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Top record execs are at a loss to explain the unexpected surge in demand for Donny Osmond's new album “Somewhere in Time”, which was s**tormed to the top of charts across the globe after notching up some 5 million sales on its release date alone. The figures became even more s**tunning when it was revealed that Osmond had been forced to spend the previous year personally delivering all the copies to record s**tores after his record label refused to promote the album.
Osmond is bes**t known as the teenage pop sensation who broke a million female hearts with his dashing boyish charms and limited musical ability displayed bes**t in his 1971 chart topper “Puppy Love”. However, for a time it did seem that Osmond might have been consigned to the bargain bin after the hits dried up. Indeed, Osmond’s newfound success marks not jus**t a musical comeback, but also a personal miles**tone. After vanishing from the public consciousness in the 80’s, Osmond turned ins**tead to heavy drinking and hard living, gaining a reputation as one of Mormonism’s true wild men. Commented the s**tar:
“It’s true, I was in a bad way… my drinking was out of control, I was having like three or four bottles of coke a day and that amount of caffeine can make you a little jumpy… a little on the edge. I knew it was getting out of control when I didn’t go to sleep in 48 hours… I was buzzing and it reached 4am so I said to myself you know what Donny if you go to bed now you’ll not get enough shut-eye and in the morning you’ll be real tired, so I didn’t, I read my bible all night ins**tead. I mean people around me mus**t have seen it coming but I was los**t… That morning I didn’t brush my teeth and Marie [Donny’s loyal sis**ter] took me to one side and told me to get a grip because people were getting worried. From that day on I vowed to s**tay clean and look at me now.”
With this new zeal Donny hit the s**tudios and, with the help of a small army of writers, he committed to tape one of his mos**t personal albums to date and annexed Luxemburg. On the Luxemburg incident Osmond was prepared to extend his apologies to the people of that country, but added that “Universal said that I didn’t have what it took for global domination and I was pretty hurt, you know, so I invaded Luxemburg and was about to move into mainland Europe with my army of loyal followers when I realised that the record company had – get this – jus**t meant sales figures and hadn’t been ques**tioning my despotic tendencies at all. I was a little disappointed though to call the whole thing off, I mean I could have had France and Germany no problem.”
While Osmond more than proved his credentials as a charismatic leader of extremis**ts, Universal were s**till unsure as to his marketability and so released the album on the quiet expecting it to die a quick and painless commercial death. What they hadn’t factored in was Osmond’s insane self-belief that saw the s**tar embark on a round the world promotional tour on his own initiative, including a record 1 million door-to-door sales of the album. Neither had Universal anticipated the huge popularity of Osmond among the black-American demographic. Osmond proved a huge hit s**tate-side after receiving props from Nas, Nelly and Jay-Z, all of whom are big fans. Said gangs**ta-rap supremo Ice-T:
“Yeah I always been kickin’ it with Donny, y’know what I’m sayin’. He’s like an inspiration of mine. Back in the day it was him and Public Enemy, keeping it real, representing the s**treets. ‘They called it puppy love/I guess they’ll never know/how a young heart really feels/And why I love her so’ That sh*t is deep man. I don’t know if I could go there.”
However, indus**try insiders have been quick to raise doubts about Osmond’s sudden return to favour. One nameless source speculated that Osmond might inadvertently have cashed in on the popularity of hit sitcom “The Osbournes”.
“We all know that America’s spelling ability is bad at the bes**t of times,” commented our source “and it wouldn’t surprise me if they thought that Donny Osmond was a weird British spelling of Jack Osbourne and so bought his album in an orgy of repressed consumerism.” There may be some truth in this allegation, as it was revealed las**t week that soft-rocker Jon Bon Jovi’s entire career had been founded on a widespread public misapprehension that he was actually good. Said one ex-Bon Jovi fan: “I feel so used. I was lis**tening to the album the other week and I suddenly realised how bad the general s**tandard of musicianship was and how turgid and clichéd the lyrics were. It turned out that the music was jus**t plain awful and I really don’t know how I’d got it so wrong for all these years.”
Church leaders have expressed concern that Osmond might be abusing his links with God. Tubby god-fearing Chris**tian William Shatner had some harsh words for Osmond:
“When I recorded my bible readings I didn’t ask God to make them a bes**tseller because I’m not that type of person. Personally I think Donny’s gone and put God in a tight spot and cashed in on his years of devotion. It’s only going to confirm the popular belief that the Devil has the bes**t songs; however omniscient God might be, getting Donny Osmond on your side is not going to redress that balance.”
Whatever one attributes Osmond’s success to, one thing’s for certain: everyone’s favourite white-toothed Mormon is back to his commercial bes**t and with future high-profile collaborations with hip hop’s great and good in the pipeline he is sure to s**tay there – a suspicion confirmed by the Oracle at Delphi, who announced that only the ever-looming danger of a dwarf porn scandal could bring him down.
