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Townie Gangs: The Rivalry
Townies: the game
Wherever you live you will be familiar with townies. You may call them Ned’s if you’re in Scotland, or trendies if you’re a Mosher, but regardless of name, we all know they are shell suit wearing scumbags. They pretty much just annoy anyone and everyone who isn’t a townie and to pry them away from the mean streets for just one minute, I have designed a game where they can re-enact their life without leaving their stolen T.V. and stolen console, in the comfort of their almost certainly stolen living room.
After strenuous brain activity I settled upon “Townies: The game” for a title.
It will be a game that gets progressively harder and will be presented in level form as opposed to “free-roam” – Your townie will get better skills and qualities until he is the ultimate townie. Lets take a look at how the levels would be staggered.
Level 1 – Training
You, playing the role of the townie, have to first qualify to play the game, to do this you need to establish yourself with a gang. You need to pick a suitable shell suit for your first day, you have to make the decision between Rockports or Nikey shoes and which baseball cap to wear. Once you have accomplished this you need to go down to the cash & carry and buy a pack of ciggies to look ‘ard.
The level progresses to the speech element. You have to master swearing 16 times in every sentence. The game element is made simplistic so that all you have to do is press the X key to swear randomly in any sentence. You can also shout obscenities at passers by in the street to earn bonus credibility.
Level 2 – The gang
Every townie needs a gang, as do you. You have to roam to streets and impress a gang of your choice until they let you in. The ringleader of the gang (The one in the red shell suit) will set tasks for you do achieve. These include pushing over old ladies and stealing their pension books, setting fire to peoples pat cats and hot wiring poor quality cars for joyrides. Bonus points can be picked up by scrawling your name across walls and smashing bus shelter windows.
Level 3 – Fight or Flight
Once you have a gang behind you and you’re filled up with nicotine, what else to do but start a fight. You do not actually need any fighting skills, as townies don’t fight physically except the occasional shove. You need to master combos by combines buttons. For example (X,Y,Y,Z) would be, “You looking at me, do you know who I am, I can have you shot you know!”
The aim of these fights is to stun your opponent so he is stumped for words. This, means victory and you become hailed a hero by your gang.
Level 4 – Nickname
With your gang behind you and your reputation for being “well hard”, all you need now is a nickname. This is the hardest part of the game, as you have to make it up yourself. However the developers have realised 80% of townies are in fact illiterate, so the generic alternative “player 1” is still available. With your nickname as “player 1” you will be known on the streets and occasionally get challenges from rival gang members. This gives you a chance to exercise your obscenity artillery. Also by beating opponents in ‘fights’ you unlocks new combo’s of swearwords until you are able to unless the three syllable, “FUU-UUUK-KIIINNN”. This is able to knock the opponent down with such force that you can win a fight with just 1 combo.
Level 5 – Control
Nearing the end of development the team got bored and someone suggested fighting the ringleader of the gang for control. The team were too sleepy to argue otherwise so it was made as part of the game. As “player 1”, you have to challenge ‘Big Ste’ for control of his crew. This is the equivalent of a boss fight in a platform game, only with more swearing. If you lose then you return to the gang at a lower level before. But if you win, the council estate is your oyster.
Level 6 – The gang
As the gang leader you not only control your townie but the actions of your crew. Your gang is also renamed after your chosen nickname, in most cases it will be “player 1’s posse.” You can loot shops, resist arrest and loiter to your hearts content. On the evenings you can break into houses and get drunk on cheap cider, whilst terrorising locals with your disgusting language and even worse dress sense.
Level 7 – Rivalry
All townies have rivals, as do you. Other local gangs will challenge you to a war of words to see who controls the estate. As you progress your empire expands until you own the whole district. Losing battles with other gangs could leave your empire in tatters with only one street to wander aimlessly on.
