The "Freeola Customer Forum" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
After sorting through some old books I found my Viz Top Tips and thought I'd share some with you to make your life that bit easier and brighter.
Please feel free to add some of your own!
Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply peeing in the sink.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're going.
TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and dog mess into the bath.
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
Please feel free to add some of your own!
Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply peeing in the sink.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're going.
TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and dog mess into the bath.
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
Page:
A few more:
Grated cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.
Ladies of the night. If selling your body makes you feel cheap, then simply raise your prices.
Convince your neighbours that evolution is working backwards by not shaving for a week, walking to your car gradually more stooped each morning, and wearing a monkey costume on the Friday.
Fool people into thinking your father hails from Italy by walking around saying things like “Mama mia!..... as my dad would say.”
Deter organ thieves from stealing your innards by swallowing several mousetraps minutes before your death.
Makers of Anchor Spreadable Butter. Save time and ink by simply calling it “Anchor Butter.”
Daily Mail editors. Underline important words in your headlines just to make sure that your readers are clear about what it is you want them to think.
Make your own carrots by painting parsnips orange.
Save money on expensive surround sound home cinema systems by only watching films when the appropriate noises are going on outside, eg watch horror movies when there is a storm raging outside, or a cowboy film while the local drug gangs are fighting it out in the street.
Old people. Ensure a good fight at your wake by leaving a valuable antique in your will to a distant relative, while promising it to a closer relative verbally before you die.
Roofers. Try going up on the roof to inspect it, rather than standing at ground level next to me and saying “it needs a lot of work done to it.”
Homeowners. When selling your house, replace your furniture with children’s tables and chairs, and use a dwarf estate agent. Instantly, your house will seem more roomy than it actually is.
Air guitar players. Become air ukulele players by shortening the distance between your hands. For that added Formby feeling, replace head moshing with a cheeky smile and an occasional wink.
Monks. Conduct a life of celibacy and solitude without joining a monastery by simply getting married. It’s more comfortable and you’ll be able to watch the TV and use the internet.
Make delayed train journeys fly for everyone by tutting and sighing as much as you can down the closest person’s earhole.
Anglers. Save money on an expensive 20 foot long rod by buying a 6 foot rod and sitting on the other bank.
A guinea pig makes an ideal paint roller for you next home make over. Use a mouse for areas that need finer detail.
Wheel manufacturers. Take a tip from the marketing techniques of makers of men’s razors and release a new model every year claiming to be the “roundest wheel yet.”
Town planner. Confuse commuters and pensioners by calling new developments “Sorry this bus is not in service.”
A post-it note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal deterrent to lip-readers.
Women travel writers. Get paid a fortune to travel somewhere wonderful and exotic and then submit the usual article about how useful a sarong is.
Foreigners. Improve your English swearword vocabulary by dawdling aimlessly with your friends in front of the entrance to Oxford Circus tube station at 5-30pm every afternoon. Advanced linguists might like to try zig-zagging down the steps at a snails pace while texting everyone back home.
Liam Gallagher. When singing, lower your microphone a bit so that it’s in front of your mouth. This will prevent any unnecessary neck strain. How you could stop being an idiot, though, is beyond me, I’m afraid.
McDonald’s. Save money on glass by not building a window number 1 in your drive-thru restaurants as there is never anyone there.
Anarchists. When smashing the state, take care not to burn down your Social Security office.
Ordinary people. Make yourselves feel more important by carrying a bugle everywhere you go and sounding it before you enter.
Grated cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.
Ladies of the night. If selling your body makes you feel cheap, then simply raise your prices.
Convince your neighbours that evolution is working backwards by not shaving for a week, walking to your car gradually more stooped each morning, and wearing a monkey costume on the Friday.
Fool people into thinking your father hails from Italy by walking around saying things like “Mama mia!..... as my dad would say.”
Deter organ thieves from stealing your innards by swallowing several mousetraps minutes before your death.
