Viewing Thread:
"I have Santa"

The fat git collapsed down my chimey about 5 minutes ago whilst I was watching festive Who Wants To Be a Millionaire and cracked his head on the stone floor, luckily the fire wasn't lit or his rather camp fluffy jacket would've been up in flames!

I look at his bloodshot eyes and he cried "dude, give a hand?" the old savvy had been drinking. His breath stank of brandy and mince pies as I clasped his fat hand to help him up, and I plonked him in an armchair whilst I waited for the adverts in Millionaire.

Whilst Chris Tarrants sweet face faded away and some corporate fat-cats tried to sell me Bounty, I quizzed Santa, "Have you been drinking you fat old rummie?"
"Yeah, what you gunna do about it?" was his red-faced reply
"I'm going to carve up your reindeer" was a line that seemed to sober his fat red ass up
"B-b-but" his flabberghasted face flopped
"Screw you Santa" I yelled, drunk on half a pint of Stella, "I made you and I can destroy you"

There was a large explosion and a deep thud and a tank, manned by the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, rolled through my living room wall.

"Leave Santa alone" the Easter Bunny squeaked

I was in shock

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK" added the tooth fairy, unable to put real words together. I think her tutu was too tight.

So the fat red fluffy old pervert climbed into a tank and rolled away as the tooth fairy taunted "eeeeeeeeeeeek!!!!!". I threw my slippers at her but missed by a few inches.

I took my dads shotgun out of the cabinet (We all have shotguns here, it's cool) and began shooting at the tread of the tank, but the bullets deflected off it and hit my elderly neighbout, who had come out to see what the commotion was about, in the face.

By this time the police had arrived and the tank was nowhere to be seen. I fired a few rounds at the police and they hid behind a car and threw their handcuffs at me in a desperate attempt to subdue my attack. I merely ducked them and barricaded myself into my house.

I think I hear a helicopter hovering above the house now.

Crumble wrote:
> That was amusing.

I disagree strongly.

true story.

There was a blizzard in Kyz's nose.
Fact.

HHAT wrote:
> How drunk are ye, Para?
>
> Oh, and cookie.. I'm here...

I really wasn't much.

Just high.

Meh, I had Santa last year - not very special, I must say.
In one department, his ability to perform certain actions at scientifically impossible speeds fails to impress.

any man claiming to have presents for kids in his 'sack' deserves to be arrested.

How drunk are ye, Para?

Oh, and cookie.. I'm here...

Everyone is leaving. Im all alone now, arent I?

Yes my love.

I'm going too, but to drunkly-ring people.

happy xmas and take care.

Good!

Well Paradox, it's been an absoloute pleasure talking utter crap with you. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you!

I will now depart to my bed. See you all soon!