Osmond is bes**t known as the teenage pop sensation who broke a million female hearts with his dashing boyish charms and limited musical ability displayed bes**t in his 1971 chart topper “Puppy Love”. However, for a time it did seem that Osmond might have been consigned to the bargain bin after the hits dried up. Indeed, Osmond’s newfound success marks not jus**t a musical comeback, but also a personal miles**tone. After vanishing from the public consciousness in the 80’s, Osmond turned ins**tead to heavy drinking and hard living, gaining a reputation as one of Mormonism’s true wild men. Commented the s**tar:
“It’s true, I was in a bad way… my drinking was out of control, I was having like three or four bottles of coke a day and that amount of caffeine can make you a little jumpy… a little on the edge. I knew it was getting out of control when I didn’t go to sleep in 48 hours… I was buzzing and it reached 4am so I said to myself you know what Donny if you go to bed now you’ll not get enough shut-eye and in the morning you’ll be real tired, so I didn’t, I read my bible all night ins**tead. I mean people around me mus**t have seen it coming but I was los**t… That morning I didn’t brush my teeth and Marie [Donny’s loyal sis**ter] took me to one side and told me to get a grip because people were getting worried. From that day on I vowed to s**tay clean and look at me now.”
With this new zeal Donny hit the s**tudios and, with the help of a small army of writers, he committed to tape one of his mos**t personal albums to date and annexed Luxemburg. On the Luxemburg incident Osmond was prepared to extend his apologies to the people of that country, but added that “Universal said that I didn’t have what it took for global domination and I was pretty hurt, you know, so I invaded Luxemburg and was about to move into mainland Europe with my army of loyal followers when I realised that the record company had – get this – jus**t meant sales figures and hadn’t been ques**tioning my despotic tendencies at all. I was a little disappointed though to call the whole thing off, I mean I could have had France and Germany no problem.”
While Osmond more than proved his credentials as a charismatic leader of extremis**ts, Universal were s**till unsure as to his marketability and so released the album on the quiet expecting it to die a quick and painless commercial death. What they hadn’t factored in was Osmond’s insane self-belief that saw the s**tar embark on a round the world promotional tour on his own initiative, including a record 1 million door-to-door sales of the album. Neither had Universal anticipated the huge popularity of Osmond among the black-American demographic. Osmond proved a huge hit s**tate-side after receiving props from Nas, Nelly and Jay-Z, all of whom are big fans. Said gangs**ta-rap supremo Ice-T:
“Yeah I always been kickin’ it with Donny, y’know what I’m sayin’. He’s like an inspiration of mine. Back in the day it was him and Public Enemy, keeping it real, representing the s**treets. ‘They called it puppy love/I guess they’ll never know/how a young heart really feels/And why I love her so’ That sh*t is deep man. I don’t know if I could go there.”
However, indus**try insiders have been quick to raise doubts about Osmond’s sudden return to favour. One nameless source speculated that Osmond might inadvertently have cashed in on the popularity of hit sitcom “The Osbournes”.
“We all know that America’s spelling ability is bad at the bes**t of times,” commented our source “and it wouldn’t surprise me if they thought that Donny Osmond was a weird British spelling of Jack Osbourne and so bought his album in an orgy of repressed consumerism.” There may be some truth in this allegation, as it was revealed las**t week that soft-rocker Jon Bon Jovi’s entire career had been founded on a widespread public misapprehension that he was actually good. Said one ex-Bon Jovi fan: “I feel so used. I was lis**tening to the album the other week and I suddenly realised how bad the general s**tandard of musicianship was and how turgid and clichéd the lyrics were. It turned out that the music was jus**t plain awful and I really don’t know how I’d got it so wrong for all these years.”
Church leaders have expressed concern that Osmond might be abusing his links with God. Tubby god-fearing Chris**tian William Shatner had some harsh words for Osmond:
“When I recorded my bible readings I didn’t ask God to make them a bes**tseller because I’m not that type of person. Personally I think Donny’s gone and put God in a tight spot and cashed in on his years of devotion. It’s only going to confirm the popular belief that the Devil has the bes**t songs; however omniscient God might be, getting Donny Osmond on your side is not going to redress that balance.”
Whatever one attributes Osmond’s success to, one thing’s for certain: everyone’s favourite white-toothed Mormon is back to his commercial bes**t and with future high-profile collaborations with hip hop’s great and good in the pipeline he is sure to s**tay there – a suspicion confirmed by the Oracle at Delphi, who announced that only the ever-looming danger of a dwarf porn scandal could bring him down.
Never underestimate the CD buying power of old people, where I work this is outselling everything else, but that's maybe because it's a town of old people...:(
~~Belldandy~~
~~Belldandy~~
Worse still, she wanted the Vinnie Jones album, too.
