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Welcome to the Gaming Kama Sutra. Please follow the guide thoroughly, read all instructions and take heed of any warning given before attempting a position.
The Gaming Kama Sutra accepts no responsibility for any injuries sustained during the practise of positions used herein, you do so at your own risk and we cannot be held liable.
Enjoy.
*THE SLOUCH*
Most frequently slipped into unnoticed, and often overlooked, the slouch is a real moody teen’s position. A low chair is required to slouch deep into so that the shoulders are about level with the knees.
Hands naturally wrap around the top of the controller, giving easy access to the shoulder buttons, but the analogue stick is hard to reach and move successfully. The controller’s proximity to the crotch area gives maximum response when the vibration mode is activated
*THE DAD*
Most commonly performed by unseasoned newcomers to gaming, usually dads. Very uncomfortable, sitting bolt upright in a chair with the controller held out in front as if highly explosive.
Gives easy access to all buttons, but wrists can give out under heavy rumble. In times of frustration THE TYPIST is also partially incorporated, holding the pad with one hand and frantically hitting buttons with the other, often resulting in pad failure.
*THE DRIVER*
Used most commonly in conjunction with THE DAD, from the base position it involves, in times of stress, twisting the pad one way or another. Usually used in driving games for turning tight corners whilst teeth are gritted.
This seems a basic instinct of THE DAD, and no matter how many times told it does not improve steering, is continued to be used world-wide.
*THE TYPIST*
Most used by your annoying little cousin in a “beat-em-up” who cannot remember what the buttons do.
Lying on the floor, with the pad also on the floor - not held - the aforementioned cousin ‘types’ on the controller in a random fashion, occasionally pushing a direction.
Gives good access to all buttons, shoulders slightly more difficult to reach. Only seen in this occasion when you lose terribly as a special move is pulled off by random typing.
Not used by professional gamers as it shows inexperience and lack of control or grace. Frowned upon by many, it’s inclusion in the Gaming Kama Sutra was highly controversial.
**NOTE I**
*THE ECHO*
Although not a position, this tactic is also used by a little cousin in conjunction with THE TYPIST. After finding said special move, subject continues to use it for at least ten matches afterward. After this period of time, your noble and honest tactics have failed and you won’t result to their methods.
Thus, the game ends. May result in physical injury to said cousin as self control lessens.
*THE GIRLFRIEND*
Similar to the Dad, and also know as THE SISTER. The pad is held in close, not outstretched, and stared at constantly; the screen is paid little heed. Instead of playing, questions are asked repeatedly as to how to win, what the buttons are and what’s going on. Also “how did you do that?” is a key phrase.
This proximity of the pad to the body lessens reach to the buttons. But this is not a significant factor, as if a button was reached, it would either be the wrong one or not pressed until told specifically what it does.
**NOTE II**
*THE MOAN*
Caution must be implemented when practising Kama Sutra with your girlfriend or sister (a-HEM), with the former, this side-effect is called THE BREAK-UP.
If any questions of what the buttons do or how to win go unanswered or replied to sarcastically, the girl in question will not take it. They have had enough of losing and will moan on dangerously about how much time you spend playing games, and how stupid it is. If gaming is not immediately halted, THE MOAN could get perilous and, in case of the girlfriend, spiral into THE BREAK-UP.
Take heed of the warning signs.
*THE REACH / THE BLIND MAN / THE HUNCHBACK*
THE REACH and THE BLIND MAN are variations of THE HUNCHBACK - the first position to be invented and hold high respect among gamers of all classes.
THE HUNCHBACK involves sitting on the edge of a chair with elbow resting on top of knees. From here THE REACH moves the pad outwards so it is visible in peripheral vision when looking at the screen. Easier for developed gamers not use to the lay-out of a certain console's pad.
THE BLIND MAN is used by the hardcore gamers. The pad is pulled backwards into the body from THE HUNCHBACK so cannot be seen, but the gamer’s knowledge of the pad means it is no hindrance. The hunch forward position, although may affect posture in the long term, in the short term focusses attention toward the game screen. Thus, distractions from assorted poster and magazines are reduced.
