Viewing Thread:
"Time and Space"

“Where’s the point in all this?” he asked.

“Well, this is a pencil, and the point is the sharp end of it,” explained Brian not knowing what his partner had planned with it.

“Oh, yeah,” said Lewis. He then took the pencil in his hand and jammed it deep into Brian’s eye. Brian let out a primal scream as blood spewed out of his eye, and then he sat down in the corner of the room, only now realizing who Lewis really was.

“So, you are the great flesh-eating creature of Antor who seeks to overthrow my father, the king of Luxembourg, and take his place to bring back disco music!” yelled Brian.

“Yes, it is I!” responded Lewis, the flesh-eating creature of Antor. Then he took off his black shoes to reveal a pair of white shoes underneath. He put his hands on hips and continued, “I cleverly disguised myself with different colored shoes, so I was able to infiltrate this castle and pretend to be a member of your family! But I didn’t have the final piece of the puzzle until you informed me which part of this pencil I could use to stab you with!” Lewis let out an evil meow and proceeded to drop an anchor out of his head.

“But you’ll never get your hands on my Treasure of Cellophane!” screamed Brian. “The location can only be found by crossing the train tracks outside. And only the royal family of Luxembourg knows the secret of crossing the train tracks without falling!”

“That is where you are wrong! I have summoned the power of the angels to protect me! They will ensure that I am not crushed by the Train of Cheddar Cheese on my way to securing the location of the Treasure of Cellophane!”

And so, Lewis exited through the castle doors . . .

And fell onto the train tracks outside.

“Angels, protect me!” yelled Lewis.

But the only angel that was with him at the time was the notorious Do-Nothing Angel. The Do-Nothing Angel continued reading its little magazine and smoking its little cigarette, not even paying attention to Lewis.

“Help me, Angel!” cried Lewis.

The Do-Nothing Angel looked up from its magazine long enough to reply, “What did you say?”

“C’mon, Angel,” pleaded Lewis. “Do something!”

The Do-Nothing Angel closed its magazine and said, “I don’t think you get it.” The Do-Nothing Angel then flew off away from Lewis, only barely noticing the high-pitched shriek followed by body parts flying everywhere.

The Do-Nothing Angel continued flying, eventually passing overhead a local high school. Inside this particular high school were two students, Jason and Eric.

“Where’s the point in all this?” asked Jason.

“Well, here we have the number 489.22,” said Eric. “See that little dot in the middle of the number? That’s the decimal point.”

“Oh, yeah,” said Jason. And then he saw her. There, standing at the top of the stairway, was the most beautiful girl Jason had ever seen. She had long blonde hair, blue eyes, big, soft lips, long legs, tanned skin, and a severe weight problem. As she walked down the stairs, Jason couldn’t help but stare at the lovely gracefulness with which she walked. He was in awe with her radiance as her load of books slipped from her hands and fell all over the stairs. He was spellbound by her elegance as the other people near her began kicking her books down the stairs. He was enchanted by her magnificence as those people began kicking her too.

Jason knew he had to meet her. He had to introduce himself in such a way that she would never forget him. So he ran up the stairs, approached her, and pushed her down the stairs.

Jason was walking down the bottom of the stairway when she was getting up from her fall. “Thanks,” she said. “I wasn’t sure if I could do that myself.”

Now that they started talking, Jason knew that he had to make a great first impression. He had to sweep her off her feet so she would be his forever. Jason turned to her, took a long, deep, passionate look into her eyes, and vomited on her.

The girl cleaned herself off as best she could, picked up her scattered books from the floor, and said,

“All the world's a stage,

And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.”

Jason slapped her across the face. “Thanks for that,” said the girl. “You know, that sonnet was from As You Like It by William Shakespeare, written in 1599. It featured Jaques, a chronically melancholy pessimist pre-occupied with the negative aspects of life, and . . .”

She never finished the sentence because Jason slapped her across the face again. “I hate Shakespeare,” he said.

“Gee, I can’t believe you’re being so sweet to me,” she replied. “My name’s Carmen.”

“I’m Jason,” he said. “Wanna go out with me?”

“Well, I don’t know,” said Carmen. “I only date guys with lots of money. How rich are you?”

Jason backed up, put his fist just below his mouth to simulate a microphone, and began rapping,

“It's all about the Benjamins, what?

I get a fifty pound bag of ooh for the mutts
Five carats on my hands wit the cuts
And swim in European figures"


Carmen just stared at him and said, “I don’t know what you said, but it sounds really cool! Ok, let’s go out right now!”

And so, Carmen and Jason went off together, blissfully unaware that they were being watched by the Lord of Darkness and his newest minion through a magic crystal ball. The view that the crystal ball was showing zoomed out so now it revealed the entire southern part of the United States.

“Where’s the point in all this?” asked Volac.

“Well, you see that there?” said the Lord of Darkness, pointing to a spot in Texas on the magic crystal ball. “That’s Point, Texas. It has an area is 7.2 square kilometers and a population of 645 people, according to the 1990 census.”

“Oh, yeah,” said Volac.

“But enough with the geography lesson,” said the Lord of Darkness. “It has come to my attention that you have not been worshiping me properly. Tell me why, or I will feast on your soul!”

“Well, first of all, you use too many clichés like that,” replied Volac. “But more importantly, I just don’t fear you. I mean, you make all sorts of big threats about eating souls and ripping out hearts and stealing pantyhose, but I’ve never seen you do anything like that.”

“Well, Volac, I am the Lord of Darkness, and I have great power,” he said.

“I don’t believe you,” said Volac. “Show me some of this great power.”

The Lord of Darkness took a step toward Volac, brushed his hand over Volac’s face so it touched his nose, raised his fist above him, put his thumb between his index finger and middle finger, and said, “Got your nose!”

“Hey, that’s my nose!” yelled Volac, falling for the trick. “Give that back!” He danced around, reaching for the Lord of Darkness’s hand but kept falling short of the target.

