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kaye wrote:
come on Grix Thraves tell all, we all want to know now.
Did I find someone special?
All my friends are special to me. Every last one of them I would miss dreadfully if I lost them. I keep people close to me that way, and it's a select few. I still care for people, but only a few are truly special.
But I guess sometimes someone comes along that you feel you've known for the longest time. That you, like it or not, have been thinking about meeting. Someone that is really, truly special.
And it's not always what you think you're looking for. The people special to me are the ones that blind side me and make me think in a way that I didn't know was possible. Sometimes, perhaps, you don't notice it at first. That you think 'oh well she's nice' and little more of it..
But then you start to notice more about her. And then you start to notice.. that you're noticing her. That you're interested in the things she does. That you're interested in how she's feeling. What she's been up to today. You hardly take an interest in the things you do yourself, never mind what anyone else does. So why are you so interested in this person?
And without having to really look for it, or perhaps even want it, you stop yourself, right in the middle of it all, and think..
Boy.. am I falling in love with this person?
Perhaps you deny it at first.. or try not to. You try to think 'nah this is fine I don't need this right now' and you go along your daily business and.. you think about her again.
Then you think about her a lot. Then you start telling your friends that you think about her.
Then you talk to her some more, and you begin to realise, once you're over the shock that you might be falling for her, that every day, every day when you wake up, that it's a brand new day and you fall for her all over again. Every day.
But this happens, doesn't it? Everyone goes through this. They meet someone, they connect, they feel comfortable, perhaps not at first, but eventually. They feel like they can open themselves up to them. Perhaps trust is important. It is to me.
So yes, I found someone special. At first it wasn't real. At first I didn't really believe it, it felt too much like some twisted dream. Things were too easy. Everything was going right.
Then, naturally, it went a bit wrong. As things tend to do.
And it wasn't the words 'I love you' from her that made me realise I truly loved her. I couldn't understand that. I mean, that's how she felt. It wasn't any words she said.
It was the fact that I realised, after things started getting difficult, that I truly, truly loved her.. because I didn't need her to love me back.
I didn't need that. I wanted it, boy of course I did, and that's what you expect, right? You think sure, you love someone, they love you. Simple.
But this was something deeper. This was a care for someone, a love for someone, that broke all the rules of what I thought love was about. You can talk about unconditional love. Something that people love to throw around, pretend they have, then scream and shout at you and tell you how much they hate you.
No.. this was, more. This still is, more. I don't understand it. I don't think I really ever can, but this special someone to me? This is someone I care for, I love. It's more than a feeling of wanting them, it's more than a feeling of lust, wanting to be held by them, wanting to be with them. It's something deeper. Something I didn't know I had inside me, the absolute courage to love someone no matter what.
Because love isn't easy. I know that. I know again, I'll face something that will tear me up inside, that will bring emotions out of me that I hate to admit I feel. But I know, for some God damn reason, no matter what, I will love this person. And now I've found it, now I understand what love is, I kinda find it quite easy. It's not wanting someone to make you feel better about yourself. Nor sex, nor togetherness, not even making love. It's something that you can't express through words, nor actions, but in the way your soul feels. This person is special. To me. And I will care for them, always.
No matter how difficult it gets, and I really mean this, I mean layer of hell difficult, I will still try to be strong. I can find the strength. And yes, perhaps I am a little bit too sensitive that way, perhaps things hurt me when I should just shrug them off. But I'm strong with what I've been given. I'm strong enough for it not to throw me. I'm strong because I have that inside of me, that love. I've never been given so much strength from something, and the strange thing is.. it's easy. It's so much easier now.
So yes, I've found someone special. She's very special indeed to me. And no matter what, I kinda think she'll always be special to me. I'm happy for that.
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