The "Freeola Customer Forum" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
I have spaced text out slightly after complaints in other spoofs about it being too much to read....
A high street. Taxis whiz through the air above. It is raining quite heavily. A man
surrounded by a ball of energy walks along, raindrops bouncing off his “energy
shell”. He walks over to a bank, and opens the door. The energy ball flashes then
disappears as he walks into the bank. He removes his hood on his cloak and looks up
at the glass roof. Hovertaxis, and hovercars whiz above. He walks over to the bank
counter.
Bank Employee: Ahh Mr. Stryke, how are you these days?
Stryke: As good as can be I suppose.
Bank Employee: Money to check in?
Stryke: Yeh 50 zizaaaaxuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuusususu.
Bank Employee: I think you mean 50 zizaaaaxuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuusususuZASUS.
Stryke: Whatever, this currency sucks. Why did we have to join a galaxy currency?
Those aliens on the planet Razooausaazasusu have the most odd language ever.
Bank Guy: Okay, let me have those, and sign here… here and here.
He hands Stryke a piece of paper. He starts to fill in the form using his finger. He sticks it on to the wall and moves his eye level with a box entitled “retina scan”. There
is a flash and a message “stored” appears on the box. He moves it back on to the surface and scans it for mistakes with his finger, a big smudge is created.
Stryke: Ahhh I’ve really got to get the hang of this penfinger technology.
Bank Employee: Take’s getting used to it does…
Lightning flashes above. Stryke who is rubbing it out with his tongue stops. He lets go of the paper and steps back.
Bank Employee: Something wrong?
Stryke: Get down!
The glass ceiling suddenly shatters. Stryke leaps on to the floor and slides along the polished surface. As he does so a space coach smashes into the ground, sending debris in every directions. As he slides he pulls out a familiar object from his belt, a lightsabre and knocks back the debris. He continues to slide until he gets to a moving conveyer belt that apparently leads to the vault, employees only. He hits the employees only door.
Computer voice: “ACCESS DENIED! BANK ROBBERY IN PROCESS!”
An electronic hand comes flying out of the door and grabs hold of Stryke’s arm. It hauls him up. Stryke swings his lightsabre at the hand cutting it off.
Computer voice: “OWCH”
Stryke leaps up and runs. He turns the corner back into the transaction room. Dozens of armoured men have climbed out of the spacecoach. One is slowly climbing out on fire.
Stryke: Monsoontroopers!
Stryke jumps into the air and glides. He glides into a monsoontrooper knocking him to the ground. He runs up the wall and does a backwards somersault collapsing on to a monsoontrooper breaking his fall (and in turn his own back). A monsoontrooper pulls out a laser gun. He shoots several times. Stryke leans back, as laser bolts fly over his shoulders. He weaves in and out of them as the camera spans around him. He then falls on to the floor.
Stryke: Arg me back.
He jumps up and throws his lightsabre it flies straight into one of the monsoontroopers. He leaps into the air, and goes into a flying kick knocking another against the side of the spacecoach. The sabre meanwhile takes the head of another monsoontrooper clean off and the sabre returns like a boomerang into Stryke’s extended hand.
Monsoontrooper: Lets go!
Monsoontrooper 2: The objective!
Monsoontrooper: Objective my ar=
The monsoontrooper gets shot in the head with a discarded lasergun that Stryke has picked up.
Monsoontrooper 2: Arg just me to sort this out now!
The monsoontrooper starts firing lasers at Stryke. Stryke fires back. Both of them weave in and out of the lasers bolts. They leap into the air firing. They collide and touch hands. Laserbolts fly over each of their shoulders. They both collapse to the ground next to each other with laserguns pointed to each other’s heads. There is a tense moment of silence as they have their guns at each other’s heads
Monsoontrooper 2: Your out of laser bolts…
Stryke: Am I?
Stryke fires into the air.
Monsoontrooper: Oh damn.
There is the shriek and a bird falls to the floor.
Stryke: Mm… I think that’s an endangered species. Whoops.
The monsoontrooper tries to stand up. Stryke pushes him down.
Stryke: Who sent you?
Monsoontrooper: I am fluent in over 50 languages. (He then makes a beeping down like R2D2).
Stryke: I said who sent you.
Monsoontrooper: Please don’t kill me.
Stryke: Who. Sent. You?
Monsoontrooper: The great Darth MoJoJoJo you dumby. Who else? We work for
him.
Stryke: Why?
Monsoontrooper: A ring…
Stryke: I see… oh damnit!
Stryke then executes the remaining Monsoontrooper. The bank employee starts to rise from behind the counter, as several police officers run in.
Bank employee: I’ve never seen someone move so fast…
Stryke: What about Sonic the hedgehog?
Bank Employee: Oh yes, forgot about him.
Police officer: Monsoontroopers. On our planet. WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
He panics and runs out of the door, only to get hit by a hover-car.
Police officer 2: You managed to take all these monsoontroopers on by yourself?
Stryke: Yeh, I’m a Jedi…
(Star wars music begins to play)
Stryke: Here comes the scrolling text that does my eyes in because I’m a slow reader
and have to squint really hard to see the text when it goes too far in the distance...
A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY,
A ONCE PEACEFUL UNIVERSE NOW LAY DISTRAUGHT AS A DRUNKARD
NORTHERNER SPILT HIS HATE INTO THE ENTIRE PLACE,
HIS NAME THE DARTH MOJOJOJO
HE HAD TAKEN HIS PLACE AS THE MOST EVIL PERSON EVER,
EVEN MORE EVIL THEN SOMEONE THRUSTING A HEDGEHOG UP YOUR
BOTTOM,
WITH THE JEDI NOW A MUCH WEAKER FORCE IN A LAND WHERE
LIGHTSABRING IS NOW MERELY A HOBBY LIKE FENCING WAS MANY
YEARS BEFORE, THE GALAXY COULD NOT DO MUCH MORE THAN IT
CURRENTLY WAS TO RESIST THE DARK SIDE,
ONLY ONE PLANET IN THE GALAXY REMAINED A FORCE THAT COULD
RECKON WITH THE DARK SIDE,
A NEUTRAL PLANET CURRENTLY FREE IN THIS REGIME AND HOME TO
MANY ASYLUM SEEKERS,
STAR WARS EPISODE 8: ATTACK OF THE MOJO
We see a massive courtroom with suspended platforms hovering above the ground. A man with lots of facial hair and glasses stands up.
Facial hair man: But Your Honour! We cannot just stand by and watch our galaxy be
destroyed before our eyes! This Darth MoJoJoJo is destroying our peaceful
neighbourhood, yet we just sit back and everytime another planet begs us to intervene
we keep saying “We remain neutral”. Surely we must do something?
Your Honour sits on a large chair; on either side he has two posh men with big heads. Your Honour wears a long cloak and looks superior to everyone else.
Your Honour: I refuse to answer that question for we must remain neutral.
Another platform whizzes around.
Another man from another platform: Your Honour! I’m from the land of the poodles
who suck up to the land of the superpower and I think we should go ==
The platform collides with the facial hair mans platform. They both tilt to the side and then collapse. They plummet from their hovering position downwards. Screams can be heard as they fall.
Your Honour: Not again! Those platform suppliers came from another galaxy and
promised me they had checked their hover tracks for any problems. What were their
names again?
Big head on left: Railtrack I believe sir. They came from the Milky Way Galaxy
saying they had lots of experience.
Your Honour: Mm.. Ant please contact them immediately.
Big head 2: But sir, I know this is the 69302nd century and all that and in this day and
age everything has to look futuristic as depicted in films, but surely it makes no sense
whatsoever to have speakers on hover platforms. What was wrong with the old system
where we all sat on seats and speakers stood in the middle?
Your Honour: Mr. Thraves… who’s the Supreme Chancellor of the Law here?
Grix Thraves: Well you.
Your Honour: Exactly…
Grix Thraves: But Your Honour we’ve lost fifty politicians so far with these new
platforms…
Your Honour: Fifty. Pfft, it’s exaggeration. You know what politicians are like,
bending data. Anyway, none of the young people were interested in the old version of
this politics. Nowadays, this new look parliament has boosted numbers of new
professionals in this career. We have handsome people in here for example that don’t
look like garden gnomes! Remember that William Hague from the Milky Way
Galaxy? Oh how we laughed. Now politicians look attractive. Me for example! I’m
fit!
Grix coughs.
Your Honour: Free booze, and clubbing at night makes this the greatest career in the
world.
Ant (muttering): I just wish he’d listen to people’s views rather than always remaining
blooming neutral…
Meanwhile….
Darth MoJo is sitting on a desk. On his left is Satan and on his right Saddam Hussein Jnr Jnr (*25). A nervous teenager stands in front of the desk.
Teenager: Um my um evil plot would be to be er to um to steal a nuclear weapon
from um The Planet of the Evil Dictactors and um use it on them. Here’s my um
Prototypes.
He hands a folder to Saddam Hussein Jnr Jnr how has a casual flick through and passes it to Darth MoJo. Darth MoJo shakes his head and passes it to Satan.
Darth MoJo: How would you rate your evil plan honestly…
Teenager: Um er 9 out of er 10?
Darth MoJo: Try ONE. To be honest, your plan is rubbish. It’s unoriginal, bland and=
Satan: It’s simply just not evil enough. You’re never going to make it as an evil
schemer.
Teenager looks to the floor.
Darth MoJo: Too be honest you are the least evil person we’ve seen today. You’re
just a sad lonely geek with no friends who thinks being evil is his way out of his
living hell.
Satan and Saddam Jnr Jnr nod. Teenager bursts out of the room in tears.
Satan: Nexxxt.
A slightly older person in his early twenties walks in.
Satan: Hello….. Phillip Lets see what you’ve got then.
Phillip: Right. I propose a triangular space station is built. It will be able to travel at
1 light year an hour at it’s fastest speed and can be fitted with a massive laser of mass
destruction that can be fired at the press of a button and destroy a whole single planet.
Satan: Bit clichéd don’t you think? I think it is. To be honest I don’t think this is the
evil plot we are looking for.
Darth MoJo: No it is. It does seem a bit clichéd I agree with you, but our planet IS
after all really old now, everythings clichéd.
Satan: There is still room for originality.
Darth MoJo: Satan, these are my interviews, you are just a judge and I think we
should bring him back for auditions.
Satan: Saddam… do you have a view on this.
Saddam: NUKE THE US!
Darth MoJo: MM… not really the view we need. No boy, come back tomorrow, you
have good ideas.
Phillip: Yeh! Cool!
Satan: Neeeeext.
Man walks in.
Satan: Oh hello Mr… er Darius. What are you going to do for us today.
Darius: I’d like to sing Britney Spears Hit me Baby one more time…
Back outside the bank…
Stryke gets into his Mini. Strykes Mini launches into the sky, and joins the traffic in the air. Stryke admires the traffic.
Stryke: I always wonder how people can join lanes above them without crashing.
Above me is a total blind spot. It just doesn’t seem safe to me. Lemme see if I can
join the top lane.
Stryke’s thrusters below his car go into action and he is propelled upwards. A few cars beep their horns as Stryke struggles to check his blind spots and see where he’s going.
Stryke: Driving was so much easier when we just used the ground…
Stryke hits a lamppost.
It’s late at night Stryke has got a lift home from his insurance company, they have
taken his car in to be fixed.
Insurance man: You know, I’ve never known someone to be as clumsy as you are.
That’s the fifteenth lamppost you’ve driven into! Unbelievable. Sorry to say this but
you’re insurance is way too cheap, we’re going to treble it.
Stryke: But I took the Pass Plus scheme! You can’t do this!
Insurance Man: Look matey. Why do you think you took three goes to pass the Pass
Plus scheme? The driving instructors are only out for one thing – MONEY! And if
you keep failing it’s more money to retake it. Same goes with those Driving Standards
Agencies Examiners. They make up the blooming major errors to make you fail and
retake!!
Stryke: Mm.. I guess.
Insurance Man: So your Pass Plus is worthless and we’re trebling your insurance.
Sign here…
The insurance man leaves. Stryke goes up to his phone that is making annoying sounds.
Telephone: You’ve got a message! You’ve got a message! You’ve got a message!
You’ve got a message!
Stryke: Damn the world was so much better when AOL didn’t make phones…
Stryke reads his message.
Voice: You have one new message.
Message: Hello this is your local hospital. We have someone called Hercules who has
just regained his memory. He was in an unfortunate accident last year, he got his head
impaled on a lightsabre. We’re escorting him home with his minder Gamezfreak. He
should be there in a minute.
The door swings open, Hercules runs in.
Stryke: Hercules?!
Hercules: Stryke!!
They run towards each other in slow motion. Joy in their faces. Stryke misses Hercules open arms and falls head first into the wall in front knocking himself out cold.
Hercules: Still the way I remember you….
Later..
Stryke wakes.
Stryke: Hercules. I thought you were dead!
Hercules: I nearly was! Someone forgot to call an ambulance silly!
Stryke: I suppose you’ve heard about MoJo…
Hercules: Yeh shame that him being evil and everything. So hows the lightsabre thing
going?
Stryke: Yeh cool, I took out some monsoontroopers today. They are after the one ring
MoJo left behind. The one in my possession.
Hercules: Rings? Oh I remember. How did he get all five? I’m confused
.
Stryke: Don’t worry, I’ll show you the film version later when it’s made “The Life
Story of Stryke”. Basically, he’s got five of the six. He’s evil and he wants to be
much more evil by getting the ring from me and thus having six.
Hercules: I see.
Stryke: He sent Monsoontroopers to steal it off me earlier.
Hercules: I see.
Gamezfreak: Can mesa use your toilet?
Hercule: Sure.
Gamezfreak leaves.
Stryke: I really didn’t notice him there. A Gungan right?