“All right,” said Volac, finally giving up. “I believe you now. I will worship you like the rest. I will steal souls for you. I will bring you someone’s head on a silver platter whenever you ask. I will lick your dirty, old, stinky feet. I will give you piggy-back rides. I will sing you lullabies to help you sleep. I will let you raid my panty drawer. I will shove index cards up my nose for your entertainment. I will let you use a crowbar to pop off my kneecaps. I will bring you cartoon porn. I will offer my for you to . . .”

“Ok, that’s enough worshiping for now,” said the Lord of Darkness. “Just go and fetch me the liver of a blaspheming Jew.”

Volac went down to Earth and found a Jewish short story writer (I can’t remember his name) and took his liver. Nowhere near that writer’s house was a synagogue where the rabbi and a young girl from the town were meeting.

“Where’s the point in all this?” asked the rabbi.

The girl bent forward to see what the rabbi was looking at and said, “Well, since what you’re reading follows the rules of English grammar, the point would be that dot at the end of the sentence, called a period.”

“Oh, yeah,” said the rabbi.

The girl sat back down in her chair. Her name was Asha, and she was a practicing Hindu because her family was originally from India. Although she wasn’t Jewish, she needed guidance and there were no Hindu temples in her town.

She looked around the room and saw many posters. Wrestling posters, to be precise. Posters of the WWF superstar, The Rock, to be more precise. The Rock always referred to himself in the third person and said things like, “The Rock is gonna take his boot and stick it straight up your candy ass!” and “If you smell what The Rock is cooking!”

Asha was somewhat confused by what she saw in the rabbi’s private study, but she didn’t know that much about Jewish culture, so she just figured it was appropriate for rabbis to decorate their walls with personal items like these.

“So, what’s the problem, jabroni?” asked the rabbi, smiling politely.

Asha didn’t know what a jabroni was, but she assumed it was some Yiddish word, so she just ignored it and said, “Well, rabbi, my parents only want me to date Hindu men, but I’ve met this Muslim man, and now we’re dating behind my parents’ backs. I don’t like lying to my parents, but I know that if I tell them, they’ll forbid me from seeing him. What should I do?”

The rabbi cleared his throat and calmly stood up. Then, without warning, he vigorously jumped on his desk and yelled, “You call that a problem! Well, The Rabbi says he’ll give you one week, and The Rabbi means one week!, to be honest with your parents, or The Rabbi will just have to go to your house and deal with this problem himself! Your parents will have to accept who you date, so The Rabbi is gonna teach your parents to know their roles and shut their mouths! And if those jabronis still give you trouble, The Rabbi is gonna lay the smackdown on their candy asses!”

Asha was speechless after hearing this supposed holy man start ranting and raving like this. But she didn’t have to say anything because The Rabbi continued, “Now The Rabbi thinks you should come to the synagogue’s services and hear the millions, and millions!, of The Rabbi’s congregants chanting The Rabbi’s name. The Rabbi says you’ll never hear a better sermon anywhere in town!”

Then The Rabbi picked up a microphone from the desk, stood up straight, titled his head up, put the microphone to his lips, and yelled, “If you smelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll what The Rabbi is praying!”

Suddenly, the doors to The Rabbi’s room slammed open and in walked a very big man. He was wearing a clergyman’s white robe but not the usual headwear, so Asha could see that his head was completely bald and he had a moustache and a goatee. The man began yelling, “Hey, Rabbi! You got a lot of nerve telling her that you got the best sermons in town. Everyone knows, that only I, Stone Catholic Steve Austin, am the best in the business at making people solemnly reflect on their lives! And that’s the bottom line, ‘cause Stone Catholic said so!”

The Rabbi jumped down from his desk, got right in Stone Catholic Steve Austin’s face and said, “Well, The Rabbi says that Stone Catholic better watch his mouth, or else The Rabbi will have to teach him the true meaning of the Jewish faith! And The Rabbi thinks the best way to do that will be to take his Torah and stick straight up your candy ass!”

Stone Catholic Steve Austin didn’t flinch and didn’t back down. He just stared into The Rabbi’s eyes and said, “Rabbi, if you’re gonna be talking about the Torah, then maybe I’d better be quoting you a verse from the Bible! Let’s see now, which verse would be good? Oh, I’ve got a good one for you, jackass! Austin 3:16 says I’m gonna whoop your ass!”

Stone Catholic Steve Austin shoved The Rabbi as hard as he could. The Rabbi took a step forward and immediately came back with a push of his own. Stone Catholic responded by throwing a punch that connected with The Rabbi’s face and knocked him down. Asha got up and ran out of the room, but from behind she first heard the sound of a bell ringing and then a play-by-play announcer talking, even though she hadn’t seen anyone else in the room.

