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"Yeah? And? So? What?"

Haven't been around much lately here, just don't seem to find the will or desire to read anybody's opinions on things.
Not sure what tone this post will take, at the moment it's circling as a silent scream at the world - a fist smashed into the face of your god.

The best thing I've done in recent times was to walk away from a pointless office job where I sat and typed here all day being superior and sarcastic whilst telling myself I was a good person.
Then I realised I was just like all the other schlubs sitting at a desk waiting for 5pm/retirement/death. It hit me like a bucket of cold water after wasting 4 years and I walked away.
No concerns about £ or future, I dusted my hands together and walked. I know what I want to do, but I have to spend the next few years getting there with training/degrees/retaking exams etc.
Currently temping in some mindless office job whilst I figure out my next move, and I at least have the knowledge that I took a large fistful of my future and refuse to let go now.

I have zero interest in being chummy with the people that work at this place. I don't talk to them, don't make jokes, don't say "good morning" or "bye" when I leave, don't indulge in mindless chitchat to pass the time.
It's not an exaggeration or an attempt to be all "hey I'm so cool", I just refuse to pretend like it matters and play at being sociable. Everybody goes out for a fag at 10am, I go out when they come back in. I go home for lunch and have managed, for 3 days, to remain 100% silent all day long.
Why?
Because they're the antithesis of what I want from life. They might be good people, they might not. I don't care.
It's the same as you lot that post here, you may think there's a "community" or everybody's a friend/whatever, but (and I don't say this to be internet-toughguy), I really couldn't care less if 99% of you fell off the earth in the next 60 seconds.
It's just being honest with you/myself, same as you couldn't give a damn if I never posted here again - why should you?
But it's this fake idea of being interested/sympathetic with somebody simply because you are in the same job/forum as them.
Why? Why should I sit there and exchanged banal droning about the weather/the weekend/the kids/the television when I have no interest in being your friend?

Apparently my silence and non-interplay at work is "intimidating" and "anti-social" according to a woman that insisted on talking at me whilst I stood outside smoking.
I said to her "Look, I'm here to earn money and that's it. I don't watch your television programmes, I don't want to spend the next 40 years at a desk punching in and out. I'm not trying to be a pain, I just don't care at all what goes on here. It's a job"
She got all huffy and walked off.
Boo.Hoo.
I sit and listen to them. They spent an hour talking about "Corrie" and "Big Bruvver!!!" like it meant anything outside of a sedative pumped into your home 24/7. They spoke about characters in tv-land like they were real people.
Fair enough, whatever works for you. Just don't get sniffy when I don't join in your reindeer games because it does nothing for me.

I just feel, for the past few weeks, like I'm floating in a sensory deprivation tank. I feel cut-off and disinterested in playing along with the script we seem to be issued with and learn through years of school and social conditioning.
I was seeing a woman since last October time, but I haven't seen her for the past 4 weeks or so. I just can't be bothered to, I've run out of witty and erudite things to say to her. I say "I don't feel like it this weekend" and she gets moody with me for it.
Whatever, feel angry/upset. I just don't care.
It's not depression, don't think for one instance that I indulge in angsty hand-wringing and trying to express my loneliness and inner-demons with 3rd rate short stories or mediocre poetry that would embarrass a GCSE English student.
It's an awareness that I don't have to engage in pointless social ritual simply because it's expected of me.
I'm not miserable, I'm not sitting listening to songs that "totally express how I feel maaaan" or any of that moody rubbish.

I am angry however.
Angry that people seem to want to get in your face and offer advice when you stray from the path of least resistance to discover your own trail through life.
Why? Why do you present such a threat to the status quo if you say "Actually, 9-5/savings/mortgage/marriage/kids isn't for me thanks" and go off on a wander with your own map?
"Ooooh, he's intimidating and anti-social"
No, I'm just not going to waste time with purile conversation and smiling (even if it is nothing but teeth). So where's the problem? I'm not being moody, I'm not snarling and swearing quietly. I just go in, mind my own business and leave at 5pm. No I don't want to go to the pub, no I don't want to discuss what I did at the weekend with you, no I'm not interested in signing that birthday card and giving money to somebody I don't know thankyouverymuch.