Hercules: Yep a Gungan. He’s my helper. He’s cool. He helps me out a lot. Anyway,
you got a spare lightsabre? They chucked mine away after surgically removing it from
my face.
Stryke: Nope. I have one. MoJo has one. No other ones. Here’s a plastic merchandise
one, I found it in granddads memorabilia collection.
Hercules takes it and moves it around.
Hercules: Hmm.. it’s not the same but I suppose it will do.
Stryke: If I’m correct MoJo will think of attacking our house next. That’s if he’s not
too busy blowing up planets. I expect he will send his men to do his dirty work rather
than do it himself. He always was rather lazy.
Hercules: So we don’t have much time.
Stryke: No probably hardly any at all. In fact I reckon we will get attacked, right….
The door is broken down.
Stryke: NOW.
Stryke draws his lightsabre and reflects the gunfire of several Monsoontroopers.
Hercules: Ahh!
Hercules runs up to one of them and hits a Monsoontroopers stomach with his plastic lightsabre. Hercules presses the buttons on the sides to make it make “authentic star wars noises”. The Monsoontrooper stops and stares at him as if he’s strange.
Hercules: Heheh. Nice robot….
The Monsoontrooper extends his arm pointing his lasergun at Hercules. Hercules closes his eyes. Suddenly the gun drops from his hand, and a decapitated Monsoontrooper falls to the ground. Stryke pulls Hercules up.
Stryke: Hercules run upstairs!
Hercules: Ok!
Hercules runs. Gamezfreak comes out of the bathroom.
Gamezfreak: What the?
Hercules: Run upstairs NOW!
Gamezfreak: Mesa Going..
They both run upstairs as Stryke does battle in the hall.
Upstairs in the attic….
Hercules: It’s so unfair. Stryke gets to look cool yet I don’t have a cool weapon. I
wish I was leading role material.
Gamezfreak: Don’t worry Hercules! Me make you look even cooler than Stryke!
Mehave a plan!
Hercules: You do?
Gamezfreak: Yep. Hercules, me saw this film and guy got bitten by this radioactive
spider and gained spider powers, he spin webs and super strong and stuff. Me thought
weza could do that to you!
Hercules: Cool, that’s a good idea. I think I saw that film. Spiderman weren’t it?
Gamezfreak: Yep. Right mesa will go off and get apparatus so wesa can make yousa
Spiderman and look coolsa!
Gamezfreak starts walking.
Hercules: Hey I’d wait if I were you. Stryke’s still killing people remember.
Gamezfreak: Oh yeh. I forgot.
Hercules: And we’re probably leaving soon. It’s dangerous staying here.
Downstairs…
Stryke decapitates the last Monsoontrooper.
Stryke: I rule.
Stryke (calling upstairs): Hercules come down here.
Hercules: K!
Hercules comes downstairs.
Hercules: Sorry I couldn’t help that much..
Stryke: No problem, I rule anyway.
Hercules: Gamezfreak is helping me out anyway. He’s going to get some stuff.
Stryke: Ok no problem.
Hercules: Where are we going to go now?
Stryke: We need to go to the Supreme Court to try and convince those politicians that
we have to lead an assault on Darth MoJo and his minions.
Hercules: Sounds good. Gamezfreak get the apparatus and meet us outside okay?
Gamezfreak: Whatever.
Later... at the Supreme Court
Stryke and Hercules have entered the Supreme Court. They sign some documents saying that their safety is nothing to do with the Supreme Court; they board a hover platform and enter the room. All the politicians are playing virtual chess and other games.
Your Honour: Hello guy with ugly face what can the Supreme Court do for you?
Stryke: Me and my companion Hercules are concerned about the threat of the Darth
MoJo and we believe that this government is underestimating him. If you allow him
to continue blowing up planets it is only a matter of time before he blows this one up.
Your Honour: I’m sorry but we remain neutral on that affair.
Ant: But sir, the man has a point…
Your Honour: We REMAIN NEUTRAL. N, E, errr… A, err T, errr no it’s N, E, W,
T, er.. mm. It doesn’t matter how it’s spelt but when I say neutral I mean NEUTRAL!
Ant: Sigh. I understand sir.
Your Honour: Ugly boy are you a politician?
Stryke: No sir, I am a Jedi. One of the last…
Your Honour: I didn’t think you were. You are way too ugly.
Stryke: As I was saying. I’m one of the last remaining Jedi in the world and I helped
defeat the Count Snuggly only a year ago.
Your Honour: No need to brag boy… and who’s your companion?
Stryke: This is Hercules, and together we aim to bring down MoJo, but we cannot do
it along. We need an army. An army to crush him. He must crush him now, or we will
all perish underneath his might. Surely you can see that?
Your Honour: We remain neutral.
Grix: Sir, please. We’ve been saying this for ages. We must create an army. We must!
Your Honour: Look do you want to keep your job? There are plenty of traditional
neutral politicians in this courtroom.
Grix: Sigh. Yes sir I do.
Female Senator: Sir this is ridiculous, if you are not willing to listen to other people’s
views you are nothing but a dictator.
Your Honour: Senator of Naboo please in short SHUT IT. Now Stryke you have
made your point and your views will be considered. Leave a contact number and we
will contact you for further debate of your topic but right now I’m in the middle of a
game of Battleships!
Stryke: I have to say I’m appalled at the lack of work by this Government. I thought it
was just a figure of speech that politicians just sat on their butts all day but obviously
not.
Your Honour returns to his game. Stryke sighs.
Stryke: Come on Hercules. We have to think of a different strategy.
As they leave the Supreme Court, Stryke is tapped on the back by the Naboo senator.
Senator of Naboo: I must apologise for our Supreme Court leader. I agree with you if
we just sit back we are jeopardising the safety of this planet and all those around it.
I’m…
Stryke: Mystique?
Senator: How… How did you know?
Stryke: You’re a girl. You’re in a spoof, there are no other girls on UKChatforums so
hences it’s got to be you.
Mystique: Mm… I’m sure that breaks the conventional laws of films but hey. I wish
you luck on your quest to get that northern drunkard Darth MoJoJoJo.
Stryke: Thank you Senator Mystique. I’m sure we will meet again.
Mystique: I’m sure we will, we wouldn’t have met and introduced ourselves to one
another if we wouldn’t. That never happens in films.
They leave the Supreme Court, Gamezfreak runs up to the gate where Hercules and Stryke are standing.
Stryke: It’s amazing how quickly things flow in films. I would not have expected such
perfect timing….
Gamezfreak: Right I’ve got this spider, shoved it in this cup and sneaked into the
hospital and maker it radioactive. It now has a healthy glow and should worka fine.
Soon you be big strong Spiderman!!!
Hercules: Cool! I can’t wait to weave webs.
Gamezfreak: Right, Puta your hand in here and lets it bite youza.
Stryke: Er. I’m not sure this is going to work guys…
Hercules: Sure it is!
Hercules thrusts his hand into the cup and pokes the spider. The spider responds by biting him several times on the arm. It draws blood.
Hercules: Ahhhhh!!!! Owwww!! That really hurt! Ahhrg! Owchch. Ahh! I’m losing
blood! Ahhhhhhhrgg!! (Cries like a little girl)
Gamezfreak: Don’t worry soon your have speciala powers.
Hercules: (sucking his wounds) You know, that spider reminds me of one I saw on the
Discovery Channel. Somewhere in the jungle or something.
Gamezfreak: Me took it from a placa called the zoo. Coolza hey.
Hercules: What was the spider’s species? I really can’t remember it’s name.
Gamezfreak: Black Widow.
Hercules: Oh yes! Black Widow spider! Wait a minute.. Black Wid… Those are
poison-
Hercules falls to the floor. Twitches several times then doesn’t move.
Gamezfreak: Whoopsies mesa sorry.
Stryke: MM… I think you killed him.
Gamezfreak: Whoopsies. Me make it better!
Stryke: Don’t be ridiculous he’s dead. Anyway looks like you’ll have to take Hercules
place as my sidekick.
Gamezfreak: Coolza!!
Stryke: Too right. Have you any special powers?
Gamezfreak: Mesa can burp the alphabet.
Stryke: Mm… probably won’t come in handy but you never know.
Next day, the heroes are eating breakfast..
TV: Today the evil Darth MoJoJoJo continued his journey of destruction by blowing
up the planet of Naboo. The attack happened only five minutes ago…. The entire
population has been killed off as anyone with a brain would be able to work out
themselves since the whole planet has been destroyed into oblivion…..
We move to another room and another television set
TV: …….An estimated two billion people lived on Naboo and are now estimated to
all be dead, apart from any holidaymakers, but it is likely those holiday makers got
blown up anyway since that Darth MoJoJoJo is blowing up all the planets he sees…
Anyway the impact is believed would have had the same destruction as a meteorite
five times the planets size.
Kid: Mum, Darth MoJoJoJo just killed Grandma!!
Mum: I know dear. (pauses) But he does write exceedingly good spoofs…
Kid nods.
Back in Strykes home.
Stryke: Darnit. MoJo’s blown up yet another planet! Now what?
Gamezfreak: Mesa have no idea.
Stryke: (muttering) You know I heard Gungans were suppose to be annoying but I
didn’t think this annoying…
Gamezfreak: Sorry mesa not hear you..
Stryke: Not important..
The phone rings.
Phone: Stryke, we request your presence in the Supreme Court urgently. You may
have heard about the recent destruction of Naboo. It is urgent that you come and
discuss the possibility of an army. We were wrong to remain neutral.
Stryke: Mm… that’s odd. They changed their mind quickly. Lets move.
In the Supreme Court…
Stryke: You called Your Honour. I’m glad you finally saw sense.
Your Honour: Yes, the safety of our planet must be put first before any views this
traditional government has of remaining neutral.
Stryke: Exactly.
Your Honour: That is why; we have given into Darth MoJo’s demands. We have
made a contract…
A hover platform comes into view. A tall figure stands on it, in a dark cloak with helmet. However the characteristic stench of alcohol on the breath and the five rings on the fingers of his right hand tells Stryke the man’s identity.
Stryke: Darth MoJoJoJo….
Your Honour: We have agreed to hand you over and the sixth ring you have in your
possession for the safety of this planet. Darth MoJoJoJo sir, Lord of the world he’s all
yours.
MoJoJoJo: Thank you Your Honour. Ha ha ha.
Stryke: No!!
Stryke leaps from the platform into midair in a dive towards Darth MoJoJoJo. He hits
the platform and swings his lightsabre. MoJoJoJo blocks with his.
Senator Mystique: Stryke watch out!
Monsoontroopers enter the room on hoverbikes. They fire lasers repeatedly at Stryke. Stryke dives to the floor. MoJo jumps backwards doing a flip and lands on the platform behind.
Stryke jumps up and rebounds several laser bolts. They reach the Monsoontroopers who fired them knocking them of their hover bikes and sending them hurtling down below.
MoJoJoJo: You always were stubborn. Give me the ring boy… brother.
Stryke: No! Never!
MoJoJoJo: I can spare your life in exchange for the ring. The ring that will make me
an unstoppable force!
Stryke leaps for MoJoJoJo’s platform. He then finds himself suspended in mid air.
Darth MoJoJoJo holds him aloft.
MoJoJoJo: It doesn’t have to end like this. Your life is now in my control. The ring or
your life. Or both, I can do either. Let me have the ring and there will be a place
beside me. Stryke throws his lightsabre at MoJoJoJo, it hurtles towards him.
MoJoJoJo jumps to one side releasing Stryke from his grip who begins to hurtle
downwards.
Stryke hits a platform below.
Stryke: Erg.
He reaches out to retrieve his lightsabre. It doesn’t return to him.
Mystique: It’s okay! I’m getting you out of here!
MoJoJoJo: Fool!
Darth MoJoJoJo appears, he now holds Strykes lightsabre in his other hand.
MoJo: I have become more powerful than I could ever have imagined! Men take him
away and freeze him in carbon…
Monsoontroopers: Sir that has been done before. Maybe something more original like
iron or silicon would be better?
MoJo: Mmm…
MoJo lifts the storm trooper up in the air.
MoJo: I’m the director not you.
He throws him off the platform and he plummets downwards.
MoJo: Phillip, start the ship and set course for the Death Triangle you managed to spectacularly build in two days with the hell from the many slaves we have aquired..
Phillip: As you wish sir.
The monsoontroopers gather around Stryke, they taser him.
Stryke: Ahh..
Phillip: Wait a minute? Are these the only lines I get to say in this spoof? Can’t I have
a bigger part?
MoJo turns and extends his arm. Suddenly Phillip is reaching for his neck and is gasping for breath.
MoJo: Don’t talk while I’m trying to look all-powerful. It’s an insult!
Phillip: (gasping) Sorry sir!
MoJo: Of course you are.
MoJo releases Phillip.
MoJo: Now get in the Windows Millennium Falcon and take us to the Death Triangle.
You will get more lines there.
Phillip: Will I die? I always die.
MoJo: How the heck should I know, it hasn’t been written yet! Now get in the
blooming spaceship!
Phillip nods.
MoJo: Now where was I? (Looks at Monsoontrooper) Take the girl and Stryke’s
annoying Gungan friend.
Gamezfreak: Me not annoying mez the cousin of Jar Jar Binks Gamezfreak.
MoJo: Shut up.
Gamezfreak is tasered as is Mystique.
MoJo: Taser that Gungan some more. It’s actually quite comical seeing it.
Gamezfreak is tasered again.
Gamezfreak: Meh ah urgg…
It goes black. A Monsoontrooper hands MoJo the ring he has prised off the finger of Stryke. MoJo pushes it on to his finger.
MoJo: Mm… this finger is too fat.
Monsoontroopers: Sir, try your little finger, not many rings fit on thumbs.
MoJo places it on his little finger. As he does, his arm hardens.
MoJo: My transformation to the dark side is now complete…..
