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I'm bored. It's the 1st time I've done something like this. This is made up on the spot. I was meant to practice on the DJ decks at someones shop this afternoon to get a demo ready to get a chance to play in one of the clubs in Aberdeen. There seems to a be a carnivalin town and more than half of the shops in the town are shut becuase of it. Oh well, enjoy. Hope you like it.
UW
Intro
The crowd were bloodthirsty. They loved the killing. Pit fighting was kept secret by all who organised the inhuman game. They adored the innocent being ripped into countless pieces, only to hear their cry of pain as something as sweet as honey. All rejoiced in throwing their hands in the air in euphroia. Limbs of the poor contendor, or contendors were given to the malevolent creature in the end of the fight - the creature who ruthlessly took away their life in a senseless manner. The creature was not alien. In a way, it was a compound of a leech and a human: the disfigured face, the immaculate flesh that shone radiantly in the arena light, and the whole sight of it would have made your stomach churn incredibly. No-one knew what it was or who it was, but merely a creature who's destiny was to destroy anything that it thought was a threat to it's 'Master' - Leech. Of course, the monster did not know it's true purpose - it thought that it needed to survive by killing the contendors within the arena. However, one day it was all going to change.
Story
Markus knew it was his day. He prepared mentally and physically everyday for the task he was about to face. His face tired and skin rough, his bravery shone to the guard in which he guided him cruely to the haunted arena. It was only a few minutes later that his first footstep trampled on the blood-infested floor of the pit. Markus gazed at the visible vindictive crowd in which he knew he was going to face. Sword in hand, shield in the other and armour in place, he rambled into the arena only to expect his fate. Leech, the 'Master' of the horrible creature, stood up gracefully and roared:
"I shall expect to see a good fight as this is almost Jizma's 500th battle against such insignificant creatures, such as you, Markus". The crowd laughed as Markus stared at the 'Master's' evil eyes.
Markus mumbled quietly - "So Jizma is the creature that killed everyone...I must do something about it".
He stood upright and stared in terror to the gate that contained the infamous Jizma. The people around him looked excited as they conferred with each in who would win this fateful battle.
A few minutes later, Markus stood there patiently, but stood as though he was frozen solid. Moments later a beautiful, but sinister sounding bell rang ferociusly into everyones ears. The crowd roared in excitement as they knew it was time for the fight they had been waiting for edgily. The powerful guards rose the large robust gate to unleash the creature it held inside. The arena shook devastatingly as Jizma ran out of its prison and screamed piercingly. The crowd threw a euphoria in the air and Markus stepped back in a nervous fit.
"Let it begin!" 'Master' joyfully roared. It had began.
Plot
Markus stood trembling. Jizma approached him with excitement. The crowd dawned upon them with extreme attention. Jizma made the first move by trying to pounce on Markus. Markus, in turn, ran from the skulking Jizma and thrusted his shining sword into it's side. Jizma felt no pain. It threw Markus in the air and he flew severly onto the blood-stained walls of the pit. Markus then felt little trickes of blood lingering down his back as fell viciously off the wall. He knew he couldn't give up.
"What's wrong Markus, can't get up?!" 'Master' laughed, as did the crowd. Markus stoodup vigorously and amazed the onlookers. Markus suddenly realised that his shield was missing and only his sword reamined with him during the assult. Jizma roared inhumanly and shook the pit as it sprinted over to eradicate Markus.
A few nail-bitting seconds later, Markus threw himself onto Jizma's back as he evaded Jizma's attack, which came as a surpirse to 'Master' as no-one could have done something like that. Markus brutally slashed the fascinating, oily back of Jizma. This time, the mammoth felt the pain - the pain of the other valiant contendors had felt during their last, excruciating seconds of their lives. Jizma cried in agonizing pain. The scream went through the peoples' ears deafeningly. The 'master' fell down and crawled to the guard to gain his weapon to finish Markus off just in case he achieved the victory over Jizma. Finally, Jizma stumbled onto the pits floor with blood gushing out on all directions from it's back. Markus knew he had the advantage. The sword he used was take out form the creature's body, then Markus howled:
"This is it, Jizma! You're end has come!". Suddenly, with a blink of an eye, the sword went through the throat like a hot knife through butter. The crowd...surprised and shocked. They, in disbelief, spoke to each other onh oe Markus could defeat. the creature. Jizma lied down helpessly, and suffered incredibly. 'Master' grew in anger as he stared down at the joy on Markus face. Markus knew he had done it. He gave a radiant smile, with his blue eyes shining on the disbelieving crowd. 'Master' flew down on the pit and in pure hatred, shouted
"Markus, you have done well. Know, your fate will truly come from me!" Markus smile faded. He knew it was time to defeat 'Master' once and for all...
