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Yes yes, another post from me about me, but I've at last got something good to write about. So hush up, I can do what I like.
Well, at last, it looks like we've finally worked out what's wrong with me, being that I'm psychotic, and (while I hate to admit it) am schizophrenic.
Now there's still a large part of me that believes there's nothing wrong with me, and that's difficult to fight, but not impossible, which is the main thing.
Over the last month or so I've discovered that my brain is diseased, which wasn't so much of a shock as perhaps it should have been. I had meningious when I was younger, and fortunately instead of losing my limbs, hearing, etc, I was struck with brain damage, which was a bit harder to notice.
But well, dealing with all this, it's more like finding words for things that have always been. There's no difference, no change, only answers to questions that well, as you can guess, preoccupied my mind.
So now I'm on anti-psychotics, and it looks like I'll be on them for the rest of my life. I finally got around to talking to my parents about it, my father laughed and refused to believe it (which is -superb- for my paranoia, I might add), but my mother admitted that she found it hard to believe I'd be ill, but is accepting it slowly.
And now the only problems I have with myself are the rather slight side-affects (I shake a lot now, but it might be due to my feeling coming back and finding the cold more).. and well, now that I'm not spending my time trying to fight myself, I'm finding myself bored and with no idea what to do.
But it's great. I can concenrate again, much longer than I could before. I'm getting hungry again, which is amazing, and I'm eating more and at last putting weight on. I can clear my mind much easier, and while I still have bad moments, the rest of the time is excellent.
My mind is so clear I can't even think of a single bad thing at the moment. Seriously, it's great. It's kinda worrying though, to think that for the last ten years, even longer, I've been constantly fighting myself, never truly knowing if there was anything wrong with me.. that does wonders for your paranoia too.
But anyway, I'm happy, and now I'm off again to play with my nephews. Well, I thought it's only whenever someone's depressed that they write topics like this on here, so there we go.
Hope you're all just dandy.
Well, at last, it looks like we've finally worked out what's wrong with me, being that I'm psychotic, and (while I hate to admit it) am schizophrenic.
Now there's still a large part of me that believes there's nothing wrong with me, and that's difficult to fight, but not impossible, which is the main thing.
Over the last month or so I've discovered that my brain is diseased, which wasn't so much of a shock as perhaps it should have been. I had meningious when I was younger, and fortunately instead of losing my limbs, hearing, etc, I was struck with brain damage, which was a bit harder to notice.
But well, dealing with all this, it's more like finding words for things that have always been. There's no difference, no change, only answers to questions that well, as you can guess, preoccupied my mind.
So now I'm on anti-psychotics, and it looks like I'll be on them for the rest of my life. I finally got around to talking to my parents about it, my father laughed and refused to believe it (which is -superb- for my paranoia, I might add), but my mother admitted that she found it hard to believe I'd be ill, but is accepting it slowly.
And now the only problems I have with myself are the rather slight side-affects (I shake a lot now, but it might be due to my feeling coming back and finding the cold more).. and well, now that I'm not spending my time trying to fight myself, I'm finding myself bored and with no idea what to do.
But it's great. I can concenrate again, much longer than I could before. I'm getting hungry again, which is amazing, and I'm eating more and at last putting weight on. I can clear my mind much easier, and while I still have bad moments, the rest of the time is excellent.
My mind is so clear I can't even think of a single bad thing at the moment. Seriously, it's great. It's kinda worrying though, to think that for the last ten years, even longer, I've been constantly fighting myself, never truly knowing if there was anything wrong with me.. that does wonders for your paranoia too.
But anyway, I'm happy, and now I'm off again to play with my nephews. Well, I thought it's only whenever someone's depressed that they write topics like this on here, so there we go.
Hope you're all just dandy.
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munn wrote:
> Puddleface wrote:
> I went through a stage that still to this day i cant explain. It
> was
> the first year of A levels and the work was getting a little hard
> towards the end. I wasnt really stressed but for some reason around
> March of that year, i felt like I wasnt myself. It was one of the
> strangest periods of my life, I felt like I was going mad for no
> apparent reason. The only way I could describe it is not being in
> my
> own body. I felt like I was trapped in my body and was anxious
> about
> absolutely everything. It was one of those stages where i
> questioned
> life and thought about everything bad and negative that has happened
> to me.
>
> That's strange, the same sort of thing happened to me late last year
> too. I'd look in the mirror and ask myself if that was me. I was
> confused, and asking myself questions about life, the universe, and
> all that jazz (sorry, I had to say it), though I snapped out of it
> around Christmas.
>
> I hasn't made me think any differently since though.
> Guess it didn't "work" or something.
I know, I think it happens to most people, some more severe than others. I think its a time when you finally realise you need to grow up and stop being so pathetic.