Makers of Anchor Spreadable Butter. Save time and ink by simply calling it “Anchor Butter.”
Daily Mail editors. Underline important words in your headlines just to make sure that your readers are clear about what it is you want them to think.
Make your own carrots by painting parsnips orange.
Save money on expensive surround sound home cinema systems by only watching films when the appropriate noises are going on outside, eg watch horror movies when there is a storm raging outside, or a cowboy film while the local drug gangs are fighting it out in the street.
Old people. Ensure a good fight at your wake by leaving a valuable antique in your will to a distant relative, while promising it to a closer relative verbally before you die.
Roofers. Try going up on the roof to inspect it, rather than standing at ground level next to me and saying “it needs a lot of work done to it.”
Homeowners. When selling your house, replace your furniture with children’s tables and chairs, and use a dwarf estate agent. Instantly, your house will seem more roomy than it actually is.
Air guitar players. Become air ukulele players by shortening the distance between your hands. For that added Formby feeling, replace head moshing with a cheeky smile and an occasional wink.
Monks. Conduct a life of celibacy and solitude without joining a monastery by simply getting married. It’s more comfortable and you’ll be able to watch the TV and use the internet.
Make delayed train journeys fly for everyone by tutting and sighing as much as you can down the closest person’s earhole.
Anglers. Save money on an expensive 20 foot long rod by buying a 6 foot rod and sitting on the other bank.
A guinea pig makes an ideal paint roller for you next home make over. Use a mouse for areas that need finer detail.
Wheel manufacturers. Take a tip from the marketing techniques of makers of men’s razors and release a new model every year claiming to be the “roundest wheel yet.”
Town planner. Confuse commuters and pensioners by calling new developments “Sorry this bus is not in service.”
A post-it note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal deterrent to lip-readers.
Women travel writers. Get paid a fortune to travel somewhere wonderful and exotic and then submit the usual article about how useful a sarong is.
Foreigners. Improve your English swearword vocabulary by dawdling aimlessly with your friends in front of the entrance to Oxford Circus tube station at 5-30pm every afternoon. Advanced linguists might like to try zig-zagging down the steps at a snails pace while texting everyone back home.
Liam Gallagher. When singing, lower your microphone a bit so that it’s in front of your mouth. This will prevent any unnecessary neck strain. How you could stop being an idiot, though, is beyond me, I’m afraid.
McDonald’s. Save money on glass by not building a window number 1 in your drive-thru restaurants as there is never anyone there.
Anarchists. When smashing the state, take care not to burn down your Social Security office.
Ordinary people. Make yourselves feel more important by carrying a bugle everywhere you go and sounding it before you enter.
A few more:
Potatoes wrapped in tin foil and kept in a cupboard become a welcome snack if you house burns down.
At supermarket checkouts, a Toblerone box makes an ideal “Next Customer Please” sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Keep an empty bottle of milk in your fridge in case someone wants black tea or coffee.
Cinema builders. Don’t bother installing a front row of seats, nobody ever uses them. Simply start with the second row.
Hardcore Hispanic gangsters. Save money on expensive hairnets by using Satsuma bags from Tesco.
Save money on your water bill. Every time you flush the toilet, pee in the cistern as it all goes down the same way.
Davina McCall. Disguise your lack of TV presenting skills by gurning excessively at any nearby camera. Nobody will notice a thing.
Ladies. Make your own industrial floor polisher by sliding a pair of your husbands socks onto the blades of a Flymo.
Absent-minded people. Don’t waste money on post-it notes. Simply find an elephant that lives locally and tell them whatever it is you need remembering.
Climate change activists. Feel less guilty about travelling by plane by breathing more shallowly whilst on holiday.
Virgin Trains. Why not re-name the 16:58 Euston to Birmingham the 17:21 because that’s the time it turns up every day.
Decorators. Use a roller in each hand and halve your painting time.
