The "Creative Writing" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
For those who've not read it: Artemis Part 1
___________________
There was an air of quiet determination in the navigation sub-bridge. Supervisors walked from desk to desk, looking over shoulders to check on the preparations for the forthcoming manoeuvre, but didn't interrupt the operatives at their stations. Carlo Mendes pulled his head away from his monitor screen and craned his neck back. He squeezed his eyes shut, but could still clearly see the bars, figures and images that represented the real-time status of the fusion powered inertia re-alignment engines that were his responsibility. Bony, white knuckles rubbed at his eyeballs while his other hand gently massaged his neck.
What usually tended to be an easy shift had been somewhat intruded upon by a sudden, unexplained order from the Command bridge that the city was to U-turn and head back to Sol. In a ship some 130 cubic miles in size, travelling an equivalent speed of some 2 and a half billion miles an hour, the usual mid-trip quiet might have been forgiven for breaking into outright chaos. That it hadn't was a compliment, Carlo thought to himself, to the extensive crew training required to get anywhere near this sort of post.
Blinking black spots out of his eyes, Carlo breathed deep, and yawned it out again, barely suppressing a noise. Looking back to his monitor, he noticed a small blue icon, flashing passively away in the bottom right corner. He pursed his lips slightly, and sighed quietly. Bo Lindh was calling in ahead of her shift start. He rocked gently forward in his chair and let his thumb fall down on his desk array, accepting the call.
“Morning, Bo” he said, hoping he sounded level and professional. He used his ‘set’ voice. The slight drop of pitch and accent that sounded easier to listen to, yet more authoritative.
“Hi Carlo,” she replied, her voice low and horny like a seductress blowing into her lover’s ear. She wasn’t being charming though, that was just the way she talked. “How’s my favourite workstation today?”
“It’s alright so far. I think every supervisor in Artemis is up here staring over our heads, but everything’s dixie, dixie.”
“That’s good to hear, hun,” she replied, each word slow and deliberate “I’ll be up to set you free in 10 minutes.”
Carlo had a sudden need to purge an image from his thoughts. Bo’s fatless and toned body laid back in a cushioned sofa, long blonde hair playing down over naked breasts, a fingernail playfully touching the lower of a very full pair of soft lips.
“I’ll see you then,” he managed, quietly pleased that he’d held his voice, and not squeaked it down his headset.
“Bye.” She sounded off, and Carlo set about checking over his real-time data. He wasn’t thinking about Bo, no siree.
But then it came back to him again. The lost chance; the only chance. She was everything he could possibly want in a woman, and once she had somehow considered him worthy of her attentions. But a glimpse of breast was as close as he’d got, and now he was firmly entrenched in the ‘just friends’ category. Her voice made his heart pound, and looking at her was torture, yet still the best part of his day. Arrival at Cappella was supposed to be salvation. A transfer to another city-ship, and a chance to forget Bo Lindh and all her unavailable perfection. But now the city was headed back to Sol, the job that was being held for him would be passed to someone else, and Carlo would have to start looking all over again for a way out.
He’d already remote-mailed his direct supervisor. Sabra Thole was a career-driven hard-ass, but she looked after her staff. With any luck she’d be able to facilitate something before they reached Sol. A few minutes passed without much of significance happening on his monitor, when a blue-grey jumpsuit planted its backside on his desk. Steeling himself, Carlo looked up and smiled at the beaming Scandinavian goddess who’d come to take over his shift.
“Hey Bo.” He said, reaching and pulling his headset off.
“Hi babes,” she drawled back, her voice washing over him like a cool breeze. He was thankful his own jumpsuit hid the hairs standing firmly to attention along his arms. He stood up, and stepped aside, a hand gesturing her to take his place.
“She’s all yours,” he said “keep an eye on the gamma particle AG array, it’s been a bit twitchy” She looked up at him as she settled into the chair, beautiful big blue eyes boring into his skull.
“Has it gone amber?”
“No, it’s within tolerance, but just be aware.” He turned to leave “I’ll catch you later, I badly need some shuteye.” Her hand caught him, and he did his best not to twitch at the contact.
