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After sorting through some old books I found my Viz Top Tips and thought I'd share some with you to make your life that bit easier and brighter.
Please feel free to add some of your own!
Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply peeing in the sink.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're going.
TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and dog mess into the bath.
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
Please feel free to add some of your own!
Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply peeing in the sink.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're going.
TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and dog mess into the bath.
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
Page:
Don't eat Tesco burgers :(
Anyway joke doing the rounds:
I ate a Tesco burger yesterday and now I have the trots!
Anyway joke doing the rounds:
I ate a Tesco burger yesterday and now I have the trots!
Smedders wrote:
I ate a Tesco burger yesterday and now I have the trots!
Lol
I ate a Tesco burger yesterday and now I have the trots!
Lol
A few football related tips:
Football teams: fed up with good attacking play being let down by the final ball? Simply plan your moved to end one pass quicker and watch the goals fly in.
Football managers: force the opposition into committing foul after foul for dangerously high feet by fielding a team consisting entirely of dwarves.
Mark Lawrenson: when the camera moves away from you in a wide shot on Football Focus, don't do that shifty sideways glance to see if you are still on screen as you get caught every time.
Football fans with a lisp: support Barcelona so you can shout for your team without feeling stupid.
Footballers: pass the ball amongst your defenders and goalkeeper during extra time and then moan about the "insane lottery" of a penalty shootout.
Amateur players: convince birds you're a top professional by calling them a taxi and when it arrives pulling the door off and beating the driver up.
Football hooligans: go to matches on horseback, dressed a medieval knights, and challenge the mounted police officers to a jousting tournament.
Football teams: fed up with good attacking play being let down by the final ball? Simply plan your moved to end one pass quicker and watch the goals fly in.
Football managers: force the opposition into committing foul after foul for dangerously high feet by fielding a team consisting entirely of dwarves.
Mark Lawrenson: when the camera moves away from you in a wide shot on Football Focus, don't do that shifty sideways glance to see if you are still on screen as you get caught every time.
Football fans with a lisp: support Barcelona so you can shout for your team without feeling stupid.
Footballers: pass the ball amongst your defenders and goalkeeper during extra time and then moan about the "insane lottery" of a penalty shootout.
Amateur players: convince birds you're a top professional by calling them a taxi and when it arrives pulling the door off and beating the driver up.
Football hooligans: go to matches on horseback, dressed a medieval knights, and challenge the mounted police officers to a jousting tournament.
A few more:
Dog Owners. Give passers-by the impression that your dog is well trained by ordering it to do whatever it happens to be doing already.
Next time you have a party make all the guests swallow a small plastic disc with a number on it, making sure you keep a record of each person’s number. If anyone vomits, you’ll know who it was and can make them clean it up.
Throw large, peeled carrots into your garden pond. They are indistinguishable from expensive Koi carp.
Stop birds nesting in your garden by collecting all the twigs and moss in your neighbourhood and hiding it in your garden shed.
When carrying a cup of tea from one room to another always stir in a spoonful of cornflower. This will thicken it up and prevent it from spilling over the rim and onto the carpet.
Use shorter and thinner lengths of wire to connect appliances to the mains to reduce the amount of electricity they use.
DIY enthusiasts. Make your approach more professional by starting 3 days late, wearing ill-fitting trousers, and shaking your head at regular intervals.
Fat weather reporters. When presenting the report, stand front on to the camera so that anybody living west of Stoke on Trent can see what the weather will be like in their area.
Keep monkeys out of your kitchen by hiding your bananas on top of a wardrobe in your bedroom.
Slightly overweight women. Look and feel your are like Kate Moss by moving to Loughborough or Exeter.
Make a stamp costing only two pence by filing a 2p piece into a rectangular shape and painting it blue.
Cycling helmet too big? Place a panty liner inside the rim for a snug fit. (But don’t use the ones with wings or you’ll look like Deputy Dawg).
Convince people that you have an expensive car alarm by locking your car and then making loud, high pitched “whooping” noises as you walk away.
Have fun in the supermarket by filling your trolley to bursting point with booze and one packet of nappies. When paying, pretend that you don’t have enough money and put the nappies back and watch the face of the checkout operator. Priceless.
Supermarkets. Sell your undersized vegetables for twice the price by not cleaning them and calling them “organic”.
Make sure you get good service at a McDonalds drive-thru by pasting a big yellow “M” on the right hand side of your car and ticking a clipboard as you place your order.
Save money on batteries by only putting them in your clock when you wish to know the time.
Put a sawn-off piece of exhaust pipe in your mouth to fool people into thinking you’ve swallowed a car.
When very drunk and taking a dump, never, ever, under any circumstances, stop to blow your nose whilst wiping your backside.
Jamie Oliver. When bringing out a new book, why not price it at £12 instead of £25 to save shop staff having to stick “Half Price” stickers on them before they go on the shelves.
Penpals. If you and your penpal ever fall out simply send each other empty envelopes.
Earn money by displaying a “How’s My Driving?” sign on your car, along with an 0906 number at £1.50 per minute which you can acquire from BT. Then simply drive around like a complete idiot.
Dog Owners. Give passers-by the impression that your dog is well trained by ordering it to do whatever it happens to be doing already.
Next time you have a party make all the guests swallow a small plastic disc with a number on it, making sure you keep a record of each person’s number. If anyone vomits, you’ll know who it was and can make them clean it up.
Throw large, peeled carrots into your garden pond. They are indistinguishable from expensive Koi carp.
Stop birds nesting in your garden by collecting all the twigs and moss in your neighbourhood and hiding it in your garden shed.
When carrying a cup of tea from one room to another always stir in a spoonful of cornflower. This will thicken it up and prevent it from spilling over the rim and onto the carpet.
Use shorter and thinner lengths of wire to connect appliances to the mains to reduce the amount of electricity they use.
DIY enthusiasts. Make your approach more professional by starting 3 days late, wearing ill-fitting trousers, and shaking your head at regular intervals.