These two variations on THE HUNCHBACK are used most often by the more serious gamers. At a competitive level they are practised thoroughly before the event to perfection.
Do not attempt THE BLIND MAN or THE REACH for the first time without a qualified professional in the vicinity, it could prove dangerous to your health.
**NOTE III**
*THE SHIELD*
THE BLIND MAN or THE REACH also provide a good counter if THE MOAN or THE BREAK-UP has been activated against all odds. The hunched body provides an excellent sound shield, stopping noise, incessant moaning or threats of divorce go unnoticed. Conditions could also worsen with THE SHIELD, and projectiles used casing major brain or hand damage. Use extreme caution at all times when implementing THE SHIELD.
*THE SUNDAY-AFTERNOON POSITIONS*
1) *THE DEAD CHICKEN*
2) *THE ARM-CRUSHER*
**NOTE IV**
The following positions can only be used on a Sunday Afternoon. Even then, when attention spans are limited and boredom dominates even the most thrilling of games, they are advised against as can be dangerous to all persons involved.
For THE DEAD CHICKEN a chair or, preferably, bed must be used. Lying upside down so that your head hangs over the piece of furniture the human form looks somewhat like a dead chicken. This position gives an excess of blood to the head and confuses as the screen is viewed upside-down. But, as tests have shown, it always seems to happen on a Sunday Afternoon. The controller has to be held out to see what you are doing, which can also cause great fatigue in the arms.
Do not use this position for more than 25 minutes maximum as it may cause long-term spinal, arm and neck injuries. And it’s just plain uncomfortable.
For THE ARM-CRUSHER lie on the floor, on your arm. The controller, in a similar manner to THE TYPIST is also on the floor, used with your one free hand.
This is, potentially, the most dangerous position. The arm you are lying on easily acquires pins and needles, you automatically strain your neck to view the screen correctly, your free hand has to be held above the controller for a long time and, usually, the floor isn’t very comfortable
For both these positions, controller access is reduced by excess of 72%. This fact would, scientist thought, have put people off using them. But, gamers insist, it’s a Sunday Afternoon and we really can’t be bothered.
Such strange behaviour is often seen when work should be getting done for the following morning.
Try your utmost to avoid using these positions, they could hamper your performance, but are always used inexplicably in times of great need.
****
I thankee,
FFF
The Gaming Kama Sutra accepts no responsibility for any injuries sustained during the practise of positions used herein, you do so at your own risk and we cannot be held liable.
Enjoy.
*THE SLOUCH*
Most frequently slipped into unnoticed, and often overlooked, the slouch is a real moody teen’s position. A low chair is required to slouch deep into so that the shoulders are about level with the knees.
Hands naturally wrap around the top of the controller, giving easy access to the shoulder buttons, but the analogue stick is hard to reach and move successfully. The controller’s proximity to the crotch area gives maximum response when the vibration mode is activated
*THE DAD*
Most commonly performed by unseasoned newcomers to gaming, usually dads. Very uncomfortable, sitting bolt upright in a chair with the controller held out in front as if highly explosive.
Gives easy access to all buttons, but wrists can give out under heavy rumble. In times of frustration THE TYPIST is also partially incorporated, holding the pad with one hand and frantically hitting buttons with the other, often resulting in pad failure.
*THE DRIVER*
Used most commonly in conjunction with THE DAD, from the base position it involves, in times of stress, twisting the pad one way or another. Usually used in driving games for turning tight corners whilst teeth are gritted.
This seems a basic instinct of THE DAD, and no matter how many times told it does not improve steering, is continued to be used world-wide.
*THE TYPIST*
Most used by your annoying little cousin in a “beat-em-up” who cannot remember what the buttons do.
Lying on the floor, with the pad also on the floor - not held - the aforementioned cousin ‘types’ on the controller in a random fashion, occasionally pushing a direction.
Gives good access to all buttons, shoulders slightly more difficult to reach. Only seen in this occasion when you lose terribly as a special move is pulled off by random typing.
Not used by professional gamers as it shows inexperience and lack of control or grace. Frowned upon by many, it’s inclusion in the Gaming Kama Sutra was highly controversial.