“Are you up to a night out later?” she asked, husky and inviting “There’s a big gig in Ruby’s Basement, but my girlfriends can’t make it on short notice.” Carlo realised he must have been frowning, “I don’t like to go alone to these things.”
“Maybe,” replied, gently freeing his hand “call me later and convince me.” His eyes lingered on her just long enough to witness the beginnings of one of her heart-melting smiles before he turned and headed for the travel-chute.
That was all he needed. A night out with Bo, strung along as ‘attention insurance’. If men got too comfy, she’d lean back on Carlo as a subtle ‘back-off’ message. If she couldn’t find someone to screw, she’d dance with him just so she didn’t look lonely. Carlo silently prayed that one of Bo’s friends had a change of heart.
Please, he begged of fate as he stepped into the travel-chute and thumbed the array, stop tormenting me like this.
___________________
There was an air of quiet determination in the navigation sub-bridge. Supervisors walked from desk to desk, looking over shoulders to check on the preparations for the forthcoming manoeuvre, but didn't interrupt the operatives at their stations. Carlo Mendes pulled his head away from his monitor screen and craned his neck back. He squeezed his eyes shut, but could still clearly see the bars, figures and images that represented the real-time status of the fusion powered inertia re-alignment engines that were his responsibility. Bony, white knuckles rubbed at his eyeballs while his other hand gently massaged his neck.
What usually tended to be an easy shift had been somewhat intruded upon by a sudden, unexplained order from the Command bridge that the city was to U-turn and head back to Sol. In a ship some 130 cubic miles in size, travelling an equivalent speed of some 2 and a half billion miles an hour, the usual mid-trip quiet might have been forgiven for breaking into outright chaos. That it hadn't was a compliment, Carlo thought to himself, to the extensive crew training required to get anywhere near this sort of post.
Blinking black spots out of his eyes, Carlo breathed deep, and yawned it out again, barely suppressing a noise. Looking back to his monitor, he noticed a small blue icon, flashing passively away in the bottom right corner. He pursed his lips slightly, and sighed quietly. Bo Lindh was calling in ahead of her shift start. He rocked gently forward in his chair and let his thumb fall down on his desk array, accepting the call.
“Morning, Bo” he said, hoping he sounded level and professional. He used his ‘set’ voice. The slight drop of pitch and accent that sounded easier to listen to, yet more authoritative.
“Hi Carlo,” she replied, her voice low and horny like a seductress blowing into her lover’s ear. She wasn’t being charming though, that was just the way she talked. “How’s my favourite workstation today?”
“It’s alright so far. I think every supervisor in Artemis is up here staring over our heads, but everything’s dixie, dixie.”
“That’s good to hear, hun,” she replied, each word slow and deliberate “I’ll be up to set you free in 10 minutes.”
Carlo had a sudden need to purge an image from his thoughts. Bo’s fatless and toned body laid back in a cushioned sofa, long blonde hair playing down over naked breasts, a fingernail playfully touching the lower of a very full pair of soft lips.
“I’ll see you then,” he managed, quietly pleased that he’d held his voice, and not squeaked it down his headset.
“Bye.” She sounded off, and Carlo set about checking over his real-time data. He wasn’t thinking about Bo, no siree.
But then it came back to him again. The lost chance; the only chance. She was everything he could possibly want in a woman, and once she had somehow considered him worthy of her attentions. But a glimpse of breast was as close as he’d got, and now he was firmly entrenched in the ‘just friends’ category. Her voice made his heart pound, and looking at her was torture, yet still the best part of his day. Arrival at Cappella was supposed to be salvation. A transfer to another city-ship, and a chance to forget Bo Lindh and all her unavailable perfection. But now the city was headed back to Sol, the job that was being held for him would be passed to someone else, and Carlo would have to start looking all over again for a way out.
