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I was on my way shopping, the rain was pouring down like no tomorrow and I was knackered. Absolutely cream crackered. I had been hoping to play my new game, Metal Gear Solid 2, but no such luck, even after the day I’ve just had. I had just done cross-country at school, and came home to find a note with instructions on. I have to buy and make dinner for everyone tonight. I know what, I’ll sit down and take a rest, I deserve one. I threw myself down on the nearest bench, note in hand, and began to dream…
*dream sequence begins – insert appropriate music here*
Beep! Beep! My codec was beeping – I had a message. I switched to nanocommunications.
(RM18) Hello?
(OtaMum) This is OtaMum here; I finally have the mission details. I’m not sure you are ready for this mission yet, but your’re the best damn choice I have. In fact, your’re the only damn choice I have. Enclosed in an envelope tucked inside the case of the latest Army Men game on the shelf is a shopping list.
(RM18) But what if someone finds it?
(OtaMum) It’s inside an Army Men game case, stupid, No-one will ever search there. Anyway, once located, open it. Inside will be a list of things I need you to get for tonight’s dinner. Be careful, the ingredients are specific and only they will work with this recipe. Understood?
(RM18) Yep.
(OtaMum) Oh, and by the way, I can’t call you RM18 anymore.
(RM18) Why not?
(OtaMum) Orders. I have to give you a new nickname, and since Solid is taken and your dear sweet brother has Liquid, from now on you will be called Gaseous Snake.
(Gaseous Snake) Why that name?
(OtaMum) Because your’re full of hot air! Ha!
(Gaseous) Why you little…
*cut in communications*
Looks like I better get going then…
(1 hour later)
I’m back outside in the rain again! What the… Anyway, there’s Sainsbury’s. I threw my chocolate cigarette on to the floor, stubbed it with my Nike trainer and started running, building up speed and going so fast that the rain started to disappear from my shoulder. Am I invisible? Or was the water affecting my new suit? Oh, no…um…actually, I’m just under a roof now. Ahem. I looked towards the entrance. *sharp intake of breath Huh? Could it really be…after all these years? Is that Revolv…is that Revolv…Yes it is! It’s a Revolving door, I haven’t been in one of these in ages! I ran towards the door and spun around. After a good few hours, I stopped. I had a job to do…
(goes to 2 hour cutscene)
I had a serious mission to do. What my mother…er…I mean OtaMum didn’t know is that I have been making shopping journeys for years. However, times had changed. Ever since the Safeway Moses incident two months ago, I was now working for a different team - Tactical Espionage Supermarket Covert Operations, or T.E.S.C.O. for short. They had been employing me for the last two months, and it was time I produced results.
I looked for the list. It was gone. I must have dropped it when I was in the revolving door! Suddenly, across the watercress, I saw it. The list had fallen into the hands of my goody two shoes brother…Liquid Snake!!
He had to be put to sleep. I got out my M9, but oh, those watermelons are just dying to be shot. *three minutes later* I saw him by the bread so I tiptoed over to him, aware that he could run at any minute. ‘Freeze!’ I shouted. ‘Now tell me what you’re doing here…’
(Liquid) ‘ I have been sent by Ugly Garlicovich, who is working for the ASDA rebels. Together me and her are planning to steal the ingredients for OtaMum’s recipe so we can create an army of our own…but then…we discovered it.’
(Gaseous) ‘Discovered what?’
(Liquid) ‘METAL GEAR RICE!!! The latest prototype ingredient designed to indoctrinate everyone with the urge to buy Sainsbury’s goods, and get this…it includes their ‘Value’ range!
(Gaseous) ‘No way!!!!’ That is unthinkable…how can they do this to the public!
(Liquid) ‘That’s hardly anything compared to the real G3 plan (Gradual Gastronomical…er…Disintegration (I couldn’t find another word beginning with ‘G’ ok?) designed by the PASTRIES!!. No-one knows who the Pastries are, and rumours that they are…they are…
(Gaseous) ‘Liquid…stop fooling around…LIQUID!!!! *play death music*
Liquid dropped to the ground, but what of? My eyes traced the path of his – and then I saw it – a Jamie Oliver advert. Death by Jamie Oliver? Now that’s brutal. I picked up the ingredients list with blood (well, actually it was ketchup) on my hands. The ingredients? Dolomio, spaghetti and a bottle of Coke (plus the video of the latest Jamie Oliver advert for T.E.S.C.O.). Wow, what a recipe! With the death of my brother building up a furious anger inside me, I took off with the ingredients. It’s time for some tactical espionage action folks!