A high street. Taxis whiz through the air above. It is raining quite heavily. A man
surrounded by a ball of energy walks along, raindrops bouncing off his “energy
shell”. He walks over to a bank, and opens the door. The energy ball flashes then
disappears as he walks into the bank. He removes his hood on his cloak and looks up
at the glass roof. Hovertaxis, and hovercars whiz above. He walks over to the bank
counter.
Bank Employee: Ahh Mr. Stryke, how are you these days?
Stryke: As good as can be I suppose.
Bank Employee: Money to check in?
Stryke: Yeh 50 zizaaaaxuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuusususu.
Bank Employee: I think you mean 50 zizaaaaxuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuusususuZASUS.
Stryke: Whatever, this currency sucks. Why did we have to join a galaxy currency?
Those aliens on the planet Razooausaazasusu have the most odd language ever.
Bank Guy: Okay, let me have those, and sign here… here and here.
He hands Stryke a piece of paper. He starts to fill in the form using his finger. He sticks it on to the wall and moves his eye level with a box entitled “retina scan”. There
is a flash and a message “stored” appears on the box. He moves it back on to the surface and scans it for mistakes with his finger, a big smudge is created.
Stryke: Ahhh I’ve really got to get the hang of this penfinger technology.
Bank Employee: Take’s getting used to it does…
Lightning flashes above. Stryke who is rubbing it out with his tongue stops. He lets go of the paper and steps back.
Bank Employee: Something wrong?
Stryke: Get down!
The glass ceiling suddenly shatters. Stryke leaps on to the floor and slides along the polished surface. As he does so a space coach smashes into the ground, sending debris in every directions. As he slides he pulls out a familiar object from his belt, a lightsabre and knocks back the debris. He continues to slide until he gets to a moving conveyer belt that apparently leads to the vault, employees only. He hits the employees only door.
Computer voice: “ACCESS DENIED! BANK ROBBERY IN PROCESS!”
An electronic hand comes flying out of the door and grabs hold of Stryke’s arm. It hauls him up. Stryke swings his lightsabre at the hand cutting it off.
Computer voice: “OWCH”
Stryke leaps up and runs. He turns the corner back into the transaction room. Dozens of armoured men have climbed out of the spacecoach. One is slowly climbing out on fire.
Stryke: Monsoontroopers!
Stryke jumps into the air and glides. He glides into a monsoontrooper knocking him to the ground. He runs up the wall and does a backwards somersault collapsing on to a monsoontrooper breaking his fall (and in turn his own back). A monsoontrooper pulls out a laser gun. He shoots several times. Stryke leans back, as laser bolts fly over his shoulders. He weaves in and out of them as the camera spans around him. He then falls on to the floor.
Stryke: Arg me back.
He jumps up and throws his lightsabre it flies straight into one of the monsoontroopers. He leaps into the air, and goes into a flying kick knocking another against the side of the spacecoach. The sabre meanwhile takes the head of another monsoontrooper clean off and the sabre returns like a boomerang into Stryke’s extended hand.
Monsoontrooper: Lets go!
Monsoontrooper 2: The objective!
Monsoontrooper: Objective my ar=
The monsoontrooper gets shot in the head with a discarded lasergun that Stryke has picked up.
Monsoontrooper 2: Arg just me to sort this out now!
The monsoontrooper starts firing lasers at Stryke. Stryke fires back. Both of them weave in and out of the lasers bolts. They leap into the air firing. They collide and touch hands. Laserbolts fly over each of their shoulders. They both collapse to the ground next to each other with laserguns pointed to each other’s heads. There is a tense moment of silence as they have their guns at each other’s heads
Monsoontrooper 2: Your out of laser bolts…
Stryke: Am I?
Stryke fires into the air.
Monsoontrooper: Oh damn.
There is the shriek and a bird falls to the floor.
Stryke: Mm… I think that’s an endangered species. Whoops.
The monsoontrooper tries to stand up. Stryke pushes him down.
Stryke: Who sent you?
Monsoontrooper: I am fluent in over 50 languages. (He then makes a beeping down like R2D2).
Stryke: I said who sent you.
Monsoontrooper: Please don’t kill me.
Stryke: Who. Sent. You?
Monsoontrooper: The great Darth MoJoJoJo you dumby. Who else? We work for
him.
Stryke: Why?
Monsoontrooper: A ring…
Stryke: I see… oh damnit!
Stryke then executes the remaining Monsoontrooper. The bank employee starts to rise from behind the counter, as several police officers run in.
Bank employee: I’ve never seen someone move so fast…
Stryke: What about Sonic the hedgehog?
Bank Employee: Oh yes, forgot about him.
Police officer: Monsoontroopers. On our planet. WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
He panics and runs out of the door, only to get hit by a hover-car.
Police officer 2: You managed to take all these monsoontroopers on by yourself?
Stryke: Yeh, I’m a Jedi…
(Star wars music begins to play)
Stryke: Here comes the scrolling text that does my eyes in because I’m a slow reader
and have to squint really hard to see the text when it goes too far in the distance...
A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY,
A ONCE PEACEFUL UNIVERSE NOW LAY DISTRAUGHT AS A DRUNKARD
NORTHERNER SPILT HIS HATE INTO THE ENTIRE PLACE,
HIS NAME THE DARTH MOJOJOJO
HE HAD TAKEN HIS PLACE AS THE MOST EVIL PERSON EVER,
EVEN MORE EVIL THEN SOMEONE THRUSTING A HEDGEHOG UP YOUR
BOTTOM,
WITH THE JEDI NOW A MUCH WEAKER FORCE IN A LAND WHERE
LIGHTSABRING IS NOW MERELY A HOBBY LIKE FENCING WAS MANY
YEARS BEFORE, THE GALAXY COULD NOT DO MUCH MORE THAN IT
CURRENTLY WAS TO RESIST THE DARK SIDE,
ONLY ONE PLANET IN THE GALAXY REMAINED A FORCE THAT COULD
RECKON WITH THE DARK SIDE,
A NEUTRAL PLANET CURRENTLY FREE IN THIS REGIME AND HOME TO
MANY ASYLUM SEEKERS,
STAR WARS EPISODE 8: ATTACK OF THE MOJO
We see a massive courtroom with suspended platforms hovering above the ground. A man with lots of facial hair and glasses stands up.
Facial hair man: But Your Honour! We cannot just stand by and watch our galaxy be
destroyed before our eyes! This Darth MoJoJoJo is destroying our peaceful
neighbourhood, yet we just sit back and everytime another planet begs us to intervene
we keep saying “We remain neutral”. Surely we must do something?
Your Honour sits on a large chair; on either side he has two posh men with big heads. Your Honour wears a long cloak and looks superior to everyone else.
Your Honour: I refuse to answer that question for we must remain neutral.
Another platform whizzes around.
Another man from another platform: Your Honour! I’m from the land of the poodles
who suck up to the land of the superpower and I think we should go ==
The platform collides with the facial hair mans platform. They both tilt to the side and then collapse. They plummet from their hovering position downwards. Screams can be heard as they fall.
Your Honour: Not again! Those platform suppliers came from another galaxy and
promised me they had checked their hover tracks for any problems. What were their
names again?
Big head on left: Railtrack I believe sir. They came from the Milky Way Galaxy
saying they had lots of experience.
Your Honour: Mm.. Ant please contact them immediately.
Big head 2: But sir, I know this is the 69302nd century and all that and in this day and
age everything has to look futuristic as depicted in films, but surely it makes no sense
whatsoever to have speakers on hover platforms. What was wrong with the old system
where we all sat on seats and speakers stood in the middle?
Your Honour: Mr. Thraves… who’s the Supreme Chancellor of the Law here?
Grix Thraves: Well you.
Your Honour: Exactly…
Grix Thraves: But Your Honour we’ve lost fifty politicians so far with these new
platforms…
Your Honour: Fifty. Pfft, it’s exaggeration. You know what politicians are like,
bending data. Anyway, none of the young people were interested in the old version of
this politics. Nowadays, this new look parliament has boosted numbers of new
professionals in this career. We have handsome people in here for example that don’t
look like garden gnomes! Remember that William Hague from the Milky Way
Galaxy? Oh how we laughed. Now politicians look attractive. Me for example! I’m
fit!
Grix coughs.
Your Honour: Free booze, and clubbing at night makes this the greatest career in the
world.
Ant (muttering): I just wish he’d listen to people’s views rather than always remaining
blooming neutral…
Meanwhile….
Darth MoJo is sitting on a desk. On his left is Satan and on his right Saddam Hussein Jnr Jnr (*25). A nervous teenager stands in front of the desk.
Teenager: Um my um evil plot would be to be er to um to steal a nuclear weapon
from um The Planet of the Evil Dictactors and um use it on them. Here’s my um
Prototypes.
He hands a folder to Saddam Hussein Jnr Jnr how has a casual flick through and passes it to Darth MoJo. Darth MoJo shakes his head and passes it to Satan.
Darth MoJo: How would you rate your evil plan honestly…
Teenager: Um er 9 out of er 10?
Darth MoJo: Try ONE. To be honest, your plan is rubbish. It’s unoriginal, bland and=
Satan: It’s simply just not evil enough. You’re never going to make it as an evil
schemer.
Teenager looks to the floor.
Darth MoJo: Too be honest you are the least evil person we’ve seen today. You’re
just a sad lonely geek with no friends who thinks being evil is his way out of his
living hell.
Satan and Saddam Jnr Jnr nod. Teenager bursts out of the room in tears.
Satan: Nexxxt.
A slightly older person in his early twenties walks in.
Satan: Hello….. Phillip Lets see what you’ve got then.
Phillip: Right. I propose a triangular space station is built. It will be able to travel at
1 light year an hour at it’s fastest speed and can be fitted with a massive laser of mass
destruction that can be fired at the press of a button and destroy a whole single planet.
Satan: Bit clichéd don’t you think? I think it is. To be honest I don’t think this is the
evil plot we are looking for.
Darth MoJo: No it is. It does seem a bit clichéd I agree with you, but our planet IS
after all really old now, everythings clichéd.
Satan: There is still room for originality.
Darth MoJo: Satan, these are my interviews, you are just a judge and I think we
should bring him back for auditions.
Satan: Saddam… do you have a view on this.
Saddam: NUKE THE US!
Darth MoJo: MM… not really the view we need. No boy, come back tomorrow, you
have good ideas.
Phillip: Yeh! Cool!
Satan: Neeeeext.
Man walks in.
Satan: Oh hello Mr… er Darius. What are you going to do for us today.
Darius: I’d like to sing Britney Spears Hit me Baby one more time…
Back outside the bank…
Stryke gets into his Mini. Strykes Mini launches into the sky, and joins the traffic in the air. Stryke admires the traffic.
Stryke: I always wonder how people can join lanes above them without crashing.
Above me is a total blind spot. It just doesn’t seem safe to me. Lemme see if I can
join the top lane.
Stryke’s thrusters below his car go into action and he is propelled upwards. A few cars beep their horns as Stryke struggles to check his blind spots and see where he’s going.
Stryke: Driving was so much easier when we just used the ground…
Stryke hits a lamppost.
It’s late at night Stryke has got a lift home from his insurance company, they have
taken his car in to be fixed.
Insurance man: You know, I’ve never known someone to be as clumsy as you are.
That’s the fifteenth lamppost you’ve driven into! Unbelievable. Sorry to say this but
you’re insurance is way too cheap, we’re going to treble it.
Stryke: But I took the Pass Plus scheme! You can’t do this!
Insurance Man: Look matey. Why do you think you took three goes to pass the Pass
Plus scheme? The driving instructors are only out for one thing – MONEY! And if
you keep failing it’s more money to retake it. Same goes with those Driving Standards
Agencies Examiners. They make up the blooming major errors to make you fail and
retake!!
Stryke: Mm.. I guess.
Insurance Man: So your Pass Plus is worthless and we’re trebling your insurance.
Sign here…
The insurance man leaves. Stryke goes up to his phone that is making annoying sounds.
Telephone: You’ve got a message! You’ve got a message! You’ve got a message!
You’ve got a message!
Stryke: Damn the world was so much better when AOL didn’t make phones…
Stryke reads his message.
Voice: You have one new message.
Message: Hello this is your local hospital. We have someone called Hercules who has
just regained his memory. He was in an unfortunate accident last year, he got his head
impaled on a lightsabre. We’re escorting him home with his minder Gamezfreak. He
should be there in a minute.
The door swings open, Hercules runs in.
Stryke: Hercules?!
Hercules: Stryke!!
They run towards each other in slow motion. Joy in their faces. Stryke misses Hercules open arms and falls head first into the wall in front knocking himself out cold.
Hercules: Still the way I remember you….
Later..
Stryke wakes.
Stryke: Hercules. I thought you were dead!
Hercules: I nearly was! Someone forgot to call an ambulance silly!
Stryke: I suppose you’ve heard about MoJo…
Hercules: Yeh shame that him being evil and everything. So hows the lightsabre thing
going?
Stryke: Yeh cool, I took out some monsoontroopers today. They are after the one ring
MoJo left behind. The one in my possession.
Hercules: Rings? Oh I remember. How did he get all five? I’m confused
.
Stryke: Don’t worry, I’ll show you the film version later when it’s made “The Life
Story of Stryke”. Basically, he’s got five of the six. He’s evil and he wants to be
much more evil by getting the ring from me and thus having six.
Hercules: I see.
Stryke: He sent Monsoontroopers to steal it off me earlier.
Hercules: I see.
Gamezfreak: Can mesa use your toilet?
Hercule: Sure.
Gamezfreak leaves.
Stryke: I really didn’t notice him there. A Gungan right?
Hercules: Yep a Gungan. He’s my helper. He’s cool. He helps me out a lot. Anyway,
you got a spare lightsabre? They chucked mine away after surgically removing it from
my face.
