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After sorting through some old books I found my Viz Top Tips and thought I'd share some with you to make your life that bit easier and brighter.
Please feel free to add some of your own!
Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply peeing in the sink.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're going.
TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and dog mess into the bath.
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
Please feel free to add some of your own!
Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply peeing in the sink.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're going.
TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and dog mess into the bath.
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
Page:
After sorting through some old books I found my Viz Top Tips and thought I'd share some with you to make your life that bit easier and brighter.
Please feel free to add some of your own!
Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply peeing in the sink.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're going.
TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and dog mess into the bath.
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
Please feel free to add some of your own!
Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply peeing in the sink.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're going.
TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and dog mess into the bath.
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
Funny Smedders ... but some are a bit 'old hat'. Mind you, that was Viz for you :¬)
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is instantly removed.
That's my favourite. Says a lot about me...
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
One I think about everyday on my walk to college. There's one one-way road I have to get across, and I never know if I should look both ways on the off chance somebody drives down the wrong way, or if I'll look stupid doing that while I'm standing right next to the one way sign... Guess I'd look even worse if I got hit by a driver who can't read signs.
That's my favourite. Says a lot about me...
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
One I think about everyday on my walk to college. There's one one-way road I have to get across, and I never know if I should look both ways on the off chance somebody drives down the wrong way, or if I'll look stupid doing that while I'm standing right next to the one way sign... Guess I'd look even worse if I got hit by a driver who can't read signs.
The bus driver one was great! :)
Cheers for posting this Smedders.
Cheers for posting this Smedders.
No probs - few more here :D
SAVE doing unnecessary ironing by putting on your shirt and tucking it into your trousers. Then, draw a line around the shirt at belt level with an indelible marker pen. The material below this line will never need ironing, thus saving time and effort.
IDENTICAL twins. Use Morse code to cheat in exams by stabbing yourself in the arm with a sharp compass. The other twin, at home with a text book, can “feel” the question and stab you back the answers.
SPAGHETTI BOLOGNAISE makes great intestines for a badly wounded Action Man.
FOOTBALLERS, pass the ball slowly amongst your defenders and goalkeeper during extra time and then moan about the “insane lottery” of a penalty shoot-out.
DETER goldfish from making love by throwing a small bucket of air over any you catch in the act.
GET AWAY with fly-tipping by leaving your junk outside charity shops. Top it off with an old board game for authenticity.
FLOOD victims. Build your kitchen sink into the floor. Simply leave the plug out when it rains
ITV. Increase viewing figures by making a celebrity version of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.
PAPER BAG manufactures. Avoid employing Audley Harrison to test the strength of your products
LADIES. Ever wondered what it would be like to have Audley Harrison lying on your carpet? Watch tonight's fight in 3D
NEVER want to know what you're going to get, when you're going to get it & condition it'll arrive in? Order online with Asda.
TRICK people into thinking you're a time-traveller by buying clothes in Middlesbrough
CONVINCE people you are mentally ill by going out in the freezing cold in the middle of the night to queue for a computer game.
CONVINCE your kids there's no such things as ghosts by letting them watch an episode of Most Haunted.
WOMEN. Save time and money on cinema visits. Despite initial impressions, they do fancy each other and will get together
TV VIEWERS. Always keep your finger on the mute button ready for any unexpected appearances by N-Dubz
WIDOWERS. Miss your late wife? Buy a parrot and teach it say 'Have you cut the grass yet?', 'Have you put the bins out?
FOOL people into thinking you've been to Madame Tussauds by having your photo taken with various celebrities
CONVINCE the wife you need a bigger TV by secretly replacing the stand with progressively larger ones
TRICK the public that you've lost a dog by carrying an empty lead and a bag of dog mess.
DEAF PEOPLE. Take advantage of the situation by buying an N-Dubz album
BECOME SUCCESSFUL by reading the autobiography of a famous person then acting it out page by page.
CIGARETTE makers. Have you considered those scary pics on the packet are bad for business? How about a nice pair of jugs?
WEST HAM. Recoup Andy Carrol's wages by sending clips of his shooting to 'You've Been Framed'.
WRITE the alphabet around the edge of your ironing board to encourage ghosts to do the work for you.
AVOID chips on your windscreen by not leaving your car parked near the kebab shop on a Saturday night.
CONVINCE people you are a millionaire by purchasing a bag of Minstrels and a tub of popcorn at the cinema
LIVERPOOL FANS. Don't burn that Fernando Torres shirt just yet, in case the club buy Sergio Torres from Crawley
DRIVERS. Save money on expensive 'new car smell' air-fresheners by simply buying a new car
SAVE doing unnecessary ironing by putting on your shirt and tucking it into your trousers. Then, draw a line around the shirt at belt level with an indelible marker pen. The material below this line will never need ironing, thus saving time and effort.