Level 8 – The grand finale
When you own all the mean streets in the area, other townies will request to join your empire. It is up to you to set them challenges; similar to the ones you were set earlier in the game. This is where you sit back and relax and realise that all your work as a menial townie was worth it.
The developers of the game are hoping to attract a lot of townies into buying the game and keep hem away from real crimes. The projected profit for the first week, however, is £0.00, because all the townies who want a copy of the game will steal it.
Townie Hawks: Pro Gangster
You will all have played a Tony Hawks: Pro Skater game at some point in your life. It is an unwritten rule of our generation. However with more spin-off games and companies trying to appeal to different and seemingly unreachable groups, I present to you – Townie Hawks: Pro Gangster. The Tony Hawks games revolve around skating but Pro Gangster will be based around robberies, mugging a looking well ‘ard.
The game will, of course, take place on a number of different levels. There are set to include:-
- The local high-street at night
- The Rockport shop in town
- A random bus shelter
- School. (Only after it is closed though)
- The dole office
- A sweatshop in Brighton
However no level would be complete without tasks or mission to undergo. And Townie Hawks: Pro Gangster is bursting with them.
Instead of collecting the S,K,A,T,E letters, like you do on all Tony Hawks games, you are to collect giant letters spelling I,N,N,I,T. However these cannot simply be obtained by walking over them, oh no, you have to steal a car from an old man in a wheelchair and drive the car into a community centre filled with girl guides. You kidnap several of the kids and use them as baseball bats to swipe at the giant letters until you have smashed it up, along with the girl guides face.
Another popular aspect of the Tony Hawks games in the trick contests, however Pro Gangster will do things a little differently. Instead of seeing how many cool tricks you can pull off in a 2-minute time limit you will see how many people you can needless wallop around the face with a crowbar. Extra marks will be given for combos (Look for bus queues and pension lines) and if you can assault AND rob someone you get a 500-point bonus.
Something else included in most of the Pro Skater games is helping someone with a task, but in the name of uttermost controversy, things will be a little warped in Townie Hawks. You will be helping someone, but for entirely different reasons. You will help your mate in his ploy to ram-raid the local cash and carry and steal booze, cigs and the cash register. You will have to put masking tape over the security cameras and beat the crap out of the 75 year old security guard who will try to stop you. Bonus points if you get his credit card too.
In Tony Hawks 4 you have to collect the hats of 5 policemen for one of the tasks. This will be paralleled into Pro Gangster in a more, erm, illegal way. You have to steal 5 old women’s handbags before the 60 seconds time limit expires. You can do this by any means, force, stealth or the old, “look over there” trick. Once you have the 5 bags you can rifle through and get any useful items like credit cards, pension books and curlers.
Of course various other violent and illegal activities will be included in the game, but it makes you wonder what Activision will lend their name to next!
Feel free to make your own games up and post them, and have a laugh at the misfortune of slaves to the Carbrini and fake Burberry trade.
ParadoX:
That cover is great, but not very realistic. I mean, you don't really think it's feasible for EA to come up with something that ingenius, do you?
> [URL]http://members.lycos.co.uk/notoriousbiggles/new%20game.jpg[/URL]
Game. Set. Match
1. Does your gang get extra credibility points for hanging outside the off-license?
2. Does your Townie do a realistic walk? By realistic I mean, does he/she walk like a penguin (they all do 'round my area).
3.Is there the over-use of Burbery?
.....on a slightly different note, whenever I see townies walking down the highstreet at night in a group (i don't think it possible for them to walk *shudder* by themself), I always have the Blazin Squads' cover of 'See you at the Crossroads' running again and again in my head to them walking together. I think I may have been over-exposed to townieness or something. Scary.
> nice signature
>
> I am rolling my eyes as I type
Blokey!
What happened to the '87' at the end of 'swander' anyways?
I am rolling my eyes as I type
i remember.
It won GAD.
And it was crap.
> "Townie Hawks"
>
> priceless.
*
Agreed. LMAO!
priceless.