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Ooh, lovely cup of tea. Thank you, ma’am.
Well, it’s rather a long story ...
Oh. I suppose so, yeah.
Everything started a few days ago. I went out to buy some new shoes...
Yeah, these ones. They look pretty silly, I know - but most shops don’t sell up to size twenty-seven and a half for some reason.
I could only find these ones - all big and red. Squeak occasionally.
No, not at all. I wanted some Nikes, really. Some of those ones without the laces, you know?
So anyway, I made do with these and went off home, reasonably happy.
You’ll never guess what I found...
...
That’s ... quite an imagination you’ve got there. Rather ... disturbing actually.
But no - nothing like that.
I’d been burgled. Or, rather, I was in the process of being burgled.
Yeah, just this bunch of chaps shifting all my stuff out the house into a van. They were all pretty busy, so I had to wait until they’d finished before I could ask what exactly was going on.
Nono. I didn’t want to seem rude. Like I said, they were all busy.
But even when they’d hauled everything I own into this van, none of them would answer my questions - they just ignored me. Terribly rude.
But, in the end, one of them took me back inside to explain everything - or so he said. They all followed us in - and guess what they did?
...
Bloody hell, no. That’s vile.
Sorry, but maybe you shouldn’t guess in the future.
Hmmm ...
But they all beat me up!
I know, terrible business. Just came at me, about five, six, eleven of them - punching and kicking until I blacked out.
And when I came round, they’d taken my trousers as well.
...
Like I said, you probably should just let me tell what happened.
Your contributions have been, thus far, rather vulgar.
Thank you.
Anyway ... all that was left in the house was some of my really old clothes.
Well, I should say first that I used to be really, really fat.
No, not fatter, thank you Mrs ...
... Mrs Lady - not fatter, just fat.
So none of those clothes would fit me. I could only find this one pair of trousers that I had to hold up with these suspenders. They’re Eighties, I think. But that’s back in fashion now, isn’t it?
No.
Right.
Well, you need a certain level of style to pull these colours off.
You’re rather rude, you know?
Oh, you do know. Fine.
Just let me continue ... so, I thought “That’s it! I’ve had enough! The city is not the place for me!” and I drove out here to the country.
I needed to get away for a while. But I was a bit of a mess.
So I got a nice jacket and an old hat from this shop, and some make-up.
Yes. I really was a mess - I needed some serious slap to cover up all the cuts and bruises and blood and pus from my beating.
It’s a lot harder to put on than women make out, especially without a mirror. The foundation went on okay - a little light for my skin, perhaps. I might have overdone it with the eye shadow, though. And the lipstick went a bit haywire.
Your lipstick?
Well, yes, it’s a very nice colour. Although it is quite hard to see under the ... under the, uh ... the ... beard. You know, you can get some wax or cream or something for such female facial hair. Sorts it right out.
...
It’s an attraction?
Erm ... an attraction to whom, exactly?
Really? And children, too, you say?
Oh, they get in cheaper you say.
And so do the OAPs.
‘In’ being where, may I ask? No, no - on second thoughts, I’d rather not know.
No. Thanks.
...
Yeah, sorry. Mental images ...
So I drove out here to the country.
And what do I see but a massive tent set up in this field.
Yeah, right over there.
I don’t know how things work out here, really, but I thought it must be some sort of country thing - they all live around the big tent or something. So I thought I’d park up and look around for somewhere to stay.
I drove into this tent - I think they were having some strange country-person party, there were people sitting all round the edge. Strange.
My reverse-parking’s never been up to much, and what with all the people watching I ... well, I crashed.
I know, terribly embarrassing - and what with my car being so old it all fell apart right there and then. All the doors fell off, and the roof popped off and I was left on the floor holding the steering wheel.
Hmmm ... yes.
They all seemed to find it rather amusing, too. I wasn’t best pleased about that - people laughing at my own misfortune. But I tried to keep my temper and borrowed this chap’s mobile phone so I could call the AA.
Why wouldn’t I be a member?
Don’t look the type? What’s that supposed to mean?
Never mind ... I was trying to get through, but the phone was one of the those really big ones. I don’t know why people buy them - you couldn’t possibly fit it in your pocket.
Well, yes, my pocket perhaps. But that’s where I keep my handkerchiefs.
So I had to keep shouting down the phone to get heard - the mouthpiece was so far away. I don’t about these country folk, because this seemed to make them laugh even more.
I was getting really mad then, ready to put these people in their place.
Well, then this guy came in with a whip.
I didn’t really know what was going on, but I thought I’d better make myself scarce.
Yes - so here I am.
The country seems a pretty strange place, and the people pretty rude - but do you think I’ll fit in.
Good! Great!
Especially since I’m a what, sorry?
A what?
...
Oh no
...
Help!
I’m a clown!
Well, it’s rather a long story ...
Oh. I suppose so, yeah.
Everything started a few days ago. I went out to buy some new shoes...
Yeah, these ones. They look pretty silly, I know - but most shops don’t sell up to size twenty-seven and a half for some reason.
I could only find these ones - all big and red. Squeak occasionally.
No, not at all. I wanted some Nikes, really. Some of those ones without the laces, you know?
So anyway, I made do with these and went off home, reasonably happy.
You’ll never guess what I found...
...
That’s ... quite an imagination you’ve got there. Rather ... disturbing actually.
But no - nothing like that.
I’d been burgled. Or, rather, I was in the process of being burgled.
Yeah, just this bunch of chaps shifting all my stuff out the house into a van. They were all pretty busy, so I had to wait until they’d finished before I could ask what exactly was going on.
Nono. I didn’t want to seem rude. Like I said, they were all busy.
But even when they’d hauled everything I own into this van, none of them would answer my questions - they just ignored me. Terribly rude.