And I'm also dealing with a family member being diagnosed with final-stage terminal cancer of the brain.
They'd been ill for a while, in-and-out of hospital and finally the doctor's discovered "secondaries" in the liver and lungs. If we're lucky, they say, she'll live for a couple more months. If she's lucky, she won't.
It's no state for a person to spend their remaining days alive, semi-coherent, rambling, crying, confused and asking where everybody is (try explaining that "yes you're dying rapidly, but visiting hours only permit us to spend time with you between a certain time!!!")
Please don't think I'm after sympathy or a hug or any of that crap.
I'm furious
I'm furious because when my cat had liver failure, the vet said it was best to have him put down.
But a person? A person that you've known since you can remember? A person who figures in your first memory? Oh no, they have to lay there in fear, a shell of who they were. And you get to watch them die before your very eyes!!!

Now THAT's entertainment folks!
Nevermind reality television with nobodies competing for cash prizes!
No no no no nononononono.
You want something that's really reality? Watch a relative die in front of you. You can see them getting greyer and less animated every time you visit!
You can see their stomach distend from the medication!
You can smell the cancer when they breathe on you, when you have to lean in so close because they can barely talk above a whisper!
So your poor likkle moggy can be gracefully induced to prevent further suffering, awwwwwwwww how ####ing considerate we are.
Just don't want to help somebody you love, nope. You get to watch them fade away, fighting for breath and sobbing because they don't know who you are.
Yeah!!! Fan-####ing-tastic caring sympathetic people we are!

Then I get to go into an air-conditioned building with people that think Eastenders is miserable.
That's why I don't talk to them, because I know it's just ritualistic mantra to ask "How was your weekend?".
What do I say? "Well on Sunday I had to see somebody I love not recognise me and moan because of the pain you can never imagine as cancer eats them with frightening rapidity. But hey, Big Brother eh? What a wacky show!"

Balls to that.
I'll sit there and wonder if today will be the day the phone rings from the hospital, and I'll do it quietly and minding my own business. I'll sit there having realised I could no longer work forever doing something I never wanted to do as a kid.
And I'll watch people talk about their breakfast and their television and their dog that keeps being sick on the carpet, and I'll mind my own business and quietly think about things.

I'm not sad. I'm angry. I'm not sleepwalking, I'm wide awake.
I'm going to bed.

I spose no one whats to her about how my Grandpa commited suicide when I was 9 then? Try dealing with that, when suicide is socially tabu and you can't talk about it. That and a couple of other things made me a nervus reck to about a year, which isn't helpful in year six when none of the other kiddies know or understand.

And just to twist the knife further...

My Grandma died of Parkinsons disease, so I've seen what it's like for someone to deteriorate both mentally and physically. She'd lived a long life, so that softened it a bit, and my family generally take things like this quite well. The worst was seeing her fine one Christmas, then come that April she was trying to celebrate Christmas again. So she spent her last few years in a home, not really knowing what was happening, which is as cruel as keeping a cat in a shoebox. After she became ill she wasn't my Grandma anymore. It didn't help that my Grandad kept trying to take her out of the home, as the state she was it was the best place for her.

He died suddenly after she'd been there for about half a year, and when we visited without him, she asked if he was dead. We said yes, what else could we say, but she didn't even notice and started on about Christmas again. But I like to think that their passing on was a good thing, because that's no way for a person to live. They weren't young, and they both succumbed to natural diseases that can't be cured. I hope I'm that lucky.


Damn, this is one heavy thread, don't expect me to post like this in others.

Ineedsleep wrote:
> Thank you, really, thank you.

Thanks, I think.

Sorry if I upset you, but that's as emotional as I get about these things - especially on here. Like I said, my parents have this war-time mentality of getting on with things, and I guess I have that too to a certain extent. So I'm not going to let this sort of thing get me down (even if I did take loads of time off Uni), but I am grateful that it isn't something that will affect any of their mental states. Again, sorry if that comes across as "tactless", but they're just words on the Internet - you don't read them as how I type them.

At the moment I'm living with my ex-girlfriend (who is also my carer) and her 75 year old mother is staying with us while she had radiotherapy for 5 different cancers throughout her body. While she's well enough to stay at home, she is going downhill slowly. The treatment is purely to hold off the cancer - the doctor has said it's not a cure.