**NOTE I**
*THE ECHO*
Although not a position, this tactic is also used by a little cousin in conjunction with THE TYPIST. After finding said special move, subject continues to use it for at least ten matches afterward. After this period of time, your noble and honest tactics have failed and you won’t result to their methods.
Thus, the game ends. May result in physical injury to said cousin as self control lessens.
*THE GIRLFRIEND*
Similar to the Dad, and also know as THE SISTER. The pad is held in close, not outstretched, and stared at constantly; the screen is paid little heed. Instead of playing, questions are asked repeatedly as to how to win, what the buttons are and what’s going on. Also “how did you do that?” is a key phrase.
This proximity of the pad to the body lessens reach to the buttons. But this is not a significant factor, as if a button was reached, it would either be the wrong one or not pressed until told specifically what it does.
**NOTE II**
*THE MOAN*
Caution must be implemented when practising Kama Sutra with your girlfriend or sister (a-HEM), with the former, this side-effect is called THE BREAK-UP.
If any questions of what the buttons do or how to win go unanswered or replied to sarcastically, the girl in question will not take it. They have had enough of losing and will moan on dangerously about how much time you spend playing games, and how stupid it is. If gaming is not immediately halted, THE MOAN could get perilous and, in case of the girlfriend, spiral into THE BREAK-UP.
Take heed of the warning signs.
*THE REACH / THE BLIND MAN / THE HUNCHBACK*
THE REACH and THE BLIND MAN are variations of THE HUNCHBACK - the first position to be invented and hold high respect among gamers of all classes.
THE HUNCHBACK involves sitting on the edge of a chair with elbow resting on top of knees. From here THE REACH moves the pad outwards so it is visible in peripheral vision when looking at the screen. Easier for developed gamers not use to the lay-out of a certain console's pad.
THE BLIND MAN is used by the hardcore gamers. The pad is pulled backwards into the body from THE HUNCHBACK so cannot be seen, but the gamer’s knowledge of the pad means it is no hindrance. The hunch forward position, although may affect posture in the long term, in the short term focusses attention toward the game screen. Thus, distractions from assorted poster and magazines are reduced.
These two variations on THE HUNCHBACK are used most often by the more serious gamers. At a competitive level they are practised thoroughly before the event to perfection.
Do not attempt THE BLIND MAN or THE REACH for the first time without a qualified professional in the vicinity, it could prove dangerous to your health.
**NOTE III**
*THE SHIELD*
THE BLIND MAN or THE REACH also provide a good counter if THE MOAN or THE BREAK-UP has been activated against all odds. The hunched body provides an excellent sound shield, stopping noise, incessant moaning or threats of divorce go unnoticed. Conditions could also worsen with THE SHIELD, and projectiles used casing major brain or hand damage. Use extreme caution at all times when implementing THE SHIELD.
*THE SUNDAY-AFTERNOON POSITIONS*
1) *THE DEAD CHICKEN*
2) *THE ARM-CRUSHER*
**NOTE IV**
The following positions can only be used on a Sunday Afternoon. Even then, when attention spans are limited and boredom dominates even the most thrilling of games, they are advised against as can be dangerous to all persons involved.
For THE DEAD CHICKEN a chair or, preferably, bed must be used. Lying upside down so that your head hangs over the piece of furniture the human form looks somewhat like a dead chicken. This position gives an excess of blood to the head and confuses as the screen is viewed upside-down. But, as tests have shown, it always seems to happen on a Sunday Afternoon. The controller has to be held out to see what you are doing, which can also cause great fatigue in the arms.
Do not use this position for more than 25 minutes maximum as it may cause long-term spinal, arm and neck injuries. And it’s just plain uncomfortable.
For THE ARM-CRUSHER lie on the floor, on your arm. The controller, in a similar manner to THE TYPIST is also on the floor, used with your one free hand.
This is, potentially, the most dangerous position. The arm you are lying on easily acquires pins and needles, you automatically strain your neck to view the screen correctly, your free hand has to be held above the controller for a long time and, usually, the floor isn’t very comfortable
For both these positions, controller access is reduced by excess of 72%. This fact would, scientist thought, have put people off using them. But, gamers insist, it’s a Sunday Afternoon and we really can’t be bothered.