UW. (Sorry, no personal description in story. I left the battle betwwn Master and markus to make up on you're because I'm lazy. There maybe mistakes, but still please give your comments. Thank You!)
UW
Intro
The crowd were bloodthirsty. They loved the killing. Pit fighting was kept secret by all who organised the inhuman game. They adored the innocent being ripped into countless pieces, only to hear their cry of pain as something as sweet as honey. All rejoiced in throwing their hands in the air in euphroia. Limbs of the poor contendor, or contendors were given to the malevolent creature in the end of the fight - the creature who ruthlessly took away their life in a senseless manner. The creature was not alien. In a way, it was a compound of a leech and a human: the disfigured face, the immaculate flesh that shone radiantly in the arena light, and the whole sight of it would have made your stomach churn incredibly. No-one knew what it was or who it was, but merely a creature who's destiny was to destroy anything that it thought was a threat to it's 'Master' - Leech. Of course, the monster did not know it's true purpose - it thought that it needed to survive by killing the contendors within the arena. However, one day it was all going to change.
Story
Markus knew it was his day. He prepared mentally and physically everyday for the task he was about to face. His face tired and skin rough, his bravery shone to the guard in which he guided him cruely to the haunted arena. It was only a few minutes later that his first footstep trampled on the blood-infested floor of the pit. Markus gazed at the visible vindictive crowd in which he knew he was going to face. Sword in hand, shield in the other and armour in place, he rambled into the arena only to expect his fate. Leech, the 'Master' of the horrible creature, stood up gracefully and roared:
"I shall expect to see a good fight as this is almost Jizma's 500th battle against such insignificant creatures, such as you, Markus". The crowd laughed as Markus stared at the 'Master's' evil eyes.
Markus mumbled quietly - "So Jizma is the creature that killed everyone...I must do something about it".
He stood upright and stared in terror to the gate that contained the infamous Jizma. The people around him looked excited as they conferred with each in who would win this fateful battle.
A few minutes later, Markus stood there patiently, but stood as though he was frozen solid. Moments later a beautiful, but sinister sounding bell rang ferociusly into everyones ears. The crowd roared in excitement as they knew it was time for the fight they had been waiting for edgily. The powerful guards rose the large robust gate to unleash the creature it held inside. The arena shook devastatingly as Jizma ran out of its prison and screamed piercingly. The crowd threw a euphoria in the air and Markus stepped back in a nervous fit.
"Let it begin!" 'Master' joyfully roared. It had began.
Plot
Markus stood trembling. Jizma approached him with excitement. The crowd dawned upon them with extreme attention. Jizma made the first move by trying to pounce on Markus. Markus, in turn, ran from the skulking Jizma and thrusted his shining sword into it's side. Jizma felt no pain. It threw Markus in the air and he flew severly onto the blood-stained walls of the pit. Markus then felt little trickes of blood lingering down his back as fell viciously off the wall. He knew he couldn't give up.
"What's wrong Markus, can't get up?!" 'Master' laughed, as did the crowd. Markus stoodup vigorously and amazed the onlookers. Markus suddenly realised that his shield was missing and only his sword reamined with him during the assult. Jizma roared inhumanly and shook the pit as it sprinted over to eradicate Markus.
