The "Creative Writing" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
Ben wouldn't have expected it. He thought it would be another day full of boredom and hard work. But he was wrong.
It all started with a gunshot.
Screams were everywhere as a man had fell to the ground bleeding on his back. Ben started running back home but what he did not notice is that the man carrying the gun was after him. Ben felt perfectly safe when he reached the doorstep of his home when a man leapt at him.
"Get of me!" Ben tried to say but it came out as a muffled sound. He managed to get a decent look at the man. Black hair, pale skin, bloodshot eyes and two hands carrying guns...
Ben heard lights being switched on. He was tied to a chair. He tilted his head to see two men carrying guns. His ears were blocked and he couldn't hear much of the conversation.
"...perfect...testing...supernatural..."
"...I...course...no...Won’t...please..."
Ben tried to hear what they were saying. Ben let out a scream. The two men were shocked and went towards Ben.
"Shut up!" One of them said.
The other man punched Ben hard in the stomach.
Ben felt tears stream down his cheeks. The man who had punched him smiled and smacked him round the face. This time Ben was crying out loud.
"Shut up!" The first man shouted.
Ben held his tears in. His stomach was aching and he was bleeding on the cheek. Ben couldn't understand why they had him here.
"Why am I here?" Ben shouted out loud.
They didn't reply and just went through a door. Ben screamed. He tried to move his chair but it was stuck on the ground.
Time passed. Ben was asleep. The two men came back in the room.
"Lemme out!" Ben shouted.
One of the men pulled out a gun. Ben stayed still. Ben did not expect this but the man shot at Ben's stomach.
Ben let out a scream of pain.
Ben was feeling weird. The chair broke and Ben was sitting on the ground.
Ben screamed again. He felt like something was coming out of his stomach.
Something did. It was red and it shot at the two men!
The two men broke into argument.
"WHAT POTION DID YOU GIVE HIM YOU IDIOT?" Shouted one of the men!
"THE RED ONE!" Shouted the other man.
"I TOLD YOU TO GIVE HIM THE PURPLE ONE YOU GAVE HIM - AAAAAAA!"
Ben's stomach had gone large and red and a thick piece of vein was coming out and strangling a guard.
"What's happened to me?" Ben shouted.
"We gave you a potion but it was the wrong one! Now hold still-" said the guard which wasn't being strangled. He was going to inject a some purple potion. Ben's vein whipped the man.
"You've transformed completely!" shouted the man. "THAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!"
Ben screamed. More thick veins were coming out! He soon stood up, killed the guard and looked for an exit. He jumped over a broken piece of scaffolding but went flying. His jump was eleven times bigger then any other human. His head hit the ceiling. The ceiling broke! Ben was standing on top of the building. He fell to the ground. Screamed and died.
Two years later.
"A body of supernatural kind has been found on top of Stars Woodwind Instruments center. There are thick purple veins sticking out of the body's stomach and two parents claim this to be there son." Ben's Dad switched of the TV. He promised to himself he would track down the people who had done this two his son...
It all started with a gunshot.
Screams were everywhere as a man had fell to the ground bleeding on his back. Ben started running back home but what he did not notice is that the man carrying the gun was after him. Ben felt perfectly safe when he reached the doorstep of his home when a man leapt at him.
"Get of me!" Ben tried to say but it came out as a muffled sound. He managed to get a decent look at the man. Black hair, pale skin, bloodshot eyes and two hands carrying guns...
Ben heard lights being switched on. He was tied to a chair. He tilted his head to see two men carrying guns. His ears were blocked and he couldn't hear much of the conversation.
"...perfect...testing...supernatural..."
"...I...course...no...Won’t...please..."
Ben tried to hear what they were saying. Ben let out a scream. The two men were shocked and went towards Ben.
"Shut up!" One of them said.
The other man punched Ben hard in the stomach.
Ben felt tears stream down his cheeks. The man who had punched him smiled and smacked him round the face. This time Ben was crying out loud.
"Shut up!" The first man shouted.
Ben held his tears in. His stomach was aching and he was bleeding on the cheek. Ben couldn't understand why they had him here.
"Why am I here?" Ben shouted out loud.
They didn't reply and just went through a door. Ben screamed. He tried to move his chair but it was stuck on the ground.
Time passed. Ben was asleep. The two men came back in the room.
"Lemme out!" Ben shouted.
One of the men pulled out a gun. Ben stayed still. Ben did not expect this but the man shot at Ben's stomach.