But, in the end, one of them took me back inside to explain everything - or so he said. They all followed us in - and guess what they did?
...
Bloody hell, no. That’s vile.
Sorry, but maybe you shouldn’t guess in the future.
Hmmm ...
But they all beat me up!
I know, terrible business. Just came at me, about five, six, eleven of them - punching and kicking until I blacked out.
And when I came round, they’d taken my trousers as well.
...
Like I said, you probably should just let me tell what happened.
Your contributions have been, thus far, rather vulgar.
Thank you.
Anyway ... all that was left in the house was some of my really old clothes.
Well, I should say first that I used to be really, really fat.
No, not fatter, thank you Mrs ...
... Mrs Lady - not fatter, just fat.
So none of those clothes would fit me. I could only find this one pair of trousers that I had to hold up with these suspenders. They’re Eighties, I think. But that’s back in fashion now, isn’t it?
No.
Right.
Well, you need a certain level of style to pull these colours off.
You’re rather rude, you know?
Oh, you do know. Fine.
Just let me continue ... so, I thought “That’s it! I’ve had enough! The city is not the place for me!” and I drove out here to the country.
I needed to get away for a while. But I was a bit of a mess.
So I got a nice jacket and an old hat from this shop, and some make-up.
Yes. I really was a mess - I needed some serious slap to cover up all the cuts and bruises and blood and pus from my beating.
It’s a lot harder to put on than women make out, especially without a mirror. The foundation went on okay - a little light for my skin, perhaps. I might have overdone it with the eye shadow, though. And the lipstick went a bit haywire.
Your lipstick?
Well, yes, it’s a very nice colour. Although it is quite hard to see under the ... under the, uh ... the ... beard. You know, you can get some wax or cream or something for such female facial hair. Sorts it right out.
...
It’s an attraction?
Erm ... an attraction to whom, exactly?
Really? And children, too, you say?
Oh, they get in cheaper you say.
And so do the OAPs.
‘In’ being where, may I ask? No, no - on second thoughts, I’d rather not know.
No. Thanks.
...
Yeah, sorry. Mental images ...
So I drove out here to the country.
And what do I see but a massive tent set up in this field.
Yeah, right over there.
I don’t know how things work out here, really, but I thought it must be some sort of country thing - they all live around the big tent or something. So I thought I’d park up and look around for somewhere to stay.
I drove into this tent - I think they were having some strange country-person party, there were people sitting all round the edge. Strange.
My reverse-parking’s never been up to much, and what with all the people watching I ... well, I crashed.
I know, terribly embarrassing - and what with my car being so old it all fell apart right there and then. All the doors fell off, and the roof popped off and I was left on the floor holding the steering wheel.
Hmmm ... yes.
They all seemed to find it rather amusing, too. I wasn’t best pleased about that - people laughing at my own misfortune. But I tried to keep my temper and borrowed this chap’s mobile phone so I could call the AA.
Why wouldn’t I be a member?
Don’t look the type? What’s that supposed to mean?
Never mind ... I was trying to get through, but the phone was one of the those really big ones. I don’t know why people buy them - you couldn’t possibly fit it in your pocket.
Well, yes, my pocket perhaps. But that’s where I keep my handkerchiefs.
So I had to keep shouting down the phone to get heard - the mouthpiece was so far away. I don’t about these country folk, because this seemed to make them laugh even more.
I was getting really mad then, ready to put these people in their place.
Well, then this guy came in with a whip.
I didn’t really know what was going on, but I thought I’d better make myself scarce.
Yes - so here I am.
The country seems a pretty strange place, and the people pretty rude - but do you think I’ll fit in.
Good! Great!
Especially since I’m a what, sorry?
A what?
...
Oh no
...
Help!
I’m a clown!
Page:
Good work. I really liked that. very clever. it deserved to win
For some disgusting reason I didn't read this at first, then I forgot I ever intended to read it until Meka popped it. It was actually very good and not all warped like your stuff has been lately.
The style was incredibly effective and not different to things I have dabbled in myself - it's quite a nice writing style to adopt I always find. I think it helps the piece flow much better.
The concept of the story was great though the ending was, shall we say, a bit over-anticipated.
A hefty 9/10 I reckon.
Do more like this, please.
The style was incredibly effective and not different to things I have dabbled in myself - it's quite a nice writing style to adopt I always find. I think it helps the piece flow much better.
The concept of the story was great though the ending was, shall we say, a bit over-anticipated.
A hefty 9/10 I reckon.
Do more like this, please.
I thought this was excellent, made me smile throughout, with great touches of humour. The very concept that one could accidentally become a clown without realising it is hilarious, with the highlight being the car falling to bits.
The delivery with only one side of the dialogue was done very well, as even with the other side of the story it was easy to gather what was being said.
The delivery with only one side of the dialogue was done very well, as even with the other side of the story it was easy to gather what was being said.
Well, he's talking to the Bearded Lady of the circus. But that's pretty obvious. No twists for you, sonny Jim.
Thought it was quite amusing, especially the "vile imagination" but I thought the very end was weak - thought there would be a twist as to who the clown was talking too. Maybe there was one but I was just so thick I didn't see it.
For some reason, this does not compute. Am I malfunctioning?
Not bad. Humourous in places and well written. Another FFF masterpiece.
UW.
UW.
Very enjoyable and contained a good amount of humour.
I liked that.
Talking to some one where they don;t answer but you can guess what they said and the way you blended every thing in with humour too.
Thanks for the good, funny read.
Talking to some one where they don;t answer but you can guess what they said and the way you blended every thing in with humour too.
Thanks for the good, funny read.
:D
That (above) is the sum total of my comment for this piece.
That (above) is the sum total of my comment for this piece.
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