She could hear the announcer saying, “We are here live in The Rabbi’s private study where an impromptu match has just begun between The Rabbi and Stone Catholic Steve Austin. Stone Catholic is in control at the beginning of this match. He just knocked The Rabbi down and is looking to do more damage. Stone Catholic is setting The Rabbi up for his move, a Palm Sunday Slam! He delivers it, and The Rabbi is lying on his back in pain! Now it looks like Stone Catholic is about to deliver an Exorcism Elbow! But wait! The Rabbi moved out of the way! He picks Stone Catholic up and executes a perfect Bar Mitzvah Bomb! But The Rabbi isn’t done yet! He forces Stone Catholic to get to his feet, and then sends him right back down to the ground with a Hanukkah Headbutt! The Rabbi’s got a lot of momentum in this match now. He picks up Stone Catholic again and sends him bouncing off the ropes. Stone Catholic is coming back towards him, and The Rabbi tries a Kosher Kick but misses! Stone Catholic takes advantage of the opportunity and hits The Rabbi with a Baptism Body Slam! The Rabbi is slowly getting up, and I think Stone Catholic is looking to end this match soon. He’s putting The Rabbi in a Hail Mary Headlock! The Rabbi’s having some trouble breathing, and he may have to give up soon. But no, he’s fighting back with a series of Shabbat Chops! Stone Catholic is forced to release the hold, and The Rabbi uses that break to deliver a Menorah Mat Slam! It looks like that move knocked Stone Catholic out, so The Rabbi is going for the pin here. But the referee’s not counting! Someone outside the ring is distracting him! Is that? Can it be? Yes, I think it is! It’s Jesus outside the ring! He’s distracting the referee to help his friend, Stone Catholic Steve Austin! Now The Rabbi’s getting up and seeing what’s going on. That’s a big mistake because Stone Catholic is slowly recovering. Wait, he seems to be reaching into his pocket for something! It’s a Bible! He just knocked The Rabbi out with it from behind! That should’ve gotten Stone Catholic disqualified, but the referee was being distracted by Jesus! Now Jesus is leaving ringside, pretending that he’s so innocent and free of sin, but we all know he’s not! Now that the referee’s watching, Stone Catholic is trying to pin The Rabbi! One, two, oh my god, The Rabbi got his shoulder up! Stone Catholic can’t believe it! And now The Rabbi’s back on his feet! Stone Catholic looks like he’s in shock! It looks like The Rabbi is looking for someone! He’s calling for someone to come help him, but nobody’s in sight! Wait, I think I know what he’s doing! Just like Jesus came and helped Stone Catholic, The Rabbi’s calling for his own messiah to come and help him out! But the Jewish messiah is nowhere to be found! Oh no, The Rabbi better watch out, because Stone Catholic is sneaking up behind him! The Rabbi just turned around, and whoa! Stone Catholic just executed his finishing move, the Crucifix Clothesline! He’s going for the pin now, and the referee’s counting. One, two, three! It’s over! Stone Catholic has beaten The Rabbi with his Crucifix Clothesline! And he’s thanking Jesus for making his victory possible!”

Watching this event take place from above were two seraphs, which were types of angels with three sets of wings.

“Where’s the point in all this?” asked one seraph.

“Well, the point is the piece of land sticking out there called Florida,” said the other seraph, whose name was John. “After all, a point means an extension of land projecting into water, like a peninsula.”

“Oh, yeah,” said William, the first seraph. He then took Florida in his hand and jammed it deep into John’s eye. John let out a primal scream as blood spewed out of his eye, and then he sat down in the corner of the cloud, only now realizing who William really was.

“So, you are the great flesh-eating creature of Antor who seeks to overthrow my father, the king of Luxembourg, and take his place to bring back disco music!” yelled John.

“Yes, it is I!” responded William. “Wait, no, I can’t do this anymore. Cut!”

The director walked onto the cloud and asked, “What’s the problem now?”

“The problem is that people just saw this scene five pages ago!” said William. “What’s the point of doing it again?”

“Well, it’s not exactly the same scene,” said the director. “It’s got a different spin on it. You two are angels here. And the way you used Florida to stab him in the eye instead of a pencil, well that’s downright hilarious!”

“Yes, very humorous,” responded William dryly. “But I can’t do this. It’s too repetitive. I quit.” William began walking off the cloud back into the heavenly kingdom.

“No, wait, come back!” yelled the director, going after William.

“Um, what about me?” asked John. “I’m still lying in the corner here with Florida in my eye and blood all over my body. Why isn’t someone helping me?”

“Oh, quit your whining,” said the director. “This scene isn’t working out. Go to the next unrelated event!”

Meanwhile, back in Canada, Vanessa was in her college dorm room talking with someone.

“Where’s the point in all this?” asked Vanessa.

“Well, this is your GPA, or grade point average,” responded Joe. “One point equals one letter grade. So the number you see there, 1.2, is the average of your grades for your classes so far.”

“Oh, yeah,” said Vanessa.

Joe stood up and said, “Look, I know you’re a freshman. And I know I’m your R.A. and I’m supposed to help you with things. But please, if you ever get the urge to call me over something incredibly easy like that, do us all a favor and poke your eye out with something like a pencil or a peninsula.” Joe then walked out of Vanessa’s room.

Vanessa looked at her watch, studied it, and said, “Nope. Still can’t tell time.” As she reached to get a pencil, she accidentally knocked over her lit scented candle. The candle fell off her desk and onto her bed, and the flames quickly spread. Soon, her entire bed was engulfed in flames.

Vanessa stood up quickly and said, “Oh no! I have to get out of here!” She opened her door and ran out. She started running down the hall. But suddenly she stopped and was motionless for a second. Then she said to herself, “Wait a minute. I don’t know what to do!” She began shaking with fear. “What do I do? What do I do? Wait, I know! There was this list of instructions in case of a fire in my room!” Vanessa ran down the hall the other way, and then she opened the door to her room and went inside.

Barely noticing the fire that was spreading from her bed to her desk, Vanessa looked at the sign on the inside of her door. It read, “Fire Evacuation Procedures. In the event of a fire, follow these procedures.” Vanessa jumped up and down and said, “Oh goody! This’ll tell me what to do! Ok, the first thing it says is, ‘1. Know the location of the two nearest exits.’ Ok! I can do that!”

In order to follow that instruction, Vanessa exited the room and ran as fast she could down the hallway. She didn’t stop until she got to the end of it where she saw the door to the outside, pointed at it, and said, “There’s one exit.” Then she turned around and ran in the other direction all the way down the hall until she encountered another door to exit the building, pointed at it, and said, “And that’s two exits!”

She ran back to her room and looked at the next part of the sign. “’2. Know the location of the nearest fire alarm.’ No problem!” Vanessa pulled the door open and ran out of the room. She stopped right outside and looked left and right. There were fire alarms that she could see in both directions. “I see two fire alarms,” she said. “But I need to know where the nearest one is! I can’t tell which one is closer! I’d better get a measuring tape to find out!” Vanessa ran back into her room. She opened her desk drawer and barely managed to get her measuring tape out before the flames spread to that part of her desk. She measured from the edge of her door to one fire alarm. “This one’s nine feet, four inches from my door.” Then she took the time to measure the distance from her door to the other fire alarm, ignoring the smoke that was now starting to come out of her room. “Eight feet, seven inches. This one’s closer! Now I know where the nearest fire alarm is!”

