Why is that toilet humour is so stupid and unfunny, yet everybody finds it funny. That's what I want to know... :s

The whole sarcasm/wit thing is just something people say when they can think of a decent response. It's basically just like going "Shut up" or "I know you are but what am I?"

Heh, yeh I finally realised... One of those [Oooooooohhhh!] moments I have so often.

My joke (slightly reworded and shortened):
***It's funnier if you picture it in your head as you read***

- The seven dwarfs won a meeting with the pope
- So they get all excited and go running into the room
- Dopey asks the pope "Pope, do you have any dwarf nuns in Antarctica?"
- He goes "No, no, I don't think we do"
- So Dopey asks "Well, do you have any dwarf nuns anywhere?"
- "Well, I've meet all the nuns from all over the world and no I don't think we have any dwarf nuns"
- The other 6 dwarfs go "HA HA! Dopey -had sexual realtions with- a penguin!"

Timmargh wrote:
> Two parrots are sat on a perch. One says: "Can you smell
> fish?"

... I had to read that twice. And still didn't get it until I read it  third time :(

The only jokes I know are unsuitable for you guys :P

It all depends on how many different fish you know.

LOL! what?! That's really bloody funny, and I don't know why o_0

Two parrots are sat on a perch. One says: "Can you smell fish?"

This is going a bit old school, but made me chuckle :)

How to clean your mouse...

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.

The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.

Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.

Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.

However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

Well fine, here I go again :p

Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Oh do come along Alfonse, tell us your joke, or witty comment :p

;P

:o What Alfonse?

Lol forget it.

But I want tea dammit, and I want it now

A man comes to a bar and yells: "QUICK!!!! Give me a glass of beer!!! Before IT gets started!!!"

A bartender goes: "What started?! What are you talking about?!"

"No questions. Just give me the beer, faster!!!"

He drinks the beer and screams again: "One more, hurry up!!! Before it gets started!!!"

"What started?!"

"Nevermind!!! Give me my beer!!!"

He drinks the second glass and continues: "Third glass!!! Faster!!! Before it gets started!!! Do it!!!"

Finally, the bartender asks: "Hey, pal. Are you gonna pay?!"

And the man goes: "Damn! It's started..."


hehehe...oh dear. Sorry, can't make tea, Miss Leading has been moving the kettle and tea bags about.

Vexxxed wrote:
> A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon
> down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and
> stand next to the Preacher.
>
> The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,
> "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
>
> The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preasher... I ssssure
> am."
>
> The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him
> right back up.
>
> "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
>
> "Nooo, I ddddidnt!" said the drunk.
>
> The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings
> him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
>
> "Noooo, I dddid not Reverrrrend."
>
> The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30
> seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a
> harsh tone,
>
> "My God man, have you found Jesus yet?"
>
> The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are
> you sssssure thhhis is where he fffffelll in?"


Lame! But funny. Vexxed go make tea

I like drunk jokes :)

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preasher... I ssssure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I ddddidnt!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I dddid not Reverrrrend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,

"My God man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sssssure thhhis is where he fffffelll in?"

Two drunks are walking along.

One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night... look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

They started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.

"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

A nose walks into a bar, sits on a bar stool and asks the bar keep for a JD & Coke and a pint of lager. The bar keep looks at him and carries on cleaning a few glasses.

The nose then asks the bar keep again "Can I get a JD & Coke and a pint of lager" the bar keep turns round and says "I'm not serving you, your off your face".

Doctor: "It's bad news I'm afraid Bob: you've got cancer and the early onset of Alzheimers."

Bob: "Damn, that is bad news. But hey, at least I haven't got cancer!"

I love Doctor jokes.

Doc: "Sorry to tell you this, but this is your last day to live."

Patient: "Then I will have a party. I will invite all my friends, everyone I know, including you Doc. There'll be music, strippers, fireworks if I can get them, and we will drink until dawn."

Doc: "Well that's easy for you to say, you don't have to get up in the morning."

Man, that's some sick stuff lol

Jim starts to feel very ill and starts having tests done with the hospital. Time passes and eventually he gets a phone call from the Doctor.

Doc: "Jim, I'm afraid there's good news and bad news. Which would you like first?"

Jim asks for the good news first.

Doc: "Well, the test results confirm you're dying of cancer and you have 48 hours to live."

Jim: "That's the good news? What could possibly be worse?"

Doc: "Well, I tried to call you yesterday."

Undeterred, and of high moral character, Jim decides to give his son a call and take him out drinking.

Jim: "Son, I've always bought you up to believe that if you get good news, we celebrate, and if things aren't going so well, we celebrate too. Well, things aren't going so well right now, so I think it's time we celebrate."

He explains to his son what's happened, and they go to the pub.

It falls into the night, and they're getting more and more drunk. There's been laughs and tears and plenty of emotion. They both feel incredibly happy to be spending the time together.

After a while in the pub, a friend of Jim's comes up to him and asks how he's doing.

"Ah not good I'm afraid. Found out I'm dying of AIDS."

So the two chat for a little while, before the friend leaves and goes about his way.

Jim's son asks, "Dad, why'd you tell him you were dying of AIDS? I thought you were dying of cancer?"