He’d already remote-mailed his direct supervisor. Sabra Thole was a career-driven hard-ass, but she looked after her staff. With any luck she’d be able to facilitate something before they reached Sol. A few minutes passed without much of significance happening on his monitor, when a blue-grey jumpsuit planted its backside on his desk. Steeling himself, Carlo looked up and smiled at the beaming Scandinavian goddess who’d come to take over his shift.
“Hey Bo.” He said, reaching and pulling his headset off.
“Hi babes,” she drawled back, her voice washing over him like a cool breeze. He was thankful his own jumpsuit hid the hairs standing firmly to attention along his arms. He stood up, and stepped aside, a hand gesturing her to take his place.
“She’s all yours,” he said “keep an eye on the gamma particle AG array, it’s been a bit twitchy” She looked up at him as she settled into the chair, beautiful big blue eyes boring into his skull.
“Has it gone amber?”
“No, it’s within tolerance, but just be aware.” He turned to leave “I’ll catch you later, I badly need some shuteye.” Her hand caught him, and he did his best not to twitch at the contact.
“Are you up to a night out later?” she asked, husky and inviting “There’s a big gig in Ruby’s Basement, but my girlfriends can’t make it on short notice.” Carlo realised he must have been frowning, “I don’t like to go alone to these things.”
“Maybe,” replied, gently freeing his hand “call me later and convince me.” His eyes lingered on her just long enough to witness the beginnings of one of her heart-melting smiles before he turned and headed for the travel-chute.
That was all he needed. A night out with Bo, strung along as ‘attention insurance’. If men got too comfy, she’d lean back on Carlo as a subtle ‘back-off’ message. If she couldn’t find someone to screw, she’d dance with him just so she didn’t look lonely. Carlo silently prayed that one of Bo’s friends had a change of heart.
Please, he begged of fate as he stepped into the travel-chute and thumbed the array, stop tormenting me like this.
I've still yet to read this, judging by the first part, it's something you need to set aside some time for!
There are a number of plotlines which will converge. I'll be introducing a few more characters in the next chapter.
Thanks for your comments. Nice to know I'm vaguely on the right track here.
Thanks for your comments. Nice to know I'm vaguely on the right track here.
> While it is clear to me what these technologies are doing, detailing this at such an early stage is likely to be offputting for the reader. Was this a correct assumption?
I'd say yes. The human aspect is of most importance at the beginning.
To be honest, it's quite difficult to comment, especially at the start of a long story ... the author is the one holding all the cards - the reader is just willing to be swept along. Having said that, I like the sexual tension in Carlo for Bo. Already I feel a smidge of sympathy for him.
Overall, I like the style - it's clear and direct with good detail. Nothing struck me as being false or contrived. The dialogue was natural.
I expect you will be flashing back and forth from Ansley to Carlo until there will be a convergence of some sort?
I'd say yes. The human aspect is of most importance at the beginning.
To be honest, it's quite difficult to comment, especially at the start of a long story ... the author is the one holding all the cards - the reader is just willing to be swept along. Having said that, I like the sexual tension in Carlo for Bo. Already I feel a smidge of sympathy for him.
Overall, I like the style - it's clear and direct with good detail. Nothing struck me as being false or contrived. The dialogue was natural.
I expect you will be flashing back and forth from Ansley to Carlo until there will be a convergence of some sort?
OK, I'll start the ball rolling on this one, since nobody else is, and I fully intend to edit this at some point anyway.
I thought this was ok, given that it was written in little over an hour. Obviously thought had gone into it before I started writing it, but what I like was the evolution of Bo, and her relationship with Carlo. When I started writing, a male was taking over Carlo's shift, and they were good friends. On a whim, I made it a woman, thinking still they would be friends, but that he liked her as more, and perhaps something culd evolve of that later in the story.
But then I just had to unfetter the imagination, because it was beating at the back of my head like a deranged tribal drummer. Unrequited love, a lost opportunity, relegation to the limbo of 'friends', and the torture of having her in his face on a daily basis.
If nothing else, this was a better platform on which to build future interactions, and drive the plot in certain forseen situations (although these may change as I allow the plot itself to evolve as it is written).
