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The stellar ship Jumblears landed on the green marshy planet, its feet squelching into the soft marsh below as it finally came to rest.
“Excellent landing lieutenant.” Said Captain Kern. He tried to make it sound sincere, despite his hatred of having to land on yet another swampy planet with no sign of any beautiful women. He had already inspected every female officer’s cabin on the ship, except the cook who was the most feared battleaxe this side of Alpha Centuri. “Gloria, fetch some coffee, and breakfast. I want to be prepared before we step outside.”
Gloria mumbled and went to fetch the breakfast, she was fed up with being the one who always fetched things, being a gopher was not her idea of a job on a spaceship. She’d joined to see planets and meet new (and hopefully handsome) alien races, not to mention the free air miles.
The landing team prepared themselves with the standard issue rubber boots and gloves. The Captain was always slightly sceptical about having to wear the gloves, but his first mate, Howie, insisted they were for protection from the germs of the planet.
“Now,” said Howie in his usual camp voice, “Please remember not to eat all of your lunch before we get to the space station. I only packed enough boiled eggs for one journey, and that includes you, Bob.”
Bob was the engineer, his rotund form made it a little difficult climbing ladders, but other than that he was pretty handy at hot-wiring space shuttles and good to have around when you needed to make weapons out of any old junk that was lying around.
They stepped on the transporter and went wibbly while sound effect no.5 played in the background. In about 2.5 seconds they found themselves on the marsh planet and proceeded to make their way to the station.
Meanwhile, another, altogether more sinister form made its way through the trees to the same destination, a little to the left and just in front of the party. It didn’t really understand why a party had followed it and was annoyed that the conga line was disrupting its approach, but still it trudged through the trees.
“Captain” called out Corporal Brass. He was the scientific officer of the team, but Captain Kern was sceptical as to how he got his position, it wasn’t through his scientific knowledge, that was for sure. “There’s a fluctuation in the little wibbly thing on my monitor. I think it means something is following us.”
“Firstly, Brass, that wibbly thing is the chord that is supposed to go around your neck to stop your instrument from falling off, and secondly, I know we are being followed because the sound of someone blowing a party horn and loud drunken singing is very hard to ignore.”
The other officers nodded in agreement and they carried on.
The stealthy figure, which is not yet being named due in part to the build up in the story and also because the author’s imagination hasn’t, as yet, thought of where this is leading, ditched the party and headed up the hill, which was lucky because it was actually much shorter than taking the other route and allowed the figure to reach the station before the landing party, or the other party.
Before long the landing party reached the station. They were only too pleased to take of their boots and change into the space slippers which they’d packed in their space rucksacks. The Captain looked around at the sight which greeted him.
“Hm. Doesn’t look like anyone’s cleaned for a while.” He said, scraping his gloved hand across a white surface and showing everyone the dusty finger.
“Oh, be careful sir!” lisped Howie, “You don’t know what that is, it could have aaaall types of germs and whatnot.”
The captain continued through the corridor, more and more dust causing everyone to sneeze as they walked through the maze of high beamed arches and steel flooring. They finally reached the control room and set to work dusting off the buttons and controls.
As the Kern took in the view from the control room’s large triple glazed window, the door slid open and a figure emerged.
“Well, well, well. If it’s isn’t Captain Kern.” Said the old man, a thin old thing with a walking stick and large red eyes.
“Peterson. How are you? And why is this place such a mess?” Asked the Captain.
“Well, you can’t get the staff these days and all the crew of the station have been out celebrating since we got the last shipment of Venusian Rum. There’s only been me to clean the place, and what with my back…”
“Yes, I’m surprised there hasn’t been a replacement yet. Where does all this dust come from?”
“I don’t know. It seems even swamp planets get dusty, even with this level of moisture in the air.” He put his hand under his armpit and squeezed, making a rasping sound to demonstrate.
“hm, thank you Peterson. I think we should get Earth to send you a replacement as soon as possible.”
The crew soon got busy with the dusters and Kern went to check on the engine room with Bob.
“It’s too old, capt’n” said Bob, “She’s nea gonna go.”
“Bob. It’s a light switch, and why are you talking in that ridiculous accent?”
“Sorry, boss.” Said Bob and banged the switch one last time, causing a dozen striplights to buzz on, illuminating the room. “There, it was a lose wire.”
“Yes, I sometimes wonder if it is.” He said, looking at Bob.
