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The Secret Diary Of Jamie Mitchell (Eastenders)
06:55 Woke up to an appalling stench this morning, with a horrible dampness to the sheets... Oh My God, it was a horse's head! Uncle Phil must have been upsetting some heavy characters, I thought. But as I wiped the sleepy-dust from my eyes, I realised it was just Sonya. Damn, I'm still going out with Sonya, and she's really really nasty looking and weird. Every day I try and summon the courage to dump her, but if I do, then she'll pull her sad, upset face. And that face is so gut-wrenchingly ugly that it makes me want to spew my anus through my mouth and nostrils at the same time.
07:30 Tucked into a nice fry-up courtesy of Dot, but there was a pube in the yolk of my egg, and Jim farted when he was looking in the fridge for a pickled grapefruit. I thought I'd make a sharp exit, besides, I could hear the thunderous stomps of Sonya getting out of bed upstairs... and I didn't want to be late for my hectic tea-drinking schedule.
07:45 Drank tea in the caff for half an hour, called Janine a pink-oboe-busker, squirted ketchup down the back of Ian Beale's shirt and scored a henry of moroccan off Asif. Then I went into the kitchen to put some more hot grease in my hair. Then Phil came in and said some slightly glib remarks. Then I went to the garage.
11:00 Lay under a blue Ford Cortina for 45 minutes. I really couldn't see what the problem was. I don't think I'm really getting the hang of this mechanic thing. For a start I don't have any relevant qualifications whatsoever... I'm not even a trained actor.
11:45 I looked in the big car book, but I still couldn't read. So, I decided to put an illegally imported Norwegian jungle monkey into the bonnet of the Cortina. Maybe that will work if I leave it for a while.
12:30 Drank some tea then went to the Vic. Got to the Vic and asked for a pint of tea. Then I remembered Peggy didn't do tea on draught, and they only had expensive bottled teas. So I settled for a tall glass of Cinzano and a packet of Tandoori-Cheese-Fondue flavoured crisps. While everybody from the Square was in the Vic I decided to take advantage of the empty streets. I stole a pumpkin from Mark's stall and nabbed a copy of Razzle from Night'N'Day.
14:39 Drank tea back in the garage. Checked on the monkey in the Cortina, it didn't seem to have made things worse. Applied the monkey-technique to the other cars in the garage. Drank tea. Ate the pumpkin raw, it was horrible, so I drank more tea to take the taste away.
15:00-17:00 Spent a couple of hours spraying like a fire engine due to excessive tea consumption.
17:05 Went to the Vic to get as tanked up as possible. That might help me block out the horrific reality of my life. If I drink enough cider, sometimes I can even look at Sonya without wanting to wash my eyes with bleach and sandpaper straight after. Ordered 'a pint' at the bar, fourteen times, I don't know what Sam was giving me, but it worked. I reminded Sam that she was the fittest looking female on the square. She reminded me that she was my aunt. I reminded her that it was Albert Square, and that sort of thing was the norm. She reminded me that I had luke warm grease in my hair and that I smelt of illegally imported jungle monkeys. It was a good point, well made.
19:30 Hurried home to watch Emmerdale. Was so drunk that I watched the whole thing without remembering to turn the TV on.
22:10 Awoke to Sonya straddling me, giving me an amateurish stomach-pump. I vommed in her face. It kind of suited her. But now I was sober again, and I knew Sonya was in the mood for making sproglets. I hurried out as she started unscrewing the big jar of frog spawn, and went to hide under the stairs.
23:50 Got bored in the understair cupboard. Thermos of tea was empty. Tried to make tea with household products found in understair cupboard. Refilled thermos. Drank 'house' tea. My mouth fizzed and I accidentally swallowed my tonsils. Washed them down with more tea. Wrote this diary.
06:55 Woke up to an appalling stench this morning, with a horrible dampness to the sheets... Oh My God, it was a horse's head! Uncle Phil must have been upsetting some heavy characters, I thought. But as I wiped the sleepy-dust from my eyes, I realised it was just Sonya. Damn, I'm still going out with Sonya, and she's really really nasty looking and weird. Every day I try and summon the courage to dump her, but if I do, then she'll pull her sad, upset face. And that face is so gut-wrenchingly ugly that it makes me want to spew my anus through my mouth and nostrils at the same time.
07:30 Tucked into a nice fry-up courtesy of Dot, but there was a pube in the yolk of my egg, and Jim farted when he was looking in the fridge for a pickled grapefruit. I thought I'd make a sharp exit, besides, I could hear the thunderous stomps of Sonya getting out of bed upstairs... and I didn't want to be late for my hectic tea-drinking schedule.
07:45 Drank tea in the caff for half an hour, called Janine a pink-oboe-busker, squirted ketchup down the back of Ian Beale's shirt and scored a henry of moroccan off Asif. Then I went into the kitchen to put some more hot grease in my hair. Then Phil came in and said some slightly glib remarks. Then I went to the garage.