A few nail-bitting seconds later, Markus threw himself onto Jizma's back as he evaded Jizma's attack, which came as a surpirse to 'Master' as no-one could have done something like that. Markus brutally slashed the fascinating, oily back of Jizma. This time, the mammoth felt the pain - the pain of the other valiant contendors had felt during their last, excruciating seconds of their lives. Jizma cried in agonizing pain. The scream went through the peoples' ears deafeningly. The 'master' fell down and crawled to the guard to gain his weapon to finish Markus off just in case he achieved the victory over Jizma. Finally, Jizma stumbled onto the pits floor with blood gushing out on all directions from it's back. Markus knew he had the advantage. The sword he used was take out form the creature's body, then Markus howled:
"This is it, Jizma! You're end has come!". Suddenly, with a blink of an eye, the sword went through the throat like a hot knife through butter. The crowd...surprised and shocked. They, in disbelief, spoke to each other onh oe Markus could defeat. the creature. Jizma lied down helpessly, and suffered incredibly. 'Master' grew in anger as he stared down at the joy on Markus face. Markus knew he had done it. He gave a radiant smile, with his blue eyes shining on the disbelieving crowd. 'Master' flew down on the pit and in pure hatred, shouted
"Markus, you have done well. Know, your fate will truly come from me!" Markus smile faded. He knew it was time to defeat 'Master' once and for all...
UW. (Sorry, no personal description in story. I left the battle betwwn Master and markus to make up on you're because I'm lazy. There maybe mistakes, but still please give your comments. Thank You!)
Thanks.
Good story, as for you first entry, great.
Only problems were a few grammatical errors and the dialogue was slightly cliched. Good work, though.
Only problems were a few grammatical errors and the dialogue was slightly cliched. Good work, though.
Thank you. I appreciate you correcting/amending the first paragraph.
UW.
UW.
This certainly has it's moments, and for a first attempt it's impressive.
One thing though, and I'll use the first paragraph as an example.
See these first three sentences, they're telling us information:
> The crowd were bloodthirsty. They loved the killing. Pit fighting was
> kept secret by all who organised the inhuman game.
This next part, however, is showing us that the crowd are bloodthirsty, that they love the killing.
> They adored the innocent being ripped into countless pieces, only to
> hear their cry of pain as something as sweet as honey. All rejoiced in
> throwing their hands in the air in euphroia.
You don't really need the lines that go before this, if you start with "The crowd adored..." it would be a great start. Where you're showing us the action, it's very good indeed.
One thing though, and I'll use the first paragraph as an example.
See these first three sentences, they're telling us information:
> The crowd were bloodthirsty. They loved the killing. Pit fighting was
> kept secret by all who organised the inhuman game.
This next part, however, is showing us that the crowd are bloodthirsty, that they love the killing.
> They adored the innocent being ripped into countless pieces, only to
> hear their cry of pain as something as sweet as honey. All rejoiced in
> throwing their hands in the air in euphroia.
You don't really need the lines that go before this, if you start with "The crowd adored..." it would be a great start. Where you're showing us the action, it's very good indeed.
Thanks. Damn it, it has some strange stuff in it too. The last few paragraphs were done in a rush and I didn't quite look over the story once it had been finished.
UW.
UW.
For the first time you've ever written something like this, that was amazing. Shows great potential for stories to come (which, I hope, they will).
A few strange things, like:
"trampled on the blood-infested floor"
Blood-infested isn't right.
At least, not to me.
A few strange things, like:
"trampled on the blood-infested floor"
Blood-infested isn't right.
At least, not to me.
Cheers. I know what you mean, mate, but I was in rush to get my tea ready.
UW.
UW.
Very different to all the current entries. And for your first attempt very impressive. I'm not to sure about the ending where Markus knows he will have to face the Master next as it feels kinda fake if you know what I mean. But overall a very good piece.
I'm bored. It's the 1st time I've done something like this. This is made up on the spot. I was meant to practice on the DJ decks at someones shop this afternoon to get a demo ready to get a chance to play in one of the clubs in Aberdeen. There seems to a be a carnivalin town and more than half of the shops in the town are shut becuase of it. Oh well, enjoy. Hope you like it.
UW
Intro
The crowd were bloodthirsty. They loved the killing. Pit fighting was kept secret by all who organised the inhuman game. They adored the innocent being ripped into countless pieces, only to hear their cry of pain as something as sweet as honey. All rejoiced in throwing their hands in the air in euphroia. Limbs of the poor contendor, or contendors were given to the malevolent creature in the end of the fight - the creature who ruthlessly took away their life in a senseless manner. The creature was not alien. In a way, it was a compound of a leech and a human: the disfigured face, the immaculate flesh that shone radiantly in the arena light, and the whole sight of it would have made your stomach churn incredibly. No-one knew what it was or who it was, but merely a creature who's destiny was to destroy anything that it thought was a threat to it's 'Master' - Leech. Of course, the monster did not know it's true purpose - it thought that it needed to survive by killing the contendors within the arena. However, one day it was all going to change.
