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It’s been revealed that self-styled eccentric filmmaker Tim Burton, the man that raped the legacy of Planet of the Apes, has been kidnapped by a small band of angry dwarves and held hostage in a secret location.
The news comes only a short while after Burton revealed some of the crazy plans he has in store for his new big screen version of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, which is due to go into pre-production soon.
In the original 1971 version, starring Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka, real-life dwarves played the roles of Wonka’s exploited moralistic Oompa Loompa slaves. However, Burton favours the use of needless computer graphics for his soon to be filmed twisted gothic update of the Roald Dahl classic, and instead of hiring real dwarf actors, some of whom are quite angry and addicted to booze, he will film normal better looking actors dressed as the Oompa Loompas, then digitally shrink them in post-production. The move has outraged a number of diminutive actors, so they decided to take their revenge.
The Oompa Loompa characters are pretty much portrayed as slave labourers, rescued from the dangerous world of Loompaland and forced to work their tiny orange butts off by the macabre Willy Wonka. Amongst their many tasks in any one day were milking and sugaring, driving the Wonkatania boat, cleaning and buffing golden eggs, producing a never ending line of ‘Ever-Lasting Gob Stoppers’, singing lots of mocking songs about the weak side of human nature and fishing fat German boys out of manky chocolate rivers. Despite the fact that they were slaves, they were much sought after roles for real-life dwarves, banking on a big payday should the new film be a success.
Shortly after Tim Burton’s apparent disappearance, a crumpled note arrived at Hollywood Police HQ, written in Burton’s blood by the chief kidnapper. It read;
“It’s becoming more and more common nowadays for parts in movies previously reserved for us “vertically challenged persons” are increasingly going to other actors, with computer graphics being used to make them small. In the Lord of the Rings trilogy for example, better looking actors with superior acting abilities were used for the lead Hobbit roles and CGI used for Gollum. Many of us earned our crust by starring in these sorts of fantasy movies playing elves, dwarves or midget monsters in the 70’s and 80’s, but now we’re not needed and we don’t know what to do. We’re desperate dwarves thrown onto the Hollywood scrap heap.
Should Tim Burton change his mind and hire us dwarves for the Oompa Loompa roles, then he’ll be let free to continue his “normal” life, if not, then he’ll suffer the wrath of the little people.
Anyway, I can’t write too much more as I’m running short of blood, and Tim’s looking a bit more pasty and ill than usual.”
Police have already procured a number of interesting leads, and have sent out an APB for short men, and, for extra backup, have called in Burton’s Hollywood chum Marky Mark, already shadowing the police force to research his role for the upcoming big budget Police Academy reunion sequel, to help the investigation in a typical Hollywood maverick cop style.
Marky commented, “I’ve been hanging out with the guys at the precinct for a couple of weeks now to get into my role of Steve Guttenberg’s mischievous but oh so hunky cadet son, and then I heard Tim was in trouble, so I asked if I could help out and the top brass said yes. So I’ve now got free license to rescue Tim and beat some dwarf skull, all for the sake of research.”
Famous little person Gary Coleman, someone used to being thrown onto the scrap heap of obscurity when his novelty size wore off, commented, “Because I’m small too, I can see the dwarves point of view. Hollywood used to love us little guys, putting us in all kinds of films like Willow, Star Wars, a henchman role in a James Bond movie and quirky sitcoms about midgets or aliens living with a normal family in suburbia, but since computer graphics became much more sophisticated, the dole queues in Hollywood are filling up with an army of dwarves. Many of those guys were banking on roles in Lord of the Rings or the new Willy Wonka film, so when they heard CG was to be used again, I guess they just snapped and kidnapped Tim Burton.”
Gary was then asked to repeat his famous catchphrase from Diff’rent Strokes, but he declined.
It is hoped some kind of compromise can be reached and that the angry showbiz midgets will be accommodated in the new film in some way, but this incident definitely highlights the growing unrest of midget actors left out in the cold due to new CG effects. The shin kickers and ankle biters of Hollywood have been forgotten, many ending up on the streets, either performing jolly song and dance numbers for family crowds, or partaking in dangerous back-alley knife fights for money. Lest we forget the great outcast of Hollywood, the guys who used to perform the small roles, but have now been replaced by better looking CGI enhanced actors.
Update: The actor who plays Mini-Me in the Austin Powers movies was taken in by police for questioning over the incident, but denied all knowledge of the kidnapping, and has since been released without charge.
The search continues…
The news comes only a short while after Burton revealed some of the crazy plans he has in store for his new big screen version of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, which is due to go into pre-production soon.
In the original 1971 version, starring Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka, real-life dwarves played the roles of Wonka’s exploited moralistic Oompa Loompa slaves. However, Burton favours the use of needless computer graphics for his soon to be filmed twisted gothic update of the Roald Dahl classic, and instead of hiring real dwarf actors, some of whom are quite angry and addicted to booze, he will film normal better looking actors dressed as the Oompa Loompas, then digitally shrink them in post-production. The move has outraged a number of diminutive actors, so they decided to take their revenge.
The Oompa Loompa characters are pretty much portrayed as slave labourers, rescued from the dangerous world of Loompaland and forced to work their tiny orange butts off by the macabre Willy Wonka. Amongst their many tasks in any one day were milking and sugaring, driving the Wonkatania boat, cleaning and buffing golden eggs, producing a never ending line of ‘Ever-Lasting Gob Stoppers’, singing lots of mocking songs about the weak side of human nature and fishing fat German boys out of manky chocolate rivers. Despite the fact that they were slaves, they were much sought after roles for real-life dwarves, banking on a big payday should the new film be a success.
Shortly after Tim Burton’s apparent disappearance, a crumpled note arrived at Hollywood Police HQ, written in Burton’s blood by the chief kidnapper. It read;
“It’s becoming more and more common nowadays for parts in movies previously reserved for us “vertically challenged persons” are increasingly going to other actors, with computer graphics being used to make them small. In the Lord of the Rings trilogy for example, better looking actors with superior acting abilities were used for the lead Hobbit roles and CGI used for Gollum. Many of us earned our crust by starring in these sorts of fantasy movies playing elves, dwarves or midget monsters in the 70’s and 80’s, but now we’re not needed and we don’t know what to do. We’re desperate dwarves thrown onto the Hollywood scrap heap.
Should Tim Burton change his mind and hire us dwarves for the Oompa Loompa roles, then he’ll be let free to continue his “normal” life, if not, then he’ll suffer the wrath of the little people.
Anyway, I can’t write too much more as I’m running short of blood, and Tim’s looking a bit more pasty and ill than usual.”
Police have already procured a number of interesting leads, and have sent out an APB for short men, and, for extra backup, have called in Burton’s Hollywood chum Marky Mark, already shadowing the police force to research his role for the upcoming big budget Police Academy reunion sequel, to help the investigation in a typical Hollywood maverick cop style.
Marky commented, “I’ve been hanging out with the guys at the precinct for a couple of weeks now to get into my role of Steve Guttenberg’s mischievous but oh so hunky cadet son, and then I heard Tim was in trouble, so I asked if I could help out and the top brass said yes. So I’ve now got free license to rescue Tim and beat some dwarf skull, all for the sake of research.”
Famous little person Gary Coleman, someone used to being thrown onto the scrap heap of obscurity when his novelty size wore off, commented, “Because I’m small too, I can see the dwarves point of view. Hollywood used to love us little guys, putting us in all kinds of films like Willow, Star Wars, a henchman role in a James Bond movie and quirky sitcoms about midgets or aliens living with a normal family in suburbia, but since computer graphics became much more sophisticated, the dole queues in Hollywood are filling up with an army of dwarves. Many of those guys were banking on roles in Lord of the Rings or the new Willy Wonka film, so when they heard CG was to be used again, I guess they just snapped and kidnapped Tim Burton.”
Gary was then asked to repeat his famous catchphrase from Diff’rent Strokes, but he declined.
It is hoped some kind of compromise can be reached and that the angry showbiz midgets will be accommodated in the new film in some way, but this incident definitely highlights the growing unrest of midget actors left out in the cold due to new CG effects. The shin kickers and ankle biters of Hollywood have been forgotten, many ending up on the streets, either performing jolly song and dance numbers for family crowds, or partaking in dangerous back-alley knife fights for money. Lest we forget the great outcast of Hollywood, the guys who used to perform the small roles, but have now been replaced by better looking CGI enhanced actors.
Update: The actor who plays Mini-Me in the Austin Powers movies was taken in by police for questioning over the incident, but denied all knowledge of the kidnapping, and has since been released without charge.
The search continues…
Ha! A good read.
It’s been revealed that self-styled eccentric filmmaker Tim Burton, the man that raped the legacy of Planet of the Apes, has been kidnapped by a small band of angry dwarves and held hostage in a secret location.
The news comes only a short while after Burton revealed some of the crazy plans he has in store for his new big screen version of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, which is due to go into pre-production soon.
In the original 1971 version, starring Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka, real-life dwarves played the roles of Wonka’s exploited moralistic Oompa Loompa slaves. However, Burton favours the use of needless computer graphics for his soon to be filmed twisted gothic update of the Roald Dahl classic, and instead of hiring real dwarf actors, some of whom are quite angry and addicted to booze, he will film normal better looking actors dressed as the Oompa Loompas, then digitally shrink them in post-production. The move has outraged a number of diminutive actors, so they decided to take their revenge.
The Oompa Loompa characters are pretty much portrayed as slave labourers, rescued from the dangerous world of Loompaland and forced to work their tiny orange butts off by the macabre Willy Wonka. Amongst their many tasks in any one day were milking and sugaring, driving the Wonkatania boat, cleaning and buffing golden eggs, producing a never ending line of ‘Ever-Lasting Gob Stoppers’, singing lots of mocking songs about the weak side of human nature and fishing fat German boys out of manky chocolate rivers. Despite the fact that they were slaves, they were much sought after roles for real-life dwarves, banking on a big payday should the new film be a success.
Shortly after Tim Burton’s apparent disappearance, a crumpled note arrived at Hollywood Police HQ, written in Burton’s blood by the chief kidnapper. It read;
“It’s becoming more and more common nowadays for parts in movies previously reserved for us “vertically challenged persons” are increasingly going to other actors, with computer graphics being used to make them small. In the Lord of the Rings trilogy for example, better looking actors with superior acting abilities were used for the lead Hobbit roles and CGI used for Gollum. Many of us earned our crust by starring in these sorts of fantasy movies playing elves, dwarves or midget monsters in the 70’s and 80’s, but now we’re not needed and we don’t know what to do. We’re desperate dwarves thrown onto the Hollywood scrap heap.
Should Tim Burton change his mind and hire us dwarves for the Oompa Loompa roles, then he’ll be let free to continue his “normal” life, if not, then he’ll suffer the wrath of the little people.
Anyway, I can’t write too much more as I’m running short of blood, and Tim’s looking a bit more pasty and ill than usual.”
Police have already procured a number of interesting leads, and have sent out an APB for short men, and, for extra backup, have called in Burton’s Hollywood chum Marky Mark, already shadowing the police force to research his role for the upcoming big budget Police Academy reunion sequel, to help the investigation in a typical Hollywood maverick cop style.
Marky commented, “I’ve been hanging out with the guys at the precinct for a couple of weeks now to get into my role of Steve Guttenberg’s mischievous but oh so hunky cadet son, and then I heard Tim was in trouble, so I asked if I could help out and the top brass said yes. So I’ve now got free license to rescue Tim and beat some dwarf skull, all for the sake of research.”
Famous little person Gary Coleman, someone used to being thrown onto the scrap heap of obscurity when his novelty size wore off, commented, “Because I’m small too, I can see the dwarves point of view. Hollywood used to love us little guys, putting us in all kinds of films like Willow, Star Wars, a henchman role in a James Bond movie and quirky sitcoms about midgets or aliens living with a normal family in suburbia, but since computer graphics became much more sophisticated, the dole queues in Hollywood are filling up with an army of dwarves. Many of those guys were banking on roles in Lord of the Rings or the new Willy Wonka film, so when they heard CG was to be used again, I guess they just snapped and kidnapped Tim Burton.”
Gary was then asked to repeat his famous catchphrase from Diff’rent Strokes, but he declined.
It is hoped some kind of compromise can be reached and that the angry showbiz midgets will be accommodated in the new film in some way, but this incident definitely highlights the growing unrest of midget actors left out in the cold due to new CG effects. The shin kickers and ankle biters of Hollywood have been forgotten, many ending up on the streets, either performing jolly song and dance numbers for family crowds, or partaking in dangerous back-alley knife fights for money. Lest we forget the great outcast of Hollywood, the guys who used to perform the small roles, but have now been replaced by better looking CGI enhanced actors.