Fat weather reporters. When presenting the report, stand front on to the camera so that anybody living west of Stoke on Trent can see what the weather will be like in their area.
Keep monkeys out of your kitchen by hiding your bananas on top of a wardrobe in your bedroom.
Slightly overweight women. Look and feel your are like Kate Moss by moving to Loughborough or Exeter.
Make a stamp costing only two pence by filing a 2p piece into a rectangular shape and painting it blue.
Cycling helmet too big? Place a panty liner inside the rim for a snug fit. (But don’t use the ones with wings or you’ll look like Deputy Dawg).
Convince people that you have an expensive car alarm by locking your car and then making loud, high pitched “whooping” noises as you walk away.
Have fun in the supermarket by filling your trolley to bursting point with booze and one packet of nappies. When paying, pretend that you don’t have enough money and put the nappies back and watch the face of the checkout operator. Priceless.
Supermarkets. Sell your undersized vegetables for twice the price by not cleaning them and calling them “organic”.
Make sure you get good service at a McDonalds drive-thru by pasting a big yellow “M” on the right hand side of your car and ticking a clipboard as you place your order.
Save money on batteries by only putting them in your clock when you wish to know the time.
Put a sawn-off piece of exhaust pipe in your mouth to fool people into thinking you’ve swallowed a car.
When very drunk and taking a dump, never, ever, under any circumstances, stop to blow your nose whilst wiping your backside.
Jamie Oliver. When bringing out a new book, why not price it at £12 instead of £25 to save shop staff having to stick “Half Price” stickers on them before they go on the shelves.
Penpals. If you and your penpal ever fall out simply send each other empty envelopes.
Earn money by displaying a “How’s My Driving?” sign on your car, along with an 0906 number at £1.50 per minute which you can acquire from BT. Then simply drive around like a complete idiot.
A few more:
Save time crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
Motorists. Find out the price of petrol everywhere by going to a BP garage and deducting 7p from their display price.
Italians.Set your watches 2 hours fast. That way wherever you’re going you’ll arrive on time.
Amateur pool players. Appear more skilful than you actually are by grimacing and sounding disappointed after every rubbish shot.
Radio 5 Live listeners. Find out which Z-list celebrity will be appearing on the days talk shows to plug their book or show by watching BBC Breakfast earlier that morning.
City gents. Simulate the thrills of ski jumping by leaning forward and placing your umbrella under your arm next time you go down an escalator.
Homeless people. Take the mick by asking for money “for a cup of tea” whilst drunk out of your head on Special Brew.
Lighten up worrying trips to the doctor by posing every question with the prefix “Doctor, Doctor”.
Shoes will last twice as long if you only wear them every other day.
Save money on tattoos by having a small one done over a muscle, then go to the gym and pound that muscle with weights. After a few weeks you’ll have a big tattoo for the price of a small one.
Help to eradicate bird flu by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to your birdbath. For owls you’ll have to use nightnurse.
Spook owners of cars with tinted windows. Upon seeing one driving past, wink conspiratorily and touch your nose.
Old people. If you feel cold in the winter, simply pop outside for 10 minutes without a coat on. When you go back inside you’ll be as warm as toast.
Town Councils. Reduce litter problems by issuing blind people with pointy sticks.
Increase your life expectancy by expecting to live longer than you did beforehand.
Save electricity by shortening the cables to all your household electrical appliances.
Power companies. After a power cut, wait until midnight before turning on the power again. That way everybody’s alarm clocks and videos will be automatically re-set.
Confuse people by mixing butter with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. They won’t know what to think.
Keep a copy of Love Actually or Mrs Doubtfire in your medicine cabinet at home. The last 5 minutes of these films can induce vomiting if toxic substances have been accidentally swallowed.
Birdwatchers. Save hours sitting around waiting to see which species land on your bird table. Simply mix the bird food with rat poison and you’ll find dozens of birds laying around the foot of your bird table to inspect and tick off at your leisure.
Cinemagoers. Ensure you get more for your money by only going to see long films.
Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You’ll never see it again.
Make your own mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.
Ladies. When invited to a Buckingham Palace garden party go wearing hair rollers to make the Queen think you’re going somewhere really important afterwards.
Gardeners. Wrap seedling potatoes in a wire mesh before planting. When they’re fully grown you can harvest ready-cut chips.
Save time crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
Motorists. Find out the price of petrol everywhere by going to a BP garage and deducting 7p from their display price.
Italians.Set your watches 2 hours fast. That way wherever you’re going you’ll arrive on time.
Amateur pool players. Appear more skilful than you actually are by grimacing and sounding disappointed after every rubbish shot.
Radio 5 Live listeners. Find out which Z-list celebrity will be appearing on the days talk shows to plug their book or show by watching BBC Breakfast earlier that morning.
City gents. Simulate the thrills of ski jumping by leaning forward and placing your umbrella under your arm next time you go down an escalator.
Homeless people. Take the mick by asking for money “for a cup of tea” whilst drunk out of your head on Special Brew.
Lighten up worrying trips to the doctor by posing every question with the prefix “Doctor, Doctor”.
Shoes will last twice as long if you only wear them every other day.
Save money on tattoos by having a small one done over a muscle, then go to the gym and pound that muscle with weights. After a few weeks you’ll have a big tattoo for the price of a small one.
Help to eradicate bird flu by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to your birdbath. For owls you’ll have to use nightnurse.
Spook owners of cars with tinted windows. Upon seeing one driving past, wink conspiratorily and touch your nose.
Old people. If you feel cold in the winter, simply pop outside for 10 minutes without a coat on. When you go back inside you’ll be as warm as toast.
Town Councils. Reduce litter problems by issuing blind people with pointy sticks.
Increase your life expectancy by expecting to live longer than you did beforehand.
Save electricity by shortening the cables to all your household electrical appliances.
Power companies. After a power cut, wait until midnight before turning on the power again. That way everybody’s alarm clocks and videos will be automatically re-set.
Confuse people by mixing butter with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. They won’t know what to think.
