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I think we all need a laugh now and again so i will post a joke in here every day or two. Tell me what you think of the joke and post one yourself if you like:
Two Hunters
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without
success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.
They got a very authentic female moose costume and
learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull,
then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing,
donned their costume and began to give the moose
love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came
crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front
said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy
in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are
we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start
nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
Two Hunters
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without
success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.
They got a very authentic female moose costume and
learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull,
then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing,
donned their costume and began to give the moose
love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came
crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front
said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy
in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are
we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start
nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
Page:
The vicars test:
A newly-wed couple had moved to a new neighbourhood and were anxious to meet other people, so decided to join their local church. They met up with the reverend, who told them, "We're not interested in having any part-time members in our congregation. Belonging is a big commitment. So in order to test your resolve, I'm going to ask you two to give up sex for 30 days. After all, Jesus used to go into the desert for 40 days at a time, so I don't think this is much to ask. If you pass the test, we'll let you in." So the couple agreed and went home.
They came back 30 days later and the reverend asked, "Well, how did it go?" The husband replied, "For the first few weeks we were okay. But I started getting pretty pent-up in the last half of the month, then the final straw came on the 29th day. My wife dropped a head of lettuce on the floor and bent over to pick it up, and there I was, staring at her nice, firm butt sticking up at me. I mean, I couldn't help it - I threw up her skirt, got her down on the floor and we had wild, passionate sex right then and there." The reverend says, "I'm sorry, but that means you will no longer be welcome in our church."
"Sod that!" said the husband. "We'll no longer be welcome in Sainsbury's."
Quite sick joke:
A farmer is having problems with his prize stallion and decides to ring the local vet. So the vet comes round and asks what the problem is. "Well" says the farmer "he seems to be having a bit of trouble 'getting wood' as it were, can you help?". "That's easy" says the vet, and reaches inside his bag and pulls out a long rubber glove.
He puts it on right up to his elbow and shove his arm up the nearest mare's front bottom. He rummages around for a bit then pulls his hand out and wipes the gunk all over the stallion's face. The stallion gets very excited, gets the biggest boner it's had for weeks and proceeds in humping the living daylights out the mare. The farmer is amazed by this and turns to the vet. "Look, I've been happily married for 25 years but recently I've had a bit of trouble in the same department, do you think the same thing would work for me?". The vet doesn't see any problem with this and after being paid leaves.
When the farmer gets back indoors, he finds his wife has gone to bed early, so he creeps upstairs into his bedroom. His wife is fast asleep, so he rolls up her nightie and inserts his hand in her front bottom. He then rubs his hand all over his face and gets very excited, he's got the best hard on he'd had in 25 years, so he wakes his wife up all excited and starts shouting "look Marjorie,look". She rolls over,takes one look and says "Why did you wake me up to tell me you had a nose bleed?"
A newly-wed couple had moved to a new neighbourhood and were anxious to meet other people, so decided to join their local church. They met up with the reverend, who told them, "We're not interested in having any part-time members in our congregation. Belonging is a big commitment. So in order to test your resolve, I'm going to ask you two to give up sex for 30 days. After all, Jesus used to go into the desert for 40 days at a time, so I don't think this is much to ask. If you pass the test, we'll let you in." So the couple agreed and went home.
They came back 30 days later and the reverend asked, "Well, how did it go?" The husband replied, "For the first few weeks we were okay. But I started getting pretty pent-up in the last half of the month, then the final straw came on the 29th day. My wife dropped a head of lettuce on the floor and bent over to pick it up, and there I was, staring at her nice, firm butt sticking up at me. I mean, I couldn't help it - I threw up her skirt, got her down on the floor and we had wild, passionate sex right then and there." The reverend says, "I'm sorry, but that means you will no longer be welcome in our church."
"Sod that!" said the husband. "We'll no longer be welcome in Sainsbury's."
Quite sick joke:
A farmer is having problems with his prize stallion and decides to ring the local vet. So the vet comes round and asks what the problem is. "Well" says the farmer "he seems to be having a bit of trouble 'getting wood' as it were, can you help?". "That's easy" says the vet, and reaches inside his bag and pulls out a long rubber glove.
He puts it on right up to his elbow and shove his arm up the nearest mare's front bottom. He rummages around for a bit then pulls his hand out and wipes the gunk all over the stallion's face. The stallion gets very excited, gets the biggest boner it's had for weeks and proceeds in humping the living daylights out the mare. The farmer is amazed by this and turns to the vet. "Look, I've been happily married for 25 years but recently I've had a bit of trouble in the same department, do you think the same thing would work for me?". The vet doesn't see any problem with this and after being paid leaves.
When the farmer gets back indoors, he finds his wife has gone to bed early, so he creeps upstairs into his bedroom. His wife is fast asleep, so he rolls up her nightie and inserts his hand in her front bottom. He then rubs his hand all over his face and gets very excited, he's got the best hard on he'd had in 25 years, so he wakes his wife up all excited and starts shouting "look Marjorie,look". She rolls over,takes one look and says "Why did you wake me up to tell me you had a nose bleed?"
Heres a few more jokes:
Picking Up the Ladies
At the end of the college year, a star football player
celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending
a late night campus party.
Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful
coed and eased into a conversation with her by asking if
she met many dates at parties.
"Oh, I have a 3.8, so I'm much more attracted to the strong
academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's
your G. P. A.?"
Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 25
in the city and 40 on the highway."
Getting Pulled Over In the South
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, 'Bout what?"
Bad Day Fishing
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in
the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.
On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and
ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick
four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that
if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy.
She prefers that for supper tonight."
First Operation
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers
next to each other, outside the operating room. The
first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out
and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about.