Stryke: Nope. I have one. MoJo has one. No other ones. Here’s a plastic merchandise
one, I found it in granddads memorabilia collection.
Hercules takes it and moves it around.
Hercules: Hmm.. it’s not the same but I suppose it will do.
Stryke: If I’m correct MoJo will think of attacking our house next. That’s if he’s not
too busy blowing up planets. I expect he will send his men to do his dirty work rather
than do it himself. He always was rather lazy.
Hercules: So we don’t have much time.
Stryke: No probably hardly any at all. In fact I reckon we will get attacked, right….
The door is broken down.
Stryke: NOW.
Stryke draws his lightsabre and reflects the gunfire of several Monsoontroopers.
Hercules: Ahh!
Hercules runs up to one of them and hits a Monsoontroopers stomach with his plastic lightsabre. Hercules presses the buttons on the sides to make it make “authentic star wars noises”. The Monsoontrooper stops and stares at him as if he’s strange.
Hercules: Heheh. Nice robot….
The Monsoontrooper extends his arm pointing his lasergun at Hercules. Hercules closes his eyes. Suddenly the gun drops from his hand, and a decapitated Monsoontrooper falls to the ground. Stryke pulls Hercules up.
Stryke: Hercules run upstairs!
Hercules: Ok!
Hercules runs. Gamezfreak comes out of the bathroom.
Gamezfreak: What the?
Hercules: Run upstairs NOW!
Gamezfreak: Mesa Going..
They both run upstairs as Stryke does battle in the hall.
Upstairs in the attic….
Hercules: It’s so unfair. Stryke gets to look cool yet I don’t have a cool weapon. I
wish I was leading role material.
Gamezfreak: Don’t worry Hercules! Me make you look even cooler than Stryke!
Mehave a plan!
Hercules: You do?
Gamezfreak: Yep. Hercules, me saw this film and guy got bitten by this radioactive
spider and gained spider powers, he spin webs and super strong and stuff. Me thought
weza could do that to you!
Hercules: Cool, that’s a good idea. I think I saw that film. Spiderman weren’t it?
Gamezfreak: Yep. Right mesa will go off and get apparatus so wesa can make yousa
Spiderman and look coolsa!
Gamezfreak starts walking.
Hercules: Hey I’d wait if I were you. Stryke’s still killing people remember.
Gamezfreak: Oh yeh. I forgot.
Hercules: And we’re probably leaving soon. It’s dangerous staying here.
Downstairs…
Stryke decapitates the last Monsoontrooper.
Stryke: I rule.
Stryke (calling upstairs): Hercules come down here.
Hercules: K!
Hercules comes downstairs.
Hercules: Sorry I couldn’t help that much..
Stryke: No problem, I rule anyway.
Hercules: Gamezfreak is helping me out anyway. He’s going to get some stuff.
Stryke: Ok no problem.
Hercules: Where are we going to go now?
Stryke: We need to go to the Supreme Court to try and convince those politicians that
we have to lead an assault on Darth MoJo and his minions.
Hercules: Sounds good. Gamezfreak get the apparatus and meet us outside okay?
Gamezfreak: Whatever.
Later... at the Supreme Court
Stryke and Hercules have entered the Supreme Court. They sign some documents saying that their safety is nothing to do with the Supreme Court; they board a hover platform and enter the room. All the politicians are playing virtual chess and other games.
Your Honour: Hello guy with ugly face what can the Supreme Court do for you?
Stryke: Me and my companion Hercules are concerned about the threat of the Darth
MoJo and we believe that this government is underestimating him. If you allow him
to continue blowing up planets it is only a matter of time before he blows this one up.
Your Honour: I’m sorry but we remain neutral on that affair.
Ant: But sir, the man has a point…
Your Honour: We REMAIN NEUTRAL. N, E, errr… A, err T, errr no it’s N, E, W,
T, er.. mm. It doesn’t matter how it’s spelt but when I say neutral I mean NEUTRAL!
Ant: Sigh. I understand sir.
Your Honour: Ugly boy are you a politician?
Stryke: No sir, I am a Jedi. One of the last…
Your Honour: I didn’t think you were. You are way too ugly.
Stryke: As I was saying. I’m one of the last remaining Jedi in the world and I helped
defeat the Count Snuggly only a year ago.
Your Honour: No need to brag boy… and who’s your companion?
Stryke: This is Hercules, and together we aim to bring down MoJo, but we cannot do
it along. We need an army. An army to crush him. He must crush him now, or we will
all perish underneath his might. Surely you can see that?
Your Honour: We remain neutral.
Grix: Sir, please. We’ve been saying this for ages. We must create an army. We must!
Your Honour: Look do you want to keep your job? There are plenty of traditional
neutral politicians in this courtroom.
Grix: Sigh. Yes sir I do.
Female Senator: Sir this is ridiculous, if you are not willing to listen to other people’s
views you are nothing but a dictator.
Your Honour: Senator of Naboo please in short SHUT IT. Now Stryke you have
made your point and your views will be considered. Leave a contact number and we
will contact you for further debate of your topic but right now I’m in the middle of a
game of Battleships!
Stryke: I have to say I’m appalled at the lack of work by this Government. I thought it
was just a figure of speech that politicians just sat on their butts all day but obviously
not.
Your Honour returns to his game. Stryke sighs.
Stryke: Come on Hercules. We have to think of a different strategy.
As they leave the Supreme Court, Stryke is tapped on the back by the Naboo senator.
Senator of Naboo: I must apologise for our Supreme Court leader. I agree with you if
we just sit back we are jeopardising the safety of this planet and all those around it.
I’m…
Stryke: Mystique?
Senator: How… How did you know?
Stryke: You’re a girl. You’re in a spoof, there are no other girls on UKChatforums so
hences it’s got to be you.
Mystique: Mm… I’m sure that breaks the conventional laws of films but hey. I wish
you luck on your quest to get that northern drunkard Darth MoJoJoJo.
Stryke: Thank you Senator Mystique. I’m sure we will meet again.
Mystique: I’m sure we will, we wouldn’t have met and introduced ourselves to one
another if we wouldn’t. That never happens in films.
They leave the Supreme Court, Gamezfreak runs up to the gate where Hercules and Stryke are standing.
Stryke: It’s amazing how quickly things flow in films. I would not have expected such
perfect timing….
Gamezfreak: Right I’ve got this spider, shoved it in this cup and sneaked into the
hospital and maker it radioactive. It now has a healthy glow and should worka fine.
Soon you be big strong Spiderman!!!
Hercules: Cool! I can’t wait to weave webs.
Gamezfreak: Right, Puta your hand in here and lets it bite youza.
Stryke: Er. I’m not sure this is going to work guys…
Hercules: Sure it is!
Hercules thrusts his hand into the cup and pokes the spider. The spider responds by biting him several times on the arm. It draws blood.
Hercules: Ahhhhh!!!! Owwww!! That really hurt! Ahhrg! Owchch. Ahh! I’m losing
blood! Ahhhhhhhrgg!! (Cries like a little girl)
Gamezfreak: Don’t worry soon your have speciala powers.
Hercules: (sucking his wounds) You know, that spider reminds me of one I saw on the
Discovery Channel. Somewhere in the jungle or something.
Gamezfreak: Me took it from a placa called the zoo. Coolza hey.
Hercules: What was the spider’s species? I really can’t remember it’s name.
Gamezfreak: Black Widow.
Hercules: Oh yes! Black Widow spider! Wait a minute.. Black Wid… Those are
poison-
Hercules falls to the floor. Twitches several times then doesn’t move.
Gamezfreak: Whoopsies mesa sorry.
Stryke: MM… I think you killed him.
Gamezfreak: Whoopsies. Me make it better!
Stryke: Don’t be ridiculous he’s dead. Anyway looks like you’ll have to take Hercules
place as my sidekick.
Gamezfreak: Coolza!!
Stryke: Too right. Have you any special powers?
Gamezfreak: Mesa can burp the alphabet.
Stryke: Mm… probably won’t come in handy but you never know.
Next day, the heroes are eating breakfast..
TV: Today the evil Darth MoJoJoJo continued his journey of destruction by blowing
up the planet of Naboo. The attack happened only five minutes ago…. The entire
population has been killed off as anyone with a brain would be able to work out
themselves since the whole planet has been destroyed into oblivion…..
We move to another room and another television set
TV: …….An estimated two billion people lived on Naboo and are now estimated to
all be dead, apart from any holidaymakers, but it is likely those holiday makers got
blown up anyway since that Darth MoJoJoJo is blowing up all the planets he sees…
Anyway the impact is believed would have had the same destruction as a meteorite
five times the planets size.
Kid: Mum, Darth MoJoJoJo just killed Grandma!!
Mum: I know dear. (pauses) But he does write exceedingly good spoofs…
Kid nods.
Back in Strykes home.
Stryke: Darnit. MoJo’s blown up yet another planet! Now what?
Gamezfreak: Mesa have no idea.
Stryke: (muttering) You know I heard Gungans were suppose to be annoying but I
didn’t think this annoying…
Gamezfreak: Sorry mesa not hear you..
Stryke: Not important..
The phone rings.
Phone: Stryke, we request your presence in the Supreme Court urgently. You may
have heard about the recent destruction of Naboo. It is urgent that you come and
discuss the possibility of an army. We were wrong to remain neutral.
Stryke: Mm… that’s odd. They changed their mind quickly. Lets move.
In the Supreme Court…
Stryke: You called Your Honour. I’m glad you finally saw sense.
Your Honour: Yes, the safety of our planet must be put first before any views this
traditional government has of remaining neutral.
Stryke: Exactly.
Your Honour: That is why; we have given into Darth MoJo’s demands. We have
made a contract…
A hover platform comes into view. A tall figure stands on it, in a dark cloak with helmet. However the characteristic stench of alcohol on the breath and the five rings on the fingers of his right hand tells Stryke the man’s identity.
Stryke: Darth MoJoJoJo….
Your Honour: We have agreed to hand you over and the sixth ring you have in your
possession for the safety of this planet. Darth MoJoJoJo sir, Lord of the world he’s all
yours.
MoJoJoJo: Thank you Your Honour. Ha ha ha.
Stryke: No!!
Stryke leaps from the platform into midair in a dive towards Darth MoJoJoJo. He hits
the platform and swings his lightsabre. MoJoJoJo blocks with his.
Senator Mystique: Stryke watch out!
Monsoontroopers enter the room on hoverbikes. They fire lasers repeatedly at Stryke. Stryke dives to the floor. MoJo jumps backwards doing a flip and lands on the platform behind.
Stryke jumps up and rebounds several laser bolts. They reach the Monsoontroopers who fired them knocking them of their hover bikes and sending them hurtling down below.
MoJoJoJo: You always were stubborn. Give me the ring boy… brother.
Stryke: No! Never!
MoJoJoJo: I can spare your life in exchange for the ring. The ring that will make me
an unstoppable force!
Stryke leaps for MoJoJoJo’s platform. He then finds himself suspended in mid air.
Darth MoJoJoJo holds him aloft.
MoJoJoJo: It doesn’t have to end like this. Your life is now in my control. The ring or
your life. Or both, I can do either. Let me have the ring and there will be a place
beside me. Stryke throws his lightsabre at MoJoJoJo, it hurtles towards him.
MoJoJoJo jumps to one side releasing Stryke from his grip who begins to hurtle
downwards.
Stryke hits a platform below.
Stryke: Erg.
He reaches out to retrieve his lightsabre. It doesn’t return to him.
Mystique: It’s okay! I’m getting you out of here!
MoJoJoJo: Fool!
Darth MoJoJoJo appears, he now holds Strykes lightsabre in his other hand.
MoJo: I have become more powerful than I could ever have imagined! Men take him
away and freeze him in carbon…
Monsoontroopers: Sir that has been done before. Maybe something more original like
iron or silicon would be better?
MoJo: Mmm…
MoJo lifts the storm trooper up in the air.
MoJo: I’m the director not you.
He throws him off the platform and he plummets downwards.
MoJo: Phillip, start the ship and set course for the Death Triangle you managed to spectacularly build in two days with the hell from the many slaves we have aquired..
Phillip: As you wish sir.
The monsoontroopers gather around Stryke, they taser him.
Stryke: Ahh..
Phillip: Wait a minute? Are these the only lines I get to say in this spoof? Can’t I have
a bigger part?
MoJo turns and extends his arm. Suddenly Phillip is reaching for his neck and is gasping for breath.
MoJo: Don’t talk while I’m trying to look all-powerful. It’s an insult!
Phillip: (gasping) Sorry sir!
MoJo: Of course you are.
MoJo releases Phillip.
MoJo: Now get in the Windows Millennium Falcon and take us to the Death Triangle.
You will get more lines there.
Phillip: Will I die? I always die.
MoJo: How the heck should I know, it hasn’t been written yet! Now get in the
blooming spaceship!
Phillip nods.
MoJo: Now where was I? (Looks at Monsoontrooper) Take the girl and Stryke’s
annoying Gungan friend.
Gamezfreak: Me not annoying mez the cousin of Jar Jar Binks Gamezfreak.
MoJo: Shut up.
Gamezfreak is tasered as is Mystique.
MoJo: Taser that Gungan some more. It’s actually quite comical seeing it.
Gamezfreak is tasered again.
Gamezfreak: Meh ah urgg…
It goes black. A Monsoontrooper hands MoJo the ring he has prised off the finger of Stryke. MoJo pushes it on to his finger.
MoJo: Mm… this finger is too fat.
Monsoontroopers: Sir, try your little finger, not many rings fit on thumbs.
MoJo places it on his little finger. As he does, his arm hardens.
MoJo: My transformation to the dark side is now complete…..
I have spaced text out slightly after complaints in other spoofs about it being too much to read....
