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Alex Ferguson calls Beckham into his office one Saturday after a dismal performance and asks him what's wrong.
"Er...nothing" says Beckham.
Ferguson writes it off as a bad day and nothing more.
Same thing next week, "Er...it's ok..er..just an off...er...day" says Beckham again.
Ferguson is upset, his star striker is performing badly but leaves it another week.
They lose again, with Beckham standing around and running into the goalposts.
Ferguson brings him into the office and sits him down.
"Look David, what's wrong man? You've been rubbish, what's on your mind?"
Beckham stares at the wall "Er...nothing...just...er...you know"
Ferguson is seething, "No I don't know. Is it Victoria?"
"er...."
"Brooklyn?"
"er...."
"Look David, something is wrong, just tell me and we can fix it"
Beckham looks at Ferguson "It's my jigsaw"
Ferguson is amazed "What?"
"Victoria bought me a jigsaw a month ago and I just can't do it."
Ferguson scratches his head "A jigsaw? You've been performing really badly because of a jigsaw?"
"Er....yeah...it's got a really pretty picture on the box, but I just can't...er...do it. It's doing my head in Boss...it's a tiger...er...doing my head in"
Ferguson stands up and shows Beckham to the door, "Look David, bring it with you next week and we'll sort it out ok?"
Beckham smiles "Yeah...pretty tiger picture...doing my head in" and leaves.
Next week Beckham comes into Fergusons office and empties the pieces out onto the desk.
"See?...nice tiger but I can't do it"
Ferguson brushes the dust from this jacket, stands up looks at his desk
"Beckham, put the Frosties back in the box for f**k sakes"
"Er...nothing" says Beckham.
Ferguson writes it off as a bad day and nothing more.
Same thing next week, "Er...it's ok..er..just an off...er...day" says Beckham again.
Ferguson is upset, his star striker is performing badly but leaves it another week.
They lose again, with Beckham standing around and running into the goalposts.
Ferguson brings him into the office and sits him down.
"Look David, what's wrong man? You've been rubbish, what's on your mind?"
Beckham stares at the wall "Er...nothing...just...er...you know"
Ferguson is seething, "No I don't know. Is it Victoria?"
"er...."
"Brooklyn?"
"er...."
"Look David, something is wrong, just tell me and we can fix it"
Beckham looks at Ferguson "It's my jigsaw"
Ferguson is amazed "What?"
"Victoria bought me a jigsaw a month ago and I just can't do it."
Ferguson scratches his head "A jigsaw? You've been performing really badly because of a jigsaw?"
"Er....yeah...it's got a really pretty picture on the box, but I just can't...er...do it. It's doing my head in Boss...it's a tiger...er...doing my head in"
Ferguson stands up and shows Beckham to the door, "Look David, bring it with you next week and we'll sort it out ok?"
Beckham smiles "Yeah...pretty tiger picture...doing my head in" and leaves.
Next week Beckham comes into Fergusons office and empties the pieces out onto the desk.
"See?...nice tiger but I can't do it"
Ferguson brushes the dust from this jacket, stands up looks at his desk
"Beckham, put the Frosties back in the box for f**k sakes"
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I heard that one before, only it features a blonde instead.
Here's one I got mailed a few weeks ago (which I think I've also heard before with 'blonde' instead of 'Beckham')
------
David Beckham was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. He wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes for Victoria, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, he shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, Beckham turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching himself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots David standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, Beckham sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward him. He takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then he flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Here's one I got mailed a few weeks ago (which I think I've also heard before with 'blonde' instead of 'Beckham')
------
David Beckham was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. He wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes for Victoria, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, he shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, Beckham turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching himself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots David standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, Beckham sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward him. He takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then he flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Just got emailed this. Thought it might fit in:
David Beckham decides to try horseback riding,
even though he has had no
lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse
unassisted and the horse
immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as
Posh stands back in
admiration, but then he begins to slip from the
saddle. In terror he grabs
the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. He tries to throw his
arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down
the side of the horse
anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly
impervious to its slipping rider
Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he
attempts to leap away from the
horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately,
his foot has become
entangled in the stirrup, now he is now at the
mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as his head is struck against the
ground over and over.
Posh stands there frantic, unable to do anything
to help as his head is
battered against the ground. He is mere moments
away from unconsciousness
when to his great fortune.....
The Sainsbury's security guard sees him, leans
over, and unplugs the horse.
David Beckham decides to try horseback riding,
even though he has had no
lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse
unassisted and the horse
immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as
Posh stands back in
admiration, but then he begins to slip from the
saddle. In terror he grabs
the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. He tries to throw his
arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down
the side of the horse
anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly
impervious to its slipping rider
Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he
attempts to leap away from the
horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately,
his foot has become
entangled in the stirrup, now he is now at the
mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as his head is struck against the
ground over and over.
Posh stands there frantic, unable to do anything
to help as his head is
battered against the ground. He is mere moments
away from unconsciousness
when to his great fortune.....
The Sainsbury's security guard sees him, leans
over, and unplugs the horse.
Goatboy, you are responsible for making my wife, Lisa laugh.
As she is still recovering from a major operation laughing hurts.
You made her hurt lots!
Very good joke.
As she is still recovering from a major operation laughing hurts.
You made her hurt lots!
Very good joke.
That joke was OK but nothing special.
Another Tony! Not staff though this one.
Odd though, the jokes seem to match. :-)
Odd though, the jokes seem to match. :-)
Not funny?
Posh and Becks are on the way back from a day trip to London, and get chatting to their chauffer.
"Did you have a good time?" said the chaueffer.
"Yeah, it was great." said Becks. "We had lunch in a really nice restaurant."
"Really?" said the chaueffer." Whereabouts in London?"
"Hmm," said Becks. "Let me think. Name some of the major railway stations in London."
"Ooh," said the chauffer. "Kings Cross, Liverpool Street, Marlyebone, Victoria..."
"That's it!" yelled Becks. "Victoria, what was the name of that restaurant we went to?"
"Did you have a good time?" said the chaueffer.
"Yeah, it was great." said Becks. "We had lunch in a really nice restaurant."
"Really?" said the chaueffer." Whereabouts in London?"
"Hmm," said Becks. "Let me think. Name some of the major railway stations in London."
"Ooh," said the chauffer. "Kings Cross, Liverpool Street, Marlyebone, Victoria..."
"That's it!" yelled Becks. "Victoria, what was the name of that restaurant we went to?"
I like Beckham jokes..... :D
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