*Cringes*
I had to buy this for my mum for Christmas.
I had to buy this for my mum for Christmas.
Top record execs are at a loss to explain the unexpected surge in demand for Donny Osmond's new album “Somewhere in Time”, which was s**tormed to the top of charts across the globe after notching up some 5 million sales on its release date alone. The figures became even more s**tunning when it was revealed that Osmond had been forced to spend the previous year personally delivering all the copies to record s**tores after his record label refused to promote the album.
Osmond is bes**t known as the teenage pop sensation who broke a million female hearts with his dashing boyish charms and limited musical ability displayed bes**t in his 1971 chart topper “Puppy Love”. However, for a time it did seem that Osmond might have been consigned to the bargain bin after the hits dried up. Indeed, Osmond’s newfound success marks not jus**t a musical comeback, but also a personal miles**tone. After vanishing from the public consciousness in the 80’s, Osmond turned ins**tead to heavy drinking and hard living, gaining a reputation as one of Mormonism’s true wild men. Commented the s**tar:
“It’s true, I was in a bad way… my drinking was out of control, I was having like three or four bottles of coke a day and that amount of caffeine can make you a little jumpy… a little on the edge. I knew it was getting out of control when I didn’t go to sleep in 48 hours… I was buzzing and it reached 4am so I said to myself you know what Donny if you go to bed now you’ll not get enough shut-eye and in the morning you’ll be real tired, so I didn’t, I read my bible all night ins**tead. I mean people around me mus**t have seen it coming but I was los**t… That morning I didn’t brush my teeth and Marie [Donny’s loyal sis**ter] took me to one side and told me to get a grip because people were getting worried. From that day on I vowed to s**tay clean and look at me now.”
With this new zeal Donny hit the s**tudios and, with the help of a small army of writers, he committed to tape one of his mos**t personal albums to date and annexed Luxemburg. On the Luxemburg incident Osmond was prepared to extend his apologies to the people of that country, but added that “Universal said that I didn’t have what it took for global domination and I was pretty hurt, you know, so I invaded Luxemburg and was about to move into mainland Europe with my army of loyal followers when I realised that the record company had – get this – jus**t meant sales figures and hadn’t been ques**tioning my despotic tendencies at all. I was a little disappointed though to call the whole thing off, I mean I could have had France and Germany no problem.”
While Osmond more than proved his credentials as a charismatic leader of extremis**ts, Universal were s**till unsure as to his marketability and so released the album on the quiet expecting it to die a quick and painless commercial death. What they hadn’t factored in was Osmond’s insane self-belief that saw the s**tar embark on a round the world promotional tour on his own initiative, including a record 1 million door-to-door sales of the album. Neither had Universal anticipated the huge popularity of Osmond among the black-American demographic. Osmond proved a huge hit s**tate-side after receiving props from Nas, Nelly and Jay-Z, all of whom are big fans. Said gangs**ta-rap supremo Ice-T:
“Yeah I always been kickin’ it with Donny, y’know what I’m sayin’. He’s like an inspiration of mine. Back in the day it was him and Public Enemy, keeping it real, representing the s**treets. ‘They called it puppy love/I guess they’ll never know/how a young heart really feels/And why I love her so’ That sh*t is deep man. I don’t know if I could go there.”
However, indus**try insiders have been quick to raise doubts about Osmond’s sudden return to favour. One nameless source speculated that Osmond might inadvertently have cashed in on the popularity of hit sitcom “The Osbournes”.
“We all know that America’s spelling ability is bad at the bes**t of times,” commented our source “and it wouldn’t surprise me if they thought that Donny Osmond was a weird British spelling of Jack Osbourne and so bought his album in an orgy of repressed consumerism.” There may be some truth in this allegation, as it was revealed las**t week that soft-rocker Jon Bon Jovi’s entire career had been founded on a widespread public misapprehension that he was actually good. Said one ex-Bon Jovi fan: “I feel so used. I was lis**tening to the album the other week and I suddenly realised how bad the general s**tandard of musicianship was and how turgid and clichéd the lyrics were. It turned out that the music was jus**t plain awful and I really don’t know how I’d got it so wrong for all these years.”
Church leaders have expressed concern that Osmond might be abusing his links with God. Tubby god-fearing Chris**tian William Shatner had some harsh words for Osmond:
“When I recorded my bible readings I didn’t ask God to make them a bes**tseller because I’m not that type of person. Personally I think Donny’s gone and put God in a tight spot and cashed in on his years of devotion. It’s only going to confirm the popular belief that the Devil has the bes**t songs; however omniscient God might be, getting Donny Osmond on your side is not going to redress that balance.”