I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep,
and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and
ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was
born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
Marriage...a Man's Perspective
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was... Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked,
"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping
on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in
four days."
She looked at him and said, "Man, I wish I had your
willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until
he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Mistresses
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman
comes over to their table, gives the husband a big
kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember,
if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping
trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no
Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the
decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the
restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with
Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier," says the wife.
Redneck Scientist
A redneck's trying to become a naturalist. First, he
decides to study the flea. He takes a flea and puts
it on a white piece of paper and yells: "JUMP!"
The flea jumps, so the redneck cuts his legs off.
"JUMP!", he yells. But this time the flea doesn't jump.
Pleased with himself, the redneck writes in his entry book:
"After having his legs cut off, the flea became deaf."
Second Opinion
Patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor.
Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.
Patient: I wanna second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.
Picking Up the Ladies
At the end of the college year, a star football player
celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending
a late night campus party.
Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful
coed and eased into a conversation with her by asking if
she met many dates at parties.
"Oh, I have a 3.8, so I'm much more attracted to the strong
academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's
your G. P. A.?"
Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 25
in the city and 40 on the highway."
Getting Pulled Over In the South
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, 'Bout what?"
Bad Day Fishing
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in
the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.
On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and
ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick
four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that
if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy.
She prefers that for supper tonight."
First Operation
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers
next to each other, outside the operating room. The
first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out
and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about.
I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep,
and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and
ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was
born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
Marriage...a Man's Perspective
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was... Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked,
"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping
on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in
four days."
She looked at him and said, "Man, I wish I had your
willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until
he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Mistresses
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman
comes over to their table, gives the husband a big
kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember,
if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping
trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no
Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the
decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the
restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with
Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier," says the wife.
Redneck Scientist
A redneck's trying to become a naturalist. First, he
decides to study the flea. He takes a flea and puts
it on a white piece of paper and yells: "JUMP!"
The flea jumps, so the redneck cuts his legs off.
"JUMP!", he yells. But this time the flea doesn't jump.
Pleased with himself, the redneck writes in his entry book:
"After having his legs cut off, the flea became deaf."
Second Opinion
Patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor.
Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.
Patient: I wanna second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.
Here's one y'all might like:
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with
horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely
die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make
sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For
dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with
chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems =
with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. Make
love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim."
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your
husband will regain his health completely.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with
horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely
die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make
sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For
dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with
chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems =
with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. Make
love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim."
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your
husband will regain his health completely.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
:)
I liked that one (Venom's)
I liked that one (Venom's)
God approached Adam one day and said to him, "Adam, I think it is time I made you a companion. She will be made from part of you as the price, but she will take care of all your wants and needs, give you children, never complain, and be dutiful to you always." Adam replied, "How much of myself must I give to receive such a wonderous companion?" God thought for a moment then said, "I believe one arm and one leg will suffice." And with only a brief delay Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
A man comes into work on a Monday with a black eye and his fellow workers ask him what happened. "Well, I was in church yesterday and a young woman came in wearing a summer dress and sat in the seat in front of me. When she stood up the dress was caught between the cheeks of her bum so I leaned forward and plucked it out and she hit me".
The next Monday he comes in with 2 black eyes and explains: "I was in church yesterday and the same young woman in the same dress sat in front of me. When she stood up her dress was caught between the cheeks of her bum again and the man beside me leaned forward and plucked it out. I knew she didn't like that though so I pushed it in again"
The next Monday he comes in with 2 black eyes and explains: "I was in church yesterday and the same young woman in the same dress sat in front of me. When she stood up her dress was caught between the cheeks of her bum again and the man beside me leaned forward and plucked it out. I knew she didn't like that though so I pushed it in again"
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true,"
the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed
has to be taken for the rest of my life"?
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm
wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This
prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed
has to be taken for the rest of my life"?
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm
wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This
prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large
bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the
bags?"
"Sand," answers Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard
takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing
in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,
only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the
border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally,
Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in
Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's
driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you
and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the
bags?"
"Sand," answers Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard
takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing
in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,
only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the
border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally,
Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in
Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's
driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you
and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I
told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just
as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up
and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a
quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible
conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told
her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got
away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked
her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said "oh s" cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then farted."
told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just
as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up
and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a
quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible
conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told
her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got
away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked
her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said "oh s" cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then farted."
Rough Landing
Upon landing hard, the pilot got on the PA system,
"Sorry, folks for the hard landing. It wasn't my
fault, blame it on the asphalt."
On this particular flight, the airline pilot noted
that he had "hammered the plane a little hard on the
runway."
The airline policy was that he had to stand at the
exit and apologize to each passenger getting off
the plane, saying, "Thank you for flying XYZ airlines
and sorry for the rough landing."
All the passengers had gotten off the plane, except
for one little old lady, walking with a cane and
wearing a hearing aid.
She proceeded to walk up to the pilot and and said,
"Do you mind if I ask a question?"
He said, "Why no, ma'am, go ahead."
She then replied, "I didn't hear the announcement.
Did we land, or were we shot down?"
Upon landing hard, the pilot got on the PA system,
"Sorry, folks for the hard landing. It wasn't my
fault, blame it on the asphalt."
On this particular flight, the airline pilot noted
that he had "hammered the plane a little hard on the
runway."
The airline policy was that he had to stand at the
exit and apologize to each passenger getting off
the plane, saying, "Thank you for flying XYZ airlines
and sorry for the rough landing."
All the passengers had gotten off the plane, except
for one little old lady, walking with a cane and
wearing a hearing aid.
She proceeded to walk up to the pilot and and said,
"Do you mind if I ask a question?"
He said, "Why no, ma'am, go ahead."
She then replied, "I didn't hear the announcement.
Did we land, or were we shot down?"
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