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Birds fly about in the shining ,scorching sun. I walk down the street, I don’t know where I am. I try to scream hello but my throat is so dry I can’t scream, I can’t even talk.
I run over to a house and knock on a front door, ring the door bell no answer. Run to the other house next door again no answer I’m very puzzled. But the side gate of the house is open, I run round the side and start thumping on the back door.
The back door fly’s open I run inside and look around. My eyes wondering around the kitchen that I have just ran into. Ah a bottle on the side a lovely bottle of clear water right there on the side. I pick it up rip off the lid and throw the water down my throat, oh so lovely. I can now scream hello but still no reply just a silence you could hear a pin drop.
I look everywhere around the house no not a soul in this house. But there is some car keys on the hall table, I pick them up run outside and press the button. Opening a lovely silver car so shiny. I go and open the car door smell the leather the lovely smooth leather. I have never really been a big car fan but this car wow it was great. I started up the car then drove off down the road whoa was this fast.
I couldn’t get a speeding ticket now and no-one was around so nothing would happen. The streets were filled with rubbish rats ran around. Rats were the only form of life. I switched on the radio the radio to find out what was really happening. Started tuning it in it was just fuzzy. But then I found something but it was just some creepy music.
But I kept it on to see what happened, the music was some sort of strange piano and violin. It then stopped and there was silence for about ten seconds then a voice started talking.
The voice was a very scary voice that sent shivers down my spine. The voice said “they are coming, they will find you, today you will die” I was lost for words a new bit of music then started again. This time the music was just piano but really sharp bits.
I switched it off then drove round the corner. Who is they? What will they do? Will I die today?
I stopped and turned into a alleyway. I locked all the doors and looked in my rear mirror. A person stood on the path behind me in a black hoodie. They turned sideways I saw the person’s face it was a boy.
Under his eyes were red his face was white. This wasn’t going to be another one of the stupid zombie things was it? He started running towards the car his fist smashed through the sun roof. I unlocked the door jumped out then….
I run over to a house and knock on a front door, ring the door bell no answer. Run to the other house next door again no answer I’m very puzzled. But the side gate of the house is open, I run round the side and start thumping on the back door.
The back door fly’s open I run inside and look around. My eyes wondering around the kitchen that I have just ran into. Ah a bottle on the side a lovely bottle of clear water right there on the side. I pick it up rip off the lid and throw the water down my throat, oh so lovely. I can now scream hello but still no reply just a silence you could hear a pin drop.
I look everywhere around the house no not a soul in this house. But there is some car keys on the hall table, I pick them up run outside and press the button. Opening a lovely silver car so shiny. I go and open the car door smell the leather the lovely smooth leather. I have never really been a big car fan but this car wow it was great. I started up the car then drove off down the road whoa was this fast.
I couldn’t get a speeding ticket now and no-one was around so nothing would happen. The streets were filled with rubbish rats ran around. Rats were the only form of life. I switched on the radio the radio to find out what was really happening. Started tuning it in it was just fuzzy. But then I found something but it was just some creepy music.
But I kept it on to see what happened, the music was some sort of strange piano and violin. It then stopped and there was silence for about ten seconds then a voice started talking.
The voice was a very scary voice that sent shivers down my spine. The voice said “they are coming, they will find you, today you will die” I was lost for words a new bit of music then started again. This time the music was just piano but really sharp bits.
I switched it off then drove round the corner. Who is they? What will they do? Will I die today?
I stopped and turned into a alleyway. I locked all the doors and looked in my rear mirror. A person stood on the path behind me in a black hoodie. They turned sideways I saw the person’s face it was a boy.
Under his eyes were red his face was white. This wasn’t going to be another one of the stupid zombie things was it? He started running towards the car his fist smashed through the sun roof. I unlocked the door jumped out then….
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Birds fly about in the shining ,scorching sun. I walk down the street, I don’t know where I am. I try to scream hello but my throat is so dry I can’t scream, I can’t even talk.
I run over to a house and knock on a front door, ring the door bell no answer. Run to the other house next door again no answer I’m very puzzled. But the side gate of the house is open, I run round the side and start thumping on the back door.
The back door fly’s open I run inside and look around. My eyes wondering around the kitchen that I have just ran into. Ah a bottle on the side a lovely bottle of clear water right there on the side. I pick it up rip off the lid and throw the water down my throat, oh so lovely. I can now scream hello but still no reply just a silence you could hear a pin drop.
I look everywhere around the house no not a soul in this house. But there is some car keys on the hall table, I pick them up run outside and press the button. Opening a lovely silver car so shiny. I go and open the car door smell the leather the lovely smooth leather. I have never really been a big car fan but this car wow it was great. I started up the car then drove off down the road whoa was this fast.
