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You read in the news about performance issues in London and some other places and you nodded, thought "Bloody post" and swapped stories about waiting for 3 days for a letter that should have arrived tomorrow.
You complain because your dvd doesn't arrive within 3 days from play.com, or Amazon hasn't arrived even though you requested special delivery.
Or you whinge to your family when the postie hasn't arrived by 10am and you've been hanging about waiting for that letter and blah blah blah blah.
Some of these are fair comment, some of them are tedious noise that nobody cares about or pays attention to.
However, we detest you as much as you moan about us.
Not all of you, don't get me wrong. But an awful lot of you.
Why? Here's a few inside secrets for you.
And obviously I don't speak for Royal Mail, or anybody else except for myself, so it's not potentially slanderous.
Special Delivery
These are those letters/packets with the grey sticker that says "Before 12pm", these are the packets you pay extra for because they're extremely important and you have to recieve it.
Fair enough.
SO GODDAM BE IN WHEN I DELIVER IT THEN.
9 times in the past 3 weeks this has happened. "Before 12". I arrive between 9am and 11:30am. And each and every single time nobody has been in.
You assfaces. If you pay the extra, then be in to sign for it. We've all done it, expecting a delivery of something so you take the morning off work or get up early if you're off. And you wait.
As soon as it's 12pm, go off and do stuff, I failed in my duty to deliver before the appointed time. But nooooooooooo, you have to be out don't you?
Magazines
You're invalid or lazy and can't be arsed to go to the shop to buy your Motorcycle News Monthly or FHM or Caravan World or Radio Times.
So I have the pleasure of 117 houses with heavy-ass mags I can buy in WHSmiths. And, this is the real redfacer, oftentimes a house will have 3-4 copies of the Radio Times, all addressed to different people.
WHY? WHY ARE YOU SO GODDAMN STUPID YOU NEED 3 COPIES? There is no excuse to need multiple copies of the same magazine delivered. Get in your SUV, drive the 110 yards to the local shops and. Buy. A. Magazine.
Massive Packets
Use your water-filled heads here people, some things will not go through your front door and chances are you'll be at work anyway.
So the following articles, all personally witnessed by myself, shall no longer be eligible for your weary Postman to lug around for 4hrs:
Footballs - Buy one and kick it you monger
Exhaust System - I'd like to shoot your children for that one you ass
Yukka Plant - I am not David Bellamy or Ray Mears
A Kite - Yep, a fully-extended Kite wrapped in newspaper.
Think to yourself, "Do I dabble in physics?" before you attempt to post something to your retard relatives in some vast concrete toilet in Essex
Correct Address
Seems obvious doesn't it? You learn this stuff at school, "Name. Address. Town. Postcode". Simple.
So don't just put "Sanjay Seervajingh, Church Langley, Harlow" you clown.
Try, before you squash that letter through the postbox with your flippers, to think "Now have I put all the details down?" before monging off to watch Casualty and Eastenders.
Or, my favourite so far, "Bill. Harlow. Esexx"
Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh
Crap jokes about the weather
We've heard them. All of them. Every variation. If you must speak, nod and say "Morning Postie", this is fine and very welcome in fact.
Don't say "Nice weather for ducks", because that's nonsensical.
Don't say "Rather you than me", because Postie will stop in his tracks, make a note of your door number and forget to deliver your post for the next day.
Don't say "Hope you can swim! Hahahahaha!"
Don't say "Cor, you'll be home in time for neighbours wontcha?"
Don't say "Where's Bill/Sam/Steve then? On holiday?", or if you must, then don't look puzzled when Postie says "Nope, stolen by gypsies. Or dead. I forget which" before walking across your front lawn and on to the next house.
Don't say "Oh, my post is wet" when it's thumping down and your Postman looks bedraggled and very, very angry at your jawdropping stupidity.
Of course it's wet, I've been carrying it in my arm for 20 mins whilst water falls out the sky onto it and me.
You spastic.
----
That'll do for now.
Royal Mail - We loathe you more than you do us.
But it's still the most fun job I've had in 31 years.
You complain because your dvd doesn't arrive within 3 days from play.com, or Amazon hasn't arrived even though you requested special delivery.