A scream caused them both to run back into the corridor. Peterson was lying on the floor, his body had been charred.
“What happened here?” he asked.
A young cadet stood shaking in her slippers. “I came around the corner and saw this…this creature attacking Peterson. It vanished around there.”
Kern motioned to two guards, who were helpfully standing nearby after having luckily just swung around the corner on their way to somewhere which didn’t involve any danger. Unfortunately, it wasn’t lucky for them, as any spaceship guard officer will tell you that the safest place to be is never around your captain in times of peril, it always ended up with someone getting killed, and it was usually you.
They rounded another, similarly decorated corner to find a huge hairy creature with a flamethrower.
“Put that thing down at once. We have you surrounded.”
“But…sir…”
“Quiet officer.” Replied Kern, “And you, back away and put the flamethrower down, or we’ll fire.”
The monster just growled and took a step nearer. “mmmphmmmhph”
Kern span around to him men. “Fire at that thing!” he ordered.
“But that’s just it, sir, we haven’t got our guns.” Said the first guard.
“We could dust it to death?” replied the other one helpfully, holding out a duster.
Kern turned away from the monster.
“I think we should run then.” He whispered, before legging it as fast as he could.
As they skidded around the next corner, Kern heard one of the guards cry out. He didn’t stop running, but as they turned the next corner, he bumped right in to the party which had just entered the station and were trying to hold on to the walls for support.
A few seconds later, the hairy form of the monster rounded the corner, rather slowly due to the flame thrower. Kern looked up into the dark recess with formed its face.
“nnerrgghhhhmmmmph.” It growled. “Nrggmmmpphhhstupidfffmmph.”
“Don’t come any closer.” Said Kern as he tried to hide behind one of his guards. “What do you want?”
The monster just motioned to it’s mouth, or where Kern thought its mouth should be. “Mrrrrrggghhbloodysuitofffffmmmee…” it said, getting more and more irate.
Kern sat there, sweat dripping from his face as he faced certain death.
At last it brought its large hands up in one defiant move and struggled as if trying to tear its own head off. The fur moved and the monster pulled down the hood to reveal….Gloria.
“Thanks very much!” she said, spitting out fur from her mouth. “You leave without your breakfast, after I’ve gone to all the trouble to make it, you don’t even leave me a decent away team suit to wear and I have to use this old bloody polar suit with the sticky zip. It’s been another crappy day and to top it all you never treat me with any respect….”
“Bu…” started the Captain, but he was cut off before he could say any more.
“And you don’t even try to sleep with me. I mean what do I have to do, eh? It’s not that I’d want a fat lump like you on top of me or anything, but you could at least TRY. Well, I quit, I’m going home to find another ship where the captain appreciates me.”
“But…the….I mean….Pearson….”
“Oh, that…” she said, blushing, as Pearson hobbled around the corner.
“Sorry about that captain,” said Pearson, dusting himself down from the charcoaled suit. “Gloria was just helping me light the furnace and it backfired, we have to use the flamethrower these days because you just can't get any good firelighters in space. Lucky I always wear my thermal underwear, eh?” He chuckled.
“Well.” Said Howie, clapping his hands together. “I think it’s time for tea and space crumpets all round.”
The End.
“Excellent landing lieutenant.” Said Captain Kern. He tried to make it sound sincere, despite his hatred of having to land on yet another swampy planet with no sign of any beautiful women. He had already inspected every female officer’s cabin on the ship, except the cook who was the most feared battleaxe this side of Alpha Centuri. “Gloria, fetch some coffee, and breakfast. I want to be prepared before we step outside.”
Gloria mumbled and went to fetch the breakfast, she was fed up with being the one who always fetched things, being a gopher was not her idea of a job on a spaceship. She’d joined to see planets and meet new (and hopefully handsome) alien races, not to mention the free air miles.
The landing team prepared themselves with the standard issue rubber boots and gloves. The Captain was always slightly sceptical about having to wear the gloves, but his first mate, Howie, insisted they were for protection from the germs of the planet.
“Now,” said Howie in his usual camp voice, “Please remember not to eat all of your lunch before we get to the space station. I only packed enough boiled eggs for one journey, and that includes you, Bob.”
Bob was the engineer, his rotund form made it a little difficult climbing ladders, but other than that he was pretty handy at hot-wiring space shuttles and good to have around when you needed to make weapons out of any old junk that was lying around.
