Viewing Thread:
"The Passion of The Christ - A review"

“Hi, I’m Jesus. You may remember me from such films as ‘The Robe’, ‘The Greatest Story Ever Told’ and ‘Yeah, thanks a bunch dad’”
“I’m The Devil. You can tell this by my pasty face and black robe. Mind my snake!”
“I totally stomped your snake Saytan, I’m righteous”
“But you just killed my snake, you stamped on my clumsy symbolism. Oooo you’re in for it now handsome Caucasian”
“Why are these soldiers here Jesus?”
“For slow-motion graphic violence bordering on fetishistic sadism. Put down your weapons”
“He cut my ear off, look at it in close-up gristly detail”
“Gnarly”

“Who is this vagrant you bring before me?”
“Jesus of Nazereth. He says he’s the Messiah, we want to kill him please”
“Why?”
“He says he’s the Messiah. Can we kill him?”
“No, just slap him around a bit in slow-motion and wail a lot, Evil Jews”
“Alright, then can we kill him?”
“Probably. Hey, catch Peter”
“I don’t know this man, I don’t know this man, I don’t know this man”
“Peter you ass, you denied me three times before the c**k crows”
“…you’re right. Damn, I’d best be persecuted by demon children and hang myself because I see a dead donkey”
“Now can we kill him, Boss Evil Jew?”
“Nope, take him to see Commodus”

“I don’t see why you want him dead, Evil Jews”
“Because Commodus, he says he’s the Messiah”
“Are you?”
“Yep”
“…you’re not helping yourself”
“Only God can punish me”
“Oh boy are you ever wrong Handsome Caucasian”
“Kill him!”
“Nope, just scourge him in pornographically explicit detail that lasts for 15 minutes”
“Oh alright”
“Ouch. Argh. Wince. Christ that hurts”
“He stands up? Beat him again with these spiky things. Hit him thirty times on his back and fifteen on his front. Make sure it’s in slow-motion and concentrate on the gleeful enjoyment of the Romans. I want blood spattering the camera, skin being pulled off, broken teeth and implements getting stuck in his flesh. And make sure it’s symbollocks, cut to flashbacks of Jesus having his last supper with his gang and stuff”
“Alright”

“Stop this! I said punish him, not kill him”
“Spoilsport”
“Ok Evil Jews, would you rather I release this totally asskicked wannabe-Messiah or shall I release Barabbas, the crudely drawn caricature of a murderer?”
”Welease Woderick”
“Eh?”
“Barabbas! Barabbas! Kill Jesus! Kill Jesus!”
“See Handsome Caucasian, now you’re in for it. They want crucifixion. Got anything to say?”
“Got any Nurofen?”
“Right then, I order you to be dragged through the streets. For 20 mins. In slow-motion with more beatings and blood dripping and whippings and kickings and stick-smashings. Carry this cross and stumble a lot”
“Ok”

“Help this Handsome Caucasion with his cross”
“I’m innocent!”
“Shuttup. Let several people help him along the way, and let some woman from Turin give him a shroud. A Turin Shroud. Get it?”
“I get it. But he only wipes his face on it, doesn’t the ‘real’ thing have his whole body image including nail-wounded hand and a spear wound in his side?”
”Ssshhhh”
“Ok Messiah, now we’ll nail your hands to the cross in incredibly close-up slow motion”
“But crucifixion was done through the wrists, as depicted in paintings and historical documentation throughout the ages”
“Ssshhh”
“Hoist him! But only after whipping him some more in slow-motion and drenching the entire area in blood and gore”
“Hahahaha Jesus, why don’t you prove yourself the Messiah? Come down from that cross and smite us with great vengeance and fuuuuuuurious anger”
“Forgive them Father”
“That’s it? That’s your Messianic powers? Pfffft. If the best you can do is have a crow pluck the eyes from a doubter, yet allow the Evil Jew Lords to beat your ass for the past 2hrs then, frankly, you’re rubbish”
“They know not what they do”
“Yeah yeah yeah, whatever”
“He’s dead”
“Here comes some storms, truly he was the son of god”
“Freeeeeedommmmmmmmm”