However, given the short time I took over writing this, I personally only see what is missing. A descriptive paragraph of Carlo, who I see in my head as athletic, but slightly too slim to be openly physically attractive in a general sense. But he has a quick wit around everyone except Bo, who boggles his mind, and is liked by most people straight away.
A strong social aspect will be vital for later interactions, and if I am to rely on it then, I need to bed these concepts down early on, so they don't upset the unconsciously evolving view of the character by the reader.
I deliberately avoided detailing the technical aspect of things going on here; "fusion powered inertia re-alignment engines" and "gamma particle AG array" being the two main offenders. While it is clear to me what these technologies are doing, detailing this at such an early stage is likely to be offputting for the reader. Was this a correct assumption? More techy details can be divulged slowly over the course of future chapters.
Any thoughts?
I thought this was ok, given that it was written in little over an hour. Obviously thought had gone into it before I started writing it, but what I like was the evolution of Bo, and her relationship with Carlo. When I started writing, a male was taking over Carlo's shift, and they were good friends. On a whim, I made it a woman, thinking still they would be friends, but that he liked her as more, and perhaps something culd evolve of that later in the story.
But then I just had to unfetter the imagination, because it was beating at the back of my head like a deranged tribal drummer. Unrequited love, a lost opportunity, relegation to the limbo of 'friends', and the torture of having her in his face on a daily basis.
If nothing else, this was a better platform on which to build future interactions, and drive the plot in certain forseen situations (although these may change as I allow the plot itself to evolve as it is written).
However, given the short time I took over writing this, I personally only see what is missing. A descriptive paragraph of Carlo, who I see in my head as athletic, but slightly too slim to be openly physically attractive in a general sense. But he has a quick wit around everyone except Bo, who boggles his mind, and is liked by most people straight away.
A strong social aspect will be vital for later interactions, and if I am to rely on it then, I need to bed these concepts down early on, so they don't upset the unconsciously evolving view of the character by the reader.
I deliberately avoided detailing the technical aspect of things going on here; "fusion powered inertia re-alignment engines" and "gamma particle AG array" being the two main offenders. While it is clear to me what these technologies are doing, detailing this at such an early stage is likely to be offputting for the reader. Was this a correct assumption? More techy details can be divulged slowly over the course of future chapters.
Any thoughts?
For those who've not read it: Artemis Part 1
___________________
There was an air of quiet determination in the navigation sub-bridge. Supervisors walked from desk to desk, looking over shoulders to check on the preparations for the forthcoming manoeuvre, but didn't interrupt the operatives at their stations. Carlo Mendes pulled his head away from his monitor screen and craned his neck back. He squeezed his eyes shut, but could still clearly see the bars, figures and images that represented the real-time status of the fusion powered inertia re-alignment engines that were his responsibility. Bony, white knuckles rubbed at his eyeballs while his other hand gently massaged his neck.
What usually tended to be an easy shift had been somewhat intruded upon by a sudden, unexplained order from the Command bridge that the city was to U-turn and head back to Sol. In a ship some 130 cubic miles in size, travelling an equivalent speed of some 2 and a half billion miles an hour, the usual mid-trip quiet might have been forgiven for breaking into outright chaos. That it hadn't was a compliment, Carlo thought to himself, to the extensive crew training required to get anywhere near this sort of post.
Blinking black spots out of his eyes, Carlo breathed deep, and yawned it out again, barely suppressing a noise. Looking back to his monitor, he noticed a small blue icon, flashing passively away in the bottom right corner. He pursed his lips slightly, and sighed quietly. Bo Lindh was calling in ahead of her shift start. He rocked gently forward in his chair and let his thumb fall down on his desk array, accepting the call.
“Morning, Bo” he said, hoping he sounded level and professional. He used his ‘set’ voice. The slight drop of pitch and accent that sounded easier to listen to, yet more authoritative.
“Hi Carlo,” she replied, her voice low and horny like a seductress blowing into her lover’s ear. She wasn’t being charming though, that was just the way she talked. “How’s my favourite workstation today?”
