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The chilling wind knifed through my clothes, ruffling my cardboard deerstalker as I stumbled through the darkened wood. I had let the dogs off their leads and they were trotting ahead of me, sniffing the bushes and laying their scent. My directions had become rather confused ever since I pulled the hood of my coat down over my eyes, so after wandering hither and thither in desultory fashion for a while I had entirely lost my bearings. I wasn't overly concerned as I was armed with my linseed oil beast-repellant spray, and the wood wasn't that big, so I just kept walking along in the hope that I might reach the edge soon. Suddenly, I caught sight of lit window in the distance. I didn't recognize the building, so I advanced towards it to see where I was. I approached the solitary lit window and peeped through the metal grille into the strangest room I have ever seen. It was a giant laboratory, spotlessly clean, that contained rows upon rows upon rows of cages, covering every wall and filling almost every one of the long metal tables. The odd bit being that each cage was occupied by a single hamster.
I had never seen this place in my life before; it must have been newly constructed in the past week. The reasons for it's obsession with hamsters eluded me, and I felt in a somewhat surreal situation, standing just before midnight outside a mysterious lab with its thousands of caged rodential denizens. I determined to get to the bottom of whatever mystery lay within, and boldly resolved to venture forth into the heart of danger like some Hollywood movie star. The silent shape that rubbed against my leg disrupted my visions of bravado and nearly sent me screaming back through the woods before I realised it was just one of my dogs. I took a deep breath and then darted round the corner and took a flying dive through a partially open window at the back of the house.
It turns out I'm not quite as agile as Lara Croft as my head refused to curl under my legs into a perfect forward roll, and instead I just cascaded clumsily into a mound of something soft, which fortunately broke my fall. I sprung into a crouch and stopped dead to listen for anybody or anything in the near vicinity that might have heard me. All was quiet, so I slunk over to the door and opened it an inch. The adjoining room was not the one with the hamsters but seemed more like an office, with several computers, some larger machines unbeknown to me and a large filing cabinet. Three men in white coats were just walking out the door at the far end, into the hamster room I supposed. I darted over to the filing cabinet to see if it held any clues as to the existence of this mysterious and slightly creepy laboratory.
I flicked through a few files and was aghast as the realization hit me of what this lab did. It implanted miniscule microchips into the brains of these hamsters to give them the personality of anyone they chose. Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden were among the thousands of experiments already conducted, each with an individual report of how the hamster reacted with their new personality. An idea hit me and I delved deeper into the cabinet. I found the files I was looking for and read through them with fascination.
Test 1014 - Michael Jackson
As soon as the operation was complete I detected signs of distress from 1014. Maybe because he was undeniably extrovert, strutting round his cage with a cornflake balanced on his nose, he seemed dissatisfied and unhappy with his surroundings. He soon started to screech a lot, donned a straw wig, and shuffled about his cage walking backwards, presumably an early attempt at moonwalking. The next time I checked upon him however, I found him lying close to death since he had chewed off most of his dark brown skin revealing the white flesh beneath. He died shortly after.
Test 475 - Chris Moyles
Initially, 475 appeared unchanged bar his sudden insatiable appetite. Things soon went downhill though, and he became unbearably obstreperous and recalcitrant, screaming abuse at the surrounding cages while lying in his food bowl, stuffing his face. The rest of the time he just lay farting and scratching his belly. And that's about it.
Test 2118 - Sam Fisher
For the first few hours after operation, 2118 behaved entirely normally. When I returned for the third check however, I found him clinging to the bottom of his running wheel with black droppings smeared over his face. When I tried to entice him out he fired a peanut at my forehead and proceeded to launch a straw rope at his water bottle, which he shimmied up in seconds and somersaulted into the food bowl.
By the next check, 2118 had crafted himself a straw camouflage suit and it took me five full minutes to find him. He resented this and launched another projectile at me.
Unfortunately, the next check took up a 30 minute fruitless search during which 2118 remained hidden in his cage, despite my energetic scrabblings. We can no longer find 2118 and will have to repeat the experiment in a more confined area another time.
Test 3998 - Colin McRae
3998 seems to have an innate penchant for speed. In the beginning he just sprinted randomly round the cage, frequently leaping onto his running wheel and setting record lap times for the whole lab. 3998 then became more organised and modeled himself a complex track in the straw that he flung himself round in his modified food bowl. He is now recovering from concussion however, resulting from too many high speed collisions with the water bowl.
Test 5201 - Sven Goran Erikkson
From the outset 5201 proved himself to be quiet and meditative, sitting atop his running wheel whilst rubbing his chin. He then cleared a space in his cage and emptied out his food bowl into it, arranging the food into complex formations which he made battle each other. He became increasingly mournful as time went by, and was recently discovered to have hung himself by a make-shift straw rope.