> Puddleface wrote:
> I went through a stage that still to this day i cant explain. It
> was
> the first year of A levels and the work was getting a little hard
> towards the end. I wasnt really stressed but for some reason around
> March of that year, i felt like I wasnt myself. It was one of the
> strangest periods of my life, I felt like I was going mad for no
> apparent reason. The only way I could describe it is not being in
> my
> own body. I felt like I was trapped in my body and was anxious
> about
> absolutely everything. It was one of those stages where i
> questioned
> life and thought about everything bad and negative that has happened
> to me.
>
> That's strange, the same sort of thing happened to me late last year
> too. I'd look in the mirror and ask myself if that was me. I was
> confused, and asking myself questions about life, the universe, and
> all that jazz (sorry, I had to say it), though I snapped out of it
> around Christmas.
>
> I hasn't made me think any differently since though.
> Guess it didn't "work" or something.
I know, I think it happens to most people, some more severe than others. I think its a time when you finally realise you need to grow up and stop being so pathetic.
If you get bored, slip one of your tablets into someones drink and watch them go insane.
Maybe "become one with the ego" is a better phrase than "crushing it."
I guess it depends on what you see of your ego.
But I guess nowdays I find I get the biggest buzzes when I've got no sense of self - the ego. So I guess you don't need confidence because you just be. A bit like a lack of self consiousness.
But I guess that doesn't fully explain things because then you'd be ready to anything, and somethings I'd rather have no self confidence than do, so perhaps you're phrasing it better, and what I'm trying to rid myself off is excess ego, the stuff that hangs around and holds you back with prejudices and other things that stop you thinking so clearly...
But I guess I know what I mean and what I'm aiming for.
The idea is to clear your head so you're buzzing for fresh thoughts.
I remember you saying that you were liking meditation for doing just that.
Although my philosophising is sound, I guess the hardest part is actually putting preaching into practice.
But I guess that the best thing is that there's nothing wrong if I don't, just more good if I do, after all it would defeat the entire object of it if I put pressure on myself, all false expectations and what not...
I'll wander there and see where it goes. :-)
I guess it depends on what you see of your ego.
But I guess nowdays I find I get the biggest buzzes when I've got no sense of self - the ego. So I guess you don't need confidence because you just be. A bit like a lack of self consiousness.
But I guess that doesn't fully explain things because then you'd be ready to anything, and somethings I'd rather have no self confidence than do, so perhaps you're phrasing it better, and what I'm trying to rid myself off is excess ego, the stuff that hangs around and holds you back with prejudices and other things that stop you thinking so clearly...
But I guess I know what I mean and what I'm aiming for.
The idea is to clear your head so you're buzzing for fresh thoughts.
I remember you saying that you were liking meditation for doing just that.
Although my philosophising is sound, I guess the hardest part is actually putting preaching into practice.
But I guess that the best thing is that there's nothing wrong if I don't, just more good if I do, after all it would defeat the entire object of it if I put pressure on myself, all false expectations and what not...
I'll wander there and see where it goes. :-)
Puddleface wrote:
> I went through a stage that still to this day i cant explain. It was
> the first year of A levels and the work was getting a little hard
> towards the end. I wasnt really stressed but for some reason around
> March of that year, i felt like I wasnt myself. It was one of the
> strangest periods of my life, I felt like I was going mad for no
> apparent reason. The only way I could describe it is not being in my
> own body. I felt like I was trapped in my body and was anxious about
> absolutely everything. It was one of those stages where i questioned
> life and thought about everything bad and negative that has happened
> to me.
That's strange, the same sort of thing happened to me late last year too. I'd look in the mirror and ask myself if that was me. I was confused, and asking myself questions about life, the universe, and all that jazz (sorry, I had to say it), though I snapped out of it around Christmas.
I hasn't made me think any differently since though.
Guess it didn't "work" or something.
> I went through a stage that still to this day i cant explain. It was
> the first year of A levels and the work was getting a little hard
> towards the end. I wasnt really stressed but for some reason around
> March of that year, i felt like I wasnt myself. It was one of the
> strangest periods of my life, I felt like I was going mad for no
> apparent reason. The only way I could describe it is not being in my
> own body. I felt like I was trapped in my body and was anxious about
> absolutely everything. It was one of those stages where i questioned
> life and thought about everything bad and negative that has happened
> to me.
That's strange, the same sort of thing happened to me late last year too. I'd look in the mirror and ask myself if that was me. I was confused, and asking myself questions about life, the universe, and all that jazz (sorry, I had to say it), though I snapped out of it around Christmas.
I hasn't made me think any differently since though.
Guess it didn't "work" or something.
One with myself? Pft :) This is far from over, simply easier.
Crushing ego, interesting.. I used to try doing things like that, quite hard.
It is impossible, I believe, to destroy hate without also destroying love. I guess you must destroy confident ego as well as paranoid ego, rid of them both, like you say.
But for what? Why destroy what you can simply take control of? To iradicate yourself of something is not the way, but to teach yourself the ins and the outs, reach to the depths of each side, then perhaps you would become stronger in that way. To know depths of confidence, paranoia, and above all, recognise them in yourself.