Story
Markus knew it was his day. He prepared mentally and physically everyday for the task he was about to face. His face tired and skin rough, his bravery shone to the guard in which he guided him cruely to the haunted arena. It was only a few minutes later that his first footstep trampled on the blood-infested floor of the pit. Markus gazed at the visible vindictive crowd in which he knew he was going to face. Sword in hand, shield in the other and armour in place, he rambled into the arena only to expect his fate. Leech, the 'Master' of the horrible creature, stood up gracefully and roared:
"I shall expect to see a good fight as this is almost Jizma's 500th battle against such insignificant creatures, such as you, Markus". The crowd laughed as Markus stared at the 'Master's' evil eyes.
Markus mumbled quietly - "So Jizma is the creature that killed everyone...I must do something about it".
He stood upright and stared in terror to the gate that contained the infamous Jizma. The people around him looked excited as they conferred with each in who would win this fateful battle.
A few minutes later, Markus stood there patiently, but stood as though he was frozen solid. Moments later a beautiful, but sinister sounding bell rang ferociusly into everyones ears. The crowd roared in excitement as they knew it was time for the fight they had been waiting for edgily. The powerful guards rose the large robust gate to unleash the creature it held inside. The arena shook devastatingly as Jizma ran out of its prison and screamed piercingly. The crowd threw a euphoria in the air and Markus stepped back in a nervous fit.
"Let it begin!" 'Master' joyfully roared. It had began.
Plot
Markus stood trembling. Jizma approached him with excitement. The crowd dawned upon them with extreme attention. Jizma made the first move by trying to pounce on Markus. Markus, in turn, ran from the skulking Jizma and thrusted his shining sword into it's side. Jizma felt no pain. It threw Markus in the air and he flew severly onto the blood-stained walls of the pit. Markus then felt little trickes of blood lingering down his back as fell viciously off the wall. He knew he couldn't give up.
"What's wrong Markus, can't get up?!" 'Master' laughed, as did the crowd. Markus stoodup vigorously and amazed the onlookers. Markus suddenly realised that his shield was missing and only his sword reamined with him during the assult. Jizma roared inhumanly and shook the pit as it sprinted over to eradicate Markus.
A few nail-bitting seconds later, Markus threw himself onto Jizma's back as he evaded Jizma's attack, which came as a surpirse to 'Master' as no-one could have done something like that. Markus brutally slashed the fascinating, oily back of Jizma. This time, the mammoth felt the pain - the pain of the other valiant contendors had felt during their last, excruciating seconds of their lives. Jizma cried in agonizing pain. The scream went through the peoples' ears deafeningly. The 'master' fell down and crawled to the guard to gain his weapon to finish Markus off just in case he achieved the victory over Jizma. Finally, Jizma stumbled onto the pits floor with blood gushing out on all directions from it's back. Markus knew he had the advantage. The sword he used was take out form the creature's body, then Markus howled:
"This is it, Jizma! You're end has come!". Suddenly, with a blink of an eye, the sword went through the throat like a hot knife through butter. The crowd...surprised and shocked. They, in disbelief, spoke to each other onh oe Markus could defeat. the creature. Jizma lied down helpessly, and suffered incredibly. 'Master' grew in anger as he stared down at the joy on Markus face. Markus knew he had done it. He gave a radiant smile, with his blue eyes shining on the disbelieving crowd. 'Master' flew down on the pit and in pure hatred, shouted
"Markus, you have done well. Know, your fate will truly come from me!" Markus smile faded. He knew it was time to defeat 'Master' once and for all...
UW. (Sorry, no personal description in story. I left the battle betwwn Master and markus to make up on you're because I'm lazy. There maybe mistakes, but still please give your comments. Thank You!)