11:00 Lay under a blue Ford Cortina for 45 minutes. I really couldn't see what the problem was. I don't think I'm really getting the hang of this mechanic thing. For a start I don't have any relevant qualifications whatsoever... I'm not even a trained actor.
11:45 I looked in the big car book, but I still couldn't read. So, I decided to put an illegally imported Norwegian jungle monkey into the bonnet of the Cortina. Maybe that will work if I leave it for a while.
12:30 Drank some tea then went to the Vic. Got to the Vic and asked for a pint of tea. Then I remembered Peggy didn't do tea on draught, and they only had expensive bottled teas. So I settled for a tall glass of Cinzano and a packet of Tandoori-Cheese-Fondue flavoured crisps. While everybody from the Square was in the Vic I decided to take advantage of the empty streets. I stole a pumpkin from Mark's stall and nabbed a copy of Razzle from Night'N'Day.
14:39 Drank tea back in the garage. Checked on the monkey in the Cortina, it didn't seem to have made things worse. Applied the monkey-technique to the other cars in the garage. Drank tea. Ate the pumpkin raw, it was horrible, so I drank more tea to take the taste away.
15:00-17:00 Spent a couple of hours spraying like a fire engine due to excessive tea consumption.
17:05 Went to the Vic to get as tanked up as possible. That might help me block out the horrific reality of my life. If I drink enough cider, sometimes I can even look at Sonya without wanting to wash my eyes with bleach and sandpaper straight after. Ordered 'a pint' at the bar, fourteen times, I don't know what Sam was giving me, but it worked. I reminded Sam that she was the fittest looking female on the square. She reminded me that she was my aunt. I reminded her that it was Albert Square, and that sort of thing was the norm. She reminded me that I had luke warm grease in my hair and that I smelt of illegally imported jungle monkeys. It was a good point, well made.
19:30 Hurried home to watch Emmerdale. Was so drunk that I watched the whole thing without remembering to turn the TV on.
22:10 Awoke to Sonya straddling me, giving me an amateurish stomach-pump. I vommed in her face. It kind of suited her. But now I was sober again, and I knew Sonya was in the mood for making sproglets. I hurried out as she started unscrewing the big jar of frog spawn, and went to hide under the stairs.
23:50 Got bored in the understair cupboard. Thermos of tea was empty. Tried to make tea with household products found in understair cupboard. Refilled thermos. Drank 'house' tea. My mouth fizzed and I accidentally swallowed my tonsils. Washed them down with more tea. Wrote this diary.
The Secret Diary Of Jamie Mitchell (Eastenders)
06:55 Woke up to an appalling stench this morning, with a horrible dampness to the sheets... Oh My God, it was a horse's head! Uncle Phil must have been upsetting some heavy characters, I thought. But as I wiped the sleepy-dust from my eyes, I realised it was just Sonya. Damn, I'm still going out with Sonya, and she's really really nasty looking and weird. Every day I try and summon the courage to dump her, but if I do, then she'll pull her sad, upset face. And that face is so gut-wrenchingly ugly that it makes me want to spew my anus through my mouth and nostrils at the same time.
07:30 Tucked into a nice fry-up courtesy of Dot, but there was a pube in the yolk of my egg, and Jim farted when he was looking in the fridge for a pickled grapefruit. I thought I'd make a sharp exit, besides, I could hear the thunderous stomps of Sonya getting out of bed upstairs... and I didn't want to be late for my hectic tea-drinking schedule.
07:45 Drank tea in the caff for half an hour, called Janine a pink-oboe-busker, squirted ketchup down the back of Ian Beale's shirt and scored a henry of moroccan off Asif. Then I went into the kitchen to put some more hot grease in my hair. Then Phil came in and said some slightly glib remarks. Then I went to the garage.
11:00 Lay under a blue Ford Cortina for 45 minutes. I really couldn't see what the problem was. I don't think I'm really getting the hang of this mechanic thing. For a start I don't have any relevant qualifications whatsoever... I'm not even a trained actor.
11:45 I looked in the big car book, but I still couldn't read. So, I decided to put an illegally imported Norwegian jungle monkey into the bonnet of the Cortina. Maybe that will work if I leave it for a while.
12:30 Drank some tea then went to the Vic. Got to the Vic and asked for a pint of tea. Then I remembered Peggy didn't do tea on draught, and they only had expensive bottled teas. So I settled for a tall glass of Cinzano and a packet of Tandoori-Cheese-Fondue flavoured crisps. While everybody from the Square was in the Vic I decided to take advantage of the empty streets. I stole a pumpkin from Mark's stall and nabbed a copy of Razzle from Night'N'Day.
14:39 Drank tea back in the garage. Checked on the monkey in the Cortina, it didn't seem to have made things worse. Applied the monkey-technique to the other cars in the garage. Drank tea. Ate the pumpkin raw, it was horrible, so I drank more tea to take the taste away.
15:00-17:00 Spent a couple of hours spraying like a fire engine due to excessive tea consumption.