A high street. Taxis whiz through the air above. It is raining quite heavily. A man
surrounded by a ball of energy walks along, raindrops bouncing off his “energy
shell”. He walks over to a bank, and opens the door. The energy ball flashes then
disappears as he walks into the bank. He removes his hood on his cloak and looks up
at the glass roof. Hovertaxis, and hovercars whiz above. He walks over to the bank
counter.
Bank Employee: Ahh Mr. Stryke, how are you these days?
Stryke: As good as can be I suppose.
Bank Employee: Money to check in?
Stryke: Yeh 50 zizaaaaxuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuusususu.
Bank Employee: I think you mean 50 zizaaaaxuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuusususuZASUS.
Stryke: Whatever, this currency sucks. Why did we have to join a galaxy currency?
Those aliens on the planet Razooausaazasusu have the most odd language ever.
Bank Guy: Okay, let me have those, and sign here… here and here.
He hands Stryke a piece of paper. He starts to fill in the form using his finger. He sticks it on to the wall and moves his eye level with a box entitled “retina scan”. There
is a flash and a message “stored” appears on the box. He moves it back on to the surface and scans it for mistakes with his finger, a big smudge is created.
Stryke: Ahhh I’ve really got to get the hang of this penfinger technology.
Bank Employee: Take’s getting used to it does…
Lightning flashes above. Stryke who is rubbing it out with his tongue stops. He lets go of the paper and steps back.
Bank Employee: Something wrong?
Stryke: Get down!
The glass ceiling suddenly shatters. Stryke leaps on to the floor and slides along the polished surface. As he does so a space coach smashes into the ground, sending debris in every directions. As he slides he pulls out a familiar object from his belt, a lightsabre and knocks back the debris. He continues to slide until he gets to a moving conveyer belt that apparently leads to the vault, employees only. He hits the employees only door.
Computer voice: “ACCESS DENIED! BANK ROBBERY IN PROCESS!”
An electronic hand comes flying out of the door and grabs hold of Stryke’s arm. It hauls him up. Stryke swings his lightsabre at the hand cutting it off.
Computer voice: “OWCH”
Stryke leaps up and runs. He turns the corner back into the transaction room. Dozens of armoured men have climbed out of the spacecoach. One is slowly climbing out on fire.
Stryke: Monsoontroopers!
Stryke jumps into the air and glides. He glides into a monsoontrooper knocking him to the ground. He runs up the wall and does a backwards somersault collapsing on to a monsoontrooper breaking his fall (and in turn his own back). A monsoontrooper pulls out a laser gun. He shoots several times. Stryke leans back, as laser bolts fly over his shoulders. He weaves in and out of them as the camera spans around him. He then falls on to the floor.
Stryke: Arg me back.
He jumps up and throws his lightsabre it flies straight into one of the monsoontroopers. He leaps into the air, and goes into a flying kick knocking another against the side of the spacecoach. The sabre meanwhile takes the head of another monsoontrooper clean off and the sabre returns like a boomerang into Stryke’s extended hand.
Monsoontrooper: Lets go!
Monsoontrooper 2: The objective!
Monsoontrooper: Objective my ar=
The monsoontrooper gets shot in the head with a discarded lasergun that Stryke has picked up.
Monsoontrooper 2: Arg just me to sort this out now!
The monsoontrooper starts firing lasers at Stryke. Stryke fires back. Both of them weave in and out of the lasers bolts. They leap into the air firing. They collide and touch hands. Laserbolts fly over each of their shoulders. They both collapse to the ground next to each other with laserguns pointed to each other’s heads. There is a tense moment of silence as they have their guns at each other’s heads
Monsoontrooper 2: Your out of laser bolts…
Stryke: Am I?
Stryke fires into the air.
Monsoontrooper: Oh damn.
There is the shriek and a bird falls to the floor.
Stryke: Mm… I think that’s an endangered species. Whoops.
The monsoontrooper tries to stand up. Stryke pushes him down.
Stryke: Who sent you?
Monsoontrooper: I am fluent in over 50 languages. (He then makes a beeping down like R2D2).
Stryke: I said who sent you.
Monsoontrooper: Please don’t kill me.
Stryke: Who. Sent. You?
Monsoontrooper: The great Darth MoJoJoJo you dumby. Who else? We work for
him.
Stryke: Why?
Monsoontrooper: A ring…
Stryke: I see… oh damnit!
Stryke then executes the remaining Monsoontrooper. The bank employee starts to rise from behind the counter, as several police officers run in.
Bank employee: I’ve never seen someone move so fast…
Stryke: What about Sonic the hedgehog?
Bank Employee: Oh yes, forgot about him.
Police officer: Monsoontroopers. On our planet. WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
He panics and runs out of the door, only to get hit by a hover-car.
Police officer 2: You managed to take all these monsoontroopers on by yourself?
Stryke: Yeh, I’m a Jedi…
(Star wars music begins to play)
Stryke: Here comes the scrolling text that does my eyes in because I’m a slow reader
and have to squint really hard to see the text when it goes too far in the distance...
A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY,
A ONCE PEACEFUL UNIVERSE NOW LAY DISTRAUGHT AS A DRUNKARD
NORTHERNER SPILT HIS HATE INTO THE ENTIRE PLACE,
HIS NAME THE DARTH MOJOJOJO
HE HAD TAKEN HIS PLACE AS THE MOST EVIL PERSON EVER,
EVEN MORE EVIL THEN SOMEONE THRUSTING A HEDGEHOG UP YOUR
BOTTOM,
WITH THE JEDI NOW A MUCH WEAKER FORCE IN A LAND WHERE
LIGHTSABRING IS NOW MERELY A HOBBY LIKE FENCING WAS MANY
YEARS BEFORE, THE GALAXY COULD NOT DO MUCH MORE THAN IT
CURRENTLY WAS TO RESIST THE DARK SIDE,
ONLY ONE PLANET IN THE GALAXY REMAINED A FORCE THAT COULD
RECKON WITH THE DARK SIDE,
A NEUTRAL PLANET CURRENTLY FREE IN THIS REGIME AND HOME TO
MANY ASYLUM SEEKERS,
STAR WARS EPISODE 8: ATTACK OF THE MOJO
We see a massive courtroom with suspended platforms hovering above the ground. A man with lots of facial hair and glasses stands up.
Facial hair man: But Your Honour! We cannot just stand by and watch our galaxy be
destroyed before our eyes! This Darth MoJoJoJo is destroying our peaceful
neighbourhood, yet we just sit back and everytime another planet begs us to intervene
we keep saying “We remain neutral”. Surely we must do something?
Your Honour sits on a large chair; on either side he has two posh men with big heads. Your Honour wears a long cloak and looks superior to everyone else.
Your Honour: I refuse to answer that question for we must remain neutral.
Another platform whizzes around.
Another man from another platform: Your Honour! I’m from the land of the poodles
who suck up to the land of the superpower and I think we should go ==
The platform collides with the facial hair mans platform. They both tilt to the side and then collapse. They plummet from their hovering position downwards. Screams can be heard as they fall.
Your Honour: Not again! Those platform suppliers came from another galaxy and
promised me they had checked their hover tracks for any problems. What were their
names again?
Big head on left: Railtrack I believe sir. They came from the Milky Way Galaxy
saying they had lots of experience.
Your Honour: Mm.. Ant please contact them immediately.
Big head 2: But sir, I know this is the 69302nd century and all that and in this day and
age everything has to look futuristic as depicted in films, but surely it makes no sense
whatsoever to have speakers on hover platforms. What was wrong with the old system
where we all sat on seats and speakers stood in the middle?
Your Honour: Mr. Thraves… who’s the Supreme Chancellor of the Law here?
Grix Thraves: Well you.
Your Honour: Exactly…
Grix Thraves: But Your Honour we’ve lost fifty politicians so far with these new
platforms…
Your Honour: Fifty. Pfft, it’s exaggeration. You know what politicians are like,
bending data. Anyway, none of the young people were interested in the old version of
this politics. Nowadays, this new look parliament has boosted numbers of new
professionals in this career. We have handsome people in here for example that don’t
look like garden gnomes! Remember that William Hague from the Milky Way
Galaxy? Oh how we laughed. Now politicians look attractive. Me for example! I’m
fit!
Grix coughs.
Your Honour: Free booze, and clubbing at night makes this the greatest career in the
world.
Ant (muttering): I just wish he’d listen to people’s views rather than always remaining
blooming neutral…
Meanwhile….
Darth MoJo is sitting on a desk. On his left is Satan and on his right Saddam Hussein Jnr Jnr (*25). A nervous teenager stands in front of the desk.
Teenager: Um my um evil plot would be to be er to um to steal a nuclear weapon
from um The Planet of the Evil Dictactors and um use it on them. Here’s my um
Prototypes.
He hands a folder to Saddam Hussein Jnr Jnr how has a casual flick through and passes it to Darth MoJo. Darth MoJo shakes his head and passes it to Satan.
Darth MoJo: How would you rate your evil plan honestly…
Teenager: Um er 9 out of er 10?
Darth MoJo: Try ONE. To be honest, your plan is rubbish. It’s unoriginal, bland and=
Satan: It’s simply just not evil enough. You’re never going to make it as an evil
schemer.
Teenager looks to the floor.
Darth MoJo: Too be honest you are the least evil person we’ve seen today. You’re
just a sad lonely geek with no friends who thinks being evil is his way out of his
living hell.
Satan and Saddam Jnr Jnr nod. Teenager bursts out of the room in tears.
Satan: Nexxxt.
A slightly older person in his early twenties walks in.
Satan: Hello….. Phillip Lets see what you’ve got then.
Phillip: Right. I propose a triangular space station is built. It will be able to travel at
1 light year an hour at it’s fastest speed and can be fitted with a massive laser of mass
destruction that can be fired at the press of a button and destroy a whole single planet.
Satan: Bit clichéd don’t you think? I think it is. To be honest I don’t think this is the
evil plot we are looking for.
Darth MoJo: No it is. It does seem a bit clichéd I agree with you, but our planet IS
after all really old now, everythings clichéd.
Satan: There is still room for originality.
Darth MoJo: Satan, these are my interviews, you are just a judge and I think we
should bring him back for auditions.
Satan: Saddam… do you have a view on this.
Saddam: NUKE THE US!
Darth MoJo: MM… not really the view we need. No boy, come back tomorrow, you
have good ideas.
Phillip: Yeh! Cool!
Satan: Neeeeext.
Man walks in.
Satan: Oh hello Mr… er Darius. What are you going to do for us today.
Darius: I’d like to sing Britney Spears Hit me Baby one more time…
Back outside the bank…
Stryke gets into his Mini. Strykes Mini launches into the sky, and joins the traffic in the air. Stryke admires the traffic.
Stryke: I always wonder how people can join lanes above them without crashing.
Above me is a total blind spot. It just doesn’t seem safe to me. Lemme see if I can
join the top lane.
Stryke’s thrusters below his car go into action and he is propelled upwards. A few cars beep their horns as Stryke struggles to check his blind spots and see where he’s going.
Stryke: Driving was so much easier when we just used the ground…
Stryke hits a lamppost.
It’s late at night Stryke has got a lift home from his insurance company, they have
taken his car in to be fixed.
Insurance man: You know, I’ve never known someone to be as clumsy as you are.
That’s the fifteenth lamppost you’ve driven into! Unbelievable. Sorry to say this but
you’re insurance is way too cheap, we’re going to treble it.
Stryke: But I took the Pass Plus scheme! You can’t do this!
Insurance Man: Look matey. Why do you think you took three goes to pass the Pass
Plus scheme? The driving instructors are only out for one thing – MONEY! And if
you keep failing it’s more money to retake it. Same goes with those Driving Standards
Agencies Examiners. They make up the blooming major errors to make you fail and
retake!!
Stryke: Mm.. I guess.
Insurance Man: So your Pass Plus is worthless and we’re trebling your insurance.
Sign here…
The insurance man leaves. Stryke goes up to his phone that is making annoying sounds.
Telephone: You’ve got a message! You’ve got a message! You’ve got a message!
You’ve got a message!
Stryke: Damn the world was so much better when AOL didn’t make phones…
Stryke reads his message.
Voice: You have one new message.
Message: Hello this is your local hospital. We have someone called Hercules who has
just regained his memory. He was in an unfortunate accident last year, he got his head
impaled on a lightsabre. We’re escorting him home with his minder Gamezfreak. He
should be there in a minute.
The door swings open, Hercules runs in.
Stryke: Hercules?!
Hercules: Stryke!!
They run towards each other in slow motion. Joy in their faces. Stryke misses Hercules open arms and falls head first into the wall in front knocking himself out cold.
Hercules: Still the way I remember you….
Later..
Stryke wakes.
Stryke: Hercules. I thought you were dead!
Hercules: I nearly was! Someone forgot to call an ambulance silly!
Stryke: I suppose you’ve heard about MoJo…
Hercules: Yeh shame that him being evil and everything. So hows the lightsabre thing
going?
Stryke: Yeh cool, I took out some monsoontroopers today. They are after the one ring
MoJo left behind. The one in my possession.
Hercules: Rings? Oh I remember. How did he get all five? I’m confused
.
Stryke: Don’t worry, I’ll show you the film version later when it’s made “The Life
Story of Stryke”. Basically, he’s got five of the six. He’s evil and he wants to be
much more evil by getting the ring from me and thus having six.
Hercules: I see.
Stryke: He sent Monsoontroopers to steal it off me earlier.
Hercules: I see.
Gamezfreak: Can mesa use your toilet?
Hercule: Sure.
Gamezfreak leaves.
Stryke: I really didn’t notice him there. A Gungan right?
Hercules: Yep a Gungan. He’s my helper. He’s cool. He helps me out a lot. Anyway,
you got a spare lightsabre? They chucked mine away after surgically removing it from
my face.