Ben let out a scream of pain.
Ben was feeling weird. The chair broke and Ben was sitting on the ground.
Ben screamed again. He felt like something was coming out of his stomach.
Something did. It was red and it shot at the two men!
The two men broke into argument.
"WHAT POTION DID YOU GIVE HIM YOU IDIOT?" Shouted one of the men!
"THE RED ONE!" Shouted the other man.
"I TOLD YOU TO GIVE HIM THE PURPLE ONE YOU GAVE HIM - AAAAAAA!"
Ben's stomach had gone large and red and a thick piece of vein was coming out and strangling a guard.
"What's happened to me?" Ben shouted.
"We gave you a potion but it was the wrong one! Now hold still-" said the guard which wasn't being strangled. He was going to inject a some purple potion. Ben's vein whipped the man.
"You've transformed completely!" shouted the man. "THAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!"
Ben screamed. More thick veins were coming out! He soon stood up, killed the guard and looked for an exit. He jumped over a broken piece of scaffolding but went flying. His jump was eleven times bigger then any other human. His head hit the ceiling. The ceiling broke! Ben was standing on top of the building. He fell to the ground. Screamed and died.
Two years later.
"A body of supernatural kind has been found on top of Stars Woodwind Instruments center. There are thick purple veins sticking out of the body's stomach and two parents claim this to be there son." Ben's Dad switched of the TV. He promised to himself he would track down the people who had done this two his son...
Description and making sure I don't rush my stories? I'll try!
Well it's action-packed, but as the others say, try to put more description in. Expand certain moments - paint a more detailed picture for the reader.
That was very good but you should read your stories through after you have read them. I have started doing that now.
Do try.
With deeper insight into your characters and their surroundings, as well as more detailed descriptions (and, as Asher said, less constant use of their name), your stories could be one whole lot better.
Keep going and you'll do well.
With deeper insight into your characters and their surroundings, as well as more detailed descriptions (and, as Asher said, less constant use of their name), your stories could be one whole lot better.
Keep going and you'll do well.
Yeah. I should try not to rush my stories.
I'm in two minds after reading that, it was very good, yet flawed.
It was good because it was very intriguing, a lot of clever ideas to make the story gripping and a nice structure to it.
However there are big moments that are rushed through which could work a lot better with a lot more powerful, descriptive words. I guess my tip for you is, with your next story, maybe try and make it a bit longer so you can really get into depth and set the scene.
Also the constant use of Ben's name was a little monotonous, don't be afraid to use 'he' every now and then.
But other than that a good read, I'll definitely look out for the next stories you write.
It was good because it was very intriguing, a lot of clever ideas to make the story gripping and a nice structure to it.
However there are big moments that are rushed through which could work a lot better with a lot more powerful, descriptive words. I guess my tip for you is, with your next story, maybe try and make it a bit longer so you can really get into depth and set the scene.
Also the constant use of Ben's name was a little monotonous, don't be afraid to use 'he' every now and then.
But other than that a good read, I'll definitely look out for the next stories you write.
Ben wouldn't have expected it. He thought it would be another day full of boredom and hard work. But he was wrong.
It all started with a gunshot.
Screams were everywhere as a man had fell to the ground bleeding on his back. Ben started running back home but what he did not notice is that the man carrying the gun was after him. Ben felt perfectly safe when he reached the doorstep of his home when a man leapt at him.
"Get of me!" Ben tried to say but it came out as a muffled sound. He managed to get a decent look at the man. Black hair, pale skin, bloodshot eyes and two hands carrying guns...
Ben heard lights being switched on. He was tied to a chair. He tilted his head to see two men carrying guns. His ears were blocked and he couldn't hear much of the conversation.
"...perfect...testing...supernatural..."
"...I...course...no...Won’t...please..."
Ben tried to hear what they were saying. Ben let out a scream. The two men were shocked and went towards Ben.
"Shut up!" One of them said.
The other man punched Ben hard in the stomach.
Ben felt tears stream down his cheeks. The man who had punched him smiled and smacked him round the face. This time Ben was crying out loud.
"Shut up!" The first man shouted.
Ben held his tears in. His stomach was aching and he was bleeding on the cheek. Ben couldn't understand why they had him here.
"Why am I here?" Ben shouted out loud.
They didn't reply and just went through a door. Ben screamed. He tried to move his chair but it was stuck on the ground.
Time passed. Ben was asleep. The two men came back in the room.