17:05 Went to the Vic to get as tanked up as possible. That might help me block out the horrific reality of my life. If I drink enough cider, sometimes I can even look at Sonya without wanting to wash my eyes with bleach and sandpaper straight after. Ordered 'a pint' at the bar, fourteen times, I don't know what Sam was giving me, but it worked. I reminded Sam that she was the fittest looking female on the square. She reminded me that she was my aunt. I reminded her that it was Albert Square, and that sort of thing was the norm. She reminded me that I had luke warm grease in my hair and that I smelt of illegally imported jungle monkeys. It was a good point, well made.
19:30 Hurried home to watch Emmerdale. Was so drunk that I watched the whole thing without remembering to turn the TV on.
22:10 Awoke to Sonya straddling me, giving me an amateurish stomach-pump. I vommed in her face. It kind of suited her. But now I was sober again, and I knew Sonya was in the mood for making sproglets. I hurried out as she started unscrewing the big jar of frog spawn, and went to hide under the stairs.
23:50 Got bored in the understair cupboard. Thermos of tea was empty. Tried to make tea with household products found in understair cupboard. Refilled thermos. Drank 'house' tea. My mouth fizzed and I accidentally swallowed my tonsils. Washed them down with more tea. Wrote this diary.
06:55 Woke up to an appalling stench this morning, with a horrible dampness to the sheets... Oh My God, it was a horse's head! Uncle Phil must have been upsetting some heavy characters, I thought. But as I wiped the sleepy-dust from my eyes, I realised it was just Sonya. Damn, I'm still going out with Sonya, and she's really really nasty looking and weird. Every day I try and summon the courage to dump her, but if I do, then she'll pull her sad, upset face. And that face is so gut-wrenchingly ugly that it makes me want to spew my anus through my mouth and nostrils at the same time.
07:30 Tucked into a nice fry-up courtesy of Dot, but there was a pube in the yolk of my egg, and Jim farted when he was looking in the fridge for a pickled grapefruit. I thought I'd make a sharp exit, besides, I could hear the thunderous stomps of Sonya getting out of bed upstairs... and I didn't want to be late for my hectic tea-drinking schedule.
07:45 Drank tea in the caff for half an hour, called Janine a pink-oboe-busker, squirted ketchup down the back of Ian Beale's shirt and scored a henry of moroccan off Asif. Then I went into the kitchen to put some more hot grease in my hair. Then Phil came in and said some slightly glib remarks. Then I went to the garage.
11:00 Lay under a blue Ford Cortina for 45 minutes. I really couldn't see what the problem was. I don't think I'm really getting the hang of this mechanic thing. For a start I don't have any relevant qualifications whatsoever... I'm not even a trained actor.
11:45 I looked in the big car book, but I still couldn't read. So, I decided to put an illegally imported Norwegian jungle monkey into the bonnet of the Cortina. Maybe that will work if I leave it for a while.
12:30 Drank some tea then went to the Vic. Got to the Vic and asked for a pint of tea. Then I remembered Peggy didn't do tea on draught, and they only had expensive bottled teas. So I settled for a tall glass of Cinzano and a packet of Tandoori-Cheese-Fondue flavoured crisps. While everybody from the Square was in the Vic I decided to take advantage of the empty streets. I stole a pumpkin from Mark's stall and nabbed a copy of Razzle from Night'N'Day.
14:39 Drank tea back in the garage. Checked on the monkey in the Cortina, it didn't seem to have made things worse. Applied the monkey-technique to the other cars in the garage. Drank tea. Ate the pumpkin raw, it was horrible, so I drank more tea to take the taste away.
15:00-17:00 Spent a couple of hours spraying like a fire engine due to excessive tea consumption.
17:05 Went to the Vic to get as tanked up as possible. That might help me block out the horrific reality of my life. If I drink enough cider, sometimes I can even look at Sonya without wanting to wash my eyes with bleach and sandpaper straight after. Ordered 'a pint' at the bar, fourteen times, I don't know what Sam was giving me, but it worked. I reminded Sam that she was the fittest looking female on the square. She reminded me that she was my aunt. I reminded her that it was Albert Square, and that sort of thing was the norm. She reminded me that I had luke warm grease in my hair and that I smelt of illegally imported jungle monkeys. It was a good point, well made.
19:30 Hurried home to watch Emmerdale. Was so drunk that I watched the whole thing without remembering to turn the TV on.
22:10 Awoke to Sonya straddling me, giving me an amateurish stomach-pump. I vommed in her face. It kind of suited her. But now I was sober again, and I knew Sonya was in the mood for making sproglets. I hurried out as she started unscrewing the big jar of frog spawn, and went to hide under the stairs.
23:50 Got bored in the understair cupboard. Thermos of tea was empty. Tried to make tea with household products found in understair cupboard. Refilled thermos. Drank 'house' tea. My mouth fizzed and I accidentally swallowed my tonsils. Washed them down with more tea. Wrote this diary.
LMAO!
That was brilliant!
That was brilliant!