Vanessa went into her room again, closed the door behind her, and read the next part of the list, ignoring the fact that the fire had now consumed much of her closet. She said, “Now it says, ‘3. Feel the door before opening. If any door is hot to the touch, DO NOT OPEN!” She made sure to yell that last part because it was capitalized, bold, and italicized on the poster. Vanessa put her hand on the door and said, “Ok. This one’s not hot, so it’s safe to open.” She then looked around her room and said, “Hmmm. What other door here would I want to open? Oh, I know! I’ll need to open my closet door if I want clothes!”

The door to the closet was already on fire, but that didn’t deter Vanessa. She put her hand on the door and said, “Hmmm. I suppose this could be considered hot, but I’m not sure. I’d better keep it on a little bit longer just to make sure.” About a minute went by, and Vanessa’s hand remained on the burning closet door. Only when her hand was on fire did she say, “Ok. This is definitely hot. I’ll make sure not to open this door.” Then she put the fire on her hand out with a wet towel and walked back to the instructions.

“Next it says, ‘4. If egress is blocked due to hot door or excessive fire and/or smoke, stay in room and summon help.’” Vanessa scratched her head and said, “What’s an egress? Oh no! I can’t follow the instructions if I don’t know what all the words mean! I’d better go look it up in my dictionary!”

She went to her cabinet and opened it up. Then she took the dictionary out of it just before the whole cabinet collapsed from the flames that were raging around it. Vanessa opened the dictionary and flipped to the word egress. She read, “Egress. Noun. A path or opening for going out; an exit.” She closed the book and threw it onto her bed where it was instantly enveloped in the fire. She said, “I get it now! They shouldn’t make these instructions so complicated!”

Vanessa avoided the flaming curtains and went back to the list of instructions on her door. She said, “Ok. Here’s the last instruction. ‘5. If you cannot stay in an area due to the presence of fire and/or smoke, exit premises by crawling low under smoke and heat.’” She took a moment to look around the room and consider whether she could or could not stay in the area. After noticing that a table very close to her had become part of the large fire, she said, “I’ve decided that I can’t stay here anymore because of this fire. So I’d better crawl out of here.” So Vanessa got on her hands and knees, crawled through the doorway, and bumped her head on the closed door. She remained on her hands and knees and backed up a little bit then crawled forward and bumped her head again. This continued on her for about three and a half minutes with her bumping her head on the door, backing up, and trying again. She kept trying to crawl low in order to avoid the heat and smoke until a piece of burning wood from the table came off and hit the back of her leg. Vanessa had to turn around to put out the small fire on her clothes. Then she stood up and said, “Damnit! I don’t know how to do this part! If only I was able to do that I’d be done and could leave!”

She then noticed something on the poster. “Hey, wait a minute! There’s something else here under the last instruction. It says, ‘Students are reminded to report all criminal activity or other emergencies to the campus police immediately by calling 555-3508.’ Hmmm.” She thought for a moment and then continued, “Well, this is certainly an emergency I can report. But it mentions criminal activities before emergencies. So I guess they want me to report criminal activities first.” Because her regular phone had become part of the fire five minutes ago, Vanessa took out her cell phone, dialed the number, and said, “Hello? Campus police? Yes, I’d like to report something. Well, my friend Jacob has a turtle in his room when he’s not supposed to have any pets. That’s right, it’s an ILLEGAL TURTLE!” She then took a step to the right in order to get away from the heat of the fire that now encompassed just about everything in the room.

“Uh huh,” she continued on the phone. “Oh yeah, and I saw someone else from my floor skateboarding in front of the building, and we all know that skateboarders are a menace to western civilization! And I’ve got one more thing to report. It’s . . . What? Oh yeah, I’ll hold.” As Vanessa was waiting on the phone to tell them about the blazing fire in her room, she passed out from the smoke and collapsed on the floor.

Vanessa’s death was in the newspaper the next day. Also in the newspaper was the report of two people, one man and one woman, entering a tall building and assaulting many guards there.

Neo and Trinity were on a mission to save their leader, Morpheus. Once the metal detector detected their guns, they immediately set out to take down everyone in their path. Using their numerous weapons as well as some impressive martial arts moves, the two heroes bravely killed all of the security guards in the building who were trying to do their jobs. Trinity and Neo entered the elevator and pushed the button for the top floor.

During their rise, they unzipped a bag revealing a bomb inside. While Trinity pushed some buttons to activate the timer, Neo pressed the Emergency Stop button, halting the elevator at the forty-first floor. Then he opened up a small door at the top of the elevator, allowing them both to climb on top of it.

Once on top, Neo attached some sort device to one of the elevator cables, and this device was secured to Neo as well. Then he took out a gun and shot one of the cables at a point above him, thereby breaking that cable and making the entire elevator car shake. He pointed his gun above him at the other cable and said, “There is no point.” Then he fired the gun and severed the other cable, making the entire elevator drop.

Do you see what’s wrong with this scene? Do you? Huh? Well? Huh? Maybe you want to read it again closely. Do you see what Neo and Trinity did wrong yet? Huh? How about now? Do you? Well? You have to be observant to catch this. All right, fine. I’ll tell you what was wrong with it.

Because Neo had shot the cables out above him, instead of below him, Neo and Trinity fell down the shaft with the elevator. They made a loud noise when they hit the bottom. No one will ever know if they survived that fall. But if they had, then they wouldn’t have survived long because the bomb they set up exploded a few seconds later, destroying the first few floors of the building.

Obviously, Neo and Trinity failed in their mission. Morpheus died a little while later. And the only people who knew that what everyone perceives as reality was just an elaborate computer simulation were gone. So there really is no point to going to work, going to school, meeting friends, eating, sleeping, reading this story, or doing anything else. Have a nice day.