Keep a copy of Love Actually or Mrs Doubtfire in your medicine cabinet at home. The last 5 minutes of these films can induce vomiting if toxic substances have been accidentally swallowed.
Birdwatchers. Save hours sitting around waiting to see which species land on your bird table. Simply mix the bird food with rat poison and you’ll find dozens of birds laying around the foot of your bird table to inspect and tick off at your leisure.
Cinemagoers. Ensure you get more for your money by only going to see long films.
Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You’ll never see it again.
Make your own mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.
Ladies. When invited to a Buckingham Palace garden party go wearing hair rollers to make the Queen think you’re going somewhere really important afterwards.
Gardeners. Wrap seedling potatoes in a wire mesh before planting. When they’re fully grown you can harvest ready-cut chips.
A few more from the 2nd Top Tips book:
Convince colleagues you’re Andy Murray by taking your mum and girlfriend to work with you.
Mourners. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.
Save space in your freezer by storing frozen peas in the holes in potato waffles.
Justify drinking alone by surfing Facebook at the same time and becoming a social drinker.
Shoppers. Confuse staff at Argos by stealing all their biros and replacing them with IKEA pencils.
Thrifty shoppers. Save cash when buying apples in the supermarket by removing the stalks to reduce the weight. You’ll be smiling all the way to the checkout on your 176th visit as you effectively claim your free apple.
Shoppers. When you have finished and are leaving the supermarket, kindly offer your shopping list to people who are going in, as they may have forgotten to make one.
Want to know the time? Simply go to Argos and buy yourself a cheap watch and you should find the time printed on the receipt.
Calculate your body weight by standing on your scales wearing just your shoes and note your weight, x. Then weigh one of your shoes and note the weight, y. Your bodyweight, w, is then given by the equation w=x-2y.
Firewalkers. Avoid getting your feet blistered or burnt by replacing your hot coals with Tesco Instant Light Charcoal Briquettes.
Dentists. Save time telling patients to “open wide” by simply showing really scary movies on a TV glued to the ceiling.
Charitable people. Instead of buying the Big Issue, simply give the seller a house brick, roof tile, or door handle, which can form the basis of a home-build project.
Rebellious Arabs. Increase your chances of overthrowing a well-armed military dictatorship by not firing half your ammo into the sky every time you drive past a BBC camera crew.
Recreate a visit to the homeopath by simply drinking some tap water and throwing £50 out the window.
Place chairs alongside the touchline at football matches so that if a mouse runs onto the pitch during the game, the female referees assistant can jump onto one and scream her head off.
Model train enthusiasts. Save money on buying expensive model train sets by simply standing very far away from a normal sized train station.
Give Monday mornings that Friday feeling by not turning up to work on Tuesday.
Save the price of one of those blankets with arms in by putting your dressing gown on backwards.
Surname Castle? Christen your son Warwick and save a fortune on personalised gifts by buying all his presents from the souvenir shop at Warwick Castle.
After a hard night’s drinking, eat two heaped spoonfuls of Bisto powder before going to bed and “stir” by gyrating your hips. The following morning’s visit to the toilet will now be nicely thickened.
Men. Recreate the excitement of a Soho peep show by going to a nudist beach wearing a burka.
Tell your friends you’ve got access to Narnia by storing your Christmas tree in the back of your wardrobe.
Offset the carbon footprint of your daily car trip to work by driving home in reverse.
Farmers. Instead of injecting your animals with hormones, improve the taste of the meat by injecting them with sauces, for example mint for sheep and gravy for cows.
Jobless people. Why not retrain as Premier League football managers? Vacancies are always cropping up.
A small bird tied by the leg to your ear with a short piece of string makes an ideal fan in warm weather.
Australians. Prepare for putting out this summer’s bush fires by collecting and storing flood waters from Queensland.
Dog owners. Convince your pet that he or she is going deaf by silently mouthing the words “fetch” and “walkies”.
Use paper underwear but don’t throw it away after use. Simply use a rubber to remove the skid marks.
Girls. Embarrassing noises while on the toilet? Simply leave an empty trombone stand outside the lavatory door and people will think that you are just practising.
Save money on milk by not reporting your neighbour’s death. You can even leave a note for their milkman to bring extra items like eggs and spuds.
US troops. Catch members of the Taliban by setting large mousetraps in the Tora Bora Hills and baiting them with a little girl learning to read.
Unpopular politicians. Avoid wasting eggs in public by driving to functions in a large frying pan.
Game show and cereal enthusiasts. Recreate the madness of the end of The Crystal Maze by quickly picking all the raisins out of your muesli, but for every oat you pick up deduct a raisin.
Convince colleagues you’re Andy Murray by taking your mum and girlfriend to work with you.
Mourners. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.
Save space in your freezer by storing frozen peas in the holes in potato waffles.
Justify drinking alone by surfing Facebook at the same time and becoming a social drinker.
Shoppers. Confuse staff at Argos by stealing all their biros and replacing them with IKEA pencils.
Thrifty shoppers. Save cash when buying apples in the supermarket by removing the stalks to reduce the weight. You’ll be smiling all the way to the checkout on your 176th visit as you effectively claim your free apple.
Shoppers. When you have finished and are leaving the supermarket, kindly offer your shopping list to people who are going in, as they may have forgotten to make one.
Want to know the time? Simply go to Argos and buy yourself a cheap watch and you should find the time printed on the receipt.
Calculate your body weight by standing on your scales wearing just your shoes and note your weight, x. Then weigh one of your shoes and note the weight, y. Your bodyweight, w, is then given by the equation w=x-2y.
Firewalkers. Avoid getting your feet blistered or burnt by replacing your hot coals with Tesco Instant Light Charcoal Briquettes.
Dentists. Save time telling patients to “open wide” by simply showing really scary movies on a TV glued to the ceiling.
Charitable people. Instead of buying the Big Issue, simply give the seller a house brick, roof tile, or door handle, which can form the basis of a home-build project.
Rebellious Arabs. Increase your chances of overthrowing a well-armed military dictatorship by not firing half your ammo into the sky every time you drive past a BBC camera crew.