Such strange behaviour is often seen when work should be getting done for the following morning.
Try your utmost to avoid using these positions, they could hamper your performance, but are always used inexplicably in times of great need.
****
I thankee,
FFF
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Excellent topic.
Thi wrote:
> Very good post there.
> Has anyone else notice non-gamers twist the pad round like turning a
> driving wheel when in the heat of a game? My dad does this on Mario
> Kart...
Erm ... THE DRIVER. Covered it : )
> Very good post there.
> Has anyone else notice non-gamers twist the pad round like turning a
> driving wheel when in the heat of a game? My dad does this on Mario
> Kart...
Erm ... THE DRIVER. Covered it : )
Very good post there.
Has anyone else notice non-gamers twist the pad round like turning a driving wheel when in the heat of a game? My dad does this on Mario Kart...
Has anyone else notice non-gamers twist the pad round like turning a driving wheel when in the heat of a game? My dad does this on Mario Kart...
Agh!
Blummin sister. Keeps losing at SSX Tricky, keeps asking questions, never presses the right button, get very annoyed.
Just slipped into THE MOAN, switched the console off, went crazeee.
Blummin sister. Keeps losing at SSX Tricky, keeps asking questions, never presses the right button, get very annoyed.
Just slipped into THE MOAN, switched the console off, went crazeee.
Nice post, a lot of familiar positions there. I tend to use the Blindman with a variation of the Slouch. I tend to stretch out on my side on the sofa. Can't do the Arm Crusher as the dog then thinks I am one of his toys.
DanDaGr8 wrote:
> Nice post mate
> My personal favourite position is "THE BLINDMAN" and another
> that you havent put down (i call it "The Buddist" Often used
> after many frustrating hours of trying to pass one level/boss/puzzle,
> then you calm yourself to a zen like state and you sit in a position
> similar to that of a mediating monk with the controller positioned
> where ever it is most comfortable. )
You're right, I do that one quite often, just before I get really annoyed at the game - take a few dep breaths and slip into THE BUDDIST.
Class.
Cheers for all the feedback ladies, much appriciated.
> Nice post mate
> My personal favourite position is "THE BLINDMAN" and another
> that you havent put down (i call it "The Buddist" Often used
> after many frustrating hours of trying to pass one level/boss/puzzle,
> then you calm yourself to a zen like state and you sit in a position
> similar to that of a mediating monk with the controller positioned
> where ever it is most comfortable. )
You're right, I do that one quite often, just before I get really annoyed at the game - take a few dep breaths and slip into THE BUDDIST.
Class.
Cheers for all the feedback ladies, much appriciated.
Well done, all so realistic.
I tend to use the The BlindMan more often than not, otherwise, when using the X-Box controller, I have to use the The Reach posistion, as I tend to press the wrong button... Damn XBOX.
Unfortunately, I do tend to slip into The Crouch position, without any notice; although still keeping the control pad close to me...
Great post FFF, had fun reading.
I tend to use the The BlindMan more often than not, otherwise, when using the X-Box controller, I have to use the The Reach posistion, as I tend to press the wrong button... Damn XBOX.
Unfortunately, I do tend to slip into The Crouch position, without any notice; although still keeping the control pad close to me...
Great post FFF, had fun reading.
This would make a great episode of The Book Group.
Nice one mate.
Nice one mate.
Nice post mate
My personal favourite position is "THE BLINDMAN" and another that you havent put down (i call it "The Buddist" Often used after many frustrating hours of trying to pass one level/boss/puzzle, then you calm yourself to a zen like state and you sit in a position similar to that of a mediating monk with the controller positioned where ever it is most comfortable. )
My personal favourite position is "THE BLINDMAN" and another that you havent put down (i call it "The Buddist" Often used after many frustrating hours of trying to pass one level/boss/puzzle, then you calm yourself to a zen like state and you sit in a position similar to that of a mediating monk with the controller positioned where ever it is most comfortable. )
That all sounds sooooo familiar! Great post FFF, well done!
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