“Where’s the point in all this?” he asked.

“Well, this is a pencil, and the point is the sharp end of it,” explained Brian not knowing what his partner had planned with it.

“Oh, yeah,” said Lewis. He then took the pencil in his hand and jammed it deep into Brian’s eye. Brian let out a primal scream as blood spewed out of his eye, and then he sat down in the corner of the room, only now realizing who Lewis really was.

“So, you are the great flesh-eating creature of Antor who seeks to overthrow my father, the king of Luxembourg, and take his place to bring back disco music!” yelled Brian.

“Yes, it is I!” responded Lewis, the flesh-eating creature of Antor. Then he took off his black shoes to reveal a pair of white shoes underneath. He put his hands on hips and continued, “I cleverly disguised myself with different colored shoes, so I was able to infiltrate this castle and pretend to be a member of your family! But I didn’t have the final piece of the puzzle until you informed me which part of this pencil I could use to stab you with!” Lewis let out an evil meow and proceeded to drop an anchor out of his head.

“But you’ll never get your hands on my Treasure of Cellophane!” screamed Brian. “The location can only be found by crossing the train tracks outside. And only the royal family of Luxembourg knows the secret of crossing the train tracks without falling!”

“That is where you are wrong! I have summoned the power of the angels to protect me! They will ensure that I am not crushed by the Train of Cheddar Cheese on my way to securing the location of the Treasure of Cellophane!”

And so, Lewis exited through the castle doors . . .

And fell onto the train tracks outside.

“Angels, protect me!” yelled Lewis.

But the only angel that was with him at the time was the notorious Do-Nothing Angel. The Do-Nothing Angel continued reading its little magazine and smoking its little cigarette, not even paying attention to Lewis.

“Help me, Angel!” cried Lewis.

The Do-Nothing Angel looked up from its magazine long enough to reply, “What did you say?”

“C’mon, Angel,” pleaded Lewis. “Do something!”

The Do-Nothing Angel closed its magazine and said, “I don’t think you get it.” The Do-Nothing Angel then flew off away from Lewis, only barely noticing the high-pitched shriek followed by body parts flying everywhere.

The Do-Nothing Angel continued flying, eventually passing overhead a local high school. Inside this particular high school were two students, Jason and Eric.

“Where’s the point in all this?” asked Jason.

“Well, here we have the number 489.22,” said Eric. “See that little dot in the middle of the number? That’s the decimal point.”

“Oh, yeah,” said Jason. And then he saw her. There, standing at the top of the stairway, was the most beautiful girl Jason had ever seen. She had long blonde hair, blue eyes, big, soft lips, long legs, tanned skin, and a severe weight problem. As she walked down the stairs, Jason couldn’t help but stare at the lovely gracefulness with which she walked. He was in awe with her radiance as her load of books slipped from her hands and fell all over the stairs. He was spellbound by her elegance as the other people near her began kicking her books down the stairs. He was enchanted by her magnificence as those people began kicking her too.

Jason knew he had to meet her. He had to introduce himself in such a way that she would never forget him. So he ran up the stairs, approached her, and pushed her down the stairs.

Jason was walking down the bottom of the stairway when she was getting up from her fall. “Thanks,” she said. “I wasn’t sure if I could do that myself.”

Now that they started talking, Jason knew that he had to make a great first impression. He had to sweep her off her feet so she would be his forever. Jason turned to her, took a long, deep, passionate look into her eyes, and vomited on her.

The girl cleaned herself off as best she could, picked up her scattered books from the floor, and said,

“All the world's a stage,

And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.”

Jason slapped her across the face. “Thanks for that,” said the girl. “You know, that sonnet was from As You Like It by William Shakespeare, written in 1599. It featured Jaques, a chronically melancholy pessimist pre-occupied with the negative aspects of life, and . . .”

She never finished the sentence because Jason slapped her across the face again. “I hate Shakespeare,” he said.

“Gee, I can’t believe you’re being so sweet to me,” she replied. “My name’s Carmen.”

“I’m Jason,” he said. “Wanna go out with me?”

“Well, I don’t know,” said Carmen. “I only date guys with lots of money. How rich are you?”

Jason backed up, put his fist just below his mouth to simulate a microphone, and began rapping,

“It's all about the Benjamins, what?

I get a fifty pound bag of ooh for the mutts
Five carats on my hands wit the cuts
And swim in European figures"


Carmen just stared at him and said, “I don’t know what you said, but it sounds really cool! Ok, let’s go out right now!”

And so, Carmen and Jason went off together, blissfully unaware that they were being watched by the Lord of Darkness and his newest minion through a magic crystal ball. The view that the crystal ball was showing zoomed out so now it revealed the entire southern part of the United States.

“Where’s the point in all this?” asked Volac.

“Well, you see that there?” said the Lord of Darkness, pointing to a spot in Texas on the magic crystal ball. “That’s Point, Texas. It has an area is 7.2 square kilometers and a population of 645 people, according to the 1990 census.”

“Oh, yeah,” said Volac.

“But enough with the geography lesson,” said the Lord of Darkness. “It has come to my attention that you have not been worshiping me properly. Tell me why, or I will feast on your soul!”

“Well, first of all, you use too many clichés like that,” replied Volac. “But more importantly, I just don’t fear you. I mean, you make all sorts of big threats about eating souls and ripping out hearts and stealing pantyhose, but I’ve never seen you do anything like that.”

“Well, Volac, I am the Lord of Darkness, and I have great power,” he said.

“I don’t believe you,” said Volac. “Show me some of this great power.”

The Lord of Darkness took a step toward Volac, brushed his hand over Volac’s face so it touched his nose, raised his fist above him, put his thumb between his index finger and middle finger, and said, “Got your nose!”

“Hey, that’s my nose!” yelled Volac, falling for the trick. “Give that back!” He danced around, reaching for the Lord of Darkness’s hand but kept falling short of the target.