They stepped on the transporter and went wibbly while sound effect no.5 played in the background. In about 2.5 seconds they found themselves on the marsh planet and proceeded to make their way to the station.
Meanwhile, another, altogether more sinister form made its way through the trees to the same destination, a little to the left and just in front of the party. It didn’t really understand why a party had followed it and was annoyed that the conga line was disrupting its approach, but still it trudged through the trees.
“Captain” called out Corporal Brass. He was the scientific officer of the team, but Captain Kern was sceptical as to how he got his position, it wasn’t through his scientific knowledge, that was for sure. “There’s a fluctuation in the little wibbly thing on my monitor. I think it means something is following us.”
“Firstly, Brass, that wibbly thing is the chord that is supposed to go around your neck to stop your instrument from falling off, and secondly, I know we are being followed because the sound of someone blowing a party horn and loud drunken singing is very hard to ignore.”
The other officers nodded in agreement and they carried on.
The stealthy figure, which is not yet being named due in part to the build up in the story and also because the author’s imagination hasn’t, as yet, thought of where this is leading, ditched the party and headed up the hill, which was lucky because it was actually much shorter than taking the other route and allowed the figure to reach the station before the landing party, or the other party.
Before long the landing party reached the station. They were only too pleased to take of their boots and change into the space slippers which they’d packed in their space rucksacks. The Captain looked around at the sight which greeted him.
“Hm. Doesn’t look like anyone’s cleaned for a while.” He said, scraping his gloved hand across a white surface and showing everyone the dusty finger.
“Oh, be careful sir!” lisped Howie, “You don’t know what that is, it could have aaaall types of germs and whatnot.”
The captain continued through the corridor, more and more dust causing everyone to sneeze as they walked through the maze of high beamed arches and steel flooring. They finally reached the control room and set to work dusting off the buttons and controls.
As the Kern took in the view from the control room’s large triple glazed window, the door slid open and a figure emerged.
“Well, well, well. If it’s isn’t Captain Kern.” Said the old man, a thin old thing with a walking stick and large red eyes.
“Peterson. How are you? And why is this place such a mess?” Asked the Captain.
“Well, you can’t get the staff these days and all the crew of the station have been out celebrating since we got the last shipment of Venusian Rum. There’s only been me to clean the place, and what with my back…”
“Yes, I’m surprised there hasn’t been a replacement yet. Where does all this dust come from?”
“I don’t know. It seems even swamp planets get dusty, even with this level of moisture in the air.” He put his hand under his armpit and squeezed, making a rasping sound to demonstrate.
“hm, thank you Peterson. I think we should get Earth to send you a replacement as soon as possible.”
The crew soon got busy with the dusters and Kern went to check on the engine room with Bob.
“It’s too old, capt’n” said Bob, “She’s nea gonna go.”
“Bob. It’s a light switch, and why are you talking in that ridiculous accent?”
“Sorry, boss.” Said Bob and banged the switch one last time, causing a dozen striplights to buzz on, illuminating the room. “There, it was a lose wire.”
“Yes, I sometimes wonder if it is.” He said, looking at Bob.
A scream caused them both to run back into the corridor. Peterson was lying on the floor, his body had been charred.
“What happened here?” he asked.
A young cadet stood shaking in her slippers. “I came around the corner and saw this…this creature attacking Peterson. It vanished around there.”
Kern motioned to two guards, who were helpfully standing nearby after having luckily just swung around the corner on their way to somewhere which didn’t involve any danger. Unfortunately, it wasn’t lucky for them, as any spaceship guard officer will tell you that the safest place to be is never around your captain in times of peril, it always ended up with someone getting killed, and it was usually you.
They rounded another, similarly decorated corner to find a huge hairy creature with a flamethrower.
“Put that thing down at once. We have you surrounded.”
“But…sir…”
“Quiet officer.” Replied Kern, “And you, back away and put the flamethrower down, or we’ll fire.”
The monster just growled and took a step nearer. “mmmphmmmhph”
Kern span around to him men. “Fire at that thing!” he ordered.
“But that’s just it, sir, we haven’t got our guns.” Said the first guard.
“We could dust it to death?” replied the other one helpfully, holding out a duster.
Kern turned away from the monster.
“I think we should run then.” He whispered, before legging it as fast as he could.
As they skidded around the next corner, Kern heard one of the guards cry out. He didn’t stop running, but as they turned the next corner, he bumped right in to the party which had just entered the station and were trying to hold on to the walls for support.