Recreate a visit to the homeopath by simply drinking some tap water and throwing £50 out the window.
Place chairs alongside the touchline at football matches so that if a mouse runs onto the pitch during the game, the female referees assistant can jump onto one and scream her head off.
Model train enthusiasts. Save money on buying expensive model train sets by simply standing very far away from a normal sized train station.
Give Monday mornings that Friday feeling by not turning up to work on Tuesday.
Save the price of one of those blankets with arms in by putting your dressing gown on backwards.
Surname Castle? Christen your son Warwick and save a fortune on personalised gifts by buying all his presents from the souvenir shop at Warwick Castle.
After a hard night’s drinking, eat two heaped spoonfuls of Bisto powder before going to bed and “stir” by gyrating your hips. The following morning’s visit to the toilet will now be nicely thickened.
Men. Recreate the excitement of a Soho peep show by going to a nudist beach wearing a burka.
Tell your friends you’ve got access to Narnia by storing your Christmas tree in the back of your wardrobe.
Offset the carbon footprint of your daily car trip to work by driving home in reverse.
Farmers. Instead of injecting your animals with hormones, improve the taste of the meat by injecting them with sauces, for example mint for sheep and gravy for cows.
Jobless people. Why not retrain as Premier League football managers? Vacancies are always cropping up.
A small bird tied by the leg to your ear with a short piece of string makes an ideal fan in warm weather.
Australians. Prepare for putting out this summer’s bush fires by collecting and storing flood waters from Queensland.
Dog owners. Convince your pet that he or she is going deaf by silently mouthing the words “fetch” and “walkies”.
Use paper underwear but don’t throw it away after use. Simply use a rubber to remove the skid marks.
Girls. Embarrassing noises while on the toilet? Simply leave an empty trombone stand outside the lavatory door and people will think that you are just practising.
Save money on milk by not reporting your neighbour’s death. You can even leave a note for their milkman to bring extra items like eggs and spuds.
US troops. Catch members of the Taliban by setting large mousetraps in the Tora Bora Hills and baiting them with a little girl learning to read.
Unpopular politicians. Avoid wasting eggs in public by driving to functions in a large frying pan.
Game show and cereal enthusiasts. Recreate the madness of the end of The Crystal Maze by quickly picking all the raisins out of your muesli, but for every oat you pick up deduct a raisin.
Convince colleagues you’re Andy Murray by taking your mum and girlfriend to work with you.
Mourners. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.
Save space in your freezer by storing frozen peas in the holes in potato waffles.
Justify drinking alone by surfing Facebook at the same time and becoming a social drinker.
Shoppers. Confuse staff at Argos by stealing all their biros and replacing them with IKEA pencils.
Thrifty shoppers. Save cash when buying apples in the supermarket by removing the stalks to reduce the weight. You’ll be smiling all the way to the checkout on your 176th visit as you effectively claim your free apple.
Shoppers. When you have finished and are leaving the supermarket, kindly offer your shopping list to people who are going in, as they may have forgotten to make one.
Want to know the time? Simply go to Argos and buy yourself a cheap watch and you should find the time printed on the receipt.
Calculate your body weight by standing on your scales wearing just your shoes and note your weight, x. Then weigh one of your shoes and note the weight, y. Your bodyweight, w, is then given by the equation w=x-2y.
Firewalkers. Avoid getting your feet blistered or burnt by replacing your hot coals with Tesco Instant Light Charcoal Briquettes.
Dentists. Save time telling patients to “open wide” by simply showing really scary movies on a TV glued to the ceiling.
Charitable people. Instead of buying the Big Issue, simply give the seller a house brick, roof tile, or door handle, which can form the basis of a home-build project.
Rebellious Arabs. Increase your chances of overthrowing a well-armed military dictatorship by not firing half your ammo into the sky every time you drive past a BBC camera crew.
Recreate a visit to the homeopath by simply drinking some tap water and throwing £50 out the window.
Place chairs alongside the touchline at football matches so that if a mouse runs onto the pitch during the game, the female referees assistant can jump onto one and scream her head off.
Model train enthusiasts. Save money on buying expensive model train sets by simply standing very far away from a normal sized train station.
Give Monday mornings that Friday feeling by not turning up to work on Tuesday.
Save the price of one of those blankets with arms in by putting your dressing gown on backwards.
Surname Castle? Christen your son Warwick and save a fortune on personalised gifts by buying all his presents from the souvenir shop at Warwick Castle.
After a hard night’s drinking, eat two heaped spoonfuls of Bisto powder before going to bed and “stir” by gyrating your hips. The following morning’s visit to the toilet will now be nicely thickened.
Men. Recreate the excitement of a Soho peep show by going to a nudist beach wearing a burka.
Tell your friends you’ve got access to Narnia by storing your Christmas tree in the back of your wardrobe.
Offset the carbon footprint of your daily car trip to work by driving home in reverse.
Farmers. Instead of injecting your animals with hormones, improve the taste of the meat by injecting them with sauces, for example mint for sheep and gravy for cows.
Jobless people. Why not retrain as Premier League football managers? Vacancies are always cropping up.
A small bird tied by the leg to your ear with a short piece of string makes an ideal fan in warm weather.
Australians. Prepare for putting out this summer’s bush fires by collecting and storing flood waters from Queensland.
Dog owners. Convince your pet that he or she is going deaf by silently mouthing the words “fetch” and “walkies”.
Use paper underwear but don’t throw it away after use. Simply use a rubber to remove the skid marks.
Girls. Embarrassing noises while on the toilet? Simply leave an empty trombone stand outside the lavatory door and people will think that you are just practising.
Save money on milk by not reporting your neighbour’s death. You can even leave a note for their milkman to bring extra items like eggs and spuds.
US troops. Catch members of the Taliban by setting large mousetraps in the Tora Bora Hills and baiting them with a little girl learning to read.
Unpopular politicians. Avoid wasting eggs in public by driving to functions in a large frying pan.