"Lemme out!" Ben shouted.
One of the men pulled out a gun. Ben stayed still. Ben did not expect this but the man shot at Ben's stomach.
Ben let out a scream of pain.
Ben was feeling weird. The chair broke and Ben was sitting on the ground.
Ben screamed again. He felt like something was coming out of his stomach.
Something did. It was red and it shot at the two men!
The two men broke into argument.
"WHAT POTION DID YOU GIVE HIM YOU IDIOT?" Shouted one of the men!
"THE RED ONE!" Shouted the other man.
"I TOLD YOU TO GIVE HIM THE PURPLE ONE YOU GAVE HIM - AAAAAAA!"
Ben's stomach had gone large and red and a thick piece of vein was coming out and strangling a guard.
"What's happened to me?" Ben shouted.
"We gave you a potion but it was the wrong one! Now hold still-" said the guard which wasn't being strangled. He was going to inject a some purple potion. Ben's vein whipped the man.
"You've transformed completely!" shouted the man. "THAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!"
Ben screamed. More thick veins were coming out! He soon stood up, killed the guard and looked for an exit. He jumped over a broken piece of scaffolding but went flying. His jump was eleven times bigger then any other human. His head hit the ceiling. The ceiling broke! Ben was standing on top of the building. He fell to the ground. Screamed and died.
Two years later.
"A body of supernatural kind has been found on top of Stars Woodwind Instruments center. There are thick purple veins sticking out of the body's stomach and two parents claim this to be there son." Ben's Dad switched of the TV. He promised to himself he would track down the people who had done this two his son...
It all started with a gunshot.
Screams were everywhere as a man had fell to the ground bleeding on his back. Ben started running back home but what he did not notice is that the man carrying the gun was after him. Ben felt perfectly safe when he reached the doorstep of his home when a man leapt at him.
"Get of me!" Ben tried to say but it came out as a muffled sound. He managed to get a decent look at the man. Black hair, pale skin, bloodshot eyes and two hands carrying guns...
Ben heard lights being switched on. He was tied to a chair. He tilted his head to see two men carrying guns. His ears were blocked and he couldn't hear much of the conversation.
"...perfect...testing...supernatural..."
"...I...course...no...Won’t...please..."
Ben tried to hear what they were saying. Ben let out a scream. The two men were shocked and went towards Ben.
"Shut up!" One of them said.
The other man punched Ben hard in the stomach.
Ben felt tears stream down his cheeks. The man who had punched him smiled and smacked him round the face. This time Ben was crying out loud.
"Shut up!" The first man shouted.
Ben held his tears in. His stomach was aching and he was bleeding on the cheek. Ben couldn't understand why they had him here.
"Why am I here?" Ben shouted out loud.
They didn't reply and just went through a door. Ben screamed. He tried to move his chair but it was stuck on the ground.
Time passed. Ben was asleep. The two men came back in the room.
"Lemme out!" Ben shouted.
One of the men pulled out a gun. Ben stayed still. Ben did not expect this but the man shot at Ben's stomach.
Ben let out a scream of pain.
Ben was feeling weird. The chair broke and Ben was sitting on the ground.
Ben screamed again. He felt like something was coming out of his stomach.
Something did. It was red and it shot at the two men!
The two men broke into argument.
"WHAT POTION DID YOU GIVE HIM YOU IDIOT?" Shouted one of the men!
"THE RED ONE!" Shouted the other man.
"I TOLD YOU TO GIVE HIM THE PURPLE ONE YOU GAVE HIM - AAAAAAA!"
Ben's stomach had gone large and red and a thick piece of vein was coming out and strangling a guard.
"What's happened to me?" Ben shouted.
"We gave you a potion but it was the wrong one! Now hold still-" said the guard which wasn't being strangled. He was going to inject a some purple potion. Ben's vein whipped the man.
"You've transformed completely!" shouted the man. "THAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!"
Ben screamed. More thick veins were coming out! He soon stood up, killed the guard and looked for an exit. He jumped over a broken piece of scaffolding but went flying. His jump was eleven times bigger then any other human. His head hit the ceiling. The ceiling broke! Ben was standing on top of the building. He fell to the ground. Screamed and died.
Two years later.
"A body of supernatural kind has been found on top of Stars Woodwind Instruments center. There are thick purple veins sticking out of the body's stomach and two parents claim this to be there son." Ben's Dad switched of the TV. He promised to himself he would track down the people who had done this two his son...