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"Kingdom of Heaven review"

[URL]http://www.theshiznit.co.uk/review.php?id=59[/URL]

"I don't know about you, but I have a huge problem with the idea of Orlando Bloom commanding an army. In fact, I think I just have a huge problem with Orlando Bloom full stop. The man could no more command an army than Steven Hawking can control his arms and legs. You watch Gladiator and you’re under no doubt that testosterone-soaked Russell Crowe could have actually survived in ancient Rome. Bloom would have been lion food. Crowe could walk into a room and command the attention of every soul within. Bloom would struggle to open the door. We've established the problem of having an effete blouse-wearing mincer as the leader of an army, granted, but Balian is actually a bit of a... well, a [ninny]. He kills a priest, hooks up with his rich poppa (then proceeds to get him killed), [penetrates] someone else’s wife despite the death of his own wife and child not a few months before, gets beaten up lots and gets roundly trounced by a superior army for days on end. Not exactly a hero you can root for, is he?"

The preceding excerpt contained spoilers, haha

I agree that the focus on the story wasn't hefty, just that it seemed more incline to sequences of lengthy dialogue than to actual battle scenes

When a battle scene was initiated it was either very short or simply bypassed

Story wasn't ground-breaking, just felt slightly more than that of other War films that it borrowed from

That's hardly much focus on the story though. You never really felt any really feeling in it all, there was no depth to any of the characters or reason to give 2 squirts of widdle if they lived or died.

Tiltawhirl wrote:
> Focus on the storyline? I must have missed that bit.
>
> There were so many plot holes, I came out the cinema wondering if the
> film was even supposed to have a storyline. You were never really
> given any real reason for Bloom being there. One minute he's a
> blacksmith having trouble handling a sword, the next he's commanding
> armies.

Bloom was supposed to be following in his fathers footsteps. He joined the renegade soldiers because he'd killed a priest and so had to leave the village. He was tied to them further by the fight thatb ensued.

On his fathers deathbed he was made a knight and so had to got to Jerusalem to defend the King

There you go

It's not so hard, is it?

"Oi! Army! Go over there and win!"

Sorted.

Focus on the storyline? I must have missed that bit.

There were so many plot holes, I came out the cinema wondering if the film was even supposed to have a storyline. You were never really given any real reason for Bloom being there. One minute he's a blacksmith having trouble handling a sword, the next he's commanding armies.

*Spoilers* ~ *Spoilers* ~ *Spoilers* ~ *Spoilers* ~ *Spoilers* ~ *Spoilers*

Well, I caught it yesterday at the UCI. The film was quite good and certain bits stood out more than others.

Characters like the Lepor King were quite strong and iconic whereas other roles were too carboard, such as the lead role, Bloomingdales

Bloom seems to like playing Blacksmiths and this time he did seem slightly more of the gritty, muscly, fighter, but still far too 'romantic' to be a realistic fighter

Unfortunately the film seemed to dodge most of the fight scenes, which was a shame, especially considering it wasn't a true story and so they could have had some intense battles. The battles felt a little too much like Lord of the Rings mixed with Troy.

What was seen of the battles was realistic, gory and exciting (big sweaty men, yarr !) but was the usual CGI and perhaps the best scene to show would have been the butchering of the new and gay kings army, instead that was skipped and we saw Bloom and his rebel horde of about 10 men.

More focused on the storyline but a shame it wasn't possible to fast-forward through the reams of meaningless crap. If you liked films like Troy, King Arthur, LOTR 3 and Alexander it's worth a look see. The battle scenes are good if a little basic.

Overall a four star film with some genuinely emotional moments (not on the edge of tears, just atmospheric music and an air of tension) Slightly too romantacised, turning an army of pitch-fork wielding farmers into Knights.

Facts :

Had Spider from Coronation Street - he added nothing
2hrs 20 minutes long
Jerusalem seemed realistic and dusty
Plaguarised Star Wars - 'I am your father'

Hmm, don't quite agree with the spoliers Snuggly. Haven't seen it myself; don't want too, but some might love it.

For a movie buff, that's criminal.

Seen this film and its actually very good.Great battle scenes and acting. I might have to see this film again. Oh its much better than what some of the reviews have said. Its worth seeing anyway.

Yours is the kind of site that makes me wish I actually cared about films apart from the odd Sky Movie I catch.

For some reason, it's never caught my attention. Though I can appreciate absolute classics like The Godfather.

Capsule review:
"Gladiator for women and effete homosexuals"