At this point someone entered the office and spotted me, so I dropped the files and ran for my life, dropping my 20p Peter Dominic gift voucher in my haste. Back in the darkened wood I felt no safer, since I knew the lab would most likely send out their most fearsome weapon after me, the most dangerously modified hamster of all. The only one I was afraid of, the only one that could cause me permanent psychological harm; the non compos mentis, inance-drivelling and Latin-spewing Insane Bartender. I ran faster.
I had never seen this place in my life before; it must have been newly constructed in the past week. The reasons for it's obsession with hamsters eluded me, and I felt in a somewhat surreal situation, standing just before midnight outside a mysterious lab with its thousands of caged rodential denizens. I determined to get to the bottom of whatever mystery lay within, and boldly resolved to venture forth into the heart of danger like some Hollywood movie star. The silent shape that rubbed against my leg disrupted my visions of bravado and nearly sent me screaming back through the woods before I realised it was just one of my dogs. I took a deep breath and then darted round the corner and took a flying dive through a partially open window at the back of the house.
It turns out I'm not quite as agile as Lara Croft as my head refused to curl under my legs into a perfect forward roll, and instead I just cascaded clumsily into a mound of something soft, which fortunately broke my fall. I sprung into a crouch and stopped dead to listen for anybody or anything in the near vicinity that might have heard me. All was quiet, so I slunk over to the door and opened it an inch. The adjoining room was not the one with the hamsters but seemed more like an office, with several computers, some larger machines unbeknown to me and a large filing cabinet. Three men in white coats were just walking out the door at the far end, into the hamster room I supposed. I darted over to the filing cabinet to see if it held any clues as to the existence of this mysterious and slightly creepy laboratory.
I flicked through a few files and was aghast as the realization hit me of what this lab did. It implanted miniscule microchips into the brains of these hamsters to give them the personality of anyone they chose. Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden were among the thousands of experiments already conducted, each with an individual report of how the hamster reacted with their new personality. An idea hit me and I delved deeper into the cabinet. I found the files I was looking for and read through them with fascination.
Test 1014 - Michael Jackson
As soon as the operation was complete I detected signs of distress from 1014. Maybe because he was undeniably extrovert, strutting round his cage with a cornflake balanced on his nose, he seemed dissatisfied and unhappy with his surroundings. He soon started to screech a lot, donned a straw wig, and shuffled about his cage walking backwards, presumably an early attempt at moonwalking. The next time I checked upon him however, I found him lying close to death since he had chewed off most of his dark brown skin revealing the white flesh beneath. He died shortly after.
Test 475 - Chris Moyles
Initially, 475 appeared unchanged bar his sudden insatiable appetite. Things soon went downhill though, and he became unbearably obstreperous and recalcitrant, screaming abuse at the surrounding cages while lying in his food bowl, stuffing his face. The rest of the time he just lay farting and scratching his belly. And that's about it.
Test 2118 - Sam Fisher
For the first few hours after operation, 2118 behaved entirely normally. When I returned for the third check however, I found him clinging to the bottom of his running wheel with black droppings smeared over his face. When I tried to entice him out he fired a peanut at my forehead and proceeded to launch a straw rope at his water bottle, which he shimmied up in seconds and somersaulted into the food bowl.
By the next check, 2118 had crafted himself a straw camouflage suit and it took me five full minutes to find him. He resented this and launched another projectile at me.
Unfortunately, the next check took up a 30 minute fruitless search during which 2118 remained hidden in his cage, despite my energetic scrabblings. We can no longer find 2118 and will have to repeat the experiment in a more confined area another time.
Test 3998 - Colin McRae
3998 seems to have an innate penchant for speed. In the beginning he just sprinted randomly round the cage, frequently leaping onto his running wheel and setting record lap times for the whole lab. 3998 then became more organised and modeled himself a complex track in the straw that he flung himself round in his modified food bowl. He is now recovering from concussion however, resulting from too many high speed collisions with the water bowl.
Test 5201 - Sven Goran Erikkson
From the outset 5201 proved himself to be quiet and meditative, sitting atop his running wheel whilst rubbing his chin. He then cleared a space in his cage and emptied out his food bowl into it, arranging the food into complex formations which he made battle each other. He became increasingly mournful as time went by, and was recently discovered to have hung himself by a make-shift straw rope.
At this point someone entered the office and spotted me, so I dropped the files and ran for my life, dropping my 20p Peter Dominic gift voucher in my haste. Back in the darkened wood I felt no safer, since I knew the lab would most likely send out their most fearsome weapon after me, the most dangerously modified hamster of all. The only one I was afraid of, the only one that could cause me permanent psychological harm; the non compos mentis, inance-drivelling and Latin-spewing Insane Bartender. I ran faster.
Brilliant, just brilliant. Best thing I have read for ages.
Apologies. I was running short of an ending. :)
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!
