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I sat staring into the sun earlier, merely trying to accept myself on a brighter level. My eyes were burning through the pain of no sleep, my body was burning through the pain of living.
I tried to place my hand inside my mind and extract what was hurting, yet I realised moments later you cannot grab or touch something that isn't there. You can't bring out the emptiness, it'll always exist.
The people I love most in the world are mostly false, I hold back the truth that only I know because.. I know.
Yet I bring myself back to where I started over two years ago. The forums which became my dwelling place. I'm older now, I have more scars. In the past twelve months I've endured so much mental pain I could seriously feel my own body wanting to not return from a rare sleep. My case is empty. It shouts at me to stop talking to it. I cannot find a way forward. I cannot forgive her.
Who is she? I don't expect you to know, we broke up in September 2002, and last summer she died infront of me from an overdose. I loved her and this is how I was repaid. I can't forgive because I will never get the answers.
As for the rest of me. it's angry. Angry because I deserve so much more. Surely? Why can't I have it how I want it. I've done my time, I've lived through the ladder. The rungs aren't breaking anymore. My ladder is just burning at the bottom.
I'm too confused to post more. Yet here I am. Back at the start.
You'll all know me oneday.
You'll all know me.
I tried to place my hand inside my mind and extract what was hurting, yet I realised moments later you cannot grab or touch something that isn't there. You can't bring out the emptiness, it'll always exist.
The people I love most in the world are mostly false, I hold back the truth that only I know because.. I know.
Yet I bring myself back to where I started over two years ago. The forums which became my dwelling place. I'm older now, I have more scars. In the past twelve months I've endured so much mental pain I could seriously feel my own body wanting to not return from a rare sleep. My case is empty. It shouts at me to stop talking to it. I cannot find a way forward. I cannot forgive her.
Who is she? I don't expect you to know, we broke up in September 2002, and last summer she died infront of me from an overdose. I loved her and this is how I was repaid. I can't forgive because I will never get the answers.
As for the rest of me. it's angry. Angry because I deserve so much more. Surely? Why can't I have it how I want it. I've done my time, I've lived through the ladder. The rungs aren't breaking anymore. My ladder is just burning at the bottom.
I'm too confused to post more. Yet here I am. Back at the start.
You'll all know me oneday.
You'll all know me.
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I sat staring into the sun earlier, merely trying to accept myself on a brighter level. My eyes were burning through the pain of no sleep, my body was burning through the pain of living.
I tried to place my hand inside my mind and extract what was hurting, yet I realised moments later you cannot grab or touch something that isn't there. You can't bring out the emptiness, it'll always exist.
The people I love most in the world are mostly false, I hold back the truth that only I know because.. I know.
Yet I bring myself back to where I started over two years ago. The forums which became my dwelling place. I'm older now, I have more scars. In the past twelve months I've endured so much mental pain I could seriously feel my own body wanting to not return from a rare sleep. My case is empty. It shouts at me to stop talking to it. I cannot find a way forward. I cannot forgive her.
Who is she? I don't expect you to know, we broke up in September 2002, and last summer she died infront of me from an overdose. I loved her and this is how I was repaid. I can't forgive because I will never get the answers.
As for the rest of me. it's angry. Angry because I deserve so much more. Surely? Why can't I have it how I want it. I've done my time, I've lived through the ladder. The rungs aren't breaking anymore. My ladder is just burning at the bottom.
I'm too confused to post more. Yet here I am. Back at the start.
You'll all know me oneday.
You'll all know me.
I tried to place my hand inside my mind and extract what was hurting, yet I realised moments later you cannot grab or touch something that isn't there. You can't bring out the emptiness, it'll always exist.
The people I love most in the world are mostly false, I hold back the truth that only I know because.. I know.
Yet I bring myself back to where I started over two years ago. The forums which became my dwelling place. I'm older now, I have more scars. In the past twelve months I've endured so much mental pain I could seriously feel my own body wanting to not return from a rare sleep. My case is empty. It shouts at me to stop talking to it. I cannot find a way forward. I cannot forgive her.
Who is she? I don't expect you to know, we broke up in September 2002, and last summer she died infront of me from an overdose. I loved her and this is how I was repaid. I can't forgive because I will never get the answers.
As for the rest of me. it's angry. Angry because I deserve so much more. Surely? Why can't I have it how I want it. I've done my time, I've lived through the ladder. The rungs aren't breaking anymore. My ladder is just burning at the bottom.
I'm too confused to post more. Yet here I am. Back at the start.
You'll all know me oneday.
You'll all know me.
Early morning is a beautiful time for reflection, good or bad.
It's hard to know what to say, but I feel something must be said nonetheless; I don't want to patronise you, or pity you. The pain of which you have suffered is bad enough, without me being like either of those.
I guess that 'it can only get better'. Crass, probably, but you've played your bad hand and I'm certain that it'll be a better shuffle this time round.
You've done nothing wrong. My solace and sympathies go out to you, for all that they're worth.