Stryke: Nope. I have one. MoJo has one. No other ones. Here’s a plastic merchandise
one, I found it in granddads memorabilia collection.
Hercules takes it and moves it around.
Hercules: Hmm.. it’s not the same but I suppose it will do.
Stryke: If I’m correct MoJo will think of attacking our house next. That’s if he’s not
too busy blowing up planets. I expect he will send his men to do his dirty work rather
than do it himself. He always was rather lazy.
Hercules: So we don’t have much time.
Stryke: No probably hardly any at all. In fact I reckon we will get attacked, right….
The door is broken down.
Stryke: NOW.
Stryke draws his lightsabre and reflects the gunfire of several Monsoontroopers.
Hercules: Ahh!
Hercules runs up to one of them and hits a Monsoontroopers stomach with his plastic lightsabre. Hercules presses the buttons on the sides to make it make “authentic star wars noises”. The Monsoontrooper stops and stares at him as if he’s strange.
Hercules: Heheh. Nice robot….
The Monsoontrooper extends his arm pointing his lasergun at Hercules. Hercules closes his eyes. Suddenly the gun drops from his hand, and a decapitated Monsoontrooper falls to the ground. Stryke pulls Hercules up.
Stryke: Hercules run upstairs!
Hercules: Ok!
Hercules runs. Gamezfreak comes out of the bathroom.
Gamezfreak: What the?
Hercules: Run upstairs NOW!
Gamezfreak: Mesa Going..
They both run upstairs as Stryke does battle in the hall.
Upstairs in the attic….
Hercules: It’s so unfair. Stryke gets to look cool yet I don’t have a cool weapon. I
wish I was leading role material.
Gamezfreak: Don’t worry Hercules! Me make you look even cooler than Stryke!
Mehave a plan!
Hercules: You do?
Gamezfreak: Yep. Hercules, me saw this film and guy got bitten by this radioactive
spider and gained spider powers, he spin webs and super strong and stuff. Me thought
weza could do that to you!
Hercules: Cool, that’s a good idea. I think I saw that film. Spiderman weren’t it?
Gamezfreak: Yep. Right mesa will go off and get apparatus so wesa can make yousa
Spiderman and look coolsa!
Gamezfreak starts walking.
Hercules: Hey I’d wait if I were you. Stryke’s still killing people remember.
Gamezfreak: Oh yeh. I forgot.
Hercules: And we’re probably leaving soon. It’s dangerous staying here.
Downstairs…
Stryke decapitates the last Monsoontrooper.
Stryke: I rule.
Stryke (calling upstairs): Hercules come down here.
Hercules: K!
Hercules comes downstairs.
Hercules: Sorry I couldn’t help that much..
Stryke: No problem, I rule anyway.
Hercules: Gamezfreak is helping me out anyway. He’s going to get some stuff.
Stryke: Ok no problem.
Hercules: Where are we going to go now?
Stryke: We need to go to the Supreme Court to try and convince those politicians that
we have to lead an assault on Darth MoJo and his minions.
Hercules: Sounds good. Gamezfreak get the apparatus and meet us outside okay?
Gamezfreak: Whatever.
Later... at the Supreme Court
Stryke and Hercules have entered the Supreme Court. They sign some documents saying that their safety is nothing to do with the Supreme Court; they board a hover platform and enter the room. All the politicians are playing virtual chess and other games.
Your Honour: Hello guy with ugly face what can the Supreme Court do for you?
Stryke: Me and my companion Hercules are concerned about the threat of the Darth
MoJo and we believe that this government is underestimating him. If you allow him
to continue blowing up planets it is only a matter of time before he blows this one up.
Your Honour: I’m sorry but we remain neutral on that affair.
Ant: But sir, the man has a point…
Your Honour: We REMAIN NEUTRAL. N, E, errr… A, err T, errr no it’s N, E, W,
T, er.. mm. It doesn’t matter how it’s spelt but when I say neutral I mean NEUTRAL!
Ant: Sigh. I understand sir.
Your Honour: Ugly boy are you a politician?
Stryke: No sir, I am a Jedi. One of the last…
Your Honour: I didn’t think you were. You are way too ugly.
Stryke: As I was saying. I’m one of the last remaining Jedi in the world and I helped
defeat the Count Snuggly only a year ago.
Your Honour: No need to brag boy… and who’s your companion?
Stryke: This is Hercules, and together we aim to bring down MoJo, but we cannot do
it along. We need an army. An army to crush him. He must crush him now, or we will
all perish underneath his might. Surely you can see that?
Your Honour: We remain neutral.
Grix: Sir, please. We’ve been saying this for ages. We must create an army. We must!
Your Honour: Look do you want to keep your job? There are plenty of traditional
neutral politicians in this courtroom.
Grix: Sigh. Yes sir I do.
Female Senator: Sir this is ridiculous, if you are not willing to listen to other people’s
views you are nothing but a dictator.
Your Honour: Senator of Naboo please in short SHUT IT. Now Stryke you have
made your point and your views will be considered. Leave a contact number and we
will contact you for further debate of your topic but right now I’m in the middle of a
game of Battleships!
Stryke: I have to say I’m appalled at the lack of work by this Government. I thought it
was just a figure of speech that politicians just sat on their butts all day but obviously
not.
Your Honour returns to his game. Stryke sighs.
Stryke: Come on Hercules. We have to think of a different strategy.
As they leave the Supreme Court, Stryke is tapped on the back by the Naboo senator.
Senator of Naboo: I must apologise for our Supreme Court leader. I agree with you if
we just sit back we are jeopardising the safety of this planet and all those around it.
I’m…
Stryke: Mystique?
Senator: How… How did you know?
Stryke: You’re a girl. You’re in a spoof, there are no other girls on UKChatforums so
hences it’s got to be you.
Mystique: Mm… I’m sure that breaks the conventional laws of films but hey. I wish
you luck on your quest to get that northern drunkard Darth MoJoJoJo.
Stryke: Thank you Senator Mystique. I’m sure we will meet again.
Mystique: I’m sure we will, we wouldn’t have met and introduced ourselves to one
another if we wouldn’t. That never happens in films.
They leave the Supreme Court, Gamezfreak runs up to the gate where Hercules and Stryke are standing.
Stryke: It’s amazing how quickly things flow in films. I would not have expected such
perfect timing….
Gamezfreak: Right I’ve got this spider, shoved it in this cup and sneaked into the
hospital and maker it radioactive. It now has a healthy glow and should worka fine.
Soon you be big strong Spiderman!!!
Hercules: Cool! I can’t wait to weave webs.
Gamezfreak: Right, Puta your hand in here and lets it bite youza.
Stryke: Er. I’m not sure this is going to work guys…
Hercules: Sure it is!
Hercules thrusts his hand into the cup and pokes the spider. The spider responds by biting him several times on the arm. It draws blood.
Hercules: Ahhhhh!!!! Owwww!! That really hurt! Ahhrg! Owchch. Ahh! I’m losing
blood! Ahhhhhhhrgg!! (Cries like a little girl)
Gamezfreak: Don’t worry soon your have speciala powers.
Hercules: (sucking his wounds) You know, that spider reminds me of one I saw on the
Discovery Channel. Somewhere in the jungle or something.
Gamezfreak: Me took it from a placa called the zoo. Coolza hey.
Hercules: What was the spider’s species? I really can’t remember it’s name.
Gamezfreak: Black Widow.
Hercules: Oh yes! Black Widow spider! Wait a minute.. Black Wid… Those are
poison-
Hercules falls to the floor. Twitches several times then doesn’t move.
Gamezfreak: Whoopsies mesa sorry.
Stryke: MM… I think you killed him.
Gamezfreak: Whoopsies. Me make it better!
Stryke: Don’t be ridiculous he’s dead. Anyway looks like you’ll have to take Hercules
place as my sidekick.
Gamezfreak: Coolza!!
Stryke: Too right. Have you any special powers?
Gamezfreak: Mesa can burp the alphabet.
Stryke: Mm… probably won’t come in handy but you never know.
Next day, the heroes are eating breakfast..
TV: Today the evil Darth MoJoJoJo continued his journey of destruction by blowing
up the planet of Naboo. The attack happened only five minutes ago…. The entire
population has been killed off as anyone with a brain would be able to work out
themselves since the whole planet has been destroyed into oblivion…..
We move to another room and another television set
TV: …….An estimated two billion people lived on Naboo and are now estimated to
all be dead, apart from any holidaymakers, but it is likely those holiday makers got
blown up anyway since that Darth MoJoJoJo is blowing up all the planets he sees…
Anyway the impact is believed would have had the same destruction as a meteorite
five times the planets size.
Kid: Mum, Darth MoJoJoJo just killed Grandma!!
Mum: I know dear. (pauses) But he does write exceedingly good spoofs…
Kid nods.
Back in Strykes home.
Stryke: Darnit. MoJo’s blown up yet another planet! Now what?
Gamezfreak: Mesa have no idea.
Stryke: (muttering) You know I heard Gungans were suppose to be annoying but I
didn’t think this annoying…
Gamezfreak: Sorry mesa not hear you..
Stryke: Not important..
The phone rings.
Phone: Stryke, we request your presence in the Supreme Court urgently. You may
have heard about the recent destruction of Naboo. It is urgent that you come and
discuss the possibility of an army. We were wrong to remain neutral.
Stryke: Mm… that’s odd. They changed their mind quickly. Lets move.
In the Supreme Court…
Stryke: You called Your Honour. I’m glad you finally saw sense.
Your Honour: Yes, the safety of our planet must be put first before any views this
traditional government has of remaining neutral.
Stryke: Exactly.
Your Honour: That is why; we have given into Darth MoJo’s demands. We have
made a contract…
A hover platform comes into view. A tall figure stands on it, in a dark cloak with helmet. However the characteristic stench of alcohol on the breath and the five rings on the fingers of his right hand tells Stryke the man’s identity.
Stryke: Darth MoJoJoJo….
Your Honour: We have agreed to hand you over and the sixth ring you have in your
possession for the safety of this planet. Darth MoJoJoJo sir, Lord of the world he’s all
yours.
MoJoJoJo: Thank you Your Honour. Ha ha ha.
Stryke: No!!
Stryke leaps from the platform into midair in a dive towards Darth MoJoJoJo. He hits
the platform and swings his lightsabre. MoJoJoJo blocks with his.
Senator Mystique: Stryke watch out!
Monsoontroopers enter the room on hoverbikes. They fire lasers repeatedly at Stryke. Stryke dives to the floor. MoJo jumps backwards doing a flip and lands on the platform behind.
Stryke jumps up and rebounds several laser bolts. They reach the Monsoontroopers who fired them knocking them of their hover bikes and sending them hurtling down below.
MoJoJoJo: You always were stubborn. Give me the ring boy… brother.
Stryke: No! Never!
MoJoJoJo: I can spare your life in exchange for the ring. The ring that will make me
an unstoppable force!
Stryke leaps for MoJoJoJo’s platform. He then finds himself suspended in mid air.
Darth MoJoJoJo holds him aloft.
MoJoJoJo: It doesn’t have to end like this. Your life is now in my control. The ring or
your life. Or both, I can do either. Let me have the ring and there will be a place
beside me. Stryke throws his lightsabre at MoJoJoJo, it hurtles towards him.
MoJoJoJo jumps to one side releasing Stryke from his grip who begins to hurtle
downwards.
Stryke hits a platform below.
Stryke: Erg.
He reaches out to retrieve his lightsabre. It doesn’t return to him.
Mystique: It’s okay! I’m getting you out of here!
MoJoJoJo: Fool!
Darth MoJoJoJo appears, he now holds Strykes lightsabre in his other hand.
MoJo: I have become more powerful than I could ever have imagined! Men take him
away and freeze him in carbon…
Monsoontroopers: Sir that has been done before. Maybe something more original like
iron or silicon would be better?
MoJo: Mmm…
MoJo lifts the storm trooper up in the air.
MoJo: I’m the director not you.
He throws him off the platform and he plummets downwards.
MoJo: Phillip, start the ship and set course for the Death Triangle you managed to spectacularly build in two days with the hell from the many slaves we have aquired..
Phillip: As you wish sir.
The monsoontroopers gather around Stryke, they taser him.
Stryke: Ahh..
Phillip: Wait a minute? Are these the only lines I get to say in this spoof? Can’t I have
a bigger part?
MoJo turns and extends his arm. Suddenly Phillip is reaching for his neck and is gasping for breath.
MoJo: Don’t talk while I’m trying to look all-powerful. It’s an insult!
Phillip: (gasping) Sorry sir!
MoJo: Of course you are.
MoJo releases Phillip.
MoJo: Now get in the Windows Millennium Falcon and take us to the Death Triangle.
You will get more lines there.
Phillip: Will I die? I always die.
MoJo: How the heck should I know, it hasn’t been written yet! Now get in the
blooming spaceship!
Phillip nods.
MoJo: Now where was I? (Looks at Monsoontrooper) Take the girl and Stryke’s
annoying Gungan friend.
Gamezfreak: Me not annoying mez the cousin of Jar Jar Binks Gamezfreak.
MoJo: Shut up.
Gamezfreak is tasered as is Mystique.
MoJo: Taser that Gungan some more. It’s actually quite comical seeing it.
Gamezfreak is tasered again.
Gamezfreak: Meh ah urgg…
It goes black. A Monsoontrooper hands MoJo the ring he has prised off the finger of Stryke. MoJo pushes it on to his finger.
MoJo: Mm… this finger is too fat.
Monsoontroopers: Sir, try your little finger, not many rings fit on thumbs.
MoJo places it on his little finger. As he does, his arm hardens.
MoJo: My transformation to the dark side is now complete…..
A high street. Taxis whiz through the air above. It is raining quite heavily. A man
surrounded by a ball of energy walks along, raindrops bouncing off his “energy
shell”. He walks over to a bank, and opens the door. The energy ball flashes then
disappears as he walks into the bank. He removes his hood on his cloak and looks up
at the glass roof. Hovertaxis, and hovercars whiz above. He walks over to the bank
counter.