Game show and cereal enthusiasts. Recreate the madness of the end of The Crystal Maze by quickly picking all the raisins out of your muesli, but for every oat you pick up deduct a raisin.
Save time when counting to 10 by starting at number 4. If you are in a real hurry. Start at number 5.
Bono. Take the mick by spending thousands of pounds on sunglasses and ask the working class to give to charity.
Don’t want to move out of your favourite armchair to make dinner? Simply put the ingredients in a slow cooker tied to the back of a tortoise and leave a trail of lettuce leaves from your kitchen to your chair. In 6 hours time your meal will be ready and delivered to your feet.
Rail passengers. Try pressing the button to open the door as the train pulls away. It won’t open, but it will provide the driver with amusement as he watches on the CCTV.
Subbuteo fans. Recreate the authentic World Cup atmosphere by having a paper bag full of wasps in the vicinity of your pitch.
Dustmen. Save energy by leaving my bin outside my house after you’ve emptied it instead of dragging it into a different postcode.
Public toilet users. When you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can be greeted with a loud cheer.
BBC producers. If someone from Newcastle appears on one of your programmes, show a short montage of them walking along the Quayside with the Tyne Bridge in the background. As far as I know, this has never been done before.
Banana lovers. Buy your bananas in bunches of 5 on a Sunday. Then arrange them in order of ripeness and write a day of the week on each banana in felt pen, Monday on the ripest, Friday on the greenest, to save time making those decisions on a hectic weekday morning.
Hayfever sufferers. Don’t waste money on expensive pills and nasal sprays. Simply glue a bee to your upper lip. The insect workaholic will grab all the stray pollen heading towards your nostrils and transform it into delicious honey for your toast.
Males. If stuck for something to talk about with other equally awkward males at social gatherings, simply pipe up about a random A-road or motorway that you crossed on your journey and mention that it was “quite busy”. This will spark off an exchange of similar road-themed anecdotes that should last until home time.
Housewives. Don’t waste kitchen roll mopping up spilt milk. Simply place a Weetabix in the centre of the puddle to soak it up and pop it in the fridge for the following day’s breakfast.
Police officers. Tackle the problem of ladies of the night in cities by visiting “red light districts” and replacing all the bulbs with conventional ones.
Save time getting dressed for work by getting a job in a nudist colony.
Americans. Build your house out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed every few weeks by a hurricane.
Fool the police into thinking you have committed a crime by simply concealing one hand inside your jacket and running away each time you see them.
Mourners. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.
Save space in your freezer by storing frozen peas in the holes in potato waffles.
Justify drinking alone by surfing Facebook at the same time and becoming a social drinker.
Shoppers. Confuse staff at Argos by stealing all their biros and replacing them with IKEA pencils.
Thrifty shoppers. Save cash when buying apples in the supermarket by removing the stalks to reduce the weight. You’ll be smiling all the way to the checkout on your 176th visit as you effectively claim your free apple.
Shoppers. When you have finished and are leaving the supermarket, kindly offer your shopping list to people who are going in, as they may have forgotten to make one.
Want to know the time? Simply go to Argos and buy yourself a cheap watch and you should find the time printed on the receipt.
Calculate your body weight by standing on your scales wearing just your shoes and note your weight, x. Then weigh one of your shoes and note the weight, y. Your bodyweight, w, is then given by the equation w=x-2y.
Firewalkers. Avoid getting your feet blistered or burnt by replacing your hot coals with Tesco Instant Light Charcoal Briquettes.
Dentists. Save time telling patients to “open wide” by simply showing really scary movies on a TV glued to the ceiling.
Charitable people. Instead of buying the Big Issue, simply give the seller a house brick, roof tile, or door handle, which can form the basis of a home-build project.
Rebellious Arabs. Increase your chances of overthrowing a well-armed military dictatorship by not firing half your ammo into the sky every time you drive past a BBC camera crew.
Recreate a visit to the homeopath by simply drinking some tap water and throwing £50 out the window.
Place chairs alongside the touchline at football matches so that if a mouse runs onto the pitch during the game, the female referees assistant can jump onto one and scream her head off.
Model train enthusiasts. Save money on buying expensive model train sets by simply standing very far away from a normal sized train station.
Give Monday mornings that Friday feeling by not turning up to work on Tuesday.
Save the price of one of those blankets with arms in by putting your dressing gown on backwards.
Surname Castle? Christen your son Warwick and save a fortune on personalised gifts by buying all his presents from the souvenir shop at Warwick Castle.
After a hard night’s drinking, eat two heaped spoonfuls of Bisto powder before going to bed and “stir” by gyrating your hips. The following morning’s visit to the toilet will now be nicely thickened.
Men. Recreate the excitement of a Soho peep show by going to a nudist beach wearing a burka.
Tell your friends you’ve got access to Narnia by storing your Christmas tree in the back of your wardrobe.
Offset the carbon footprint of your daily car trip to work by driving home in reverse.
Farmers. Instead of injecting your animals with hormones, improve the taste of the meat by injecting them with sauces, for example mint for sheep and gravy for cows.
Jobless people. Why not retrain as Premier League football managers? Vacancies are always cropping up.
A small bird tied by the leg to your ear with a short piece of string makes an ideal fan in warm weather.
Australians. Prepare for putting out this summer’s bush fires by collecting and storing flood waters from Queensland.
Dog owners. Convince your pet that he or she is going deaf by silently mouthing the words “fetch” and “walkies”.
Use paper underwear but don’t throw it away after use. Simply use a rubber to remove the skid marks.
Girls. Embarrassing noises while on the toilet? Simply leave an empty trombone stand outside the lavatory door and people will think that you are just practising.
Save money on milk by not reporting your neighbour’s death. You can even leave a note for their milkman to bring extra items like eggs and spuds.
US troops. Catch members of the Taliban by setting large mousetraps in the Tora Bora Hills and baiting them with a little girl learning to read.
Unpopular politicians. Avoid wasting eggs in public by driving to functions in a large frying pan.
Game show and cereal enthusiasts. Recreate the madness of the end of The Crystal Maze by quickly picking all the raisins out of your muesli, but for every oat you pick up deduct a raisin.