A few seconds later, the hairy form of the monster rounded the corner, rather slowly due to the flame thrower. Kern looked up into the dark recess with formed its face.
“nnerrgghhhhmmmmph.” It growled. “Nrggmmmpphhhstupidfffmmph.”
“Don’t come any closer.” Said Kern as he tried to hide behind one of his guards. “What do you want?”
The monster just motioned to it’s mouth, or where Kern thought its mouth should be. “Mrrrrrggghhbloodysuitofffffmmmee…” it said, getting more and more irate.
Kern sat there, sweat dripping from his face as he faced certain death.
At last it brought its large hands up in one defiant move and struggled as if trying to tear its own head off. The fur moved and the monster pulled down the hood to reveal….Gloria.
“Thanks very much!” she said, spitting out fur from her mouth. “You leave without your breakfast, after I’ve gone to all the trouble to make it, you don’t even leave me a decent away team suit to wear and I have to use this old bloody polar suit with the sticky zip. It’s been another crappy day and to top it all you never treat me with any respect….”
“Bu…” started the Captain, but he was cut off before he could say any more.
“And you don’t even try to sleep with me. I mean what do I have to do, eh? It’s not that I’d want a fat lump like you on top of me or anything, but you could at least TRY. Well, I quit, I’m going home to find another ship where the captain appreciates me.”
“But…the….I mean….Pearson….”
“Oh, that…” she said, blushing, as Pearson hobbled around the corner.
“Sorry about that captain,” said Pearson, dusting himself down from the charcoaled suit. “Gloria was just helping me light the furnace and it backfired, we have to use the flamethrower these days because you just can't get any good firelighters in space. Lucky I always wear my thermal underwear, eh?” He chuckled.
“Well.” Said Howie, clapping his hands together. “I think it’s time for tea and space crumpets all round.”
The End.
I enjoyed that. Not majorly, but it was fun.
Perhaps my level of amusement doesn't peak above homoinnuendo.
Perhaps my level of amusement doesn't peak above homoinnuendo.
:D
... but what happened to the flamethrower?
... but what happened to the flamethrower?
Reminded me of the Fog Stories. :D Good stuff Pb
Hic, The Starship Enterprise gone wrong. Enjoyed it.
Very light hearted and generally an all round good read. I thought the opening, where you smoothly described all team members of the ship, led to me really being able to visualise the whole setting. As it got further on it became more difficult, but still flowed reasonably well.
An enjoyable piece with some minor imperfections but amused me greatly. Thumbs up.
An enjoyable piece with some minor imperfections but amused me greatly. Thumbs up.
The stellar ship Jumblears landed on the green marshy planet, its feet squelching into the soft marsh below as it finally came to rest.
“Excellent landing lieutenant.” Said Captain Kern. He tried to make it sound sincere, despite his hatred of having to land on yet another swampy planet with no sign of any beautiful women. He had already inspected every female officer’s cabin on the ship, except the cook who was the most feared battleaxe this side of Alpha Centuri. “Gloria, fetch some coffee, and breakfast. I want to be prepared before we step outside.”
Gloria mumbled and went to fetch the breakfast, she was fed up with being the one who always fetched things, being a gopher was not her idea of a job on a spaceship. She’d joined to see planets and meet new (and hopefully handsome) alien races, not to mention the free air miles.
The landing team prepared themselves with the standard issue rubber boots and gloves. The Captain was always slightly sceptical about having to wear the gloves, but his first mate, Howie, insisted they were for protection from the germs of the planet.
“Now,” said Howie in his usual camp voice, “Please remember not to eat all of your lunch before we get to the space station. I only packed enough boiled eggs for one journey, and that includes you, Bob.”
Bob was the engineer, his rotund form made it a little difficult climbing ladders, but other than that he was pretty handy at hot-wiring space shuttles and good to have around when you needed to make weapons out of any old junk that was lying around.
They stepped on the transporter and went wibbly while sound effect no.5 played in the background. In about 2.5 seconds they found themselves on the marsh planet and proceeded to make their way to the station.
Meanwhile, another, altogether more sinister form made its way through the trees to the same destination, a little to the left and just in front of the party. It didn’t really understand why a party had followed it and was annoyed that the conga line was disrupting its approach, but still it trudged through the trees.
“Captain” called out Corporal Brass. He was the scientific officer of the team, but Captain Kern was sceptical as to how he got his position, it wasn’t through his scientific knowledge, that was for sure. “There’s a fluctuation in the little wibbly thing on my monitor. I think it means something is following us.”