Fool you boss into thinking your alarm clock is broken by continually turning up late for work in the morning.
Constipation sufferers. Get you GP to prescribe you antidepressants, as they loosen you up like nobody’s business. Though how being stuck on the toilet all day is meant to cheer you up I have no idea.
Potatoes wrapped in tin foil and kept in a cupboard become a welcome snack if you house burns down.
At supermarket checkouts, a Toblerone box makes an ideal “Next Customer Please” sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Keep an empty bottle of milk in your fridge in case someone wants black tea or coffee.
Cinema builders. Don’t bother installing a front row of seats, nobody ever uses them. Simply start with the second row.
Hardcore Hispanic gangsters. Save money on expensive hairnets by using Satsuma bags from Tesco.
Save money on your water bill. Every time you flush the toilet, pee in the cistern as it all goes down the same way.
Davina McCall. Disguise your lack of TV presenting skills by gurning excessively at any nearby camera. Nobody will notice a thing.
Ladies. Make your own industrial floor polisher by sliding a pair of your husbands socks onto the blades of a Flymo.
Absent-minded people. Don’t waste money on post-it notes. Simply find an elephant that lives locally and tell them whatever it is you need remembering.
Climate change activists. Feel less guilty about travelling by plane by breathing more shallowly whilst on holiday.
Virgin Trains. Why not re-name the 16:58 Euston to Birmingham the 17:21 because that’s the time it turns up every day.
Decorators. Use a roller in each hand and halve your painting time.
Fool you boss into thinking your alarm clock is broken by continually turning up late for work in the morning.
Constipation sufferers. Get you GP to prescribe you antidepressants, as they loosen you up like nobody’s business. Though how being stuck on the toilet all day is meant to cheer you up I have no idea.
Some more:
Pretend to be a tiny person by pouring all the crisps from a multipack bag into the big bag they came in, and eating them out of that.
Time Team producers. Get more done in the three day time limit by getting Baldrick and that lazy bloke with the wispy white beard to do some work.
Devil worshippers. For the full effect when photographing Satan, make sure to switch off your cameras red-eye function.
TV news reporters. Intersperse your interviews with footage of yourself nodding like an idiot. This will help viewers appreciate that what’s being said is correct.
Businessmen. Fill those awkward silences in the lift by telling people made-up stories about your adventures as a sailor.
Gareth Gates. Avoid bouts of stuttering by simply singing your replies to questions.
Pensioners. Attach a sweeping brush to the front of your mobility scooter. Now, instead of being a menace on the pavements, you can provide a valuable service to your community.
Contestants on Bullseye. Give your address as the Moon. That way, if you lose, your “bus fare home” will amount to several million pounds.
Death row prisoners. Increase your life span by a few days by having your last meal delivered from Dominos Pizza.
Cinema goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by going to the toilet before the film starts.
Pretend to be a tiny person by pouring all the crisps from a multipack bag into the big bag they came in, and eating them out of that.
Time Team producers. Get more done in the three day time limit by getting Baldrick and that lazy bloke with the wispy white beard to do some work.
Devil worshippers. For the full effect when photographing Satan, make sure to switch off your cameras red-eye function.
TV news reporters. Intersperse your interviews with footage of yourself nodding like an idiot. This will help viewers appreciate that what’s being said is correct.
Businessmen. Fill those awkward silences in the lift by telling people made-up stories about your adventures as a sailor.
Gareth Gates. Avoid bouts of stuttering by simply singing your replies to questions.
Pensioners. Attach a sweeping brush to the front of your mobility scooter. Now, instead of being a menace on the pavements, you can provide a valuable service to your community.
Contestants on Bullseye. Give your address as the Moon. That way, if you lose, your “bus fare home” will amount to several million pounds.
Death row prisoners. Increase your life span by a few days by having your last meal delivered from Dominos Pizza.
Cinema goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by going to the toilet before the film starts.