Hold on. Allow me to read this...
So nice to know that my laboured keyboard tappings are appreciated. :(
The chilling wind knifed through my clothes, ruffling my cardboard deerstalker as I stumbled through the darkened wood. I had let the dogs off their leads and they were trotting ahead of me, sniffing the bushes and laying their scent. My directions had become rather confused ever since I pulled the hood of my coat down over my eyes, so after wandering hither and thither in desultory fashion for a while I had entirely lost my bearings. I wasn't overly concerned as I was armed with my linseed oil beast-repellant spray, and the wood wasn't that big, so I just kept walking along in the hope that I might reach the edge soon. Suddenly, I caught sight of lit window in the distance. I didn't recognize the building, so I advanced towards it to see where I was. I approached the solitary lit window and peeped through the metal grille into the strangest room I have ever seen. It was a giant laboratory, spotlessly clean, that contained rows upon rows upon rows of cages, covering every wall and filling almost every one of the long metal tables. The odd bit being that each cage was occupied by a single hamster.
I had never seen this place in my life before; it must have been newly constructed in the past week. The reasons for it's obsession with hamsters eluded me, and I felt in a somewhat surreal situation, standing just before midnight outside a mysterious lab with its thousands of caged rodential denizens. I determined to get to the bottom of whatever mystery lay within, and boldly resolved to venture forth into the heart of danger like some Hollywood movie star. The silent shape that rubbed against my leg disrupted my visions of bravado and nearly sent me screaming back through the woods before I realised it was just one of my dogs. I took a deep breath and then darted round the corner and took a flying dive through a partially open window at the back of the house.
It turns out I'm not quite as agile as Lara Croft as my head refused to curl under my legs into a perfect forward roll, and instead I just cascaded clumsily into a mound of something soft, which fortunately broke my fall. I sprung into a crouch and stopped dead to listen for anybody or anything in the near vicinity that might have heard me. All was quiet, so I slunk over to the door and opened it an inch. The adjoining room was not the one with the hamsters but seemed more like an office, with several computers, some larger machines unbeknown to me and a large filing cabinet. Three men in white coats were just walking out the door at the far end, into the hamster room I supposed. I darted over to the filing cabinet to see if it held any clues as to the existence of this mysterious and slightly creepy laboratory.
I flicked through a few files and was aghast as the realization hit me of what this lab did. It implanted miniscule microchips into the brains of these hamsters to give them the personality of anyone they chose. Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden were among the thousands of experiments already conducted, each with an individual report of how the hamster reacted with their new personality. An idea hit me and I delved deeper into the cabinet. I found the files I was looking for and read through them with fascination.
Test 1014 - Michael Jackson
As soon as the operation was complete I detected signs of distress from 1014. Maybe because he was undeniably extrovert, strutting round his cage with a cornflake balanced on his nose, he seemed dissatisfied and unhappy with his surroundings. He soon started to screech a lot, donned a straw wig, and shuffled about his cage walking backwards, presumably an early attempt at moonwalking. The next time I checked upon him however, I found him lying close to death since he had chewed off most of his dark brown skin revealing the white flesh beneath. He died shortly after.
Test 475 - Chris Moyles
Initially, 475 appeared unchanged bar his sudden insatiable appetite. Things soon went downhill though, and he became unbearably obstreperous and recalcitrant, screaming abuse at the surrounding cages while lying in his food bowl, stuffing his face. The rest of the time he just lay farting and scratching his belly. And that's about it.
Test 2118 - Sam Fisher
For the first few hours after operation, 2118 behaved entirely normally. When I returned for the third check however, I found him clinging to the bottom of his running wheel with black droppings smeared over his face. When I tried to entice him out he fired a peanut at my forehead and proceeded to launch a straw rope at his water bottle, which he shimmied up in seconds and somersaulted into the food bowl.
By the next check, 2118 had crafted himself a straw camouflage suit and it took me five full minutes to find him. He resented this and launched another projectile at me.
Unfortunately, the next check took up a 30 minute fruitless search during which 2118 remained hidden in his cage, despite my energetic scrabblings. We can no longer find 2118 and will have to repeat the experiment in a more confined area another time.
Test 3998 - Colin McRae
3998 seems to have an innate penchant for speed. In the beginning he just sprinted randomly round the cage, frequently leaping onto his running wheel and setting record lap times for the whole lab. 3998 then became more organised and modeled himself a complex track in the straw that he flung himself round in his modified food bowl. He is now recovering from concussion however, resulting from too many high speed collisions with the water bowl.
Test 5201 - Sven Goran Erikkson
From the outset 5201 proved himself to be quiet and meditative, sitting atop his running wheel whilst rubbing his chin. He then cleared a space in his cage and emptied out his food bowl into it, arranging the food into complex formations which he made battle each other. He became increasingly mournful as time went by, and was recently discovered to have hung himself by a make-shift straw rope.