Audience “What was the point of this? We learned nothing of the reasons he was crucified, according to Mel’s vision it was because evil Jews didn’t like him saying he was the King of The Jews? That’s it?”
Mel “It’s art. Didn’t you notice the Aramaic? Art!”
Audience “It showed nothing of his teachings apart from 1 flashback to the Sermon on The Mount. We saw him give the ‘This is my body’ speech to his mates. There was nothing about the word he spread? Nothing about the apparent miracles that marked him as doomed? No 40days in the desert?”
Mel “Blasphemy! Non-Believer!”
Audience “Not at all, I just wanted an indication of what the teachings and word of the lord was about. I thought this was about Christianity and stuff? All I got was 2hrs of fetishistic violence that used the excuse of ‘Religious Art” to allow purile and graphic bloodshed”
Mel “It showed the level of the sacrifice he made. FOR YOU AND ME!”
Audience “No it didn’t, there was no context for this. We saw nothing about why he was persecuted, there were no reasons offered except for some shouting at the start. It was pointless, just an exercise in religo-porno violence”
Mel “BLASPHEMER! JESUS DIED FOR OUR SINS!”
Audience “Not according to your movie. He died because he said he was The Messiah and that’s the only reason.”

Studio “Awesome, religious nuts will buy loads of copies and use this as a recruitment campaign! We’ll get $ from people that usually avoid movies because they think they’re repugnant and filled with sex and violence, which is ironic because this is one of the most explicitly violent films I’ve seen of recent late. Mwahahahaha”
Audience “But this film said nothing, it made no attempt to explain or give reasons as to why a person would let himself be beaten and killed? It was nothing more than a vanity project and propaganda for a flailing, no-longer relevant archaic system of ruling-through-fear”
Mel “NON BELIEVER!”
Audience “Man, and to think people screamed about Martin Scorcese’s ‘Last Temptation of Christ’ simply because of a dream sequence showing how Jesus was tempted whilst on the cross, but withstood and realised his own destiny. This was stupid and a waste of 2hrs, I should have just rented ‘Faces of Death”
Mel "Jesus had sex in that film!!!!!"
Audience "Yes but it provided a reason for Christ to doubt, which in turn only furthered his own convictions in his destiny. Your version just has a bloodied, beaten pulp of a man asking why has he been forsaken. There's just no point of reference or reason given for any of the actions that preceeded or followed. It was just an exercise in brutality. Even Dogma had more of a genuine religious message and understanding behind it. Your movie stinks of Aramaic ass"
Mel "BLASPHEMY!!!"

Haven't seen the film, dont really want to. Great review though!! Loved the Pulp Fiction quote :D

Does it hell.

No more than The Lord of the Rings has "Based on a true story" at the start.

Whitestripes DX wrote:
> Does it have 'Based On A True Story' at the start?

That's teh only thing in this thread that actually made me laugh out loud.

But it's a good question, does it?

Riiiiiigggggssss!

I have to say I enjoyed that review quite a lot.

I have no plans to see this garbage, except maybe to indulge my guilty pleasure of watching blood and gore.

"KICK HIS ASS, SEABASS!"

I actually heard that the sequel would consist of 3 hours worth of Mohammed thrusting a splintered chair leg up Mel Gibson's holiest place whilst chanting "GET it F**KING RIGHT you USELESS aussie NOBJOCKEY!"


Oh, wait...that was a dream wasn't it?

He dies!
Then he comes back!

The sequel "Return of The King" will feature loads of child abuse, crusades, holy wars, inquisitions and all manner of Tarantino-esqe treats.

Goatboy, you really should have put a spoiler warning at the top of your post. I wanted the ending of the film to be a surprise. Like all book to film attempts, it looks like they've missed out all the good bits.

Goatboy wrote:
> “Ok Evil Jews, would you rather I release this totally asskicked wannabe-Messiah or shall
> I release Barabbas, the crudely drawn caricature of a murderer?”
> ”Welease Woderick”
> “Eh?”

I laughed far too loudly at that.

They're really pushing the DVD on christians and churchs. Read a news article on imdb.com the other day. I think that's pretty low.