I ran to the fridge and put my back to the cold steel. Ow! I peered round the corner and surveyed the area. Two old ladies and a young boy. I took out the two old ladies by throwing a grenade of tea and biscuits, thus distracting them. The boy was dealt with using a crayon dart. I crawled into the next area and through the cakes shelf and beyond the delicatessen I saw the door to the back. I managed to grab the ingredients and put them into my pockets (which seem to be bottomless, because no matter how many things I collect there is always space). But there was still a camera to get past. Shuffling slowly, and back to the wall, I was able to avoid the glare of the camera but couldn’t help but see a few pictures of Jamie Oliver, as well as being stared at by everyone in the stores. Dammit! I decided that to get to the door I was going to need a disguise…
Seconds later a spy infiltrating Sainsbury’s was wearing a poorly cut out Jamie Oliver mask. Unfortunately this attracted more attention, and I was beaten up about three times. Damn those annoying adverts…
(three hours and a lot of bruises later)
I’m in. I slowly made my way to the office and peered inside. I saw a silhouette of a man inside. It can’t be Rev…surely not, is that you, it IS you, Rev…erend Kojima! (who begged me to include him in a cameo role). After foiling the anticipation of the reader once again, I…I’m starting to get a message…
‘Turn the computer screen off now’
*static*
‘Do you know how long you go on those forums’
*static*
Sorry, that was Mothe…I mean OtaMum nagging me again (but you were worried then, weren’t you?). I managed to find the videotape for T.E.S.C.O. as well, but the real find was the prototypes of Metal Gear Rice, including the secret ingredient, which I couldn’t possibly say, as it’s top, top secret (Ok, I forgot again). With the ingredients in tow, I managed to leave Sainsbury’s by sneaking past the sausages, tiptoeing past the tomatoes and creeping past the clementines. With that I stepped out into the fresh air outside…and realised I hadn’t payed!!
(Much embarrassment and a clip round the ear later)
I walked out a second time. Beep! Beep! Let’s switch to the codec…
(OtaMum) Did you get the ingredients?
(Gaseous) Yeah…eventually.
(OtaMum) Well, I’ve been trying to get you on the Codec, ‘cos were actually getting Takeaway.
(Gaseous) Ahh…
*CREDITS ROLL*
Starring – Russell
Directed by – Russell
Written by – Russell
All round work – Russell
Bad Jokes by – Liquid Snake
*END OF CREDITS*
(OtaMum) Guess what, I just found about the Pastries, and guess what?
(Gaseous) What?
(OtaMum) They reached their sell-by-date…10 weeks ago!!!
And then I woke up!
Thanks for reading this strange and ever so slightly surreal tale
Russell
*dream sequence begins – insert appropriate music here*
Beep! Beep! My codec was beeping – I had a message. I switched to nanocommunications.
(RM18) Hello?
(OtaMum) This is OtaMum here; I finally have the mission details. I’m not sure you are ready for this mission yet, but your’re the best damn choice I have. In fact, your’re the only damn choice I have. Enclosed in an envelope tucked inside the case of the latest Army Men game on the shelf is a shopping list.
(RM18) But what if someone finds it?
(OtaMum) It’s inside an Army Men game case, stupid, No-one will ever search there. Anyway, once located, open it. Inside will be a list of things I need you to get for tonight’s dinner. Be careful, the ingredients are specific and only they will work with this recipe. Understood?
(RM18) Yep.
(OtaMum) Oh, and by the way, I can’t call you RM18 anymore.
(RM18) Why not?
(OtaMum) Orders. I have to give you a new nickname, and since Solid is taken and your dear sweet brother has Liquid, from now on you will be called Gaseous Snake.
(Gaseous Snake) Why that name?
(OtaMum) Because your’re full of hot air! Ha!
(Gaseous) Why you little…
*cut in communications*
Looks like I better get going then…
(1 hour later)
I’m back outside in the rain again! What the… Anyway, there’s Sainsbury’s. I threw my chocolate cigarette on to the floor, stubbed it with my Nike trainer and started running, building up speed and going so fast that the rain started to disappear from my shoulder. Am I invisible? Or was the water affecting my new suit? Oh, no…um…actually, I’m just under a roof now. Ahem. I looked towards the entrance. *sharp intake of breath Huh? Could it really be…after all these years? Is that Revolv…is that Revolv…Yes it is! It’s a Revolving door, I haven’t been in one of these in ages! I ran towards the door and spun around. After a good few hours, I stopped. I had a job to do…
(goes to 2 hour cutscene)
I had a serious mission to do. What my mother…er…I mean OtaMum didn’t know is that I have been making shopping journeys for years. However, times had changed. Ever since the Safeway Moses incident two months ago, I was now working for a different team - Tactical Espionage Supermarket Covert Operations, or T.E.S.C.O. for short. They had been employing me for the last two months, and it was time I produced results.
I looked for the list. It was gone. I must have dropped it when I was in the revolving door! Suddenly, across the watercress, I saw it. The list had fallen into the hands of my goody two shoes brother…Liquid Snake!!
He had to be put to sleep. I got out my M9, but oh, those watermelons are just dying to be shot. *three minutes later* I saw him by the bread so I tiptoed over to him, aware that he could run at any minute. ‘Freeze!’ I shouted. ‘Now tell me what you’re doing here…’
(Liquid) ‘ I have been sent by Ugly Garlicovich, who is working for the ASDA rebels. Together me and her are planning to steal the ingredients for OtaMum’s recipe so we can create an army of our own…but then…we discovered it.’
