The "Creative Writing" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
FULL CREDIT TO... WHOEVER WROTE THIS!
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1)Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding the pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill
down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on > hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date
of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss
back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little darlings front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be
rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat
to wash pill
down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1)Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding the pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill
down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on > hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date
of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss
back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little darlings front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be
rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat
to wash pill
down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
FULL CREDIT TO... WHOEVER WROTE THIS!
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1)Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding the pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill
down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on > hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date
of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss
back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little darlings front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be
rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat
to wash pill
down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1)Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding the pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill
down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on > hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date
of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss
back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little darlings front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be
rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat
to wash pill
down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
Took long enough to read, but it ruled! Thanks!