“All right,” said Volac, finally giving up. “I believe you now. I will worship you like the rest. I will steal souls for you. I will bring you someone’s head on a silver platter whenever you ask. I will lick your dirty, old, stinky feet. I will give you piggy-back rides. I will sing you lullabies to help you sleep. I will let you raid my panty drawer. I will shove index cards up my nose for your entertainment. I will let you use a crowbar to pop off my kneecaps. I will bring you cartoon porn. I will offer my for you to . . .”

“Ok, that’s enough worshiping for now,” said the Lord of Darkness. “Just go and fetch me the liver of a blaspheming Jew.”

Volac went down to Earth and found a Jewish short story writer (I can’t remember his name) and took his liver. Nowhere near that writer’s house was a synagogue where the rabbi and a young girl from the town were meeting.

“Where’s the point in all this?” asked the rabbi.

The girl bent forward to see what the rabbi was looking at and said, “Well, since what you’re reading follows the rules of English grammar, the point would be that dot at the end of the sentence, called a period.”

“Oh, yeah,” said the rabbi.

The girl sat back down in her chair. Her name was Asha, and she was a practicing Hindu because her family was originally from India. Although she wasn’t Jewish, she needed guidance and there were no Hindu temples in her town.

She looked around the room and saw many posters. Wrestling posters, to be precise. Posters of the WWF superstar, The Rock, to be more precise. The Rock always referred to himself in the third person and said things like, “The Rock is gonna take his boot and stick it straight up your candy ass!” and “If you smell what The Rock is cooking!”

Asha was somewhat confused by what she saw in the rabbi’s private study, but she didn’t know that much about Jewish culture, so she just figured it was appropriate for rabbis to decorate their walls with personal items like these.

“So, what’s the problem, jabroni?” asked the rabbi, smiling politely.

Asha didn’t know what a jabroni was, but she assumed it was some Yiddish word, so she just ignored it and said, “Well, rabbi, my parents only want me to date Hindu men, but I’ve met this Muslim man, and now we’re dating behind my parents’ backs. I don’t like lying to my parents, but I know that if I tell them, they’ll forbid me from seeing him. What should I do?”

The rabbi cleared his throat and calmly stood up. Then, without warning, he vigorously jumped on his desk and yelled, “You call that a problem! Well, The Rabbi says he’ll give you one week, and The Rabbi means one week!, to be honest with your parents, or The Rabbi will just have to go to your house and deal with this problem himself! Your parents will have to accept who you date, so The Rabbi is gonna teach your parents to know their roles and shut their mouths! And if those jabronis still give you trouble, The Rabbi is gonna lay the smackdown on their candy asses!”

Asha was speechless after hearing this supposed holy man start ranting and raving like this. But she didn’t have to say anything because The Rabbi continued, “Now The Rabbi thinks you should come to the synagogue’s services and hear the millions, and millions!, of The Rabbi’s congregants chanting The Rabbi’s name. The Rabbi says you’ll never hear a better sermon anywhere in town!”

Then The Rabbi picked up a microphone from the desk, stood up straight, titled his head up, put the microphone to his lips, and yelled, “If you smelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll what The Rabbi is praying!”

Suddenly, the doors to The Rabbi’s room slammed open and in walked a very big man. He was wearing a clergyman’s white robe but not the usual headwear, so Asha could see that his head was completely bald and he had a moustache and a goatee. The man began yelling, “Hey, Rabbi! You got a lot of nerve telling her that you got the best sermons in town. Everyone knows, that only I, Stone Catholic Steve Austin, am the best in the business at making people solemnly reflect on their lives! And that’s the bottom line, ‘cause Stone Catholic said so!”

The Rabbi jumped down from his desk, got right in Stone Catholic Steve Austin’s face and said, “Well, The Rabbi says that Stone Catholic better watch his mouth, or else The Rabbi will have to teach him the true meaning of the Jewish faith! And The Rabbi thinks the best way to do that will be to take his Torah and stick straight up your candy ass!”

Stone Catholic Steve Austin didn’t flinch and didn’t back down. He just stared into The Rabbi’s eyes and said, “Rabbi, if you’re gonna be talking about the Torah, then maybe I’d better be quoting you a verse from the Bible! Let’s see now, which verse would be good? Oh, I’ve got a good one for you, jackass! Austin 3:16 says I’m gonna whoop your ass!”

Stone Catholic Steve Austin shoved The Rabbi as hard as he could. The Rabbi took a step forward and immediately came back with a push of his own. Stone Catholic responded by throwing a punch that connected with The Rabbi’s face and knocked him down. Asha got up and ran out of the room, but from behind she first heard the sound of a bell ringing and then a play-by-play announcer talking, even though she hadn’t seen anyone else in the room.