It's all about control.. but someone does become in control by grasping at things, not allowing them to grow.. no, control comes, would you believe, by simply letting go, relaxing the grip, or what you would believe to be control. And from that, learning to open your mind to every detail of every mood, and emotional state. Do not destroy ego, but become one with it, maybe.
Know your enemy, and know yourself. I suppose. :D (I really have no idea, but it's my best guess.)
Crushing ego, interesting.. I used to try doing things like that, quite hard.
It is impossible, I believe, to destroy hate without also destroying love. I guess you must destroy confident ego as well as paranoid ego, rid of them both, like you say.
But for what? Why destroy what you can simply take control of? To iradicate yourself of something is not the way, but to teach yourself the ins and the outs, reach to the depths of each side, then perhaps you would become stronger in that way. To know depths of confidence, paranoia, and above all, recognise them in yourself.
It's all about control.. but someone does become in control by grasping at things, not allowing them to grow.. no, control comes, would you believe, by simply letting go, relaxing the grip, or what you would believe to be control. And from that, learning to open your mind to every detail of every mood, and emotional state. Do not destroy ego, but become one with it, maybe.
Know your enemy, and know yourself. I suppose. :D (I really have no idea, but it's my best guess.)
Grix Thraves wrote:
> I pity the fool.
And here was me thinking that nobody pitied me.
I'm much happier now.
And the way to look at it is:
If by taking drugs you're going to make things for you, and other people better, and they're not going to make yourself worse off in the long run by using them, then there's no need to worry about them.
> I pity the fool.
And here was me thinking that nobody pitied me.
I'm much happier now.
And the way to look at it is:
If by taking drugs you're going to make things for you, and other people better, and they're not going to make yourself worse off in the long run by using them, then there's no need to worry about them.
Interesting...
I can't think of anything else to say.
Personally, I've never been desperate to see you change in any way, but I've never seen what goes on to produce those words. Personally, I look for ways to improve myself, and sometimes people say how they miss the "old me" or things that I've changed for the better, so only you know what's best for you and the like.
Ofcourse, my changes are probably that little more trivial than yours but you get the point of me trying to sort of relate and all that! ;-)
My latest mission is to crush my ego.
No ego = no false expectations, no paranoia, and a whole load of things.
Sure, you can get a temporary buzz from an ego buzz, but it's just like drug - you get your high but then there's a huge low as the hype that buzzed you builds expectations which you inevitably fail and then that depresses, where as if you can just live for life then you can constantly buzz with no come down.
The thing is, the moment I squish the wgo and start buzzing, that manages to create a brand new ego to bring me down again. I need to get back into meditation. Clear my mind... become one with the world...
but yeah, congrats for finally become one with yourself! ;-P
I can't think of anything else to say.
Personally, I've never been desperate to see you change in any way, but I've never seen what goes on to produce those words. Personally, I look for ways to improve myself, and sometimes people say how they miss the "old me" or things that I've changed for the better, so only you know what's best for you and the like.
Ofcourse, my changes are probably that little more trivial than yours but you get the point of me trying to sort of relate and all that! ;-)
My latest mission is to crush my ego.
No ego = no false expectations, no paranoia, and a whole load of things.
Sure, you can get a temporary buzz from an ego buzz, but it's just like drug - you get your high but then there's a huge low as the hype that buzzed you builds expectations which you inevitably fail and then that depresses, where as if you can just live for life then you can constantly buzz with no come down.
The thing is, the moment I squish the wgo and start buzzing, that manages to create a brand new ego to bring me down again. I need to get back into meditation. Clear my mind... become one with the world...
but yeah, congrats for finally become one with yourself! ;-P
Puddleface wrote:
"With my kind of personality I have to look back and just laugh at it because I cant take it too seriously."
Aye, best way. I tried my best to keep that way, but it was really becoming dangerous, to myself and others. Glad to hear you came out of that anyway.
"With my kind of personality I have to look back and just laugh at it because I cant take it too seriously."
Aye, best way. I tried my best to keep that way, but it was really becoming dangerous, to myself and others. Glad to hear you came out of that anyway.
I went through a stage that still to this day i cant explain. It was the first year of A levels and the work was getting a little hard towards the end. I wasnt really stressed but for some reason around March of that year, i felt like I wasnt myself. It was one of the strangest periods of my life, I felt like I was going mad for no apparent reason. The only way I could describe it is not being in my own body. I felt like I was trapped in my body and was anxious about absolutely everything. It was one of those stages where i questioned life and thought about everything bad and negative that has happened to me. This happened for about 2 months until i finally "snapped" out of it, I refused to take any drugs for fear they may make me worse. I never in a million years thought something like this would happen to me and i have a newfound respect for people with mental disorders. Im absolutely fine now, but i have simply had to deal with it. With my kind of personality I have to look back and just laugh at it because I cant take it too seriously.
Thanks, and I pity the fool.
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