Jim replies, "Yes, it's cancer son, but I don't want those sons of b**tches sleeping with my wife once I'm gone."

Stupid Pixie wrote:
> I'm not very good at telling jokes but this one when i first
> heard it made laugh harded than i had in a long while.
> I don't think this joke is too rude, but if someone thinks it
> is, tell me and i'll edit it...
>
>
> A little boy and his parents went to the zoo one day for a treat
> because he had worked so hard at school that year. When they got
> there they went straight to the monkey enclosure and found that
> two of the monkeys were having sex, of course the little boy
> asked his mother what they were doing. Not wanting to go into the
> whole sex talk yet she just replied "they're making a
> cake". The boy found this very amusing and carried on with
> his day.
> Later on they came to the Zebra enclosure and they also were
> having sex, this time the boy asked his father what they were up
> to, and he replied "they're making a cake". Again the
> boy was amused and carried on.
> After they had eaten dinner they went visiting the turtle
> enclosure only to find two randy turtles. The boy asked his
> parents what they wre doing and the replied "making a
> cake". By this time, the little boy was getting very tired
> and wanted to go home, the parents agreed and took him back and
> then sent him straight to bed.
> Later on that night the little boy was very hungary so he
> checked his parents were sound asleep and snuck downstairs for a
> bite to eat. Before he could open the fridge he heard his parents
> coming downstairs so dived into one of the cupboards and hid
> there a while. Eventually they went up stairs and so they boy
> took some food and went also. In the morning when he came
> downstairs he asked his parents what they had been doing on the
> table in the night. Very embarrassed, they answered "we were
> making a cake" and the boy replied "i thought so,
> because i licked the icing of the table"


HAHAHA that's really good, wonder how the parents fell after that lol

I'm not very good at telling jokes but this one when i first heard it made laugh harded than i had in a long while.
I don't think this joke is too rude, but if someone thinks it is, tell me and i'll edit it...


A little boy and his parents went to the zoo one day for a treat because he had worked so hard at school that year. When they got there they went straight to the monkey enclosure and found that two of the monkeys were having sex, of course the little boy asked his mother what they were doing. Not wanting to go into the whole sex talk yet she just replied "they're making a cake". The boy found this very amusing and carried on with his day.
Later on they came to the Zebra enclosure and they also were having sex, this time the boy asked his father what they were up to, and he replied "they're making a cake". Again the boy was amused and carried on.
After they had eaten dinner they went visiting the turtle enclosure only to find two randy turtles. The boy asked his parents what they wre doing and the replied "making a cake". By this time, the little boy was getting very tired and wanted to go home, the parents agreed and took him back and then sent him straight to bed.
Later on that night the little boy was very hungary so he checked his parents were sound asleep and snuck downstairs for a bite to eat. Before he could open the fridge he heard his parents coming downstairs so dived into one of the cupboards and hid there a while. Eventually they went up stairs and so they boy took some food and went also. In the morning when he came downstairs he asked his parents what they had been doing on the table in the night. Very embarrassed, they answered "we were making a cake" and the boy replied "i thought so, because i licked the icing of the table"

jubbachainsaw wrote:
> Timmargh wrote:
>
> This guy walks into a pub. As he sits down on a barstool the
> barman notices that he has an orange for a head, so he asks
> him:
> "Excuse me, but why have you got an orange for a
> head."
> The guy replies: "Well, it's a funny story. I was walking
> through the woods one day when I found a lamp -- I gave it a
> good
> polish and a genie popped out and granted me three wishes. I
> wished for a million pounds, which I got. Then I wished that I
> could understand women, which I now can. And then I wished for
> an
> orange for a head."
>
> That is quality, consider it now my joke

I don't get it =(

Timmargh wrote:

> This guy walks into a pub. As he sits down on a barstool the
> barman notices that he has an orange for a head, so he asks him:
> "Excuse me, but why have you got an orange for a
> head."
> The guy replies: "Well, it's a funny story. I was walking
> through the woods one day when I found a lamp -- I gave it a good
> polish and a genie popped out and granted me three wishes. I
> wished for a million pounds, which I got. Then I wished that I
> could understand women, which I now can. And then I wished for an
> orange for a head."

That is quality, consider it now my joke

Why is a tightrope walker like a man receiving oral sex from an eighty year-old?
They're both thinking "Don't look down ... don't look down ..."

Why is a banana skin similiar to the letter F?

Because they both make all fall =D

I still dont get it. :(

That's quite brilliant. Consider it stolen!

ButchML wrote:
> I don't get it...

The easiest way to describe it is: it's a joke about a joke. With the "genie and three wishes" jokes everybody expects the punchline to be a misunderstanding, e.g. "and that's why I've got a twelve inch pianist". I like jokes that have unexpected punchlines.

<too far>
"Doctor, doctor! Every time I look in the mirror I get an erection!"
"That's because you look like a c**t!"
</too far>

Sarcasm (Or even dry humour) isn't the lowest form of humour as far as I see it, toilet humour is. And I indulge in both an awful lot when I'm in pubs...

Hard to find a joke that would be suitable for all ages etc. On that point why do we always find things so funny that ethically we shouldn't? lol weird huh?

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday