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It seems astonishing that yet another Big Brother series has hit our screens, despite every series since series 1 having been as dull as ditchwater. The whole thing about Big Brother being nastier to the contestants has turned out to be a load of old rubbish. There's only one way to make Big Brother really watchable, that old TV staple - violence. Take the stupidest or most annoying contestants you can find, throw them in a cavernous building full of traps, lifted from sci-fi horror flick Cube, and you'd have something worth watching? Don't believe me? Here's how it might go..
*cue iffy brumby voice about as convincing as the animated 'Howard' from the Halifax Ad, accompanied by a Big Brother 'Eye logo, albeit one bleeding profusely from the socket*
'It's day two in the Big Brother Cubed facility, and already the carnage is mounting up. Sandra, who came to the attention of the producers after half blinding herself with cheesy wotsit one day, has become the first casualty, having tripped the cheesywire trap in the second room*
*flashback shown to overhappy giggling slapper Sandra pushing the button marked 'do not push', whereupon she is taken apart in a gruesome fashion*
'Meanwhile, Dave is feeling the heat after his failure at the 'Patting your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time' challenge has meant that the cubemates have been given sandpaper for use in the lavatories instead of the soft fluffy toilet tissue they could have been using. The other cubemates are already discussing using him to test the traps as they make their way across the facility to where the exit is. Although they don't know that the exit in fact is locked and key is six floors below them.'
*flashback to Dave sitting rocking in a corner while the other semi-bloodied cubemates stare at him*
'Join us tomorrow when we take away the cubemates food supply and throw Davina McCall in and see how long it takes for cannibalism to ensue.'
You get the picture. Hey, I'd watch it.
*cue iffy brumby voice about as convincing as the animated 'Howard' from the Halifax Ad, accompanied by a Big Brother 'Eye logo, albeit one bleeding profusely from the socket*
'It's day two in the Big Brother Cubed facility, and already the carnage is mounting up. Sandra, who came to the attention of the producers after half blinding herself with cheesy wotsit one day, has become the first casualty, having tripped the cheesywire trap in the second room*
*flashback shown to overhappy giggling slapper Sandra pushing the button marked 'do not push', whereupon she is taken apart in a gruesome fashion*
'Meanwhile, Dave is feeling the heat after his failure at the 'Patting your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time' challenge has meant that the cubemates have been given sandpaper for use in the lavatories instead of the soft fluffy toilet tissue they could have been using. The other cubemates are already discussing using him to test the traps as they make their way across the facility to where the exit is. Although they don't know that the exit in fact is locked and key is six floors below them.'
*flashback to Dave sitting rocking in a corner while the other semi-bloodied cubemates stare at him*
'Join us tomorrow when we take away the cubemates food supply and throw Davina McCall in and see how long it takes for cannibalism to ensue.'
You get the picture. Hey, I'd watch it.
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It seems astonishing that yet another Big Brother series has hit our screens, despite every series since series 1 having been as dull as ditchwater. The whole thing about Big Brother being nastier to the contestants has turned out to be a load of old rubbish. There's only one way to make Big Brother really watchable, that old TV staple - violence. Take the stupidest or most annoying contestants you can find, throw them in a cavernous building full of traps, lifted from sci-fi horror flick Cube, and you'd have something worth watching? Don't believe me? Here's how it might go..
*cue iffy brumby voice about as convincing as the animated 'Howard' from the Halifax Ad, accompanied by a Big Brother 'Eye logo, albeit one bleeding profusely from the socket*
'It's day two in the Big Brother Cubed facility, and already the carnage is mounting up. Sandra, who came to the attention of the producers after half blinding herself with cheesy wotsit one day, has become the first casualty, having tripped the cheesywire trap in the second room*
*flashback shown to overhappy giggling slapper Sandra pushing the button marked 'do not push', whereupon she is taken apart in a gruesome fashion*
'Meanwhile, Dave is feeling the heat after his failure at the 'Patting your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time' challenge has meant that the cubemates have been given sandpaper for use in the lavatories instead of the soft fluffy toilet tissue they could have been using. The other cubemates are already discussing using him to test the traps as they make their way across the facility to where the exit is. Although they don't know that the exit in fact is locked and key is six floors below them.'
*flashback to Dave sitting rocking in a corner while the other semi-bloodied cubemates stare at him*
'Join us tomorrow when we take away the cubemates food supply and throw Davina McCall in and see how long it takes for cannibalism to ensue.'
You get the picture. Hey, I'd watch it.
*cue iffy brumby voice about as convincing as the animated 'Howard' from the Halifax Ad, accompanied by a Big Brother 'Eye logo, albeit one bleeding profusely from the socket*
'It's day two in the Big Brother Cubed facility, and already the carnage is mounting up. Sandra, who came to the attention of the producers after half blinding herself with cheesy wotsit one day, has become the first casualty, having tripped the cheesywire trap in the second room*
*flashback shown to overhappy giggling slapper Sandra pushing the button marked 'do not push', whereupon she is taken apart in a gruesome fashion*
'Meanwhile, Dave is feeling the heat after his failure at the 'Patting your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time' challenge has meant that the cubemates have been given sandpaper for use in the lavatories instead of the soft fluffy toilet tissue they could have been using. The other cubemates are already discussing using him to test the traps as they make their way across the facility to where the exit is. Although they don't know that the exit in fact is locked and key is six floors below them.'
*flashback to Dave sitting rocking in a corner while the other semi-bloodied cubemates stare at him*
'Join us tomorrow when we take away the cubemates food supply and throw Davina McCall in and see how long it takes for cannibalism to ensue.'
You get the picture. Hey, I'd watch it.