Or you whinge to your family when the postie hasn't arrived by 10am and you've been hanging about waiting for that letter and blah blah blah blah.
Some of these are fair comment, some of them are tedious noise that nobody cares about or pays attention to.
However, we detest you as much as you moan about us.
Not all of you, don't get me wrong. But an awful lot of you.
Why? Here's a few inside secrets for you.
And obviously I don't speak for Royal Mail, or anybody else except for myself, so it's not potentially slanderous.
Special Delivery
These are those letters/packets with the grey sticker that says "Before 12pm", these are the packets you pay extra for because they're extremely important and you have to recieve it.
Fair enough.
SO GODDAM BE IN WHEN I DELIVER IT THEN.
9 times in the past 3 weeks this has happened. "Before 12". I arrive between 9am and 11:30am. And each and every single time nobody has been in.
You assfaces. If you pay the extra, then be in to sign for it. We've all done it, expecting a delivery of something so you take the morning off work or get up early if you're off. And you wait.
As soon as it's 12pm, go off and do stuff, I failed in my duty to deliver before the appointed time. But nooooooooooo, you have to be out don't you?
Magazines
You're invalid or lazy and can't be arsed to go to the shop to buy your Motorcycle News Monthly or FHM or Caravan World or Radio Times.
So I have the pleasure of 117 houses with heavy-ass mags I can buy in WHSmiths. And, this is the real redfacer, oftentimes a house will have 3-4 copies of the Radio Times, all addressed to different people.
WHY? WHY ARE YOU SO GODDAMN STUPID YOU NEED 3 COPIES? There is no excuse to need multiple copies of the same magazine delivered. Get in your SUV, drive the 110 yards to the local shops and. Buy. A. Magazine.
Massive Packets
Use your water-filled heads here people, some things will not go through your front door and chances are you'll be at work anyway.
So the following articles, all personally witnessed by myself, shall no longer be eligible for your weary Postman to lug around for 4hrs:
Footballs - Buy one and kick it you monger
Exhaust System - I'd like to shoot your children for that one you ass
Yukka Plant - I am not David Bellamy or Ray Mears
A Kite - Yep, a fully-extended Kite wrapped in newspaper.
Think to yourself, "Do I dabble in physics?" before you attempt to post something to your retard relatives in some vast concrete toilet in Essex
Correct Address
Seems obvious doesn't it? You learn this stuff at school, "Name. Address. Town. Postcode". Simple.
So don't just put "Sanjay Seervajingh, Church Langley, Harlow" you clown.
Try, before you squash that letter through the postbox with your flippers, to think "Now have I put all the details down?" before monging off to watch Casualty and Eastenders.
Or, my favourite so far, "Bill. Harlow. Esexx"
Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh
Crap jokes about the weather
We've heard them. All of them. Every variation. If you must speak, nod and say "Morning Postie", this is fine and very welcome in fact.
Don't say "Nice weather for ducks", because that's nonsensical.
Don't say "Rather you than me", because Postie will stop in his tracks, make a note of your door number and forget to deliver your post for the next day.
Don't say "Hope you can swim! Hahahahaha!"
Don't say "Cor, you'll be home in time for neighbours wontcha?"
Don't say "Where's Bill/Sam/Steve then? On holiday?", or if you must, then don't look puzzled when Postie says "Nope, stolen by gypsies. Or dead. I forget which" before walking across your front lawn and on to the next house.
Don't say "Oh, my post is wet" when it's thumping down and your Postman looks bedraggled and very, very angry at your jawdropping stupidity.
Of course it's wet, I've been carrying it in my arm for 20 mins whilst water falls out the sky onto it and me.
You spastic.
----
That'll do for now.
Royal Mail - We loathe you more than you do us.
But it's still the most fun job I've had in 31 years.
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Me (God) paid for what was probably an illegal copy instead. TERRORISTS!!!!!
God wants you to download an illegal copy.
But...Hero...
My post arrives anywhere between 9 and 11 o'clock and the usual guy always seems cheerful - if I see him walking up the path I whizz to the door to say "Cheers mate", but from now on I'm gonna call him "Postie". And the girl who fills in when he's off is an absolute fox!