Whatever one attributes Osmond’s success to, one thing’s for certain: everyone’s favourite white-toothed Mormon is back to his commercial bes**t and with future high-profile collaborations with hip hop’s great and good in the pipeline he is sure to s**tay there – a suspicion confirmed by the Oracle at Delphi, who announced that only the ever-looming danger of a dwarf porn scandal could bring him down.
Osmond is bes**t known as the teenage pop sensation who broke a million female hearts with his dashing boyish charms and limited musical ability displayed bes**t in his 1971 chart topper “Puppy Love”. However, for a time it did seem that Osmond might have been consigned to the bargain bin after the hits dried up. Indeed, Osmond’s newfound success marks not jus**t a musical comeback, but also a personal miles**tone. After vanishing from the public consciousness in the 80’s, Osmond turned ins**tead to heavy drinking and hard living, gaining a reputation as one of Mormonism’s true wild men. Commented the s**tar:
“It’s true, I was in a bad way… my drinking was out of control, I was having like three or four bottles of coke a day and that amount of caffeine can make you a little jumpy… a little on the edge. I knew it was getting out of control when I didn’t go to sleep in 48 hours… I was buzzing and it reached 4am so I said to myself you know what Donny if you go to bed now you’ll not get enough shut-eye and in the morning you’ll be real tired, so I didn’t, I read my bible all night ins**tead. I mean people around me mus**t have seen it coming but I was los**t… That morning I didn’t brush my teeth and Marie [Donny’s loyal sis**ter] took me to one side and told me to get a grip because people were getting worried. From that day on I vowed to s**tay clean and look at me now.”
With this new zeal Donny hit the s**tudios and, with the help of a small army of writers, he committed to tape one of his mos**t personal albums to date and annexed Luxemburg. On the Luxemburg incident Osmond was prepared to extend his apologies to the people of that country, but added that “Universal said that I didn’t have what it took for global domination and I was pretty hurt, you know, so I invaded Luxemburg and was about to move into mainland Europe with my army of loyal followers when I realised that the record company had – get this – jus**t meant sales figures and hadn’t been ques**tioning my despotic tendencies at all. I was a little disappointed though to call the whole thing off, I mean I could have had France and Germany no problem.”
While Osmond more than proved his credentials as a charismatic leader of extremis**ts, Universal were s**till unsure as to his marketability and so released the album on the quiet expecting it to die a quick and painless commercial death. What they hadn’t factored in was Osmond’s insane self-belief that saw the s**tar embark on a round the world promotional tour on his own initiative, including a record 1 million door-to-door sales of the album. Neither had Universal anticipated the huge popularity of Osmond among the black-American demographic. Osmond proved a huge hit s**tate-side after receiving props from Nas, Nelly and Jay-Z, all of whom are big fans. Said gangs**ta-rap supremo Ice-T:
“Yeah I always been kickin’ it with Donny, y’know what I’m sayin’. He’s like an inspiration of mine. Back in the day it was him and Public Enemy, keeping it real, representing the s**treets. ‘They called it puppy love/I guess they’ll never know/how a young heart really feels/And why I love her so’ That sh*t is deep man. I don’t know if I could go there.”
However, indus**try insiders have been quick to raise doubts about Osmond’s sudden return to favour. One nameless source speculated that Osmond might inadvertently have cashed in on the popularity of hit sitcom “The Osbournes”.
“We all know that America’s spelling ability is bad at the bes**t of times,” commented our source “and it wouldn’t surprise me if they thought that Donny Osmond was a weird British spelling of Jack Osbourne and so bought his album in an orgy of repressed consumerism.” There may be some truth in this allegation, as it was revealed las**t week that soft-rocker Jon Bon Jovi’s entire career had been founded on a widespread public misapprehension that he was actually good. Said one ex-Bon Jovi fan: “I feel so used. I was lis**tening to the album the other week and I suddenly realised how bad the general s**tandard of musicianship was and how turgid and clichéd the lyrics were. It turned out that the music was jus**t plain awful and I really don’t know how I’d got it so wrong for all these years.”
Church leaders have expressed concern that Osmond might be abusing his links with God. Tubby god-fearing Chris**tian William Shatner had some harsh words for Osmond:
“When I recorded my bible readings I didn’t ask God to make them a bes**tseller because I’m not that type of person. Personally I think Donny’s gone and put God in a tight spot and cashed in on his years of devotion. It’s only going to confirm the popular belief that the Devil has the bes**t songs; however omniscient God might be, getting Donny Osmond on your side is not going to redress that balance.”
Whatever one attributes Osmond’s success to, one thing’s for certain: everyone’s favourite white-toothed Mormon is back to his commercial bes**t and with future high-profile collaborations with hip hop’s great and good in the pipeline he is sure to s**tay there – a suspicion confirmed by the Oracle at Delphi, who announced that only the ever-looming danger of a dwarf porn scandal could bring him down.