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Was sent this in an email. Apologies for not crediting the author, but I have absolutely no idea who it was.
THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Part 1
Day One: Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.
Day Four: Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.
Not King yet.
Day Six: Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes! Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.
Still not King.
Day Ten: Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Balrog.
Not King today either.
Day Eleven: Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy. Legolas may be hotter than me. I wonder if he would like me if I was King?
Day 28: Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not King.
Day 30: In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench. Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad. Took a shower. Yay!
But still not King.
Day 32: Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy. Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind. I think Legolas might be kinda gay.
Nope, not King.
Day 33: Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good. Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay. Not so sure about Gimli either. RIP Boromir.
Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.
Day 34: Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why? My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me? Not so sure about me either.
Still not King, goddammit.
THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Part 2
Day One: Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken.
Still not King.
Stubble update: satisfactory.
Day Two: Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.
Day Three: Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'
Day Four: Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR hooer. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.
Day Six: In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"
Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.
In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.
Day Seven: Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.
Day Nine: Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.
Stubble update: wet.
Day Twelve: Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.
Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.
Day Fourteen: Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so screwed. Perhaps this place has a side door.
Day Fourteen, Later: Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree --it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave. Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.
Day Fifteen: Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:
Dear Aragorn, Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses, Faramir.
God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Still not King.
THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Part 1
Day One: Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.
Day Four: Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.
Not King yet.
Day Six: Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes! Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.
Still not King.
Day Ten: Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Balrog.
Not King today either.
Day Eleven: Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy. Legolas may be hotter than me. I wonder if he would like me if I was King?
Day 28: Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not King.
Day 30: In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench. Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad. Took a shower. Yay!
But still not King.
Day 32: Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy. Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind. I think Legolas might be kinda gay.
Nope, not King.
Day 33: Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good. Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay. Not so sure about Gimli either. RIP Boromir.
Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.
Day 34: Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why? My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me? Not so sure about me either.
Still not King, goddammit.
THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Part 2
Day One: Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken.
Still not King.
Stubble update: satisfactory.
Day Two: Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.
Day Three: Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'
Day Four: Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR hooer. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.
Day Six: In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"
Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.
In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.
Day Seven: Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.
Day Nine: Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.
Stubble update: wet.
Day Twelve: Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.
Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.
Day Fourteen: Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so screwed. Perhaps this place has a side door.
Day Fourteen, Later: Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree --it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave. Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.
Day Fifteen: Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:
Dear Aragorn, Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses, Faramir.
God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Still not King.
Sauron the Deceiver.
Day one: looked around a bit, got bored so released the Wraiths.
Day ten: impression of scary lighthouse perfected, though that booger Sauruman has a better tower than me. It's tres cool.
Day fifty: I wish I could blink.
Day one hundred: ah good my orcs are beating those men real good. Oh no my ring. It feels like it's on fire. It is in some lava. Deary me, ah well all's well that ends well.
Day one hundred and one: met up with Gandalf who still has the one ring. He switched it when he took it out of the fire in the first film. He's Kaiser Sousa don't you know. Think about it.
Day two thousand: where's the fookin optrex?
THE END
Day one: looked around a bit, got bored so released the Wraiths.
Day ten: impression of scary lighthouse perfected, though that booger Sauruman has a better tower than me. It's tres cool.
Day fifty: I wish I could blink.
Day one hundred: ah good my orcs are beating those men real good. Oh no my ring. It feels like it's on fire. It is in some lava. Deary me, ah well all's well that ends well.
Day one hundred and one: met up with Gandalf who still has the one ring. He switched it when he took it out of the fire in the first film. He's Kaiser Sousa don't you know. Think about it.
Day two thousand: where's the fookin optrex?
THE END
lol
tres bien
I have a stitch.
Why didn't it end?
Brilliant.
Top stuff.
Was sent this in an email. Apologies for not crediting the author, but I have absolutely no idea who it was.
THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Part 1
Day One: Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.
Day Four: Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.
Not King yet.
Day Six: Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes! Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.
Still not King.
Day Ten: Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Balrog.
Not King today either.
Day Eleven: Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy. Legolas may be hotter than me. I wonder if he would like me if I was King?
Day 28: Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not King.
Day 30: In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench. Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad. Took a shower. Yay!
But still not King.
Day 32: Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy. Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind. I think Legolas might be kinda gay.
Nope, not King.
Day 33: Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good. Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay. Not so sure about Gimli either. RIP Boromir.
Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.
Day 34: Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why? My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me? Not so sure about me either.
Still not King, goddammit.
THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Part 2
Day One: Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken.
Still not King.
Stubble update: satisfactory.
Day Two: Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.
Day Three: Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'
Day Four: Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR hooer. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.
Day Six: In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"
Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.
In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.
Day Seven: Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.
Day Nine: Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.
Stubble update: wet.
Day Twelve: Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.
Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.
Day Fourteen: Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so screwed. Perhaps this place has a side door.
Day Fourteen, Later: Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree --it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave. Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.
Day Fifteen: Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:
Dear Aragorn, Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses, Faramir.
God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Still not King.
THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Part 1
Day One: Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.
Day Four: Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.
Not King yet.
Day Six: Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes! Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.
Still not King.
Day Ten: Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Balrog.
Not King today either.
Day Eleven: Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy. Legolas may be hotter than me. I wonder if he would like me if I was King?
Day 28: Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not King.
Day 30: In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench. Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad. Took a shower. Yay!
But still not King.
Day 32: Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy. Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind. I think Legolas might be kinda gay.
Nope, not King.
Day 33: Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good. Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay. Not so sure about Gimli either. RIP Boromir.
Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.
Day 34: Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why? My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me? Not so sure about me either.
Still not King, goddammit.
THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Part 2
Day One: Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken.
Still not King.
Stubble update: satisfactory.
Day Two: Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.
Day Three: Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'
Day Four: Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR hooer. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.
Day Six: In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"
Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.
In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.
Day Seven: Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.
Day Nine: Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.
Stubble update: wet.
Day Twelve: Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.
Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.
Day Fourteen: Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so screwed. Perhaps this place has a side door.
Day Fourteen, Later: Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree --it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave. Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.
Day Fifteen: Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:
Dear Aragorn, Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses, Faramir.
God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Still not King.