As usual people like to moan when things go wrong rather than compliment when they go well. What people don't seem to realise is that Royal Mail deliver millions of items every single day.
And you can't understand why people moan about elastic bands on the driveway? Well, you throw yourself off your mobility scooter onto the pavement, cracking two ribs in the process, to save your dog from choking to death on a sweet wrapper he's just tried to swallow. Then tell me how you feel about all forms of litter.
As usual people like to moan when things go wrong rather than compliment when they go well. What people don't seem to realise is that Royal Mail deliver millions of items every single day.
And you can't understand why people moan about elastic bands on the driveway? Well, you throw yourself off your mobility scooter onto the pavement, cracking two ribs in the process, to save your dog from choking to death on a sweet wrapper he's just tried to swallow. Then tell me how you feel about all forms of litter.
My Postman is quite good.
Yes he turns up after twelve - but he drives around in a cool van, wears short pants whatever the weather and because I'm the last person he delivers to; I always get the elastic band though the door - I'll never have to buy another rubber band again thanks to the royal mail.
This Bud's for you Mr Postman.
Yes he turns up after twelve - but he drives around in a cool van, wears short pants whatever the weather and because I'm the last person he delivers to; I always get the elastic band though the door - I'll never have to buy another rubber band again thanks to the royal mail.
This Bud's for you Mr Postman.
Meka Dragon wrote:
"You're simply the best at that kind of thing..."
Nah, it takes two. Baby.
"You're simply the best at that kind of thing..."
Nah, it takes two. Baby.
Gotaboy am suck at maile.
You don't need another hero, that's genius. I wanted to work in a Nutbush City Limits into the reply but couldn't find a was. You're simply the best at that kind of thing...
You don't need another hero, that's genius. I wanted to work in a Nutbush City Limits into the reply but couldn't find a was. You're simply the best at that kind of thing...
monkey_man wrote:
> And then, they managed to lose my Hero DVD between my house and the
> collection place. Found it eventually, but c'mon, they lost Hero!
That's uncanny, I ordered a copy of Hero and it got "lost in the post". I ordered another (what could I do?) and it also got "lost in the post". I then phoned up Royal Mail's customer serices, who said that I should contact the mail order company. So I did. I got through to a Ms Turner.
I said "I'm not calling you Ms, what is your first name please?"
she replied "Tina"
I then said "Tina, I've ordered a DVD from you two times, and on each occasion it has been lost in the post"
She then takes my details etc.
Then she says "well what do you want me to do about it?"
I say "send me another one"
She then says "you don't need another Hero"
And hangs up.
> And then, they managed to lose my Hero DVD between my house and the
> collection place. Found it eventually, but c'mon, they lost Hero!
That's uncanny, I ordered a copy of Hero and it got "lost in the post". I ordered another (what could I do?) and it also got "lost in the post". I then phoned up Royal Mail's customer serices, who said that I should contact the mail order company. So I did. I got through to a Ms Turner.
I said "I'm not calling you Ms, what is your first name please?"
she replied "Tina"
I then said "Tina, I've ordered a DVD from you two times, and on each occasion it has been lost in the post"
She then takes my details etc.
Then she says "well what do you want me to do about it?"
I say "send me another one"
She then says "you don't need another Hero"
And hangs up.
Jesus Christ...is there a set level of "Taking Myself Seriously" on this board? I ask because whenever Bell is here, most other posters seem to have a good sense of humour and can spot a joke or a light-hearted rant before it runs up and bites them. Yet as soon as Bell goes, people are queueing up to demonstrate just HOW seriously they should be taken.
Lighten up for Gods sake...
Lighten up for Gods sake...
It's interesting that pretty much every topic Goatboy posts results in someone attacking him these days..? Moany moany shout shout shouty
I'd probably open a few of the letters that couldn't possibly reach anyone, like the "Jim, London" ones. Only because it'd be a waste anyway.
Knowing my luck it'll be anthrax, mind.
I'd probably open a few of the letters that couldn't possibly reach anyone, like the "Jim, London" ones. Only because it'd be a waste anyway.
Knowing my luck it'll be anthrax, mind.
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