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I'll start off ...
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
Page:
The best one there has to be
What is the name of the insect which makes honey? Honey Fly.
What is the name of the insect which makes honey? Honey Fly.
A few Weakest Link answers:
In the Second World War the word 'Commie' was a derogatory term for a person belonging to which political party? Conservative.
Macaws are from which faimly of birds? Kestrels.
What is the technical term for the mass of earth thrown out by an earthworm? Hip.
The island of Sri Lanka lies off the coast of which Asian country? South Africa.
The phrase much used by football pundits is 'early windows' or 'early doors'? Early windows.
Cognac is a fine brandy made from the juice of which fruit? Coconut.
What 'P' is the Spanish word for quick and is used in English to mean 'at once'? Pacy.
Which city was the capital of New Zealand until it was replaced by Wellington? New Guinea.
According to the popular wartime song which birds will be over the white cliffs of Dover? Jailbirds.
In the Beano comic which character is known as 'the Minx'? Dodger.
What is the name of the insect which makes honey? Honey Fly.
The plant sisal is used to make which comodity, rope or tequila? Tequila.
What two words does a drill-sergeant use to make marching troops turn around? Reverse March.
What 'X' is the fear of foreigners or strangers? The X-Factor.
In athletics in which discipline does the competitor hold a metal ball under their chin before throwing it? Discus.
Which character in a Bram Stoker novel is reportedly buried in Whitby? Sherlock Holmes.
In the kitchen which container is hermetically sealed and is also known by the metal from which it is made? Plastic.
What word for the catchment of a river is also the word for a bathroom sink? Tub.
A clog is worn on which part of the body? The bottom.
What word means the order of lessons in schools and the running of trains and buses? Agenda.
In the modern English alphabet which is the penultimate letter? Z.
Which percentage of milk is fat, four or forty? Forty.
A famous publisher of romantic novels was founded by 'Gerald Mills and Charles..' what? Dickens.
What Carly Simon song starts 'You walked into the party like you were walking aboard a yacht'? I Got You Babe.
What is the name commonly given to the hard protective covering of a crab? Skin.
What word can mean touch-down of an aeroplane or the level floor between two staircases? Step.
A person who earns just enough for basic needs is said to live 'hand to ..' what? Foot.
In America the Golden Gate Bridge is a feature of which city? New York.
The title of the musical is 'Five Guys Named..' what? Fred.
The (UK) National Space Centre is based in which Midlands city? Chicago.
The principal characters in the book Watership Down are what type of creatures? Beavers.
What is the name of a small posy of flowers worn on an evening dress - a dressage or a corsage? Pocket.
What name for someone qualified to fly a plane precedes 'fish' and 'whale' to give the names of two sea creatures? Shell.
What is the name for someone who moves stealthily, or for the plant 'Virginia..'? Wolf.
What word connected to drum, disc and air is associated with slowing down a vehicle? Gun.
In nature which group gives birth to live young - mammals or birds? Birds.
Emperor Augustus used to boast that in Rome he had found a city made of brick and left it made of what stone? Rubble.
Which 'H' means the emergence of young creatures from eggs? Hibernation.
Cotton buds carry a warning not to insert them into which part of the body? Eyes.
What war-time song by Vera Lynn included the words 'Don't know where, don't know when? We'll come again.
Cantonese and Mandarin are languages which originated in which country? Spain.
The film starring Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers was called 'Flying down to..' where? Halifax.
Elderly people are described as being what '..in the tooth'? Old.
Weight-lifting is also known as 'pumping..' what metal? Steel.
A person who is eccentric is often described as having what animals '..in the belfry'? Pigs.
The longest day of the year occurs in which month? Winter.
Budgerigars are native to which country? Britain.
What girl's name is the same as stations in London and Manchester? Piccadilly.
In the game 'scissors, paper, stone', what beats paper? Stone.
What word meaning chilly goes before snap, front and spell in weather forecasting? Fine.
What word follows record, designer and luggage to form three other phrases? Rack.
What 'L' is a pulse which is the main ingredient of the Indian dish, dhal? Rice.
What item in the kitchen might include an interior light, automatic de-frost, and an egg-rack? Microwave.
In the Second World War the word 'Commie' was a derogatory term for a person belonging to which political party? Conservative.
Macaws are from which faimly of birds? Kestrels.
What is the technical term for the mass of earth thrown out by an earthworm? Hip.
The island of Sri Lanka lies off the coast of which Asian country? South Africa.
The phrase much used by football pundits is 'early windows' or 'early doors'? Early windows.
Cognac is a fine brandy made from the juice of which fruit? Coconut.
What 'P' is the Spanish word for quick and is used in English to mean 'at once'? Pacy.
Which city was the capital of New Zealand until it was replaced by Wellington? New Guinea.
According to the popular wartime song which birds will be over the white cliffs of Dover? Jailbirds.
In the Beano comic which character is known as 'the Minx'? Dodger.
What is the name of the insect which makes honey? Honey Fly.
The plant sisal is used to make which comodity, rope or tequila? Tequila.
What two words does a drill-sergeant use to make marching troops turn around? Reverse March.
What 'X' is the fear of foreigners or strangers? The X-Factor.
In athletics in which discipline does the competitor hold a metal ball under their chin before throwing it? Discus.