Save time when counting to 10 by starting at number 4. If you are in a real hurry. Start at number 5.
Bono. Take the mick by spending thousands of pounds on sunglasses and ask the working class to give to charity.
Don’t want to move out of your favourite armchair to make dinner? Simply put the ingredients in a slow cooker tied to the back of a tortoise and leave a trail of lettuce leaves from your kitchen to your chair. In 6 hours time your meal will be ready and delivered to your feet.
Rail passengers. Try pressing the button to open the door as the train pulls away. It won’t open, but it will provide the driver with amusement as he watches on the CCTV.
Subbuteo fans. Recreate the authentic World Cup atmosphere by having a paper bag full of wasps in the vicinity of your pitch.
Dustmen. Save energy by leaving my bin outside my house after you’ve emptied it instead of dragging it into a different postcode.
Public toilet users. When you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can be greeted with a loud cheer.
BBC producers. If someone from Newcastle appears on one of your programmes, show a short montage of them walking along the Quayside with the Tyne Bridge in the background. As far as I know, this has never been done before.
Banana lovers. Buy your bananas in bunches of 5 on a Sunday. Then arrange them in order of ripeness and write a day of the week on each banana in felt pen, Monday on the ripest, Friday on the greenest, to save time making those decisions on a hectic weekday morning.
Hayfever sufferers. Don’t waste money on expensive pills and nasal sprays. Simply glue a bee to your upper lip. The insect workaholic will grab all the stray pollen heading towards your nostrils and transform it into delicious honey for your toast.
Males. If stuck for something to talk about with other equally awkward males at social gatherings, simply pipe up about a random A-road or motorway that you crossed on your journey and mention that it was “quite busy”. This will spark off an exchange of similar road-themed anecdotes that should last until home time.
Housewives. Don’t waste kitchen roll mopping up spilt milk. Simply place a Weetabix in the centre of the puddle to soak it up and pop it in the fridge for the following day’s breakfast.
Police officers. Tackle the problem of ladies of the night in cities by visiting “red light districts” and replacing all the bulbs with conventional ones.
Save time getting dressed for work by getting a job in a nudist colony.
Americans. Build your house out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed every few weeks by a hurricane.
Fool the police into thinking you have committed a crime by simply concealing one hand inside your jacket and running away each time you see them.
Why are you repeating 'items' in your posts?
Jeremy Kyle. Avoid causing offence when speaking to the vermin on your show by saying “I’m not judging you” before slagging them off. This will also allow the morons in the audience to nod in a superior manner.
Trainspotters. Mingle with normal people on the station platform. You can record the train numbers just as easily as you could standing on the end of the platform, which only makes you a target for scorn and ridicule.
Condemned prisoners. Listen to late-night Talksport during your last night before being put to death. It will make your final hours stretch out endlessly, and cause you to actively welcome the arrival of your executioner in the morning.
Angry teenagers. Save time self-harming by shaving with a BIC razor.
Hairdressers. Instead of repeatedly asking customers parrot fashion where they are going on holiday, why not charge less for a dry trim? That way they might be able to go further than Butlins at Minehead.
Can’t afford a camera for your holiday? Simply take along a friend with a photographic memory, then have them describe all those wonderful holiday memories when you get home.
Countdown contestants. Always choose consonants for your first three letters so that sad, unemployed male viewers can get a good view of Rachel’s backside as she twists to lift them.
Don’t throw out that old record player. It makes an ideal revolving serving platter for cakes, where diners can pick a cake as it spins by. Set it to 33rpm for rock cakes and scones, 45rpm for Eccles cakes and Battenburg, and 78rpm for Danish pastries.
Teenagers. Shave minutes off your daily routine by forcing your face into a colander to burst your acne.
Fool your girlfriend into thinking that you don’t fancy her identical twin sister by telling her that you think she’s ugly.
Sculptors. When designing a new statue for your city centre, why not add a traffic cone to its head to discourage drunk revellers from risking death at 3am?
East Sussex council. Save money on cleaning up graffiti by adding an F to the name of the River Uck and be done with it.
Raspberries make excellent afros for mice.
Bird watchers. Get a closer look at birds by shooting them dead and picking them up for inspection.
Motorists. Buy four wheel clamps for £15 each, park anywhere you like and attach them to your car. Wardens will be unable to attach any more clamps and it is still cheaper than the release fee.
Fool people into thinking you have a job in the animal testing industry by throwing paint stripper over your car.
Guinness World Records fans. Don’t bother shoving smarties up your backside as apparently they will not accept this as a world record.
Rational thinkers. Test your self-control by listening to Thought Of The Day on Radio 4, while trying to refrain from laughing out loud or shouting “rubbish” at the radio.
Cheese eaters. Instead of eating a large piece of mild cheese, save time and money by eating a much smaller piece of extra mature cheese.
Vacuum cleaner manufacturers. Install headphone ports into your products, then only the user will have to put up with the noise.
Action heroes. Save money on guns by not throwing them on the floor the moment they run out of ammunition.
Hollywood directors. If the action jumps to Paris, have an onscreen caption saying “Paris, France” over a shot of the Eiffel Tower just in case the audience think you mean some other Paris.
Save money on alarm clocks by living next door to idiots.
Replacement clothes line too long? Measure it to find the extra length, then simply knock down your house and rebuild it the requisite distance from your linen post.
Hair straightners make an ideal grill for one fishfinger.
Kraft cheese slices make ideal patches for heavy cheese eaters who are trying to cut down.
Increase the size of your rooms by decorating them with thinner wallpaper.
Convince people that you are a secret service agent by attaching a piece of curly telephone cable to your ear and occasionally raising your hand to it while frowning.
English Defence League members. When holding up signs saying “Ban The Burka” you might want to reconsider wearing a balaclava so as not to appear overly hypocritical.
Make passers by think your dog is a robot by feeding it a roll of tinfoil before taking it to the local park to do its business.