Bank Employee: Ahh Mr. Stryke, how are you these days?
Stryke: As good as can be I suppose.
Bank Employee: Money to check in?
Stryke: Yeh 50 zizaaaaxuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuusususu.
Bank Employee: I think you mean 50 zizaaaaxuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuusususuZASUS.
Stryke: Whatever, this currency sucks. Why did we have to join a galaxy currency?
Those aliens on the planet Razooausaazasusu have the most odd language ever.
Bank Guy: Okay, let me have those, and sign here… here and here.
He hands Stryke a piece of paper. He starts to fill in the form using his finger. He sticks it on to the wall and moves his eye level with a box entitled “retina scan”. There
is a flash and a message “stored” appears on the box. He moves it back on to the surface and scans it for mistakes with his finger, a big smudge is created.
Stryke: Ahhh I’ve really got to get the hang of this penfinger technology.
Bank Employee: Take’s getting used to it does…
Lightning flashes above. Stryke who is rubbing it out with his tongue stops. He lets go of the paper and steps back.
Bank Employee: Something wrong?
Stryke: Get down!
The glass ceiling suddenly shatters. Stryke leaps on to the floor and slides along the polished surface. As he does so a space coach smashes into the ground, sending debris in every directions. As he slides he pulls out a familiar object from his belt, a lightsabre and knocks back the debris. He continues to slide until he gets to a moving conveyer belt that apparently leads to the vault, employees only. He hits the employees only door.
Computer voice: “ACCESS DENIED! BANK ROBBERY IN PROCESS!”
An electronic hand comes flying out of the door and grabs hold of Stryke’s arm. It hauls him up. Stryke swings his lightsabre at the hand cutting it off.
Computer voice: “OWCH”
Stryke leaps up and runs. He turns the corner back into the transaction room. Dozens of armoured men have climbed out of the spacecoach. One is slowly climbing out on fire.
Stryke: Monsoontroopers!
Stryke jumps into the air and glides. He glides into a monsoontrooper knocking him to the ground. He runs up the wall and does a backwards somersault collapsing on to a monsoontrooper breaking his fall (and in turn his own back). A monsoontrooper pulls out a laser gun. He shoots several times. Stryke leans back, as laser bolts fly over his shoulders. He weaves in and out of them as the camera spans around him. He then falls on to the floor.
Stryke: Arg me back.
He jumps up and throws his lightsabre it flies straight into one of the monsoontroopers. He leaps into the air, and goes into a flying kick knocking another against the side of the spacecoach. The sabre meanwhile takes the head of another monsoontrooper clean off and the sabre returns like a boomerang into Stryke’s extended hand.
Monsoontrooper: Lets go!
Monsoontrooper 2: The objective!
Monsoontrooper: Objective my ar=
The monsoontrooper gets shot in the head with a discarded lasergun that Stryke has picked up.
Monsoontrooper 2: Arg just me to sort this out now!
The monsoontrooper starts firing lasers at Stryke. Stryke fires back. Both of them weave in and out of the lasers bolts. They leap into the air firing. They collide and touch hands. Laserbolts fly over each of their shoulders. They both collapse to the ground next to each other with laserguns pointed to each other’s heads. There is a tense moment of silence as they have their guns at each other’s heads
Monsoontrooper 2: Your out of laser bolts…
Stryke: Am I?
Stryke fires into the air.
Monsoontrooper: Oh damn.
There is the shriek and a bird falls to the floor.
Stryke: Mm… I think that’s an endangered species. Whoops.
The monsoontrooper tries to stand up. Stryke pushes him down.
Stryke: Who sent you?
Monsoontrooper: I am fluent in over 50 languages. (He then makes a beeping down like R2D2).
Stryke: I said who sent you.
Monsoontrooper: Please don’t kill me.
Stryke: Who. Sent. You?
Monsoontrooper: The great Darth MoJoJoJo you dumby. Who else? We work for
him.
Stryke: Why?
Monsoontrooper: A ring…
Stryke: I see… oh damnit!
Stryke then executes the remaining Monsoontrooper. The bank employee starts to rise from behind the counter, as several police officers run in.
Bank employee: I’ve never seen someone move so fast…
Stryke: What about Sonic the hedgehog?
Bank Employee: Oh yes, forgot about him.
Police officer: Monsoontroopers. On our planet. WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
He panics and runs out of the door, only to get hit by a hover-car.
Police officer 2: You managed to take all these monsoontroopers on by yourself?
Stryke: Yeh, I’m a Jedi…
(Star wars music begins to play)
Stryke: Here comes the scrolling text that does my eyes in because I’m a slow reader
and have to squint really hard to see the text when it goes too far in the distance...
A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY,
A ONCE PEACEFUL UNIVERSE NOW LAY DISTRAUGHT AS A DRUNKARD
NORTHERNER SPILT HIS HATE INTO THE ENTIRE PLACE,
HIS NAME THE DARTH MOJOJOJO
HE HAD TAKEN HIS PLACE AS THE MOST EVIL PERSON EVER,
EVEN MORE EVIL THEN SOMEONE THRUSTING A HEDGEHOG UP YOUR
BOTTOM,
WITH THE JEDI NOW A MUCH WEAKER FORCE IN A LAND WHERE
LIGHTSABRING IS NOW MERELY A HOBBY LIKE FENCING WAS MANY
YEARS BEFORE, THE GALAXY COULD NOT DO MUCH MORE THAN IT
CURRENTLY WAS TO RESIST THE DARK SIDE,
ONLY ONE PLANET IN THE GALAXY REMAINED A FORCE THAT COULD
RECKON WITH THE DARK SIDE,
A NEUTRAL PLANET CURRENTLY FREE IN THIS REGIME AND HOME TO
MANY ASYLUM SEEKERS,
STAR WARS EPISODE 8: ATTACK OF THE MOJO
We see a massive courtroom with suspended platforms hovering above the ground. A man with lots of facial hair and glasses stands up.
Facial hair man: But Your Honour! We cannot just stand by and watch our galaxy be
destroyed before our eyes! This Darth MoJoJoJo is destroying our peaceful
neighbourhood, yet we just sit back and everytime another planet begs us to intervene
we keep saying “We remain neutral”. Surely we must do something?
Your Honour sits on a large chair; on either side he has two posh men with big heads. Your Honour wears a long cloak and looks superior to everyone else.
Your Honour: I refuse to answer that question for we must remain neutral.
Another platform whizzes around.
Another man from another platform: Your Honour! I’m from the land of the poodles
who suck up to the land of the superpower and I think we should go ==
The platform collides with the facial hair mans platform. They both tilt to the side and then collapse. They plummet from their hovering position downwards. Screams can be heard as they fall.
Your Honour: Not again! Those platform suppliers came from another galaxy and
promised me they had checked their hover tracks for any problems. What were their
names again?
Big head on left: Railtrack I believe sir. They came from the Milky Way Galaxy
saying they had lots of experience.
Your Honour: Mm.. Ant please contact them immediately.
Big head 2: But sir, I know this is the 69302nd century and all that and in this day and
age everything has to look futuristic as depicted in films, but surely it makes no sense
whatsoever to have speakers on hover platforms. What was wrong with the old system
where we all sat on seats and speakers stood in the middle?
Your Honour: Mr. Thraves… who’s the Supreme Chancellor of the Law here?
Grix Thraves: Well you.
Your Honour: Exactly…
Grix Thraves: But Your Honour we’ve lost fifty politicians so far with these new
platforms…
Your Honour: Fifty. Pfft, it’s exaggeration. You know what politicians are like,
bending data. Anyway, none of the young people were interested in the old version of
this politics. Nowadays, this new look parliament has boosted numbers of new
professionals in this career. We have handsome people in here for example that don’t
look like garden gnomes! Remember that William Hague from the Milky Way
Galaxy? Oh how we laughed. Now politicians look attractive. Me for example! I’m
fit!
Grix coughs.
Your Honour: Free booze, and clubbing at night makes this the greatest career in the
world.
Ant (muttering): I just wish he’d listen to people’s views rather than always remaining
blooming neutral…
Meanwhile….
Darth MoJo is sitting on a desk. On his left is Satan and on his right Saddam Hussein Jnr Jnr (*25). A nervous teenager stands in front of the desk.
Teenager: Um my um evil plot would be to be er to um to steal a nuclear weapon
from um The Planet of the Evil Dictactors and um use it on them. Here’s my um
Prototypes.
He hands a folder to Saddam Hussein Jnr Jnr how has a casual flick through and passes it to Darth MoJo. Darth MoJo shakes his head and passes it to Satan.
Darth MoJo: How would you rate your evil plan honestly…
Teenager: Um er 9 out of er 10?
Darth MoJo: Try ONE. To be honest, your plan is rubbish. It’s unoriginal, bland and=
Satan: It’s simply just not evil enough. You’re never going to make it as an evil
schemer.
Teenager looks to the floor.
Darth MoJo: Too be honest you are the least evil person we’ve seen today. You’re
just a sad lonely geek with no friends who thinks being evil is his way out of his
living hell.
Satan and Saddam Jnr Jnr nod. Teenager bursts out of the room in tears.
Satan: Nexxxt.
A slightly older person in his early twenties walks in.
Satan: Hello….. Phillip Lets see what you’ve got then.
Phillip: Right. I propose a triangular space station is built. It will be able to travel at
1 light year an hour at it’s fastest speed and can be fitted with a massive laser of mass
destruction that can be fired at the press of a button and destroy a whole single planet.
Satan: Bit clichéd don’t you think? I think it is. To be honest I don’t think this is the
evil plot we are looking for.
Darth MoJo: No it is. It does seem a bit clichéd I agree with you, but our planet IS
after all really old now, everythings clichéd.
Satan: There is still room for originality.
Darth MoJo: Satan, these are my interviews, you are just a judge and I think we
should bring him back for auditions.
Satan: Saddam… do you have a view on this.
Saddam: NUKE THE US!
Darth MoJo: MM… not really the view we need. No boy, come back tomorrow, you
have good ideas.
Phillip: Yeh! Cool!
Satan: Neeeeext.
Man walks in.
Satan: Oh hello Mr… er Darius. What are you going to do for us today.
Darius: I’d like to sing Britney Spears Hit me Baby one more time…
Back outside the bank…
Stryke gets into his Mini. Strykes Mini launches into the sky, and joins the traffic in the air. Stryke admires the traffic.
Stryke: I always wonder how people can join lanes above them without crashing.
Above me is a total blind spot. It just doesn’t seem safe to me. Lemme see if I can
join the top lane.
Stryke’s thrusters below his car go into action and he is propelled upwards. A few cars beep their horns as Stryke struggles to check his blind spots and see where he’s going.
Stryke: Driving was so much easier when we just used the ground…
Stryke hits a lamppost.
It’s late at night Stryke has got a lift home from his insurance company, they have
taken his car in to be fixed.
Insurance man: You know, I’ve never known someone to be as clumsy as you are.
That’s the fifteenth lamppost you’ve driven into! Unbelievable. Sorry to say this but
you’re insurance is way too cheap, we’re going to treble it.
Stryke: But I took the Pass Plus scheme! You can’t do this!
Insurance Man: Look matey. Why do you think you took three goes to pass the Pass
Plus scheme? The driving instructors are only out for one thing – MONEY! And if
you keep failing it’s more money to retake it. Same goes with those Driving Standards
Agencies Examiners. They make up the blooming major errors to make you fail and
retake!!
Stryke: Mm.. I guess.
Insurance Man: So your Pass Plus is worthless and we’re trebling your insurance.
Sign here…
The insurance man leaves. Stryke goes up to his phone that is making annoying sounds.
Telephone: You’ve got a message! You’ve got a message! You’ve got a message!
You’ve got a message!
Stryke: Damn the world was so much better when AOL didn’t make phones…
Stryke reads his message.
Voice: You have one new message.
Message: Hello this is your local hospital. We have someone called Hercules who has
just regained his memory. He was in an unfortunate accident last year, he got his head
impaled on a lightsabre. We’re escorting him home with his minder Gamezfreak. He
should be there in a minute.
The door swings open, Hercules runs in.
Stryke: Hercules?!
Hercules: Stryke!!
They run towards each other in slow motion. Joy in their faces. Stryke misses Hercules open arms and falls head first into the wall in front knocking himself out cold.
Hercules: Still the way I remember you….
Later..
Stryke wakes.
Stryke: Hercules. I thought you were dead!
Hercules: I nearly was! Someone forgot to call an ambulance silly!
Stryke: I suppose you’ve heard about MoJo…
Hercules: Yeh shame that him being evil and everything. So hows the lightsabre thing
going?
Stryke: Yeh cool, I took out some monsoontroopers today. They are after the one ring
MoJo left behind. The one in my possession.
Hercules: Rings? Oh I remember. How did he get all five? I’m confused
.
Stryke: Don’t worry, I’ll show you the film version later when it’s made “The Life
Story of Stryke”. Basically, he’s got five of the six. He’s evil and he wants to be
much more evil by getting the ring from me and thus having six.
Hercules: I see.
Stryke: He sent Monsoontroopers to steal it off me earlier.
Hercules: I see.
Gamezfreak: Can mesa use your toilet?
Hercule: Sure.
Gamezfreak leaves.
Stryke: I really didn’t notice him there. A Gungan right?
Hercules: Yep a Gungan. He’s my helper. He’s cool. He helps me out a lot. Anyway,
you got a spare lightsabre? They chucked mine away after surgically removing it from
my face.
Stryke: Nope. I have one. MoJo has one. No other ones. Here’s a plastic merchandise
one, I found it in granddads memorabilia collection.
Hercules takes it and moves it around.