Which character in a Bram Stoker novel is reportedly buried in Whitby? Sherlock Holmes.
In the kitchen which container is hermetically sealed and is also known by the metal from which it is made? Plastic.
What word for the catchment of a river is also the word for a bathroom sink? Tub.
A clog is worn on which part of the body? The bottom.
What word means the order of lessons in schools and the running of trains and buses? Agenda.
In the modern English alphabet which is the penultimate letter? Z.
Which percentage of milk is fat, four or forty? Forty.
A famous publisher of romantic novels was founded by 'Gerald Mills and Charles..' what? Dickens.
What Carly Simon song starts 'You walked into the party like you were walking aboard a yacht'? I Got You Babe.
What is the name commonly given to the hard protective covering of a crab? Skin.
What word can mean touch-down of an aeroplane or the level floor between two staircases? Step.
A person who earns just enough for basic needs is said to live 'hand to ..' what? Foot.
In America the Golden Gate Bridge is a feature of which city? New York.
The title of the musical is 'Five Guys Named..' what? Fred.
The (UK) National Space Centre is based in which Midlands city? Chicago.
The principal characters in the book Watership Down are what type of creatures? Beavers.
What is the name of a small posy of flowers worn on an evening dress - a dressage or a corsage? Pocket.
What name for someone qualified to fly a plane precedes 'fish' and 'whale' to give the names of two sea creatures? Shell.
What is the name for someone who moves stealthily, or for the plant 'Virginia..'? Wolf.
What word connected to drum, disc and air is associated with slowing down a vehicle? Gun.
In nature which group gives birth to live young - mammals or birds? Birds.
Emperor Augustus used to boast that in Rome he had found a city made of brick and left it made of what stone? Rubble.
Which 'H' means the emergence of young creatures from eggs? Hibernation.
Cotton buds carry a warning not to insert them into which part of the body? Eyes.
What war-time song by Vera Lynn included the words 'Don't know where, don't know when? We'll come again.
Cantonese and Mandarin are languages which originated in which country? Spain.
The film starring Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers was called 'Flying down to..' where? Halifax.
Elderly people are described as being what '..in the tooth'? Old.
Weight-lifting is also known as 'pumping..' what metal? Steel.
A person who is eccentric is often described as having what animals '..in the belfry'? Pigs.
The longest day of the year occurs in which month? Winter.
Budgerigars are native to which country? Britain.
What girl's name is the same as stations in London and Manchester? Piccadilly.
In the game 'scissors, paper, stone', what beats paper? Stone.
What word meaning chilly goes before snap, front and spell in weather forecasting? Fine.
What word follows record, designer and luggage to form three other phrases? Rack.
What 'L' is a pulse which is the main ingredient of the Indian dish, dhal? Rice.
What item in the kitchen might include an interior light, automatic de-frost, and an egg-rack? Microwave.
hippyman wrote:
> The general public are so daft. I can remember a story about
> someone wanting help with their Pc because it powered off by
> itself. Turned out that there was a power cut!
Along the same lines I remember one where there was a power cut so the person went to use their PC to pass the time and rang the help line to ask why it wasn't working :D
> The general public are so daft. I can remember a story about
> someone wanting help with their Pc because it powered off by
> itself. Turned out that there was a power cut!
Along the same lines I remember one where there was a power cut so the person went to use their PC to pass the time and rang the help line to ask why it wasn't working :D
Machie wrote:
> @ngel ;P
heh lol!
> @ngel ;P
heh lol!
heh some nice oens there Smedlos :D
@ngel ;P
@ngel ;P
The general public are so daft. I can remember a story about someone wanting help with their Pc because it powered off by itself. Turned out that there was a power cut!
Heh, those tech support calls I could definitely believe :)
Snippets from some call centre conversations...
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly
states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I
am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel
to the other side of the car?"
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling
correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar
but the 'B' fell off".
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in
Scotland".
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number
on".
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up
until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'".
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen,
can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just
realised that I need it.
If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back
again?".
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly
states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I
am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel
to the other side of the car?"
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling
correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar
but the 'B' fell off".
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in
Scotland".
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number
on".
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up
until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'".
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen,
can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just
realised that I need it.
If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back
again?".
Knock Knock
A few real life air - traffic control / pilot conversations:
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."
Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Real extracts from insurance claims
"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early."
"I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to e - jaculate through the sun roof."
"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my test - icles so I lost control."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."
"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."
"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "
"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."
"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."
"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.
And some letters to the council
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."
"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."
"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."
"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."
"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"
"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."
"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."
"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
"Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."
"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."
"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."
"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."
"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."
"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."
"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his c o c k wakes me up and it's getting too much."
"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."
"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."
"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."
"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."
"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."
"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."
"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."
Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Real extracts from insurance claims
"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early."
"I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to e - jaculate through the sun roof."
"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my test - icles so I lost control."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."
"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."
"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "
"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."
"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."
"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.
And some letters to the council
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."
"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."
"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."
"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."
"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"
"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."
"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."
"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
"Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."
"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."
"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."
"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."
"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."
"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."
"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his c o c k wakes me up and it's getting too much."
"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."
"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."
"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."
"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."
"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."
"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."
"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."
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