“Firstly, Brass, that wibbly thing is the chord that is supposed to go around your neck to stop your instrument from falling off, and secondly, I know we are being followed because the sound of someone blowing a party horn and loud drunken singing is very hard to ignore.”
The other officers nodded in agreement and they carried on.
The stealthy figure, which is not yet being named due in part to the build up in the story and also because the author’s imagination hasn’t, as yet, thought of where this is leading, ditched the party and headed up the hill, which was lucky because it was actually much shorter than taking the other route and allowed the figure to reach the station before the landing party, or the other party.
Before long the landing party reached the station. They were only too pleased to take of their boots and change into the space slippers which they’d packed in their space rucksacks. The Captain looked around at the sight which greeted him.
“Hm. Doesn’t look like anyone’s cleaned for a while.” He said, scraping his gloved hand across a white surface and showing everyone the dusty finger.
“Oh, be careful sir!” lisped Howie, “You don’t know what that is, it could have aaaall types of germs and whatnot.”
The captain continued through the corridor, more and more dust causing everyone to sneeze as they walked through the maze of high beamed arches and steel flooring. They finally reached the control room and set to work dusting off the buttons and controls.
As the Kern took in the view from the control room’s large triple glazed window, the door slid open and a figure emerged.
“Well, well, well. If it’s isn’t Captain Kern.” Said the old man, a thin old thing with a walking stick and large red eyes.
“Peterson. How are you? And why is this place such a mess?” Asked the Captain.
“Well, you can’t get the staff these days and all the crew of the station have been out celebrating since we got the last shipment of Venusian Rum. There’s only been me to clean the place, and what with my back…”
“Yes, I’m surprised there hasn’t been a replacement yet. Where does all this dust come from?”
“I don’t know. It seems even swamp planets get dusty, even with this level of moisture in the air.” He put his hand under his armpit and squeezed, making a rasping sound to demonstrate.
“hm, thank you Peterson. I think we should get Earth to send you a replacement as soon as possible.”
The crew soon got busy with the dusters and Kern went to check on the engine room with Bob.
“It’s too old, capt’n” said Bob, “She’s nea gonna go.”
“Bob. It’s a light switch, and why are you talking in that ridiculous accent?”
“Sorry, boss.” Said Bob and banged the switch one last time, causing a dozen striplights to buzz on, illuminating the room. “There, it was a lose wire.”
“Yes, I sometimes wonder if it is.” He said, looking at Bob.
A scream caused them both to run back into the corridor. Peterson was lying on the floor, his body had been charred.
“What happened here?” he asked.
A young cadet stood shaking in her slippers. “I came around the corner and saw this…this creature attacking Peterson. It vanished around there.”
Kern motioned to two guards, who were helpfully standing nearby after having luckily just swung around the corner on their way to somewhere which didn’t involve any danger. Unfortunately, it wasn’t lucky for them, as any spaceship guard officer will tell you that the safest place to be is never around your captain in times of peril, it always ended up with someone getting killed, and it was usually you.
They rounded another, similarly decorated corner to find a huge hairy creature with a flamethrower.
“Put that thing down at once. We have you surrounded.”
“But…sir…”
“Quiet officer.” Replied Kern, “And you, back away and put the flamethrower down, or we’ll fire.”
The monster just growled and took a step nearer. “mmmphmmmhph”
Kern span around to him men. “Fire at that thing!” he ordered.
“But that’s just it, sir, we haven’t got our guns.” Said the first guard.
“We could dust it to death?” replied the other one helpfully, holding out a duster.
Kern turned away from the monster.
“I think we should run then.” He whispered, before legging it as fast as he could.
As they skidded around the next corner, Kern heard one of the guards cry out. He didn’t stop running, but as they turned the next corner, he bumped right in to the party which had just entered the station and were trying to hold on to the walls for support.
A few seconds later, the hairy form of the monster rounded the corner, rather slowly due to the flame thrower. Kern looked up into the dark recess with formed its face.
“nnerrgghhhhmmmmph.” It growled. “Nrggmmmpphhhstupidfffmmph.”
“Don’t come any closer.” Said Kern as he tried to hide behind one of his guards. “What do you want?”
The monster just motioned to it’s mouth, or where Kern thought its mouth should be. “Mrrrrrggghhbloodysuitofffffmmmee…” it said, getting more and more irate.