More:
Criminals. Keep a handkerchief in you back pocket. When the police put handcuffs on you, simply cover your hands with the handkerchief for a few seconds. When you remove it, the cuffs will be unlocked and off. I have seen magicians do this many times and it always works.
Devout Catholics. If the Lord has not yet made Himself visible to you, perhaps you are looking in the wrong place. Try paying more attention to the flaking paint on your walls, the rust on your frying pan, or the mouldy stains on your carpet as these are the sort of places where He usually turns up.
GCSE students. Don’t worry if you fail your Religious Studies exam. Simply ignore the result and assign yourself an A-grade, telling anyone who objects that it is your solemn belief that you passed.
Gamblers. Convince fellow punters that you have inside knowledge by simply cheering every race winner and then counting a wad of cash in your pocket.
Air travellers. Make your suitcase easy to spot at the luggage carousel by fastening an extremely long-lasting sparkler to it and lighting it before you hand it over at the check-in desk.
Journalists at local TV stations. Fool viewers into thinking you have been sent abroad by waiting a few seconds before answering any questions the presenter asks you.
Tame budgies and parrots easily by replacing their grit with iron filings. By holding a large magnet, they will sit happily on your hand for hours.
Recreate the feeling of time travel by falling asleep on the train and awakening on arrival at your destination. Hey presto, you’ve arrived in the future.
Bare patches on your lawn? Simply stop mowing a patch at the side and let it grow to a significant length. Then, with a rake, sweep it over the bare patch like Sir Bobby Charlton does to create a realistic look of healthy growth.
Rhubarb soaked in bleach makes a fantastic substitute for celery.
Shoe bombers. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.
The night after eating a real ring-stinger of a curry, put a dozen or so ice cubes down the bog. The splashback caused when you have a dump will cool and sooth your burning backside.
Bee keepers. Avoid getting stung by bees by buying honey in a health food shop and getting stung there instead.
Save money on Red Nose Day by simply using half the wax covering from a Babybel cheese. Save your friends money too by giving them the other half.
Submarine designers. Why not put any water pipes on the outside of the sub? That way, if they burst, there is no harm done.
Kings and Queens. If a large jewel falls out of one’s sceptre, it can be easily replaced with a pear drop of the same colour, from which one has sucked the sugar coating.
Before brushing your teeth, eat something sweet, such as a piece of chocolate. That way you can be sure of getting good value for the toothpaste that you use.
Rappers. Avoid having to say “know what I’m sayin’?” all the time by speaking clearly in the first place.
Football commentators. When a player is mouthing off at the referee, make people think you are cleverer than you actually are by insisting that he is “remonstrating” rather than arguing.
Wear a really big cowboy hat to impress the ladies. If your head is too small, remember to cut two eyeholes so you can see.
Gardeners. Wrap seedlings potatoes in a wire mesh before planting and at harvest time you’ll have ready-cut chips.
Hollywood film directors. Stuck for an idea for a new movie? Simply select the name of an animal or occupation at random and stick the words ”Beverly Hills” in front of it.
Air passengers. Airlines let all the passengers off the planes, thus eliminating the need to all clamber to the front the second the aircraft lands.
Sausage rolls sewn together side by side make an excellent emergency hat for judges.
Sean Connery. When playing an Egyptian in Highlander or an Irishman in The Untouchables, have a vague stab at the accent for 5 minutes then revert back to Scottish.
Horse owners. Guard against your horse getting fat by giving it Hermasetas instead of sugar lumps.
Goths. Save money on black nail polish by striking each fingernail with a hammer.
Parents. A small amount of cement added to your child’s sandcastle will ensure that his/her hard work is not ruined when the tide comes in.
Whingeing southerners. Avoid your annual moaning about water shortages and hosepipe bans by filling all your buckets when you get flooded in winter.
Acne scars on your back? Simply have a picture of Bryan Adams’ face tattooed on your back to disguise them.