Update: The actor who plays Mini-Me in the Austin Powers movies was taken in by police for questioning over the incident, but denied all knowledge of the kidnapping, and has since been released without charge.
The search continues…
The news comes only a short while after Burton revealed some of the crazy plans he has in store for his new big screen version of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, which is due to go into pre-production soon.
In the original 1971 version, starring Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka, real-life dwarves played the roles of Wonka’s exploited moralistic Oompa Loompa slaves. However, Burton favours the use of needless computer graphics for his soon to be filmed twisted gothic update of the Roald Dahl classic, and instead of hiring real dwarf actors, some of whom are quite angry and addicted to booze, he will film normal better looking actors dressed as the Oompa Loompas, then digitally shrink them in post-production. The move has outraged a number of diminutive actors, so they decided to take their revenge.
The Oompa Loompa characters are pretty much portrayed as slave labourers, rescued from the dangerous world of Loompaland and forced to work their tiny orange butts off by the macabre Willy Wonka. Amongst their many tasks in any one day were milking and sugaring, driving the Wonkatania boat, cleaning and buffing golden eggs, producing a never ending line of ‘Ever-Lasting Gob Stoppers’, singing lots of mocking songs about the weak side of human nature and fishing fat German boys out of manky chocolate rivers. Despite the fact that they were slaves, they were much sought after roles for real-life dwarves, banking on a big payday should the new film be a success.
Shortly after Tim Burton’s apparent disappearance, a crumpled note arrived at Hollywood Police HQ, written in Burton’s blood by the chief kidnapper. It read;
“It’s becoming more and more common nowadays for parts in movies previously reserved for us “vertically challenged persons” are increasingly going to other actors, with computer graphics being used to make them small. In the Lord of the Rings trilogy for example, better looking actors with superior acting abilities were used for the lead Hobbit roles and CGI used for Gollum. Many of us earned our crust by starring in these sorts of fantasy movies playing elves, dwarves or midget monsters in the 70’s and 80’s, but now we’re not needed and we don’t know what to do. We’re desperate dwarves thrown onto the Hollywood scrap heap.
Should Tim Burton change his mind and hire us dwarves for the Oompa Loompa roles, then he’ll be let free to continue his “normal” life, if not, then he’ll suffer the wrath of the little people.
Anyway, I can’t write too much more as I’m running short of blood, and Tim’s looking a bit more pasty and ill than usual.”
Police have already procured a number of interesting leads, and have sent out an APB for short men, and, for extra backup, have called in Burton’s Hollywood chum Marky Mark, already shadowing the police force to research his role for the upcoming big budget Police Academy reunion sequel, to help the investigation in a typical Hollywood maverick cop style.
Marky commented, “I’ve been hanging out with the guys at the precinct for a couple of weeks now to get into my role of Steve Guttenberg’s mischievous but oh so hunky cadet son, and then I heard Tim was in trouble, so I asked if I could help out and the top brass said yes. So I’ve now got free license to rescue Tim and beat some dwarf skull, all for the sake of research.”
Famous little person Gary Coleman, someone used to being thrown onto the scrap heap of obscurity when his novelty size wore off, commented, “Because I’m small too, I can see the dwarves point of view. Hollywood used to love us little guys, putting us in all kinds of films like Willow, Star Wars, a henchman role in a James Bond movie and quirky sitcoms about midgets or aliens living with a normal family in suburbia, but since computer graphics became much more sophisticated, the dole queues in Hollywood are filling up with an army of dwarves. Many of those guys were banking on roles in Lord of the Rings or the new Willy Wonka film, so when they heard CG was to be used again, I guess they just snapped and kidnapped Tim Burton.”
Gary was then asked to repeat his famous catchphrase from Diff’rent Strokes, but he declined.
It is hoped some kind of compromise can be reached and that the angry showbiz midgets will be accommodated in the new film in some way, but this incident definitely highlights the growing unrest of midget actors left out in the cold due to new CG effects. The shin kickers and ankle biters of Hollywood have been forgotten, many ending up on the streets, either performing jolly song and dance numbers for family crowds, or partaking in dangerous back-alley knife fights for money. Lest we forget the great outcast of Hollywood, the guys who used to perform the small roles, but have now been replaced by better looking CGI enhanced actors.
Update: The actor who plays Mini-Me in the Austin Powers movies was taken in by police for questioning over the incident, but denied all knowledge of the kidnapping, and has since been released without charge.
The search continues…