It's hard to know what to say, but I feel something must be said nonetheless; I don't want to patronise you, or pity you. The pain of which you have suffered is bad enough, without me being like either of those.
I guess that 'it can only get better'. Crass, probably, but you've played your bad hand and I'm certain that it'll be a better shuffle this time round.
You've done nothing wrong. My solace and sympathies go out to you, for all that they're worth.
Someone much wiser than I once told me about their theory of life, the theory of circles. That all you ever do in life is the same thing over and over, a circle, a cycle. All that ever changes is your state of mind, which allows you to perceive things differently.
In the small hours when I sit, bunched up in my duvet trying to solve any of the millions of questions buzzing around my mind, the theory of circles gives me a minute amount of comfort.
Everything happens for a reason, some day everything will drop into place. At least that is what I beleive.
In the small hours when I sit, bunched up in my duvet trying to solve any of the millions of questions buzzing around my mind, the theory of circles gives me a minute amount of comfort.
Everything happens for a reason, some day everything will drop into place. At least that is what I beleive.
Having someone you can about die from an overdose in front of you? Man, that's harsh, I couldn't even begin to tell you how to get beyond the grief of sometihng like that, only that you have to keep going.
I wish there was something more I could say to help. I wish you well.
I wish there was something more I could say to help. I wish you well.
I just don't know how to forgive, or get over it.
And it's not like I've tried, or haven't tried (think about that one).
I just cannot do it :(
And it's not like I've tried, or haven't tried (think about that one).
I just cannot do it :(
Ummm... Who to forgive.
Surely there is no-one except her to blame, not yourself. Although it was the Budha who said "Drive all blames into oneself."
I, obviously, haven't gone through anything like that. I've had my girlfriend slit her wris**t in front of me. I've seen the scars etc. and I jus**t don't unders**tand it. If anyone is that ill that they want to die, and I mean mentally ill, and not in a hypocrytical way either, then surely it is their only escape, whether or not it effects anyone. You see, there's a difference between wanting to die and liking the idea. In mos**t cases you see people failing, generally because they do not want to die. My girlfriend, ex now, after I broke it off took 3 overdoses in a month and was commited to 4 different psychiatris**t within that same period. I felt like sh*t. But... I dunno. Jus**t work through it... Talk to people.
Surely there is no-one except her to blame, not yourself. Although it was the Budha who said "Drive all blames into oneself."
I, obviously, haven't gone through anything like that. I've had my girlfriend slit her wris**t in front of me. I've seen the scars etc. and I jus**t don't unders**tand it. If anyone is that ill that they want to die, and I mean mentally ill, and not in a hypocrytical way either, then surely it is their only escape, whether or not it effects anyone. You see, there's a difference between wanting to die and liking the idea. In mos**t cases you see people failing, generally because they do not want to die. My girlfriend, ex now, after I broke it off took 3 overdoses in a month and was commited to 4 different psychiatris**t within that same period. I felt like sh*t. But... I dunno. Jus**t work through it... Talk to people.
er-no wrote:
> I just don't know how to forgive, or get over it.
>
> And it's not like I've tried, or haven't tried (think about that
> one).
>
> I just cannot do it :(
You say you "loved" her? I've never loved anyone but close family so I can't imagine how much it hurts breaking up with someone who means so much. I don't know why but in the past I've only ever had one "good" breakup with a girl, the rest have ended with tears and bitter feelings. But no matter how much you dislike someone who you loved, I would imagine you still care about them. This is your paradox - you are so bothered by the face that you've lost someone you "love/loved" but you still want to dislike them because you broke up.
I really dont think my rambling is helping.
> I just don't know how to forgive, or get over it.
>
> And it's not like I've tried, or haven't tried (think about that
> one).
>
> I just cannot do it :(
You say you "loved" her? I've never loved anyone but close family so I can't imagine how much it hurts breaking up with someone who means so much. I don't know why but in the past I've only ever had one "good" breakup with a girl, the rest have ended with tears and bitter feelings. But no matter how much you dislike someone who you loved, I would imagine you still care about them. This is your paradox - you are so bothered by the face that you've lost someone you "love/loved" but you still want to dislike them because you broke up.
I really dont think my rambling is helping.
Just out of interest, how old are you er-no?
in a dark moment of my own i wrote this, you reminded me of it,does it sound familiar?
" I'd like to slow down, to stop, to cease
My mind won't give me any peace"
get help.
" I'd like to slow down, to stop, to cease
My mind won't give me any peace"
get help.
Messy wrote:
> Just out of interest, how old are you er-no?
Not really worthy of an answer, for you reaction to me being 18 will be obvious - don't give me the crap and ball that I am young and have my whole life to look forward too. I just pass through each day by day, with no happiness.
> Just out of interest, how old are you er-no?
Not really worthy of an answer, for you reaction to me being 18 will be obvious - don't give me the crap and ball that I am young and have my whole life to look forward too. I just pass through each day by day, with no happiness.
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