Kern sat there, sweat dripping from his face as he faced certain death.
At last it brought its large hands up in one defiant move and struggled as if trying to tear its own head off. The fur moved and the monster pulled down the hood to reveal….Gloria.
“Thanks very much!” she said, spitting out fur from her mouth. “You leave without your breakfast, after I’ve gone to all the trouble to make it, you don’t even leave me a decent away team suit to wear and I have to use this old bloody polar suit with the sticky zip. It’s been another crappy day and to top it all you never treat me with any respect….”
“Bu…” started the Captain, but he was cut off before he could say any more.
“And you don’t even try to sleep with me. I mean what do I have to do, eh? It’s not that I’d want a fat lump like you on top of me or anything, but you could at least TRY. Well, I quit, I’m going home to find another ship where the captain appreciates me.”
“But…the….I mean….Pearson….”
“Oh, that…” she said, blushing, as Pearson hobbled around the corner.
“Sorry about that captain,” said Pearson, dusting himself down from the charcoaled suit. “Gloria was just helping me light the furnace and it backfired, we have to use the flamethrower these days because you just can't get any good firelighters in space. Lucky I always wear my thermal underwear, eh?” He chuckled.
“Well.” Said Howie, clapping his hands together. “I think it’s time for tea and space crumpets all round.”
The End.
“Excellent landing lieutenant.” Said Captain Kern. He tried to make it sound sincere, despite his hatred of having to land on yet another swampy planet with no sign of any beautiful women. He had already inspected every female officer’s cabin on the ship, except the cook who was the most feared battleaxe this side of Alpha Centuri. “Gloria, fetch some coffee, and breakfast. I want to be prepared before we step outside.”
Gloria mumbled and went to fetch the breakfast, she was fed up with being the one who always fetched things, being a gopher was not her idea of a job on a spaceship. She’d joined to see planets and meet new (and hopefully handsome) alien races, not to mention the free air miles.
The landing team prepared themselves with the standard issue rubber boots and gloves. The Captain was always slightly sceptical about having to wear the gloves, but his first mate, Howie, insisted they were for protection from the germs of the planet.
“Now,” said Howie in his usual camp voice, “Please remember not to eat all of your lunch before we get to the space station. I only packed enough boiled eggs for one journey, and that includes you, Bob.”
Bob was the engineer, his rotund form made it a little difficult climbing ladders, but other than that he was pretty handy at hot-wiring space shuttles and good to have around when you needed to make weapons out of any old junk that was lying around.
They stepped on the transporter and went wibbly while sound effect no.5 played in the background. In about 2.5 seconds they found themselves on the marsh planet and proceeded to make their way to the station.
Meanwhile, another, altogether more sinister form made its way through the trees to the same destination, a little to the left and just in front of the party. It didn’t really understand why a party had followed it and was annoyed that the conga line was disrupting its approach, but still it trudged through the trees.
“Captain” called out Corporal Brass. He was the scientific officer of the team, but Captain Kern was sceptical as to how he got his position, it wasn’t through his scientific knowledge, that was for sure. “There’s a fluctuation in the little wibbly thing on my monitor. I think it means something is following us.”
“Firstly, Brass, that wibbly thing is the chord that is supposed to go around your neck to stop your instrument from falling off, and secondly, I know we are being followed because the sound of someone blowing a party horn and loud drunken singing is very hard to ignore.”
The other officers nodded in agreement and they carried on.
The stealthy figure, which is not yet being named due in part to the build up in the story and also because the author’s imagination hasn’t, as yet, thought of where this is leading, ditched the party and headed up the hill, which was lucky because it was actually much shorter than taking the other route and allowed the figure to reach the station before the landing party, or the other party.
Before long the landing party reached the station. They were only too pleased to take of their boots and change into the space slippers which they’d packed in their space rucksacks. The Captain looked around at the sight which greeted him.
“Hm. Doesn’t look like anyone’s cleaned for a while.” He said, scraping his gloved hand across a white surface and showing everyone the dusty finger.
“Oh, be careful sir!” lisped Howie, “You don’t know what that is, it could have aaaall types of germs and whatnot.”
The captain continued through the corridor, more and more dust causing everyone to sneeze as they walked through the maze of high beamed arches and steel flooring. They finally reached the control room and set to work dusting off the buttons and controls.
As the Kern took in the view from the control room’s large triple glazed window, the door slid open and a figure emerged.