“It’s alright so far. I think every supervisor in Artemis is up here staring over our heads, but everything’s dixie, dixie.”
“That’s good to hear, hun,” she replied, each word slow and deliberate “I’ll be up to set you free in 10 minutes.”
Carlo had a sudden need to purge an image from his thoughts. Bo’s fatless and toned body laid back in a cushioned sofa, long blonde hair playing down over naked breasts, a fingernail playfully touching the lower of a very full pair of soft lips.
“I’ll see you then,” he managed, quietly pleased that he’d held his voice, and not squeaked it down his headset.
“Bye.” She sounded off, and Carlo set about checking over his real-time data. He wasn’t thinking about Bo, no siree.
But then it came back to him again. The lost chance; the only chance. She was everything he could possibly want in a woman, and once she had somehow considered him worthy of her attentions. But a glimpse of breast was as close as he’d got, and now he was firmly entrenched in the ‘just friends’ category. Her voice made his heart pound, and looking at her was torture, yet still the best part of his day. Arrival at Cappella was supposed to be salvation. A transfer to another city-ship, and a chance to forget Bo Lindh and all her unavailable perfection. But now the city was headed back to Sol, the job that was being held for him would be passed to someone else, and Carlo would have to start looking all over again for a way out.
He’d already remote-mailed his direct supervisor. Sabra Thole was a career-driven hard-ass, but she looked after her staff. With any luck she’d be able to facilitate something before they reached Sol. A few minutes passed without much of significance happening on his monitor, when a blue-grey jumpsuit planted its backside on his desk. Steeling himself, Carlo looked up and smiled at the beaming Scandinavian goddess who’d come to take over his shift.
“Hey Bo.” He said, reaching and pulling his headset off.
“Hi babes,” she drawled back, her voice washing over him like a cool breeze. He was thankful his own jumpsuit hid the hairs standing firmly to attention along his arms. He stood up, and stepped aside, a hand gesturing her to take his place.
“She’s all yours,” he said “keep an eye on the gamma particle AG array, it’s been a bit twitchy” She looked up at him as she settled into the chair, beautiful big blue eyes boring into his skull.
“Has it gone amber?”
“No, it’s within tolerance, but just be aware.” He turned to leave “I’ll catch you later, I badly need some shuteye.” Her hand caught him, and he did his best not to twitch at the contact.
“Are you up to a night out later?” she asked, husky and inviting “There’s a big gig in Ruby’s Basement, but my girlfriends can’t make it on short notice.” Carlo realised he must have been frowning, “I don’t like to go alone to these things.”
“Maybe,” replied, gently freeing his hand “call me later and convince me.” His eyes lingered on her just long enough to witness the beginnings of one of her heart-melting smiles before he turned and headed for the travel-chute.
That was all he needed. A night out with Bo, strung along as ‘attention insurance’. If men got too comfy, she’d lean back on Carlo as a subtle ‘back-off’ message. If she couldn’t find someone to screw, she’d dance with him just so she didn’t look lonely. Carlo silently prayed that one of Bo’s friends had a change of heart.
Please, he begged of fate as he stepped into the travel-chute and thumbed the array, stop tormenting me like this.
___________________
There was an air of quiet determination in the navigation sub-bridge. Supervisors walked from desk to desk, looking over shoulders to check on the preparations for the forthcoming manoeuvre, but didn't interrupt the operatives at their stations. Carlo Mendes pulled his head away from his monitor screen and craned his neck back. He squeezed his eyes shut, but could still clearly see the bars, figures and images that represented the real-time status of the fusion powered inertia re-alignment engines that were his responsibility. Bony, white knuckles rubbed at his eyeballs while his other hand gently massaged his neck.
What usually tended to be an easy shift had been somewhat intruded upon by a sudden, unexplained order from the Command bridge that the city was to U-turn and head back to Sol. In a ship some 130 cubic miles in size, travelling an equivalent speed of some 2 and a half billion miles an hour, the usual mid-trip quiet might have been forgiven for breaking into outright chaos. That it hadn't was a compliment, Carlo thought to himself, to the extensive crew training required to get anywhere near this sort of post.