I couldn’t get a speeding ticket now and no-one was around so nothing would happen. The streets were filled with rubbish rats ran around. Rats were the only form of life. I switched on the radio the radio to find out what was really happening. Started tuning it in it was just fuzzy. But then I found something but it was just some creepy music.
But I kept it on to see what happened, the music was some sort of strange piano and violin. It then stopped and there was silence for about ten seconds then a voice started talking.
The voice was a very scary voice that sent shivers down my spine. The voice said “they are coming, they will find you, today you will die” I was lost for words a new bit of music then started again. This time the music was just piano but really sharp bits.
I switched it off then drove round the corner. Who is they? What will they do? Will I die today?
I stopped and turned into a alleyway. I locked all the doors and looked in my rear mirror. A person stood on the path behind me in a black hoodie. They turned sideways I saw the person’s face it was a boy.
Under his eyes were red his face was white. This wasn’t going to be another one of the stupid zombie things was it? He started running towards the car his fist smashed through the sun roof. I unlocked the door jumped out then….
I run over to a house and knock on a front door, ring the door bell no answer. Run to the other house next door again no answer I’m very puzzled. But the side gate of the house is open, I run round the side and start thumping on the back door.
The back door fly’s open I run inside and look around. My eyes wondering around the kitchen that I have just ran into. Ah a bottle on the side a lovely bottle of clear water right there on the side. I pick it up rip off the lid and throw the water down my throat, oh so lovely. I can now scream hello but still no reply just a silence you could hear a pin drop.
I look everywhere around the house no not a soul in this house. But there is some car keys on the hall table, I pick them up run outside and press the button. Opening a lovely silver car so shiny. I go and open the car door smell the leather the lovely smooth leather. I have never really been a big car fan but this car wow it was great. I started up the car then drove off down the road whoa was this fast.
I couldn’t get a speeding ticket now and no-one was around so nothing would happen. The streets were filled with rubbish rats ran around. Rats were the only form of life. I switched on the radio the radio to find out what was really happening. Started tuning it in it was just fuzzy. But then I found something but it was just some creepy music.
But I kept it on to see what happened, the music was some sort of strange piano and violin. It then stopped and there was silence for about ten seconds then a voice started talking.
The voice was a very scary voice that sent shivers down my spine. The voice said “they are coming, they will find you, today you will die” I was lost for words a new bit of music then started again. This time the music was just piano but really sharp bits.
I switched it off then drove round the corner. Who is they? What will they do? Will I die today?
I stopped and turned into a alleyway. I locked all the doors and looked in my rear mirror. A person stood on the path behind me in a black hoodie. They turned sideways I saw the person’s face it was a boy.
Under his eyes were red his face was white. This wasn’t going to be another one of the stupid zombie things was it? He started running towards the car his fist smashed through the sun roof. I unlocked the door jumped out then….
There's something about the way you write, Crossbob.. Sometimes it lends a certain urgency to your writing, like " run over to a house and knock on a front door, ring the door bell no answer. Run to the other house next door again no answer I’m very puzzled", which does give a quite effective idea of panic.
But then it happens too much, and you start to sound like a Japanese tourist struggling to speak English: "I can now scream hello but still no reply just a silence you could hear a pin drop."
My advice for you is: You're developing your stories quite well, they are actually interesting at points rather than just comically bad. You really need to work on your grammar though. Your urgent sentences are cool, but for the whole story it just starts to tire a bit and you do start to sound like a Japanese tourist. For your next story, try to really drag everything out and keep it a bit more suspenseful and with proper sentences.
Peace out.
But then it happens too much, and you start to sound like a Japanese tourist struggling to speak English: "I can now scream hello but still no reply just a silence you could hear a pin drop."
My advice for you is: You're developing your stories quite well, they are actually interesting at points rather than just comically bad. You really need to work on your grammar though. Your urgent sentences are cool, but for the whole story it just starts to tire a bit and you do start to sound like a Japanese tourist. For your next story, try to really drag everything out and keep it a bit more suspenseful and with proper sentences.
Peace out.
Yeah im writing chapter two for this today thanks for the advise. I will make the story better today.
What will you do to make it better, exactly?
Add more grammer to it, make the sentences bigger, add more puncuation to it.
aahahahahahah
I could only bring my self to read the first sentence. Those poor, extra crispy birds!
I could only bring my self to read the first sentence. Those poor, extra crispy birds!
No read the rest and you just have to have the sort of view of a man looking up in the sky. Crows are flying about and the sun is shining on them.
Did you write this in Word, Crossbob?
Yes but I have Microsoft works word Processer.
Yeah LIE.
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