At this point someone entered the office and spotted me, so I dropped the files and ran for my life, dropping my 20p Peter Dominic gift voucher in my haste. Back in the darkened wood I felt no safer, since I knew the lab would most likely send out their most fearsome weapon after me, the most dangerously modified hamster of all. The only one I was afraid of, the only one that could cause me permanent psychological harm; the non compos mentis, inance-drivelling and Latin-spewing Insane Bartender. I ran faster.
I had never seen this place in my life before; it must have been newly constructed in the past week. The reasons for it's obsession with hamsters eluded me, and I felt in a somewhat surreal situation, standing just before midnight outside a mysterious lab with its thousands of caged rodential denizens. I determined to get to the bottom of whatever mystery lay within, and boldly resolved to venture forth into the heart of danger like some Hollywood movie star. The silent shape that rubbed against my leg disrupted my visions of bravado and nearly sent me screaming back through the woods before I realised it was just one of my dogs. I took a deep breath and then darted round the corner and took a flying dive through a partially open window at the back of the house.
It turns out I'm not quite as agile as Lara Croft as my head refused to curl under my legs into a perfect forward roll, and instead I just cascaded clumsily into a mound of something soft, which fortunately broke my fall. I sprung into a crouch and stopped dead to listen for anybody or anything in the near vicinity that might have heard me. All was quiet, so I slunk over to the door and opened it an inch. The adjoining room was not the one with the hamsters but seemed more like an office, with several computers, some larger machines unbeknown to me and a large filing cabinet. Three men in white coats were just walking out the door at the far end, into the hamster room I supposed. I darted over to the filing cabinet to see if it held any clues as to the existence of this mysterious and slightly creepy laboratory.
I flicked through a few files and was aghast as the realization hit me of what this lab did. It implanted miniscule microchips into the brains of these hamsters to give them the personality of anyone they chose. Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden were among the thousands of experiments already conducted, each with an individual report of how the hamster reacted with their new personality. An idea hit me and I delved deeper into the cabinet. I found the files I was looking for and read through them with fascination.
Test 1014 - Michael Jackson
As soon as the operation was complete I detected signs of distress from 1014. Maybe because he was undeniably extrovert, strutting round his cage with a cornflake balanced on his nose, he seemed dissatisfied and unhappy with his surroundings. He soon started to screech a lot, donned a straw wig, and shuffled about his cage walking backwards, presumably an early attempt at moonwalking. The next time I checked upon him however, I found him lying close to death since he had chewed off most of his dark brown skin revealing the white flesh beneath. He died shortly after.
Test 475 - Chris Moyles
Initially, 475 appeared unchanged bar his sudden insatiable appetite. Things soon went downhill though, and he became unbearably obstreperous and recalcitrant, screaming abuse at the surrounding cages while lying in his food bowl, stuffing his face. The rest of the time he just lay farting and scratching his belly. And that's about it.
Test 2118 - Sam Fisher
For the first few hours after operation, 2118 behaved entirely normally. When I returned for the third check however, I found him clinging to the bottom of his running wheel with black droppings smeared over his face. When I tried to entice him out he fired a peanut at my forehead and proceeded to launch a straw rope at his water bottle, which he shimmied up in seconds and somersaulted into the food bowl.
By the next check, 2118 had crafted himself a straw camouflage suit and it took me five full minutes to find him. He resented this and launched another projectile at me.
Unfortunately, the next check took up a 30 minute fruitless search during which 2118 remained hidden in his cage, despite my energetic scrabblings. We can no longer find 2118 and will have to repeat the experiment in a more confined area another time.
Test 3998 - Colin McRae
3998 seems to have an innate penchant for speed. In the beginning he just sprinted randomly round the cage, frequently leaping onto his running wheel and setting record lap times for the whole lab. 3998 then became more organised and modeled himself a complex track in the straw that he flung himself round in his modified food bowl. He is now recovering from concussion however, resulting from too many high speed collisions with the water bowl.
Test 5201 - Sven Goran Erikkson
From the outset 5201 proved himself to be quiet and meditative, sitting atop his running wheel whilst rubbing his chin. He then cleared a space in his cage and emptied out his food bowl into it, arranging the food into complex formations which he made battle each other. He became increasingly mournful as time went by, and was recently discovered to have hung himself by a make-shift straw rope.
At this point someone entered the office and spotted me, so I dropped the files and ran for my life, dropping my 20p Peter Dominic gift voucher in my haste. Back in the darkened wood I felt no safer, since I knew the lab would most likely send out their most fearsome weapon after me, the most dangerously modified hamster of all. The only one I was afraid of, the only one that could cause me permanent psychological harm; the non compos mentis, inance-drivelling and Latin-spewing Insane Bartender. I ran faster.