Blinking black spots out of his eyes, Carlo breathed deep, and yawned it out again, barely suppressing a noise. Looking back to his monitor, he noticed a small blue icon, flashing passively away in the bottom right corner. He pursed his lips slightly, and sighed quietly. Bo Lindh was calling in ahead of her shift start. He rocked gently forward in his chair and let his thumb fall down on his desk array, accepting the call.
“Morning, Bo” he said, hoping he sounded level and professional. He used his ‘set’ voice. The slight drop of pitch and accent that sounded easier to listen to, yet more authoritative.
“Hi Carlo,” she replied, her voice low and horny like a seductress blowing into her lover’s ear. She wasn’t being charming though, that was just the way she talked. “How’s my favourite workstation today?”
“It’s alright so far. I think every supervisor in Artemis is up here staring over our heads, but everything’s dixie, dixie.”
“That’s good to hear, hun,” she replied, each word slow and deliberate “I’ll be up to set you free in 10 minutes.”
Carlo had a sudden need to purge an image from his thoughts. Bo’s fatless and toned body laid back in a cushioned sofa, long blonde hair playing down over naked breasts, a fingernail playfully touching the lower of a very full pair of soft lips.
“I’ll see you then,” he managed, quietly pleased that he’d held his voice, and not squeaked it down his headset.
“Bye.” She sounded off, and Carlo set about checking over his real-time data. He wasn’t thinking about Bo, no siree.
But then it came back to him again. The lost chance; the only chance. She was everything he could possibly want in a woman, and once she had somehow considered him worthy of her attentions. But a glimpse of breast was as close as he’d got, and now he was firmly entrenched in the ‘just friends’ category. Her voice made his heart pound, and looking at her was torture, yet still the best part of his day. Arrival at Cappella was supposed to be salvation. A transfer to another city-ship, and a chance to forget Bo Lindh and all her unavailable perfection. But now the city was headed back to Sol, the job that was being held for him would be passed to someone else, and Carlo would have to start looking all over again for a way out.
He’d already remote-mailed his direct supervisor. Sabra Thole was a career-driven hard-ass, but she looked after her staff. With any luck she’d be able to facilitate something before they reached Sol. A few minutes passed without much of significance happening on his monitor, when a blue-grey jumpsuit planted its backside on his desk. Steeling himself, Carlo looked up and smiled at the beaming Scandinavian goddess who’d come to take over his shift.
“Hey Bo.” He said, reaching and pulling his headset off.
“Hi babes,” she drawled back, her voice washing over him like a cool breeze. He was thankful his own jumpsuit hid the hairs standing firmly to attention along his arms. He stood up, and stepped aside, a hand gesturing her to take his place.
“She’s all yours,” he said “keep an eye on the gamma particle AG array, it’s been a bit twitchy” She looked up at him as she settled into the chair, beautiful big blue eyes boring into his skull.
“Has it gone amber?”
“No, it’s within tolerance, but just be aware.” He turned to leave “I’ll catch you later, I badly need some shuteye.” Her hand caught him, and he did his best not to twitch at the contact.
“Are you up to a night out later?” she asked, husky and inviting “There’s a big gig in Ruby’s Basement, but my girlfriends can’t make it on short notice.” Carlo realised he must have been frowning, “I don’t like to go alone to these things.”
“Maybe,” replied, gently freeing his hand “call me later and convince me.” His eyes lingered on her just long enough to witness the beginnings of one of her heart-melting smiles before he turned and headed for the travel-chute.
That was all he needed. A night out with Bo, strung along as ‘attention insurance’. If men got too comfy, she’d lean back on Carlo as a subtle ‘back-off’ message. If she couldn’t find someone to screw, she’d dance with him just so she didn’t look lonely. Carlo silently prayed that one of Bo’s friends had a change of heart.
Please, he begged of fate as he stepped into the travel-chute and thumbed the array, stop tormenting me like this.