I know she's not a relative, but I've known her for over 5 years and in that time she has shown me nothing but generosity and kindness. Watching her slowly deteriorate and the look she has in her eyes is killing me.


Goatboy wrote:
> If we're lucky, they say, she'll live for a couple more months. If she's lucky, she won't.

I'm not ashamed to say that when I read that I cried like a baby.

All the best mate. For what it's worth, you're one of the only people I know (both real and online) who, instead of sitting around on their ass complaining about how everything's gone to hell, are actually prepared to get up and do something about it. I 100% respect that whole-heartedly.

monkey_man wrote:
> Teal'C, meet Goatboy, one of the oldest and most respected members on
> SR...

Then again, no regular would have posted that even if it IS how they feel about the post for that very reason. Just because he is one of the oldest members doesn't give him or anyone immunity to an opinion or reply.

I personally don't agree with Teal'C, just thought I should stick up for his and everyone's right to an opinion on any topic, no matter who wrote it.

As for the original post, there isn't much to say; falling into that trap of 9-5 discussing 'the weather' and 'what you did last weekend' is the nightmare of so many, yet so few manage to avoid its secure temptation.

Good luck in avoiding it.

I didn't realise you'd posted between me and MM

Goatboy wrote:

> And watching somebody deterioate in front of your eyes is bringing
> that home to me with an uncomfortable honesty. It's the most
> difficult and hurtful thing I've dealt with in a long time.
> To me, it matters.
> To anybody else that doesn't know me, it doesn't matter.

Oddly it does matter as your post invokes memories in people who have been in the same situation. Having been in a similar situation I now NEVER tell people 'I am sorry'. It just seems to be such a crass statement to make.

Goatboy wrote:
> And watching somebody deterioate in front of your eyes is bringing
> that home to me with an uncomfortable honesty. It's the most
> difficult and hurtful thing I've dealt with in a long time.
> To me, it matters.

Yes. It is. Sorry if this is a little short and terse, but I’ve been through the same situation as I'm sure a number of others have. It's extraordinarily upsetting and difficult and as such I’m a supporter of euthanasia.

monkey_man wrote:

> that's probably the worst cancer to get. Not like breast or stomach
> cancer, which a couple of close relatives of mine have right now

Thank you, really, thank you. I have not had a good cry for so very long but that really set me off and they say it is good for you. That post was just so wrong. I've never known you post something so tactless unless this is a case of it just struck a chord with me.

You can die peacefully of breast cancer, three years after the initial diagnosis and treatment, but only because you are so full of drugs you no longer feel anything. Or, if you do, you cannot tell anyone because you are already a corpse.

I was going to go on with other details but they are unimportant to you and it does not matter now anyway.

I only wanted to point out that cancer is cancer and, it doesn't matter which type it is, once you are told that a loved one will die within months the endless sitting by the bed, helpless, angry, frustrated is the same every single heartbreaking time.

Why did I post it?
I don't honestly know, not looking for a reaction from people. Just easier to use a keyboard and vent feelings on a monitor, I can say how I feel without worrying about inadvertantly offending somebody. There are some things that you just can't talk about with people that know you, because you'll have to deal with the repurcussions for years afterwards.
Here? It'll slide off the top in a matter of days and be forgotten.
I can shout and scream about how I feel and soon it'll be forgotten and everybody continues as normal.

Edgy, what I write is always how I feel about my place in the world, my surroundings and my thoughts. Everybody thinks they're the epicentre of the world if they're honest.
And my point was we're not. I'm the most important person I know to me, but to you I don't figure at all. I may think the world would stop if I died right now, but it wouldn't.
That's my point.
Right now it feels like my world is falling down around my ears, I'm confuesd/angry about my world and it's 100% megaheavy important.
But to you/other people, it's a sunny day and it's Friday etc and have a nice weekend.

It's perception.
And watching somebody deterioate in front of your eyes is bringing that home to me with an uncomfortable honesty. It's the most difficult and hurtful thing I've dealt with in a long time.
To me, it matters.
To anybody else that doesn't know me, it doesn't matter.
And posting here allows me to shout and scream ahout it being unfair - without fear of long-term memories of my actions and words.

Now I have to go sit in a room with strangers and hope I get through to tonight when I can go visit a mate and forget about stuff for a while.