She could hear the announcer saying, “We are here live in The Rabbi’s private study where an impromptu match has just begun between The Rabbi and Stone Catholic Steve Austin. Stone Catholic is in control at the beginning of this match. He just knocked The Rabbi down and is looking to do more damage. Stone Catholic is setting The Rabbi up for his move, a Palm Sunday Slam! He delivers it, and The Rabbi is lying on his back in pain! Now it looks like Stone Catholic is about to deliver an Exorcism Elbow! But wait! The Rabbi moved out of the way! He picks Stone Catholic up and executes a perfect Bar Mitzvah Bomb! But The Rabbi isn’t done yet! He forces Stone Catholic to get to his feet, and then sends him right back down to the ground with a Hanukkah Headbutt! The Rabbi’s got a lot of momentum in this match now. He picks up Stone Catholic again and sends him bouncing off the ropes. Stone Catholic is coming back towards him, and The Rabbi tries a Kosher Kick but misses! Stone Catholic takes advantage of the opportunity and hits The Rabbi with a Baptism Body Slam! The Rabbi is slowly getting up, and I think Stone Catholic is looking to end this match soon. He’s putting The Rabbi in a Hail Mary Headlock! The Rabbi’s having some trouble breathing, and he may have to give up soon. But no, he’s fighting back with a series of Shabbat Chops! Stone Catholic is forced to release the hold, and The Rabbi uses that break to deliver a Menorah Mat Slam! It looks like that move knocked Stone Catholic out, so The Rabbi is going for the pin here. But the referee’s not counting! Someone outside the ring is distracting him! Is that? Can it be? Yes, I think it is! It’s Jesus outside the ring! He’s distracting the referee to help his friend, Stone Catholic Steve Austin! Now The Rabbi’s getting up and seeing what’s going on. That’s a big mistake because Stone Catholic is slowly recovering. Wait, he seems to be reaching into his pocket for something! It’s a Bible! He just knocked The Rabbi out with it from behind! That should’ve gotten Stone Catholic disqualified, but the referee was being distracted by Jesus! Now Jesus is leaving ringside, pretending that he’s so innocent and free of sin, but we all know he’s not! Now that the referee’s watching, Stone Catholic is trying to pin The Rabbi! One, two, oh my god, The Rabbi got his shoulder up! Stone Catholic can’t believe it! And now The Rabbi’s back on his feet! Stone Catholic looks like he’s in shock! It looks like The Rabbi is looking for someone! He’s calling for someone to come help him, but nobody’s in sight! Wait, I think I know what he’s doing! Just like Jesus came and helped Stone Catholic, The Rabbi’s calling for his own messiah to come and help him out! But the Jewish messiah is nowhere to be found! Oh no, The Rabbi better watch out, because Stone Catholic is sneaking up behind him! The Rabbi just turned around, and whoa! Stone Catholic just executed his finishing move, the Crucifix Clothesline! He’s going for the pin now, and the referee’s counting. One, two, three! It’s over! Stone Catholic has beaten The Rabbi with his Crucifix Clothesline! And he’s thanking Jesus for making his victory possible!”

Watching this event take place from above were two seraphs, which were types of angels with three sets of wings.

“Where’s the point in all this?” asked one seraph.

“Well, the point is the piece of land sticking out there called Florida,” said the other seraph, whose name was John. “After all, a point means an extension of land projecting into water, like a peninsula.”

“Oh, yeah,” said William, the first seraph. He then took Florida in his hand and jammed it deep into John’s eye. John let out a primal scream as blood spewed out of his eye, and then he sat down in the corner of the cloud, only now realizing who William really was.

“So, you are the great flesh-eating creature of Antor who seeks to overthrow my father, the king of Luxembourg, and take his place to bring back disco music!” yelled John.

“Yes, it is I!” responded William. “Wait, no, I can’t do this anymore. Cut!”

The director walked onto the cloud and asked, “What’s the problem now?”

“The problem is that people just saw this scene five pages ago!” said William. “What’s the point of doing it again?”

“Well, it’s not exactly the same scene,” said the director. “It’s got a different spin on it. You two are angels here. And the way you used Florida to stab him in the eye instead of a pencil, well that’s downright hilarious!”

“Yes, very humorous,” responded William dryly. “But I can’t do this. It’s too repetitive. I quit.” William began walking off the cloud back into the heavenly kingdom.

“No, wait, come back!” yelled the director, going after William.

“Um, what about me?” asked John. “I’m still lying in the corner here with Florida in my eye and blood all over my body. Why isn’t someone helping me?”

“Oh, quit your whining,” said the director. “This scene isn’t working out. Go to the next unrelated event!”

Meanwhile, back in Canada, Vanessa was in her college dorm room talking with someone.

“Where’s the point in all this?” asked Vanessa.

“Well, this is your GPA, or grade point average,” responded Joe. “One point equals one letter grade. So the number you see there, 1.2, is the average of your grades for your classes so far.”

“Oh, yeah,” said Vanessa.

Joe stood up and said, “Look, I know you’re a freshman. And I know I’m your R.A. and I’m supposed to help you with things. But please, if you ever get the urge to call me over something incredibly easy like that, do us all a favor and poke your eye out with something like a pencil or a peninsula.” Joe then walked out of Vanessa’s room.

Vanessa looked at her watch, studied it, and said, “Nope. Still can’t tell time.” As she reached to get a pencil, she accidentally knocked over her lit scented candle. The candle fell off her desk and onto her bed, and the flames quickly spread. Soon, her entire bed was engulfed in flames.

Vanessa stood up quickly and said, “Oh no! I have to get out of here!” She opened her door and ran out. She started running down the hall. But suddenly she stopped and was motionless for a second. Then she said to herself, “Wait a minute. I don’t know what to do!” She began shaking with fear. “What do I do? What do I do? Wait, I know! There was this list of instructions in case of a fire in my room!” Vanessa ran down the hall the other way, and then she opened the door to her room and went inside.

Barely noticing the fire that was spreading from her bed to her desk, Vanessa looked at the sign on the inside of her door. It read, “Fire Evacuation Procedures. In the event of a fire, follow these procedures.” Vanessa jumped up and down and said, “Oh goody! This’ll tell me what to do! Ok, the first thing it says is, ‘1. Know the location of the two nearest exits.’ Ok! I can do that!”

In order to follow that instruction, Vanessa exited the room and ran as fast she could down the hallway. She didn’t stop until she got to the end of it where she saw the door to the outside, pointed at it, and said, “There’s one exit.” Then she turned around and ran in the other direction all the way down the hall until she encountered another door to exit the building, pointed at it, and said, “And that’s two exits!”

She ran back to her room and looked at the next part of the sign. “’2. Know the location of the nearest fire alarm.’ No problem!” Vanessa pulled the door open and ran out of the room. She stopped right outside and looked left and right. There were fire alarms that she could see in both directions. “I see two fire alarms,” she said. “But I need to know where the nearest one is! I can’t tell which one is closer! I’d better get a measuring tape to find out!” Vanessa ran back into her room. She opened her desk drawer and barely managed to get her measuring tape out before the flames spread to that part of her desk. She measured from the edge of her door to one fire alarm. “This one’s nine feet, four inches from my door.” Then she took the time to measure the distance from her door to the other fire alarm, ignoring the smoke that was now starting to come out of her room. “Eight feet, seven inches. This one’s closer! Now I know where the nearest fire alarm is!”