Hercules: Hmm.. it’s not the same but I suppose it will do.
Stryke: If I’m correct MoJo will think of attacking our house next. That’s if he’s not
too busy blowing up planets. I expect he will send his men to do his dirty work rather
than do it himself. He always was rather lazy.
Hercules: So we don’t have much time.
Stryke: No probably hardly any at all. In fact I reckon we will get attacked, right….
The door is broken down.
Stryke: NOW.
Stryke draws his lightsabre and reflects the gunfire of several Monsoontroopers.
Hercules: Ahh!
Hercules runs up to one of them and hits a Monsoontroopers stomach with his plastic lightsabre. Hercules presses the buttons on the sides to make it make “authentic star wars noises”. The Monsoontrooper stops and stares at him as if he’s strange.
Hercules: Heheh. Nice robot….
The Monsoontrooper extends his arm pointing his lasergun at Hercules. Hercules closes his eyes. Suddenly the gun drops from his hand, and a decapitated Monsoontrooper falls to the ground. Stryke pulls Hercules up.
Stryke: Hercules run upstairs!
Hercules: Ok!
Hercules runs. Gamezfreak comes out of the bathroom.
Gamezfreak: What the?
Hercules: Run upstairs NOW!
Gamezfreak: Mesa Going..
They both run upstairs as Stryke does battle in the hall.
Upstairs in the attic….
Hercules: It’s so unfair. Stryke gets to look cool yet I don’t have a cool weapon. I
wish I was leading role material.
Gamezfreak: Don’t worry Hercules! Me make you look even cooler than Stryke!
Mehave a plan!
Hercules: You do?
Gamezfreak: Yep. Hercules, me saw this film and guy got bitten by this radioactive
spider and gained spider powers, he spin webs and super strong and stuff. Me thought
weza could do that to you!
Hercules: Cool, that’s a good idea. I think I saw that film. Spiderman weren’t it?
Gamezfreak: Yep. Right mesa will go off and get apparatus so wesa can make yousa
Spiderman and look coolsa!
Gamezfreak starts walking.
Hercules: Hey I’d wait if I were you. Stryke’s still killing people remember.
Gamezfreak: Oh yeh. I forgot.
Hercules: And we’re probably leaving soon. It’s dangerous staying here.
Downstairs…
Stryke decapitates the last Monsoontrooper.
Stryke: I rule.
Stryke (calling upstairs): Hercules come down here.
Hercules: K!
Hercules comes downstairs.
Hercules: Sorry I couldn’t help that much..
Stryke: No problem, I rule anyway.
Hercules: Gamezfreak is helping me out anyway. He’s going to get some stuff.
Stryke: Ok no problem.
Hercules: Where are we going to go now?
Stryke: We need to go to the Supreme Court to try and convince those politicians that
we have to lead an assault on Darth MoJo and his minions.
Hercules: Sounds good. Gamezfreak get the apparatus and meet us outside okay?
Gamezfreak: Whatever.
Later... at the Supreme Court
Stryke and Hercules have entered the Supreme Court. They sign some documents saying that their safety is nothing to do with the Supreme Court; they board a hover platform and enter the room. All the politicians are playing virtual chess and other games.
Your Honour: Hello guy with ugly face what can the Supreme Court do for you?
Stryke: Me and my companion Hercules are concerned about the threat of the Darth
MoJo and we believe that this government is underestimating him. If you allow him
to continue blowing up planets it is only a matter of time before he blows this one up.
Your Honour: I’m sorry but we remain neutral on that affair.
Ant: But sir, the man has a point…
Your Honour: We REMAIN NEUTRAL. N, E, errr… A, err T, errr no it’s N, E, W,
T, er.. mm. It doesn’t matter how it’s spelt but when I say neutral I mean NEUTRAL!
Ant: Sigh. I understand sir.
Your Honour: Ugly boy are you a politician?
Stryke: No sir, I am a Jedi. One of the last…
Your Honour: I didn’t think you were. You are way too ugly.
Stryke: As I was saying. I’m one of the last remaining Jedi in the world and I helped
defeat the Count Snuggly only a year ago.
Your Honour: No need to brag boy… and who’s your companion?
Stryke: This is Hercules, and together we aim to bring down MoJo, but we cannot do
it along. We need an army. An army to crush him. He must crush him now, or we will
all perish underneath his might. Surely you can see that?
Your Honour: We remain neutral.
Grix: Sir, please. We’ve been saying this for ages. We must create an army. We must!
Your Honour: Look do you want to keep your job? There are plenty of traditional
neutral politicians in this courtroom.
Grix: Sigh. Yes sir I do.
Female Senator: Sir this is ridiculous, if you are not willing to listen to other people’s
views you are nothing but a dictator.
Your Honour: Senator of Naboo please in short SHUT IT. Now Stryke you have
made your point and your views will be considered. Leave a contact number and we
will contact you for further debate of your topic but right now I’m in the middle of a
game of Battleships!
Stryke: I have to say I’m appalled at the lack of work by this Government. I thought it
was just a figure of speech that politicians just sat on their butts all day but obviously
not.
Your Honour returns to his game. Stryke sighs.
Stryke: Come on Hercules. We have to think of a different strategy.
As they leave the Supreme Court, Stryke is tapped on the back by the Naboo senator.
Senator of Naboo: I must apologise for our Supreme Court leader. I agree with you if
we just sit back we are jeopardising the safety of this planet and all those around it.
I’m…
Stryke: Mystique?
Senator: How… How did you know?
Stryke: You’re a girl. You’re in a spoof, there are no other girls on UKChatforums so
hences it’s got to be you.
Mystique: Mm… I’m sure that breaks the conventional laws of films but hey. I wish
you luck on your quest to get that northern drunkard Darth MoJoJoJo.
Stryke: Thank you Senator Mystique. I’m sure we will meet again.
Mystique: I’m sure we will, we wouldn’t have met and introduced ourselves to one
another if we wouldn’t. That never happens in films.
They leave the Supreme Court, Gamezfreak runs up to the gate where Hercules and Stryke are standing.
Stryke: It’s amazing how quickly things flow in films. I would not have expected such
perfect timing….
Gamezfreak: Right I’ve got this spider, shoved it in this cup and sneaked into the
hospital and maker it radioactive. It now has a healthy glow and should worka fine.
Soon you be big strong Spiderman!!!
Hercules: Cool! I can’t wait to weave webs.
Gamezfreak: Right, Puta your hand in here and lets it bite youza.
Stryke: Er. I’m not sure this is going to work guys…
Hercules: Sure it is!
Hercules thrusts his hand into the cup and pokes the spider. The spider responds by biting him several times on the arm. It draws blood.
Hercules: Ahhhhh!!!! Owwww!! That really hurt! Ahhrg! Owchch. Ahh! I’m losing
blood! Ahhhhhhhrgg!! (Cries like a little girl)
Gamezfreak: Don’t worry soon your have speciala powers.
Hercules: (sucking his wounds) You know, that spider reminds me of one I saw on the
Discovery Channel. Somewhere in the jungle or something.
Gamezfreak: Me took it from a placa called the zoo. Coolza hey.
Hercules: What was the spider’s species? I really can’t remember it’s name.
Gamezfreak: Black Widow.
Hercules: Oh yes! Black Widow spider! Wait a minute.. Black Wid… Those are
poison-
Hercules falls to the floor. Twitches several times then doesn’t move.
Gamezfreak: Whoopsies mesa sorry.
Stryke: MM… I think you killed him.
Gamezfreak: Whoopsies. Me make it better!
Stryke: Don’t be ridiculous he’s dead. Anyway looks like you’ll have to take Hercules
place as my sidekick.
Gamezfreak: Coolza!!
Stryke: Too right. Have you any special powers?
Gamezfreak: Mesa can burp the alphabet.
Stryke: Mm… probably won’t come in handy but you never know.
Next day, the heroes are eating breakfast..
TV: Today the evil Darth MoJoJoJo continued his journey of destruction by blowing
up the planet of Naboo. The attack happened only five minutes ago…. The entire
population has been killed off as anyone with a brain would be able to work out
themselves since the whole planet has been destroyed into oblivion…..
We move to another room and another television set
TV: …….An estimated two billion people lived on Naboo and are now estimated to
all be dead, apart from any holidaymakers, but it is likely those holiday makers got
blown up anyway since that Darth MoJoJoJo is blowing up all the planets he sees…
Anyway the impact is believed would have had the same destruction as a meteorite
five times the planets size.
Kid: Mum, Darth MoJoJoJo just killed Grandma!!
Mum: I know dear. (pauses) But he does write exceedingly good spoofs…
Kid nods.
Back in Strykes home.
Stryke: Darnit. MoJo’s blown up yet another planet! Now what?
Gamezfreak: Mesa have no idea.
Stryke: (muttering) You know I heard Gungans were suppose to be annoying but I
didn’t think this annoying…
Gamezfreak: Sorry mesa not hear you..
Stryke: Not important..
The phone rings.
Phone: Stryke, we request your presence in the Supreme Court urgently. You may
have heard about the recent destruction of Naboo. It is urgent that you come and
discuss the possibility of an army. We were wrong to remain neutral.
Stryke: Mm… that’s odd. They changed their mind quickly. Lets move.
In the Supreme Court…
Stryke: You called Your Honour. I’m glad you finally saw sense.
Your Honour: Yes, the safety of our planet must be put first before any views this
traditional government has of remaining neutral.
Stryke: Exactly.
Your Honour: That is why; we have given into Darth MoJo’s demands. We have
made a contract…
A hover platform comes into view. A tall figure stands on it, in a dark cloak with helmet. However the characteristic stench of alcohol on the breath and the five rings on the fingers of his right hand tells Stryke the man’s identity.
Stryke: Darth MoJoJoJo….
Your Honour: We have agreed to hand you over and the sixth ring you have in your
possession for the safety of this planet. Darth MoJoJoJo sir, Lord of the world he’s all
yours.
MoJoJoJo: Thank you Your Honour. Ha ha ha.
Stryke: No!!
Stryke leaps from the platform into midair in a dive towards Darth MoJoJoJo. He hits
the platform and swings his lightsabre. MoJoJoJo blocks with his.
Senator Mystique: Stryke watch out!
Monsoontroopers enter the room on hoverbikes. They fire lasers repeatedly at Stryke. Stryke dives to the floor. MoJo jumps backwards doing a flip and lands on the platform behind.
Stryke jumps up and rebounds several laser bolts. They reach the Monsoontroopers who fired them knocking them of their hover bikes and sending them hurtling down below.
MoJoJoJo: You always were stubborn. Give me the ring boy… brother.
Stryke: No! Never!
MoJoJoJo: I can spare your life in exchange for the ring. The ring that will make me
an unstoppable force!
Stryke leaps for MoJoJoJo’s platform. He then finds himself suspended in mid air.
Darth MoJoJoJo holds him aloft.
MoJoJoJo: It doesn’t have to end like this. Your life is now in my control. The ring or
your life. Or both, I can do either. Let me have the ring and there will be a place
beside me. Stryke throws his lightsabre at MoJoJoJo, it hurtles towards him.
MoJoJoJo jumps to one side releasing Stryke from his grip who begins to hurtle
downwards.
Stryke hits a platform below.
Stryke: Erg.
He reaches out to retrieve his lightsabre. It doesn’t return to him.
Mystique: It’s okay! I’m getting you out of here!
MoJoJoJo: Fool!
Darth MoJoJoJo appears, he now holds Strykes lightsabre in his other hand.
MoJo: I have become more powerful than I could ever have imagined! Men take him
away and freeze him in carbon…
Monsoontroopers: Sir that has been done before. Maybe something more original like
iron or silicon would be better?
MoJo: Mmm…
MoJo lifts the storm trooper up in the air.
MoJo: I’m the director not you.
He throws him off the platform and he plummets downwards.
MoJo: Phillip, start the ship and set course for the Death Triangle you managed to spectacularly build in two days with the hell from the many slaves we have aquired..
Phillip: As you wish sir.
The monsoontroopers gather around Stryke, they taser him.
Stryke: Ahh..
Phillip: Wait a minute? Are these the only lines I get to say in this spoof? Can’t I have
a bigger part?
MoJo turns and extends his arm. Suddenly Phillip is reaching for his neck and is gasping for breath.
MoJo: Don’t talk while I’m trying to look all-powerful. It’s an insult!
Phillip: (gasping) Sorry sir!
MoJo: Of course you are.
MoJo releases Phillip.
MoJo: Now get in the Windows Millennium Falcon and take us to the Death Triangle.
You will get more lines there.
Phillip: Will I die? I always die.
MoJo: How the heck should I know, it hasn’t been written yet! Now get in the
blooming spaceship!
Phillip nods.
MoJo: Now where was I? (Looks at Monsoontrooper) Take the girl and Stryke’s
annoying Gungan friend.
Gamezfreak: Me not annoying mez the cousin of Jar Jar Binks Gamezfreak.
MoJo: Shut up.
Gamezfreak is tasered as is Mystique.
MoJo: Taser that Gungan some more. It’s actually quite comical seeing it.
Gamezfreak is tasered again.
Gamezfreak: Meh ah urgg…
It goes black. A Monsoontrooper hands MoJo the ring he has prised off the finger of Stryke. MoJo pushes it on to his finger.
MoJo: Mm… this finger is too fat.
Monsoontroopers: Sir, try your little finger, not many rings fit on thumbs.
MoJo places it on his little finger. As he does, his arm hardens.
MoJo: My transformation to the dark side is now complete…..
Whoops it's "Star Wars Episode EIGHT Attack of the MoJo" not "TWO"
Never mind.
Never mind.
LOL, brilliant!
*hands Rakuga an 'I Am A Genius' T-Shirt*
*hands Rakuga an 'I Am A Genius' T-Shirt*
Heh,good post.
Rah! I'm in it!