Shift workers. Can’t get to sleep during the day because it’s too light? Simply take a wind up torch to bed, turn it on and wind the handle the wrong way.
Spray fish and chips with Mr Muscle window cleaner. It contains vinegar and will cut through grease, leaving your meal more healthy.
Smokers. When non-smokers visit your house, ask them to stand outside in the cold while you have a fag.
Midgets. Appear taller by snacking on fun-size Mars bars and speaking very quietly, thus giving the impression that you are merely a long way away.
Tramps. Make passers-by think you are eloquent by sipping your Special Brew with your pinky finger pointing out.
BBC newsreaders. Introduce news scares about legal drugs, immigrants etc by using the words “suspected”, “possible”, and “we understand” repeatedly. This will save you having to research and true facts.
Torch owners. When looking for your torch in the dark, avoid wasting batteries in a second torch by just waiting until it’s light to look for it.
If you are over 10 metres in front of someone, don’t hold the door open for them. You’re not doing them a favour, all you’re doing is making them run.
Avoid being punched in the nose the next time you plan to insult someone by simply saying “No disrespect but......” at the start of a sentence. It never fails to subdue the victim.
Alcoholics. Pretend your life is one big episode of Cheers by inviting the postman and a psychiatrist around for drinks every afternoon.
Save money on window cleaners by covering your windows in clingfilm and removing it when dirty.
Create that “just been to the swimming pool” feeling by spraying yourself with bleach, rubbing chilli sauce in your eyes, and stuffing your ears with Blu-Tac.
Daily Mail readers. Test your reader’s memories by constantly filling your paper with inflammatory articles about asylum seekers and immigrants and then feigning disgust when the BNP gets elected.
Driving towards a red traffic light extremely fast will create the “blue shift” effect, making it appear green, allowing you to go straight over.
Car owners. Dissuade humorous neighbours from saying “you can do mine next” when you’re cleaning your car by keeping a hammer in your pocket and start to batter your windscreen when you see them approaching.
Aquarium owners. Slow your fish down to a more therapeutic pace by filling your tank with clear hair gel.
Daily Mail editors. Confuse your readers by claiming that asylum seekers are the natural predators of paedophiles.
Ladies. Save money on sexy lace underwear by stapling paper doilies to your usual underwear.
Wasps make ideal doormen for beehives.
Don’t waste money buying Lo-Salt. Normal salt is the same height and twice as tasty.
Recreate the danger of a parachute jump in safety by going on Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.
Jury foremen. Add reality-style TV suspense to your verdict by saying “We the jury find the defendant.......” and then leaving a 30-second pause before delivering the outcome whilst another jury member plays a low roll on a kettle drum.
Harrods customers. When entering the shop, always have a large wad of money in your hand so that the doormen and other staff will see that you can afford their stuff and won’t look at you as if you’re something that just dropped off a tramp’s backside.
Trainspotters. Type the name of the train you wish to spot into Google. You can use the time you save to get on with your life.
City-Link couriers. Maintain good relations with your customers by assuring them that the next urgent package you want sending from Derby to Nottingham won’t end up in South Africa.
Help to replenish the world’s oxygen supply by taking a deep breath of city centre air and breathing out near a tree.
Bodybuilders. Strands of cooked spaghetti draped all over your body give your muscles that “ripped” look that will be the envy of everyone at the gym.
Keep wives and girlfriends on their toes by telling them they are the fattest girl you have ever been out with.
Ugly birds. Become better looking by simply moving north.
Reduce the risk of a night-time fire by soaking all of your furniture with a garden hose before going to bed.
Shoppers. Get more for your money by peeling oranges before you take them to the counter to be weighed.
Wig wearers. A duck placed on your head makes a warm and waterproof alternative to your usual wig on those rainy days. For gentlemen with larger heads, try a small goose.
Film action heroes. Never show any pain when receiving the beating of a lifetime but wince when having your wounds tended by a woman.
People on Eastenders. Don’t talk to stall owners or they will make you mind their stall while they go off and settle a score of some sort.
Spectacle wearers. While having your morning dump, take a piece of toilet paper, clean your glasses, and then wipe your backside. Two uses of the paper! NB – it must be done in that order.
Bookshop owners. Annoy Christians by putting the Bible in the “Fiction” section of your shop.
Astronauts. If contemplating another moon landing, increase your chances of success by travelling there when the moon is full.
Trainspotters. Mingle with normal people on the station platform. You can record the train numbers just as easily as you could standing on the end of the platform, which only makes you a target for scorn and ridicule.
Condemned prisoners. Listen to late-night Talksport during your last night before being put to death. It will make your final hours stretch out endlessly, and cause you to actively welcome the arrival of your executioner in the morning.
Angry teenagers. Save time self-harming by shaving with a BIC razor.
Hairdressers. Instead of repeatedly asking customers parrot fashion where they are going on holiday, why not charge less for a dry trim? That way they might be able to go further than Butlins at Minehead.
Can’t afford a camera for your holiday? Simply take along a friend with a photographic memory, then have them describe all those wonderful holiday memories when you get home.
Countdown contestants. Always choose consonants for your first three letters so that sad, unemployed male viewers can get a good view of Rachel’s backside as she twists to lift them.
Don’t throw out that old record player. It makes an ideal revolving serving platter for cakes, where diners can pick a cake as it spins by. Set it to 33rpm for rock cakes and scones, 45rpm for Eccles cakes and Battenburg, and 78rpm for Danish pastries.
Teenagers. Shave minutes off your daily routine by forcing your face into a colander to burst your acne.
Fool your girlfriend into thinking that you don’t fancy her identical twin sister by telling her that you think she’s ugly.
Sculptors. When designing a new statue for your city centre, why not add a traffic cone to its head to discourage drunk revellers from risking death at 3am?
East Sussex council. Save money on cleaning up graffiti by adding an F to the name of the River Uck and be done with it.
Raspberries make excellent afros for mice.
Bird watchers. Get a closer look at birds by shooting them dead and picking them up for inspection.