Vanessa went into her room again, closed the door behind her, and read the next part of the list, ignoring the fact that the fire had now consumed much of her closet. She said, “Now it says, ‘3. Feel the door before opening. If any door is hot to the touch, DO NOT OPEN!” She made sure to yell that last part because it was capitalized, bold, and italicized on the poster. Vanessa put her hand on the door and said, “Ok. This one’s not hot, so it’s safe to open.” She then looked around her room and said, “Hmmm. What other door here would I want to open? Oh, I know! I’ll need to open my closet door if I want clothes!”

The door to the closet was already on fire, but that didn’t deter Vanessa. She put her hand on the door and said, “Hmmm. I suppose this could be considered hot, but I’m not sure. I’d better keep it on a little bit longer just to make sure.” About a minute went by, and Vanessa’s hand remained on the burning closet door. Only when her hand was on fire did she say, “Ok. This is definitely hot. I’ll make sure not to open this door.” Then she put the fire on her hand out with a wet towel and walked back to the instructions.

“Next it says, ‘4. If egress is blocked due to hot door or excessive fire and/or smoke, stay in room and summon help.’” Vanessa scratched her head and said, “What’s an egress? Oh no! I can’t follow the instructions if I don’t know what all the words mean! I’d better go look it up in my dictionary!”

She went to her cabinet and opened it up. Then she took the dictionary out of it just before the whole cabinet collapsed from the flames that were raging around it. Vanessa opened the dictionary and flipped to the word egress. She read, “Egress. Noun. A path or opening for going out; an exit.” She closed the book and threw it onto her bed where it was instantly enveloped in the fire. She said, “I get it now! They shouldn’t make these instructions so complicated!”

Vanessa avoided the flaming curtains and went back to the list of instructions on her door. She said, “Ok. Here’s the last instruction. ‘5. If you cannot stay in an area due to the presence of fire and/or smoke, exit premises by crawling low under smoke and heat.’” She took a moment to look around the room and consider whether she could or could not stay in the area. After noticing that a table very close to her had become part of the large fire, she said, “I’ve decided that I can’t stay here anymore because of this fire. So I’d better crawl out of here.” So Vanessa got on her hands and knees, crawled through the doorway, and bumped her head on the closed door. She remained on her hands and knees and backed up a little bit then crawled forward and bumped her head again. This continued on her for about three and a half minutes with her bumping her head on the door, backing up, and trying again. She kept trying to crawl low in order to avoid the heat and smoke until a piece of burning wood from the table came off and hit the back of her leg. Vanessa had to turn around to put out the small fire on her clothes. Then she stood up and said, “Damnit! I don’t know how to do this part! If only I was able to do that I’d be done and could leave!”

She then noticed something on the poster. “Hey, wait a minute! There’s something else here under the last instruction. It says, ‘Students are reminded to report all criminal activity or other emergencies to the campus police immediately by calling 555-3508.’ Hmmm.” She thought for a moment and then continued, “Well, this is certainly an emergency I can report. But it mentions criminal activities before emergencies. So I guess they want me to report criminal activities first.” Because her regular phone had become part of the fire five minutes ago, Vanessa took out her cell phone, dialed the number, and said, “Hello? Campus police? Yes, I’d like to report something. Well, my friend Jacob has a turtle in his room when he’s not supposed to have any pets. That’s right, it’s an ILLEGAL TURTLE!” She then took a step to the right in order to get away from the heat of the fire that now encompassed just about everything in the room.

“Uh huh,” she continued on the phone. “Oh yeah, and I saw someone else from my floor skateboarding in front of the building, and we all know that skateboarders are a menace to western civilization! And I’ve got one more thing to report. It’s . . . What? Oh yeah, I’ll hold.” As Vanessa was waiting on the phone to tell them about the blazing fire in her room, she passed out from the smoke and collapsed on the floor.

Vanessa’s death was in the newspaper the next day. Also in the newspaper was the report of two people, one man and one woman, entering a tall building and assaulting many guards there.

Neo and Trinity were on a mission to save their leader, Morpheus. Once the metal detector detected their guns, they immediately set out to take down everyone in their path. Using their numerous weapons as well as some impressive martial arts moves, the two heroes bravely killed all of the security guards in the building who were trying to do their jobs. Trinity and Neo entered the elevator and pushed the button for the top floor.

During their rise, they unzipped a bag revealing a bomb inside. While Trinity pushed some buttons to activate the timer, Neo pressed the Emergency Stop button, halting the elevator at the forty-first floor. Then he opened up a small door at the top of the elevator, allowing them both to climb on top of it.

Once on top, Neo attached some sort device to one of the elevator cables, and this device was secured to Neo as well. Then he took out a gun and shot one of the cables at a point above him, thereby breaking that cable and making the entire elevator car shake. He pointed his gun above him at the other cable and said, “There is no point.” Then he fired the gun and severed the other cable, making the entire elevator drop.

Do you see what’s wrong with this scene? Do you? Huh? Well? Huh? Maybe you want to read it again closely. Do you see what Neo and Trinity did wrong yet? Huh? How about now? Do you? Well? You have to be observant to catch this. All right, fine. I’ll tell you what was wrong with it.

Because Neo had shot the cables out above him, instead of below him, Neo and Trinity fell down the shaft with the elevator. They made a loud noise when they hit the bottom. No one will ever know if they survived that fall. But if they had, then they wouldn’t have survived long because the bomb they set up exploded a few seconds later, destroying the first few floors of the building.

Obviously, Neo and Trinity failed in their mission. Morpheus died a little while later. And the only people who knew that what everyone perceives as reality was just an elaborate computer simulation were gone. So there really is no point to going to work, going to school, meeting friends, eating, sleeping, reading this story, or doing anything else. Have a nice day.