IDENTICAL twins. Use Morse code to cheat in exams by stabbing yourself in the arm with a sharp compass. The other twin, at home with a text book, can “feel” the question and stab you back the answers.
SPAGHETTI BOLOGNAISE makes great intestines for a badly wounded Action Man.
FOOTBALLERS, pass the ball slowly amongst your defenders and goalkeeper during extra time and then moan about the “insane lottery” of a penalty shoot-out.
DETER goldfish from making love by throwing a small bucket of air over any you catch in the act.
GET AWAY with fly-tipping by leaving your junk outside charity shops. Top it off with an old board game for authenticity.
FLOOD victims. Build your kitchen sink into the floor. Simply leave the plug out when it rains
ITV. Increase viewing figures by making a celebrity version of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.
PAPER BAG manufactures. Avoid employing Audley Harrison to test the strength of your products
LADIES. Ever wondered what it would be like to have Audley Harrison lying on your carpet? Watch tonight's fight in 3D
NEVER want to know what you're going to get, when you're going to get it & condition it'll arrive in? Order online with Asda.
TRICK people into thinking you're a time-traveller by buying clothes in Middlesbrough
CONVINCE people you are mentally ill by going out in the freezing cold in the middle of the night to queue for a computer game.
CONVINCE your kids there's no such things as ghosts by letting them watch an episode of Most Haunted.
WOMEN. Save time and money on cinema visits. Despite initial impressions, they do fancy each other and will get together
TV VIEWERS. Always keep your finger on the mute button ready for any unexpected appearances by N-Dubz
WIDOWERS. Miss your late wife? Buy a parrot and teach it say 'Have you cut the grass yet?', 'Have you put the bins out?
FOOL people into thinking you've been to Madame Tussauds by having your photo taken with various celebrities
CONVINCE the wife you need a bigger TV by secretly replacing the stand with progressively larger ones
TRICK the public that you've lost a dog by carrying an empty lead and a bag of dog mess.
DEAF PEOPLE. Take advantage of the situation by buying an N-Dubz album
BECOME SUCCESSFUL by reading the autobiography of a famous person then acting it out page by page.
CIGARETTE makers. Have you considered those scary pics on the packet are bad for business? How about a nice pair of jugs?
WEST HAM. Recoup Andy Carrol's wages by sending clips of his shooting to 'You've Been Framed'.
WRITE the alphabet around the edge of your ironing board to encourage ghosts to do the work for you.
AVOID chips on your windscreen by not leaving your car parked near the kebab shop on a Saturday night.
CONVINCE people you are a millionaire by purchasing a bag of Minstrels and a tub of popcorn at the cinema
LIVERPOOL FANS. Don't burn that Fernando Torres shirt just yet, in case the club buy Sergio Torres from Crawley
DRIVERS. Save money on expensive 'new car smell' air-fresheners by simply buying a new car
Ha ha, The I'm A Celebrity one is my new favourite!
Excellent stuff Smedders :)
Excellent stuff Smedders :)
When wanting to share images on photoshop, make sure your albums are for "public" viewing or people trying to answer your thread can't see what they're trying to answer!
I'll post a few more in a few hours...... :D
I'll post a few more in a few hours...... :D
A few "politically incorrect ones"
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
TO delay paying your electric bill simply lock the electric-board man in the cupboard under the stairs whilst he reads the meter. This will not work if you have a coin meter.
WHEN out drinking take a picture of your mum and dad in your wallet. It makes a handy 'drunk-o-meter' to gauge when you've had too much. When you start to fancy your mum, stop chatting up the girls. Don't even look at them. If you start to fancy your dad, leave the pub and catch the first bus home. (This is not advisable if you live with your parents).
TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind folk with pointy sticks.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
TO delay paying your electric bill simply lock the electric-board man in the cupboard under the stairs whilst he reads the meter. This will not work if you have a coin meter.
WHEN out drinking take a picture of your mum and dad in your wallet. It makes a handy 'drunk-o-meter' to gauge when you've had too much. When you start to fancy your mum, stop chatting up the girls. Don't even look at them. If you start to fancy your dad, leave the pub and catch the first bus home. (This is not advisable if you live with your parents).
TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind folk with pointy sticks.
Parents, save money on expensive trips to the zoo, simply take your kids on a day out to Pets At Home.
Worked for me for a while ;)
Worked for me for a while ;)
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