Motorists. Buy four wheel clamps for £15 each, park anywhere you like and attach them to your car. Wardens will be unable to attach any more clamps and it is still cheaper than the release fee.
Fool people into thinking you have a job in the animal testing industry by throwing paint stripper over your car.
Guinness World Records fans. Don’t bother shoving smarties up your backside as apparently they will not accept this as a world record.
Rational thinkers. Test your self-control by listening to Thought Of The Day on Radio 4, while trying to refrain from laughing out loud or shouting “rubbish” at the radio.
Cheese eaters. Instead of eating a large piece of mild cheese, save time and money by eating a much smaller piece of extra mature cheese.
Vacuum cleaner manufacturers. Install headphone ports into your products, then only the user will have to put up with the noise.
Action heroes. Save money on guns by not throwing them on the floor the moment they run out of ammunition.
Hollywood directors. If the action jumps to Paris, have an onscreen caption saying “Paris, France” over a shot of the Eiffel Tower just in case the audience think you mean some other Paris.
Save money on alarm clocks by living next door to idiots.
Replacement clothes line too long? Measure it to find the extra length, then simply knock down your house and rebuild it the requisite distance from your linen post.
Hair straightners make an ideal grill for one fishfinger.
Kraft cheese slices make ideal patches for heavy cheese eaters who are trying to cut down.
Increase the size of your rooms by decorating them with thinner wallpaper.
Convince people that you are a secret service agent by attaching a piece of curly telephone cable to your ear and occasionally raising your hand to it while frowning.
English Defence League members. When holding up signs saying “Ban The Burka” you might want to reconsider wearing a balaclava so as not to appear overly hypocritical.
Make passers by think your dog is a robot by feeding it a roll of tinfoil before taking it to the local park to do its business.
Shift workers. Can’t get to sleep during the day because it’s too light? Simply take a wind up torch to bed, turn it on and wind the handle the wrong way.
Spray fish and chips with Mr Muscle window cleaner. It contains vinegar and will cut through grease, leaving your meal more healthy.
Smokers. When non-smokers visit your house, ask them to stand outside in the cold while you have a fag.
Midgets. Appear taller by snacking on fun-size Mars bars and speaking very quietly, thus giving the impression that you are merely a long way away.
Tramps. Make passers-by think you are eloquent by sipping your Special Brew with your pinky finger pointing out.
BBC newsreaders. Introduce news scares about legal drugs, immigrants etc by using the words “suspected”, “possible”, and “we understand” repeatedly. This will save you having to research and true facts.
Torch owners. When looking for your torch in the dark, avoid wasting batteries in a second torch by just waiting until it’s light to look for it.
If you are over 10 metres in front of someone, don’t hold the door open for them. You’re not doing them a favour, all you’re doing is making them run.
Avoid being punched in the nose the next time you plan to insult someone by simply saying “No disrespect but......” at the start of a sentence. It never fails to subdue the victim.
Alcoholics. Pretend your life is one big episode of Cheers by inviting the postman and a psychiatrist around for drinks every afternoon.
Save money on window cleaners by covering your windows in clingfilm and removing it when dirty.
Create that “just been to the swimming pool” feeling by spraying yourself with bleach, rubbing chilli sauce in your eyes, and stuffing your ears with Blu-Tac.
Daily Mail readers. Test your reader’s memories by constantly filling your paper with inflammatory articles about asylum seekers and immigrants and then feigning disgust when the BNP gets elected.
Driving towards a red traffic light extremely fast will create the “blue shift” effect, making it appear green, allowing you to go straight over.
Car owners. Dissuade humorous neighbours from saying “you can do mine next” when you’re cleaning your car by keeping a hammer in your pocket and start to batter your windscreen when you see them approaching.
Aquarium owners. Slow your fish down to a more therapeutic pace by filling your tank with clear hair gel.
Daily Mail editors. Confuse your readers by claiming that asylum seekers are the natural predators of paedophiles.
Ladies. Save money on sexy lace underwear by stapling paper doilies to your usual underwear.
Wasps make ideal doormen for beehives.
Don’t waste money buying Lo-Salt. Normal salt is the same height and twice as tasty.
Recreate the danger of a parachute jump in safety by going on Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.
Jury foremen. Add reality-style TV suspense to your verdict by saying “We the jury find the defendant.......” and then leaving a 30-second pause before delivering the outcome whilst another jury member plays a low roll on a kettle drum.
Harrods customers. When entering the shop, always have a large wad of money in your hand so that the doormen and other staff will see that you can afford their stuff and won’t look at you as if you’re something that just dropped off a tramp’s backside.
Trainspotters. Type the name of the train you wish to spot into Google. You can use the time you save to get on with your life.
City-Link couriers. Maintain good relations with your customers by assuring them that the next urgent package you want sending from Derby to Nottingham won’t end up in South Africa.
Help to replenish the world’s oxygen supply by taking a deep breath of city centre air and breathing out near a tree.
Bodybuilders. Strands of cooked spaghetti draped all over your body give your muscles that “ripped” look that will be the envy of everyone at the gym.
Keep wives and girlfriends on their toes by telling them they are the fattest girl you have ever been out with.
Ugly birds. Become better looking by simply moving north.
Reduce the risk of a night-time fire by soaking all of your furniture with a garden hose before going to bed.
Shoppers. Get more for your money by peeling oranges before you take them to the counter to be weighed.
Wig wearers. A duck placed on your head makes a warm and waterproof alternative to your usual wig on those rainy days. For gentlemen with larger heads, try a small goose.
Film action heroes. Never show any pain when receiving the beating of a lifetime but wince when having your wounds tended by a woman.
People on Eastenders. Don’t talk to stall owners or they will make you mind their stall while they go off and settle a score of some sort.
Spectacle wearers. While having your morning dump, take a piece of toilet paper, clean your glasses, and then wipe your backside. Two uses of the paper! NB – it must be done in that order.
Bookshop owners. Annoy Christians by putting the Bible in the “Fiction” section of your shop.
Astronauts. If contemplating another moon landing, increase your chances of success by travelling there when the moon is full.
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