(Gaseous) ‘Discovered what?’
(Liquid) ‘METAL GEAR RICE!!! The latest prototype ingredient designed to indoctrinate everyone with the urge to buy Sainsbury’s goods, and get this…it includes their ‘Value’ range!
(Gaseous) ‘No way!!!!’ That is unthinkable…how can they do this to the public!
(Liquid) ‘That’s hardly anything compared to the real G3 plan (Gradual Gastronomical…er…Disintegration (I couldn’t find another word beginning with ‘G’ ok?) designed by the PASTRIES!!. No-one knows who the Pastries are, and rumours that they are…they are…
(Gaseous) ‘Liquid…stop fooling around…LIQUID!!!! *play death music*
Liquid dropped to the ground, but what of? My eyes traced the path of his – and then I saw it – a Jamie Oliver advert. Death by Jamie Oliver? Now that’s brutal. I picked up the ingredients list with blood (well, actually it was ketchup) on my hands. The ingredients? Dolomio, spaghetti and a bottle of Coke (plus the video of the latest Jamie Oliver advert for T.E.S.C.O.). Wow, what a recipe! With the death of my brother building up a furious anger inside me, I took off with the ingredients. It’s time for some tactical espionage action folks!
I ran to the fridge and put my back to the cold steel. Ow! I peered round the corner and surveyed the area. Two old ladies and a young boy. I took out the two old ladies by throwing a grenade of tea and biscuits, thus distracting them. The boy was dealt with using a crayon dart. I crawled into the next area and through the cakes shelf and beyond the delicatessen I saw the door to the back. I managed to grab the ingredients and put them into my pockets (which seem to be bottomless, because no matter how many things I collect there is always space). But there was still a camera to get past. Shuffling slowly, and back to the wall, I was able to avoid the glare of the camera but couldn’t help but see a few pictures of Jamie Oliver, as well as being stared at by everyone in the stores. Dammit! I decided that to get to the door I was going to need a disguise…
Seconds later a spy infiltrating Sainsbury’s was wearing a poorly cut out Jamie Oliver mask. Unfortunately this attracted more attention, and I was beaten up about three times. Damn those annoying adverts…
(three hours and a lot of bruises later)
I’m in. I slowly made my way to the office and peered inside. I saw a silhouette of a man inside. It can’t be Rev…surely not, is that you, it IS you, Rev…erend Kojima! (who begged me to include him in a cameo role). After foiling the anticipation of the reader once again, I…I’m starting to get a message…
‘Turn the computer screen off now’
*static*
‘Do you know how long you go on those forums’
*static*
Sorry, that was Mothe…I mean OtaMum nagging me again (but you were worried then, weren’t you?). I managed to find the videotape for T.E.S.C.O. as well, but the real find was the prototypes of Metal Gear Rice, including the secret ingredient, which I couldn’t possibly say, as it’s top, top secret (Ok, I forgot again). With the ingredients in tow, I managed to leave Sainsbury’s by sneaking past the sausages, tiptoeing past the tomatoes and creeping past the clementines. With that I stepped out into the fresh air outside…and realised I hadn’t payed!!
(Much embarrassment and a clip round the ear later)
I walked out a second time. Beep! Beep! Let’s switch to the codec…
(OtaMum) Did you get the ingredients?
(Gaseous) Yeah…eventually.
(OtaMum) Well, I’ve been trying to get you on the Codec, ‘cos were actually getting Takeaway.
(Gaseous) Ahh…
*CREDITS ROLL*
Starring – Russell
Directed by – Russell
Written by – Russell
All round work – Russell
Bad Jokes by – Liquid Snake
*END OF CREDITS*
(OtaMum) Guess what, I just found about the Pastries, and guess what?
(Gaseous) What?
(OtaMum) They reached their sell-by-date…10 weeks ago!!!
And then I woke up!
Thanks for reading this strange and ever so slightly surreal tale
Russell
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Yep very good mate !
Nah, only joking
Liquid Snake wrote:
> I had no part in this.
That's why it's so good.
:)
> I had no part in this.
That's why it's so good.
:)
I had no part in this.
heh that was funny, nice one
Mayeb he can see the future...
ßlade wrote:
> That was funny actually :D
>
> It didn't win though :(
SR's only been updated to the 17/04/02 on GAD
this was posted on the 18/04/02
How do you know it didn't win?
> That was funny actually :D
>
> It didn't win though :(
SR's only been updated to the 17/04/02 on GAD
this was posted on the 18/04/02
How do you know it didn't win?
Good one Russ, that's the first time I read it all
Is Liquid Snake me or the real Liquid?
Is Liquid Snake me or the real Liquid?
That was funny actually :D
It didn't win though :(
It didn't win though :(
Thanks Kerrang, its much appreciated...I am considering doing a sequel but like Mr. Kojima, I might pass on directing duties to someone else. Honest.
:)
:)
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