“Well, well, well. If it’s isn’t Captain Kern.” Said the old man, a thin old thing with a walking stick and large red eyes.
“Peterson. How are you? And why is this place such a mess?” Asked the Captain.
“Well, you can’t get the staff these days and all the crew of the station have been out celebrating since we got the last shipment of Venusian Rum. There’s only been me to clean the place, and what with my back…”
“Yes, I’m surprised there hasn’t been a replacement yet. Where does all this dust come from?”
“I don’t know. It seems even swamp planets get dusty, even with this level of moisture in the air.” He put his hand under his armpit and squeezed, making a rasping sound to demonstrate.
“hm, thank you Peterson. I think we should get Earth to send you a replacement as soon as possible.”
The crew soon got busy with the dusters and Kern went to check on the engine room with Bob.
“It’s too old, capt’n” said Bob, “She’s nea gonna go.”
“Bob. It’s a light switch, and why are you talking in that ridiculous accent?”
“Sorry, boss.” Said Bob and banged the switch one last time, causing a dozen striplights to buzz on, illuminating the room. “There, it was a lose wire.”
“Yes, I sometimes wonder if it is.” He said, looking at Bob.
A scream caused them both to run back into the corridor. Peterson was lying on the floor, his body had been charred.
“What happened here?” he asked.
A young cadet stood shaking in her slippers. “I came around the corner and saw this…this creature attacking Peterson. It vanished around there.”
Kern motioned to two guards, who were helpfully standing nearby after having luckily just swung around the corner on their way to somewhere which didn’t involve any danger. Unfortunately, it wasn’t lucky for them, as any spaceship guard officer will tell you that the safest place to be is never around your captain in times of peril, it always ended up with someone getting killed, and it was usually you.
They rounded another, similarly decorated corner to find a huge hairy creature with a flamethrower.
“Put that thing down at once. We have you surrounded.”
“But…sir…”
“Quiet officer.” Replied Kern, “And you, back away and put the flamethrower down, or we’ll fire.”
The monster just growled and took a step nearer. “mmmphmmmhph”
Kern span around to him men. “Fire at that thing!” he ordered.
“But that’s just it, sir, we haven’t got our guns.” Said the first guard.
“We could dust it to death?” replied the other one helpfully, holding out a duster.
Kern turned away from the monster.
“I think we should run then.” He whispered, before legging it as fast as he could.
As they skidded around the next corner, Kern heard one of the guards cry out. He didn’t stop running, but as they turned the next corner, he bumped right in to the party which had just entered the station and were trying to hold on to the walls for support.
A few seconds later, the hairy form of the monster rounded the corner, rather slowly due to the flame thrower. Kern looked up into the dark recess with formed its face.
“nnerrgghhhhmmmmph.” It growled. “Nrggmmmpphhhstupidfffmmph.”
“Don’t come any closer.” Said Kern as he tried to hide behind one of his guards. “What do you want?”
The monster just motioned to it’s mouth, or where Kern thought its mouth should be. “Mrrrrrggghhbloodysuitofffffmmmee…” it said, getting more and more irate.
Kern sat there, sweat dripping from his face as he faced certain death.
At last it brought its large hands up in one defiant move and struggled as if trying to tear its own head off. The fur moved and the monster pulled down the hood to reveal….Gloria.
“Thanks very much!” she said, spitting out fur from her mouth. “You leave without your breakfast, after I’ve gone to all the trouble to make it, you don’t even leave me a decent away team suit to wear and I have to use this old bloody polar suit with the sticky zip. It’s been another crappy day and to top it all you never treat me with any respect….”
“Bu…” started the Captain, but he was cut off before he could say any more.
“And you don’t even try to sleep with me. I mean what do I have to do, eh? It’s not that I’d want a fat lump like you on top of me or anything, but you could at least TRY. Well, I quit, I’m going home to find another ship where the captain appreciates me.”
“But…the….I mean….Pearson….”
“Oh, that…” she said, blushing, as Pearson hobbled around the corner.
“Sorry about that captain,” said Pearson, dusting himself down from the charcoaled suit. “Gloria was just helping me light the furnace and it backfired, we have to use the flamethrower these days because you just can't get any good firelighters in space. Lucky I always wear my thermal underwear, eh?” He chuckled.
“Well.” Said Howie, clapping his hands together. “I think it’s time for tea and space crumpets all round.”
The End.