Criminals. Keep a handkerchief in you back pocket. When the police put handcuffs on you, simply cover your hands with the handkerchief for a few seconds. When you remove it, the cuffs will be unlocked and off. I have seen magicians do this many times and it always works.
Devout Catholics. If the Lord has not yet made Himself visible to you, perhaps you are looking in the wrong place. Try paying more attention to the flaking paint on your walls, the rust on your frying pan, or the mouldy stains on your carpet as these are the sort of places where He usually turns up.
GCSE students. Don’t worry if you fail your Religious Studies exam. Simply ignore the result and assign yourself an A-grade, telling anyone who objects that it is your solemn belief that you passed.
Gamblers. Convince fellow punters that you have inside knowledge by simply cheering every race winner and then counting a wad of cash in your pocket.
Air travellers. Make your suitcase easy to spot at the luggage carousel by fastening an extremely long-lasting sparkler to it and lighting it before you hand it over at the check-in desk.
Journalists at local TV stations. Fool viewers into thinking you have been sent abroad by waiting a few seconds before answering any questions the presenter asks you.
Tame budgies and parrots easily by replacing their grit with iron filings. By holding a large magnet, they will sit happily on your hand for hours.
Recreate the feeling of time travel by falling asleep on the train and awakening on arrival at your destination. Hey presto, you’ve arrived in the future.
Bare patches on your lawn? Simply stop mowing a patch at the side and let it grow to a significant length. Then, with a rake, sweep it over the bare patch like Sir Bobby Charlton does to create a realistic look of healthy growth.
Rhubarb soaked in bleach makes a fantastic substitute for celery.
Shoe bombers. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.
The night after eating a real ring-stinger of a curry, put a dozen or so ice cubes down the bog. The splashback caused when you have a dump will cool and sooth your burning backside.
Bee keepers. Avoid getting stung by bees by buying honey in a health food shop and getting stung there instead.
Save money on Red Nose Day by simply using half the wax covering from a Babybel cheese. Save your friends money too by giving them the other half.
Submarine designers. Why not put any water pipes on the outside of the sub? That way, if they burst, there is no harm done.
Kings and Queens. If a large jewel falls out of one’s sceptre, it can be easily replaced with a pear drop of the same colour, from which one has sucked the sugar coating.
Before brushing your teeth, eat something sweet, such as a piece of chocolate. That way you can be sure of getting good value for the toothpaste that you use.
Rappers. Avoid having to say “know what I’m sayin’?” all the time by speaking clearly in the first place.
Football commentators. When a player is mouthing off at the referee, make people think you are cleverer than you actually are by insisting that he is “remonstrating” rather than arguing.
Wear a really big cowboy hat to impress the ladies. If your head is too small, remember to cut two eyeholes so you can see.
Gardeners. Wrap seedlings potatoes in a wire mesh before planting and at harvest time you’ll have ready-cut chips.
Hollywood film directors. Stuck for an idea for a new movie? Simply select the name of an animal or occupation at random and stick the words ”Beverly Hills” in front of it.
Air passengers. Airlines let all the passengers off the planes, thus eliminating the need to all clamber to the front the second the aircraft lands.
Sausage rolls sewn together side by side make an excellent emergency hat for judges.
Sean Connery. When playing an Egyptian in Highlander or an Irishman in The Untouchables, have a vague stab at the accent for 5 minutes then revert back to Scottish.
Horse owners. Guard against your horse getting fat by giving it Hermasetas instead of sugar lumps.
Goths. Save money on black nail polish by striking each fingernail with a hammer.
Parents. A small amount of cement added to your child’s sandcastle will ensure that his/her hard work is not ruined when the tide comes in.
Whingeing southerners. Avoid your annual moaning about water shortages and hosepipe bans by filling all your buckets when you get flooded in winter.
Acne scars on your back? Simply have a picture of Bryan Adams’ face tattooed on your back to disguise them.
Page: