adoring audience the swipe and stab motions they would need to make chalky coloured mince meat out of those devilish clowns. Old Rusty got his army fired up on cheap vodka and Febreeze and as the clock struck 9 o’clock the men marched out in single file to the circus of clowns, ready to destroy and maim anyone with a painted face or large shoes. It was unfortunate that the first person the drunken mob was saw Mary McGee, the local big footed albino lady who’s large shoes and pale face with red lipstick smeared across her mouth were the very things that got her beaten to death. Luckily she wasn’t a main character who probably didn’t have a family so the town soon forget about her.
The clan marched along the streets of the town, scowling and muttering as they roamed. It was after an hour and a half that Old Rusty’s lack of planning was called into question and it was decided that nobody actually knew where the Clown Circus was. After some shouting, screeching and crying, as well as some anti-male ranting from the feminist had taken place, the group decided to go back to Old Rusty’s house with their tails between their legs.
Back at Old Rusty’s the gang cracked open a few beers, except the feminist who thought beer was immoral, and put the telly on. “…and the national Clown Circus went down with great success, wouldn’t you say Tracy?” said local news anchor Jesus Lenon, “Yes Jesus, she quipped – stay tuned for our news report into cruel twists of fate, we’ll be back after the break”.
Rats, first of all, were pointless because they contributed nothing to humanity, they didn’t create anything nor were they of any use. They couldn’t be eaten, not could they be burnt for fuel – they are leeches of humanity. Secondly jealously was a pointless thing, it didn’t achieve anything positive, only negative – it created fights and anguish and destroyed life. Never did jealously put food on the table or raise a family, it was purely destructive. It could be argued that anger was pointless but Old Rusty would disagree, anger can be creative if channelled creatively and provide the world with beautiful artwork.
The third thing was the one that grated the most on Old Rusty and that was clowns. Primarily designed to entertain children the clown was meant to be a tool of delight, which failed on all accounts. Studies had shown that 89% of children were in fact scared of clowns and the other 11% found them unappealing. Also an amazing 25% of professional clowns were paedophiles and a further 7% had a fetish for balloon animals. Clowns failed miserably in their aim to entertain children in the yes of Old Rusty, and he had decided on a stormy April night that he would destroy them all.
After a news report on conveniently placed advertising, an advert caught Old Rusty’s eye. “The National Clown Convention” giggled a wretched voice “is in town for one night only – come and see all your favourites including BoBo and, erm, that other one only on the 7th August” An idea hit Old Rusty and he began scribbling ideas down on a notepad than was conveniently by his side as the terms and conditions were quietly and quickly read, “We are not responsible for any molestation, kidnap, dismemberment of trauma caused by our clowns, entry to the circus of clowns is at your own risk”
Old Rusty decided to try and recruit an anti-clown army on the internet. He first of all googled “clown punishment” but only found bizarre German fetish porn, so instead launched his own website, www.ihateclownswithavengeance.org - which quickly became the number 3 non-porn website on the Internet, number 16,807 on the Internet overall. He quickly assembled an army of clown haters and managed to lure 300 willing participants into his basement on the evening of 7th August, the night of the Clown Circus.
In the middle of a circle of angry men, and one feminist who seemed to have got entirely the wrong idea from the website, stood Old Rusty – dressed in his old overall with a tool belt full of weaponry. “Right gentlemen” said Rusty, looking at the feminist’s moustache, “thank you all for coming”. There was a small ruckus in the crowd as someone stood on someone else’s shoe. “Before we embark on this mission of missions I need to teach you an important lesson, a lesson that will turn you all from boys into men” Rusty stared again at the feminist. “I’m going to teach you all how to fight a clown” There was a rapturous applause from the circle of men who had being long awaiting this moment, and a confused look from the feminist who wasn’t quite sure what was going on.
Old Rusty dished out various weapons including spanners, wrenches and sharpened sticks he found in the yard and showed his adoring audience the swipe and stab motions they would need to make chalky coloured mince meat out of those devilish clowns. Old Rusty got his army fired up on cheap vodka and Febreeze and as the clock struck 9 o’clock the men marched out in single file to the circus of clowns, ready to destroy and maim anyone with a painted face or large shoes. It was unfortunate that the first person the drunken mob was saw Mary McGee, the local big footed albino lady who’s large shoes and pale face with red lipstick smeared across her mouth were the very things that got her beaten to death. Luckily she wasn’t a main character who probably didn’t have a family so the town soon forget about her.
The clan marched along the streets of the town, scowling and muttering as they roamed. It was after an hour and a half that Old Rusty’s lack of planning was called into question and it was decided that nobody actually knew where the Clown Circus was. After some shouting, screeching and crying, as well as some anti-male ranting from the feminist had taken place, the group decided to go back to Old Rusty’s house with their tails between their legs.
Back at Old Rusty’s the gang cracked open a few beers, except the feminist who thought beer was immoral, and put the telly on. “…and the national Clown Circus went down with great success, wouldn’t you say Tracy?” said local news anchor Jesus Lenon, “Yes Jesus, she quipped – stay tuned for our news report into cruel twists of fate, we’ll be back after the break”.
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I like this, the touches of humour in it are effective, and it keeping with the tone of the piece. Very gently humour that works well in this tale. It could easily have been done in a darker, more sinister way, given the angle you've taken, but this is all the more pleasant.
Have to say the thought of balloon animal fetishes made me go 'urgh', then think about it all too long.
Have to say the thought of balloon animal fetishes made me go 'urgh', then think about it all too long.
ahaar
It was intellectually ambigious.
I'll leave it at that.
I'll leave it at that.
Well, maybe it wasn't really anything - but what I thought happened is that they couldn't find the clown convention because they were the clown convention. Hence the bit on the end talking about it and 'cruel twists of fate'
But I may well be mistaken.
But I may well be mistaken.
No idea what FFF spotted at the end but I enjoyed a few 'chuckle' moments while reading this.
Fozz wrote:
> whats with all the clown stories??..I dont understand
We have competitions called "Short Story Competitions" (SSC) and a person sets a specific subject for other people to write a story about, in this instance it was clowns.
> whats with all the clown stories??..I dont understand
We have competitions called "Short Story Competitions" (SSC) and a person sets a specific subject for other people to write a story about, in this instance it was clowns.
whats with all the clown stories??..I dont understand
A good clown story from a point of view of not liking clowns. God story, with an unexpected ending.
Read this the other day but never commented.
Thought the statistics were great :D
Well done.
Thought the statistics were great :D
Well done.
heh mary mcgee
Nice one kyle - again
Nice one kyle - again
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