UW
Intro
The crowd were bloodthirsty. They loved the killing. Pit fighting was kept secret by all who organised the inhuman game. They adored the innocent being ripped into countless pieces, only to hear their cry of pain as something as sweet as honey. All rejoiced in throwing their hands in the air in euphroia. Limbs of the poor contendor, or contendors were given to the malevolent creature in the end of the fight - the creature who ruthlessly took away their life in a senseless manner. The creature was not alien. In a way, it was a compound of a leech and a human: the disfigured face, the immaculate flesh that shone radiantly in the arena light, and the whole sight of it would have made your stomach churn incredibly. No-one knew what it was or who it was, but merely a creature who's destiny was to destroy anything that it thought was a threat to it's 'Master' - Leech. Of course, the monster did not know it's true purpose - it thought that it needed to survive by killing the contendors within the arena. However, one day it was all going to change.
Story
Markus knew it was his day. He prepared mentally and physically everyday for the task he was about to face. His face tired and skin rough, his bravery shone to the guard in which he guided him cruely to the haunted arena. It was only a few minutes later that his first footstep trampled on the blood-infested floor of the pit. Markus gazed at the visible vindictive crowd in which he knew he was going to face. Sword in hand, shield in the other and armour in place, he rambled into the arena only to expect his fate. Leech, the 'Master' of the horrible creature, stood up gracefully and roared:
"I shall expect to see a good fight as this is almost Jizma's 500th battle against such insignificant creatures, such as you, Markus". The crowd laughed as Markus stared at the 'Master's' evil eyes.
Markus mumbled quietly - "So Jizma is the creature that killed everyone...I must do something about it".
He stood upright and stared in terror to the gate that contained the infamous Jizma. The people around him looked excited as they conferred with each in who would win this fateful battle.
A few minutes later, Markus stood there patiently, but stood as though he was frozen solid. Moments later a beautiful, but sinister sounding bell rang ferociusly into everyones ears. The crowd roared in excitement as they knew it was time for the fight they had been waiting for edgily. The powerful guards rose the large robust gate to unleash the creature it held inside. The arena shook devastatingly as Jizma ran out of its prison and screamed piercingly. The crowd threw a euphoria in the air and Markus stepped back in a nervous fit.
"Let it begin!" 'Master' joyfully roared. It had began.
Plot
Markus stood trembling. Jizma approached him with excitement. The crowd dawned upon them with extreme attention. Jizma made the first move by trying to pounce on Markus. Markus, in turn, ran from the skulking Jizma and thrusted his shining sword into it's side. Jizma felt no pain. It threw Markus in the air and he flew severly onto the blood-stained walls of the pit. Markus then felt little trickes of blood lingering down his back as fell viciously off the wall. He knew he couldn't give up.
"What's wrong Markus, can't get up?!" 'Master' laughed, as did the crowd. Markus stoodup vigorously and amazed the onlookers. Markus suddenly realised that his shield was missing and only his sword reamined with him during the assult. Jizma roared inhumanly and shook the pit as it sprinted over to eradicate Markus.
A few nail-bitting seconds later, Markus threw himself onto Jizma's back as he evaded Jizma's attack, which came as a surpirse to 'Master' as no-one could have done something like that. Markus brutally slashed the fascinating, oily back of Jizma. This time, the mammoth felt the pain - the pain of the other valiant contendors had felt during their last, excruciating seconds of their lives. Jizma cried in agonizing pain. The scream went through the peoples' ears deafeningly. The 'master' fell down and crawled to the guard to gain his weapon to finish Markus off just in case he achieved the victory over Jizma. Finally, Jizma stumbled onto the pits floor with blood gushing out on all directions from it's back. Markus knew he had the advantage. The sword he used was take out form the creature's body, then Markus howled:
"This is it, Jizma! You're end has come!". Suddenly, with a blink of an eye, the sword went through the throat like a hot knife through butter. The crowd...surprised and shocked. They, in disbelief, spoke to each other onh oe Markus could defeat. the creature. Jizma lied down helpessly, and suffered incredibly. 'Master' grew in anger as he stared down at the joy on Markus face. Markus knew he had done it. He gave a radiant smile, with his blue eyes shining on the disbelieving crowd. 'Master' flew down on the pit and in pure hatred, shouted
"Markus, you have done well. Know, your fate will truly come from me!" Markus smile faded. He knew it was time to defeat 'Master' once and for all...
UW. (Sorry, no personal description in story. I left the battle betwwn Master and markus to make up on you're because I'm lazy. There maybe mistakes, but still please give your comments. Thank You!)